Status: Active
Where Have You Been?
All my life
All my life I’ve just wanted to be accepted. I’ve just wanted someone to love me for me and care for me. I’ve been so tired fending for myself, taking care of myself and everyone. That won’t happen, my shell is too hard to crack, and its grown stronger while my heart grew colder. No one seems to see how much resentment and hate has started to pour through my body. I always have a smile on; it’s easy to fake it the more the years go on. It’s to the point where my family can’t even see past it. To be honest neither can I. I’ve been so fake the last years I start to believe my own lies.
I had to grow up at the young age of eight. That year I felt the most heartbreak I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Nothing compares to the pain I had when my mom died. I was mommies girl from day one, always been by her side to the point where, personally I felt I barely knew my dad. I was too young and naïve to realize how sick she was. Until, one day she died right in front of my eyes. No one understands how much I feel like a piece of shit. That was the one fucking day in the eight years of my existence I didn’t give her a hug and tell her “I love you”. I know she knows I do love her but that’s been haunting me for the last (almost) nine years. The fact that my mom was never coming home, that she would never give me a hug and kiss, that she’d never tell me she loves me again, that she’ll never see my wedding, graduation, birthdays, children; never hit me until the age of thirteen . I literally just broke down and cried. It’s the sense of being completely alone. Even writing these words I feel my sadness spread throughout my body, I feel it overcoming me. I never talk about her, because no one else does. I barely remember my mom and that kills me every day. All my memories were from when she was sick and the night she died. I feel like the worst daughter in the world. I think my brain tries to suppress the feelings and memories so I don’t slip back into a depression. I can see what happened to my mom will slowly be the fate of other family members in my house. Maybe not the same fate, but it all equals death. No one understands how hard it is too slowly watch my sister and dad die too. I know the actions I do and the substances I use are bad but I feel like it’s too late; too late for them. I don’t know how my mental stability will hold if I lose one of them, or both. I feel like I’m trapped at rock bottom. The only way is up, but up is too far for me to see.
I had to grow up at the young age of eight. That year I felt the most heartbreak I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Nothing compares to the pain I had when my mom died. I was mommies girl from day one, always been by her side to the point where, personally I felt I barely knew my dad. I was too young and naïve to realize how sick she was. Until, one day she died right in front of my eyes. No one understands how much I feel like a piece of shit. That was the one fucking day in the eight years of my existence I didn’t give her a hug and tell her “I love you”. I know she knows I do love her but that’s been haunting me for the last (almost) nine years. The fact that my mom was never coming home, that she would never give me a hug and kiss, that she’d never tell me she loves me again, that she’ll never see my wedding, graduation, birthdays, children; never hit me until the age of thirteen . I literally just broke down and cried. It’s the sense of being completely alone. Even writing these words I feel my sadness spread throughout my body, I feel it overcoming me. I never talk about her, because no one else does. I barely remember my mom and that kills me every day. All my memories were from when she was sick and the night she died. I feel like the worst daughter in the world. I think my brain tries to suppress the feelings and memories so I don’t slip back into a depression. I can see what happened to my mom will slowly be the fate of other family members in my house. Maybe not the same fate, but it all equals death. No one understands how hard it is too slowly watch my sister and dad die too. I know the actions I do and the substances I use are bad but I feel like it’s too late; too late for them. I don’t know how my mental stability will hold if I lose one of them, or both. I feel like I’m trapped at rock bottom. The only way is up, but up is too far for me to see.
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I don't care if you like it or not, these are my feelings, thoughts and memories. This is for me not for you. if you do enjoy this chapter there should be more up soon.