Please Tell Me What We Have Is Real

We walked out of the mall and my emotions were all mixed. I was angry, embarrassed, scared, and proud. Angry at the guy for pushing me, embarrassed at the way Bri reacted, scared that my baby could be hurt and proud that Brian finally confronted that asshole. Johnny was holding my arm, just as scared as I am while Jimmy had both of a very pissed off Brian's arms. Once Jimmy finally let him go, Brian ran to me.

"Are you okay?" His tone was panicked, his hand was gently put on my stomach.
"Yeah I am fine. But thanks for fucking embarrassing me Brian Elwin Haner. Never in my life have I wanted to fucking crawl in a ditch as much as I wanted to now," I said, clearly angry.
"I'm sorry, I was just scared that he might have hurt you and my daughter and I was tired of us being treated like shit." Brian hung his head in shame.
"You could've fucking handled it better. God, Brian, you could end up in jail! Maybe you should stop and fucking think before you say anything!" I was beyond furious but there was this little part of me saying to bite my tongue.
"You know what Zack? Fuck you," And with that a hard slap was placed to my cheek. I wish I had listened to that little voice. Brian was already pissed off and I just pushed it too far. Tears sprang into my eyes.
"Brian.." He cut me off.
"Save it!" Then he turned and walked away. I fell to the ground, face in my hands. I sobbed. I fucked up. This is all my fault.

Jimmy picked me up and helped me into the back seat; Johnny sitting with me. I didn't care what they did. I just cried. Jimmy took me home with him and Johnny since Brian wouldn't want to see me at this time. Once we arrived at Jimmy's house, Jim carried me inside and placed me on the guest room bed. I curled up in a ball and cried. Johnny sat next to me for a while, stroking my hair and telling me that everything is okay. After an hour of this he went downstairs to help Mrs. Sullivan clean up from dinner.

I continued to cry but after a while i got up to take a shower across the hall. I went in the drawers of the guest room and looked for the drawer of clothes that belonged to me. All of us kept clothes at each other's houses just in case of situations like this. I grabbed the pair of sweatpants and boxers that belonged to me but went into the drawer the belonged to Brian and pulled out the long sleeve black shirt that belonged to him. More tears flowed down my cheeks as I looked at the shirt. Then I proceeded across the hall and into the bathroom.

I put the clothes on the sink and ran the water, pulling a towel out of the cabinet; placing it on top of the clothes. I stripped out of the clothes I was wearing and hopped into the warm water. I continued to cry as I washed my body and hair. My eyes kept wandering Katie's razor that was on the edge of the tub. I picked it up, popping the blade out. 'Just this once' I thought. I took the blade and ran it across my wrist; blood spilling out animatedly. I made more angry gashes up my arm. Blood spilled and mixed with the water; staining it red. I cleaned the blade of all blood and replace it to the razor as if nothing happened. I turned off the water, blood spilling down the drain. I dried off my body and wrapped the wounds. I pulled on my boxers and pants and Brian's shirt. I cried as I caught a whiff of the smell of the shirt. It smelt exactly like Brian. I cried more and walked back into my room. I practically threw myself onto the bed and buried my face in the pillow.

Thoughts rushed threw my head, knowing that this is my fault. Fucking stupid mood swings, fucking stupid baby, fucking stupid pregnancy, fucking stupid me.

"Fuck You!" I screamed, throwing the lamp at the mirror. It shattered, glass smashing onto the floor. Footsteps ran upstairs and my door flew open. More tears spilled down my cheeks as Johnny pulled me into a hug.

"Shh...everything will be okay. Rest bud, thing will be better tomorrow." He said.

My eyes drooped and I closed them. And before I knew it I was fast asleep.