Good for Nothing

Silence ensued until Heath let out a nervous cough and began to grovel.

“Leia, I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am for what happened,” Heath pleaded, “I know talking about it won’t make you forgive me but I just want you to know how I feel.”

I stared angrily at him; I could just about bring myself to speak.

“Please, say something!” Heath urged, “Shout at me; scream. Hell, I’d totally understand if you wanted to punch my lights out.”

“Heath,” I replied, “don’t be so stupid; you should know that I’m not in the line of purposefully hurting someone – not after what I’ve been through with that fucking son-of-a-bitch!”

“Sorry Leia, that was so damn insensitive of me,” Heath said, shaking his head, “I shouldn’t have said that; it was just a turn of phrase.”

I knew he didn’t mean it; of course he didn’t. I knew in my heart of hearts that Heath was a good guy. That, however, didn’t stop me from feeling utterly betrayed.

“Heath,” I began, “You will NEVER understand how hurt I am over this. I finally thought I’d found someone who might actually, properly love me. Do you know how much it takes for me to trust someone after what I’ve been through in the past?” I could feel tears filling up in my eyes.

“Oh, Leia,” Heath replied looking completely lost and on the verge of tears himself, “I know; of course I know, and that’s what upsets me the most! What I’ve done is totally unforgiveable. I appreciate you allowing me in to talk about it.”

I nodded a response as much to let Heath know that it was okay.

“I just need to know why you left and, more importantly, why you didn’t come back for me.” I said; beginning to soften with every word I spoke. I felt I could let it all go; all those emotions I was feeling. “Ivan told me you were in prison together and that you were dating me just to get information to send back to him; he made you sound like a spy, and all this hard work you’d put in was just to lead me straight to him so he could once again claim me for his own. He said you owed him?” I didn’t want to tell Heath any more; it was now up to him to either confirm or deny what he was being accused of. Either way, I wanted the truth.

“Yup, he’s right,” Heath replied, shaking his head, “but my ‘spying’? Well, it turned into more; you feel that don’t you Leia? Regardless of the job I was sent to do, I really have enjoyed every single moment of getting to know you. I’ve fallen for you Leia; hook, line and sinker.”

“Okay then; if that’s the case,” I said, “Why didn’t you just tell me? Yes, I would have probably been angry and freaked out but at least this charade wouldn’t have gone so far and I may have understood more.”

“Leia, do you think I don’t know that?” Heath asked sadly. “The weekend away; that was nothing to do with leading you to Ivan – he actually had no clue until he pried our whereabouts from me. I arranged the weekend to spend some quality time together but also to tell you everything. The meal at The Cliffs; that was my time to explain but as it happened, Ivan bet me to it.”

I was no feeling a deep, sincere pity for Heath not only because of what he’d done to me but because of the fact he was beholden to Ivan in such a way. He seemed as if he had lost all pride in himself.

“Right, I see,” I replied, “Ivan also told me the reason why you owed him is because you turned him into the Police. He said you both ended up in prison because you told the truth; so what did you do? What did he do?”

Heath looked completely broken. His head dropped to his chest and he shook his head. He took a deep breath and I heard a tremor in his voice.

“Ivan has ALWAYS been a bully. We’ve known each other since high school. I was getting really, badly bullied and he kind of took me under his wing.” Heath began what sounded like it was going to be a long story. “Of course, I wasn’t going to decline his offer of friendship; I had no one else. I was put into care when I was seven years old. My Dad was a raging alcoholic who thought nothing of beating my Mother to a pulp; she walked out – never thinking of taking me with her so Dad used the next best thing as a punch bag; me!” I saw a tear streak down Heath’s face and all I wanted to do was throw my arms round him but that would be giving in, wouldn’t it? That would be letting my guard down. Heath sniffed before he carried on.

“So you see, Leia; I needed someone,” Heath said, “it was only as we became closer that I realised he wasn’t the best friend I thought he was. He was always in and out of police cells once we hit our early teens; he thought nothing of breaking into shops and whatnot and taking whatever he could get his hands on. Then, when Ivan was nineteen and I had just turned eighteen, Ivan told me of his plans to rob the local post office-come-bank. It was only a small building; the security wasn’t state of the art and there was a fair bit of money in situ. That was all Ivan needed to know.”

“To know what?” I asked, engrossed; listening to his story feeling like we were sitting round the campfire telling each other scary stories.

“To know that he was going to rob it.” Heath replied, “I couldn’t believe he would even think about doing it, let alone actually planning it down to the last, minute detail. He told me he was all set but the only thing that was missing from the perfect robbery was a getaway driver; that’s where I came in.”

“Why didn’t you just say no?” I asked Heath, knowing that to commit any crime was so unlike him.

“You know yourself what Ivan’s like,” Heath almost shouted, appealing to me, “He had this hold over me as he did later with you. I never thought as myself as a sheep but Ivan had this uncanny way of making you into one. I couldn’t do anything but agree even though I was so angry at myself for being his doormat.”

I knew exactly what Heath meant and by now, I was really starting to feel upset for him.

“Anyway,” Heath went on, sighing heavily, “The day came quickly. Ivan had stolen the car that I would be using as the getaway vehicle; you know – as if what we were about to do wasn’t bad enough. We both dressed at his dump of a flat and headed out. We drove; to me for what felt like eternity until we were suddenly slap bang outside the post office. I was shitting myself but Ivan was just raring to go.” Heath cringed, recalling a past that he obviously wanted to forget.

“Ivan opened the passenger door, pulled his balaclava over his head and stormed right up to the post office door. I could see the replica in his back pocket; just tucked under his black jumper. In he went. He’d said to me earlier that morning that if he wasn’t out within twenty minutes, I was to go in after him. Well, ten minutes flew by and that surprised me; I was expecting time to stand still almost.” Heath was ringing his hands; the stress of rehashing the past showing clearly.

“Eighteen minutes in and still no sign of Ivan.” Heath went on, “Now I was scared but I knew I had a job to do. I turned off the engine, pulled my balaclava down and headed inside; nowhere near as fast as Ivan had done before me.” Heath picked up his glass of wine and took a huge gulp; wincing as the claret coloured liquid went down.

“Ivan looked as if he had completely filled a post carrier bag full of money; I could see wads of notes just peeping out of the top. The counter assistant looked to be giving as well as he was getting; pepper spray in one hand, baseball bat in the other. I watched as Ivan withdrew the replica from his back pocket and aim it at the counter assistant who immediately dropped the can of spray and whacked the bat on the counter. Ivan said nothing as he spotted me in the doorway; he just threw the bag full of cash at me and gestured for me to leave. I turned around; poised to run, but then this giant of a guy stood right in the doorway; filling pretty much the entire frame. There was no way I could have got past him until Ivan came storming up to pick a fight and Jesus Christ, Leia; Ivan laid into him and just didn’t stop.”

Heath looked totally spent. He looked exhausted.

“He laid into the guy and all I could do was just stand there and watch. Even to this day, I’m utterly disgusted in myself for not growing a pair and stepping in. The counter assistant must have called the Police while all this was going down because just as Ivan had pummelled the guy into the ground, we heard sirens. Ivan fled to the back of the shop, heading straight for the fire exit and that was it; he was gone and you know what, he never even took what he went for; he left the fucking money!” Heath said, looking more depressed with every word; he glugged down the rest of his wine.

“There I was, standing there like a complete fool,” Heath said, shaking his head for the umpteenth time, “I’d even put my hands in the air in preparation for the Police as they pulled up outside. They cuffed me on the spot and bundled me into the squad car. It took minutes to get to the station. They wanted to charge me with GBH and I almost let them but after further interrogation, I just told them the truth. I wasn’t going to completely ruin the rest of my life to cover for him. It was about time I looked out for number one. I knew I would be charged with aiding and abetting and robbery but I refused to go down for something I hadn’t done. What Ivan did to that guy was truly sickening; it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – it’s something that I could NEVER do.”

“Oh Heath,” I said finally, releasing the breath I’d been holding and letting down my resolve. I got up from the floor, taking my wine with me and sat right next to Heath. I placed my hand on his knee, “I know you could never do that. I think I know you well enough to come to that conclusion. You did exactly the right thing.” Heath looked up at me with bloodshot eyes, allowing a small, awkward smile to play on his face.

“I knew I’d probably end up regretting telling them,” Heath went on, “only for the fact that I knew that Ivan would find a way to get back at me somehow. At the same time, I felt relieved and knew I’d done the right thing.”

“You did Heath,” I replied, “you really did.” I rubbed my hand over his knee. “So, how long were you in for? How long did Ivan get?”

“I got four years but they let me out in three and a half,” Heath answered, “they took my confession into account and they seemed to sympathise with my background; the way Ivan treated me. They gave Ivan eight years but he was out in six; he must have been a good boy huh?”

“Wow!” I replied, amazed, “That must have been horrendous.”

“At first it was,” Heath replied, “but I knew it was my own fault. I should’ve just said no, like you said. I knew what I agreed to do and I was punished accordingly. I kept my head down and luckily I was in a different wing to Ivan, which meant I hadn’t even got to bump into him. I used my time to my advantage and that’s why I do what I do now; I completed an Open University degree in Media, Photography and Journalism and it filled pretty much every moment of my waking. I was more than happy to bury my head in books and concentrate on my studies. That’s part of the reason why they let me out six months early; in fact, the Guards actually congratulated me as I left and wished me well. I never ever dreamt I’d get a job so quickly after leaving prison; it’s an albatross round your neck, but it seems the community knew me well enough to realise the reason behind my spell inside was totally out of character. If anything, I owe them everything – I wouldn’t have got the job at the paper if it weren’t for them.”

Heath sounded so positive. It was good to hear him pour his heart out to me; to let everything all go. Now, I completely understood why he owed Ivan even though I hated the fact that I was the I.O.U.

“So that’s why you owed Ivan?” I asked.

“Sure is,” Heath replied, “He somehow managed to find me even though I’d relocated; how he did that, I don’t know. He just turned up out of the blue at my apartment; he roughed me up a bit and told me I owed him for ‘grassing’ him up. I didn’t argue but I did tell him that once I’d done this one thing for him that was it; clean slate. I’m so, so very sorry that you were the bargaining in all of this; I really am.”

I could tell he was sorry, too.

“The truth is, Leia,” Heath went on; picking up my hands and holding them in his as he looked sincerely into my eyes, “I knew every moment we spent together was ultimately bringing you closer to Ivan. I really hated myself for doing his bidding but at the same time, I loved every minute I spent with you.” Heath looked down at our hands; his cheeks flushing with colour. “Leia, I love you and I don’t expect anything from you, least of all – your love; I just needed you to know.”

I lifted Heath’s chin so that we were facing each other. I could see that his eyes were slightly wet where he’d been crying. He looked at me deeply again with those hazel-gold eyes and I reciprocated. I didn’t speak; there was no need. The look on his face was priceless when I retracted from the most amazing kiss I’d ever had.