Don't Let Nobody Take You Down

I don't feel too great right now and I haven't for a while. Actually this past year has sucked, really, really sucked. I could blame this on the ADHD because I have stopped the medication again. I have had that stupid thing my whole life, it has never bothered me much though, in fact the only time it does is when I do actually take the medication. It makes me feel funny, not a good funny. Sure it controls some of the restlessness and the anger and the constant zoning out but I've learnt I need them things. Without them I have to face the real world and actually take part.

Strip it all away and I'm left feeling vulnerable.

I'm blaming it on other people, at the moment a certain guitarist is getting the brunt of my anger. Really though, it is more to do with another guitarist. All of the crappiness in the last year is because I let my guard down. I let myself get close to somebody before he disappeared and didn't look back.
He didn't even say goodbye. He packed his bags one night while we where all sleeping then took off and left. Manson announced his departure the next day.

Loneliness is something that has always been there, as a awkward teen and a young adult it was prominent. I hated it so much. I've always been known as the weirdo and I suppose I don't help myself much with the title. I got used to it though, it was something I have almost grown out of. I even like being alone, a lot of the time now and I love being in Manson, playing is one of the few things that keeps me occupied, that I can get lost in. I never managed to shake the reputation of 'freak' though.

But Zim Zum came along and for one amazing year everything changed. I remember the start of our fuck buddy friendship so clear.

xxxxxx

It was a warm but mild saturday in New Orleans, when we where all living together. I had no particular plan for the day, but I didn't mind, I was hungover. However Zim had managed to convince me to go shopping with him, clothes shopping for the tour. He said something about a sex shop would be perfect, so I decided to go along.
As we was walking there I couldn't help to ask, partly to break the silence and partly out of genuine curiousity; "So why didn't you bring Twiggy along?" I paused, thinking this sounded a little rude. I then added "Not that I mind, I just thought,... he would know more about this stuff?",
Zim looked at me smiling, one of his smiles that at this point I kind of adored, "Well Pogo, I would rather spend my time with you."
I didn't know what to say or how to react to this kind of thing. He wasn't joking. But that was the awesome thing about Zim, he could always sense how I felt and understood. So I just decided returned the smile too.
"Here it is!" He said excitedly before bouncing into the doors of the faded red building. Once inside I couldn't help but let my eyes wonder around the store. The store was huge, probably the biggest sex shop I'd ever visited and it was completely full; dildos, porn, whips, chains, leather, latex, masks, lube - it was a perverts paradise. I trailed along behind Zim as he was piling clothes and accessories over his arm, on a serious mission to find a perfect outfit for the rest of the tour. I would pick up and examine different objects; there was some crazy shit in there, even by my standards. He announced he needed to try them all on;
"Okay I'll wait here" I tried to wave him off whilst looking at the back of some form of porno,
"Oh no you won't!" He protested, practically dragging me over.
"I'll just be a second" he smiled before disappearing behind the curtain. I stood there, trying to be patient. Something which I am very, very bad at. I wondered if this is how guys felt when their high maintenance girlfriends forced them to go the mall. At this point Zim popped his head around; "Come in!",
So I awkwardly shuffled forward, shutting the curtain over properly. "What do you think?";
What did I think? holy shit. Zim was head to toe in black, sporting a netted shirt, tight leather shorts and almost see through stockings. I had to admit he looked amazing. Especially in them shorts, I couldn't help but stare at his ass. I had kind of noticed he had a nice ass but the shorts and stockings really flattered him. He looked himself up and down in the mirror before catching my gaze; "well... I guess you like it" He laughed.
I tried to act cool, like it was just a accident that I was practically drooling over his round, perky lower regions, but I couldn't help but laugh too. He took a step closer, kissing me, hard and insistent. This was about the third time we had made out but something said it was going to go further this time. Sure, we where in public but nobody was about, and if we did get caught it was a sex shop, they wouldn't care.
He walked me back until I was completely against the wall, his knee between my thighs. The kissing continued and our hands started to explore each others bothers. His found their way up my shirt, feeling softly but with a hint of fingernails, something which always drove me crazy. I moved my own hands, one resting on his lower back and I let the other one move down, grabbing and rubbing his ass. This earned a moan from him as our lips broke apart. He gave me another smile, but this time with a hint of a smirk, this was followed by him dropping down to his knees. He unbuttoned my jeans as he left soft kisses on my stomach something which, surprisingly, is very erotic. He slipped his hand in, palming me through my underwear, I couldn't help but buck my hips and even squirm a little. Because, I really did want to do all kinds of perverted things with the man in front of me. He bit at my stomach, soothing the momentary pain with his tongue, before moving to mouthing at the head of my cock through my underwear, it was warm, wet and not quite enough. I could hear my own harsh breathing, thick and heavy, as Zim continued to trace the line of my dick through the dampening cotton, deliberately teasing and I sucked my lower lip into my mouth, biting down hard with the effort of not clenching my hands in Zim’s hair too hard.
“c'mon,” I breathed out eventually, and Zim looked up at me with his lips shining and his pupils blown, and he smiled just slightly before he finally pulled the underwear away, blowing a stream of warm breath over my cock in a way that made it twitch. I let out a huge a sigh of relief when Zim finally wrapped his lips around my dick, tongue tracing the vein on the underside, fingers curled around the base. He was humming, just slightly, enough to of sent vibrations up and down the length; and I couldn't tear my gaze away from where Zim’s mouth stretched around me. He looked so great and I had always kind of known he was attractive but actually seeing him like this was totally better; knelt between my thighs with that amazing outfit still on, the muscles in his back jumping as he slid his mouth up and down my cock. I had vague memories of Twiggy being pretty good at head, that was when he wasn't giggling about how pissed Manson would be if he found out. But my god, Zim was way better, the best, ever. Zim's eyes then flickered up to me, the look from earlier intensified, they where now filled with lust. He took a deep breath through his nose and I watched in desperate amazement as he moved his hand and took me all the way in, I felt him swallowing all the way around me. It was insane and way too much and I had always kind of assumed that no one outside of porn even knew how to do this; a groan fell from my lips. I stared down at Zim; at the mess that was now his hair and forced myself not to touch because I didn't want to fucking choke him and his throat moved again around me. I felt myself falling over the edge, and I closed my eyes, breathing out a warning; Zim stayed still and swallowed every drop.
I couldn't believe Zim could turn me into a quivering wreck from a blowjob, I could of expected it considering what a good kisser he was. But my god, that was truly amazing and a sign of more great things to come.

xxxxxx

That was the first time we did anything more than kiss. We fucked around a lot after that and it was always fantastic, but it wasn't all about the sex. Zim was actually a pretty good friend to me. He would listen to me rant on for hours, properly listen. We could joke about back stage and be together whenever we wanted but he also understood completely when I needed alone time.
Then after just about a year he packed his stuff one night and left. I would of thought if he was pissed he could of at least come to me first, I could of calmed him down, like he had done to me so many times. If he still felt like that the next day then sure he could still leave. But no, I had to hear from Marilyn that he had refused the new contract and left the band. After that, there was no reason to take the medication again, sure it was easier for everyone else if I was more chilled but fuck them, fuck him especially, he just walked out on us, on me.
Twiggy spoke with him on the phone a few times afterwords, without Manson knowing of course. He came up to me each time and said how I should call him, he was sure he missed me too. I just laughed it off and Twiggy couldn't see through my act or my anger, that was something only Zim could do, so he shrugged dropped it.

I'm still angry about it all and yes, I'm angry at John too. On the auditions I remember how he made his way into the room and smiled shyly before introducing himself and playing a little of different songs, it was obvious from the start he had the place. I didn't like him. Once he left the others discussed him, Manson started by saying; "I like him, great player and such a nice guy too", I almost gagged.
"Me too, he is talented and he would look good with us" Twiggy agreed, obviously, then added with a giggle; "Pretty too". Ginger smirked and nodded, fuck them; "I didn't like him" I mumbled, not that my opinion was even relevent. "Oh what is your fucking problem now Pogo? You have hated every guy that has came in" Manson said with a snarl; "Just because your little boyfriend left -"
Then I irrupted with anger and started yelling how it had nothing to do with Zim. It was kind of a lie, it was to do with zim but mostly everything was changing, again, nothing was steady and I felt weird. I didn't like John, he had said how he worked so hard to get here, leaving his family and maids in his home town. If I wasn't so pissed off I would of laughed in his face, he was obviously from a privileged background and had probably had everything handed to him, Ginger was homeless for a year for crying out load and then John had the audacity to think because he had to leave his fancy house and private school he deserves to be in the band? Fuck him.
After I had finished ranting Manson just looked the other way and Twiggy mumbled for me to go and "cool off". I did and when I came back they announced John would be joining us.

Since he has joined us I think I have made it perfectly clear I didn't want him here. I still don't want him here. I don't care how nice he is too me, I don't care how happy Ginger seems to be because of him. I want him gone. He may be a really nice guy and he may be 'pretty' and even look great in shorts. Fuck it though. I don't want him here. At all.

So yeah, this last year has just been horrible. But right now I can't think of that, I have a show to get ready for. I make way from where I have been sitting at the side of the stage back to the changing room. I like watching the roadies, I don't know why, there is something relaxing about seeing all those little men struggle with the heavy equipment.
I open the door to the dressing room I'm sharing with Twiggy, who by the sounds of things is in there. Manson must be busy doing a interview or something, because the only time Twiggy is actually in our dressing room is when he really needs to get ready or the other guys aren't around for him to bother. I open the door and am very surprised to see John there, the amused shock has gone however when I see that it looks like he was looking through somebody's stuff. My stuff. I can feel anger and rage travel through my entire body. I let out a growl and feel like I should kill him. How dare he.