Please Stay

“Why'd you do it?” I plead, voice cracking. Looking at the man in front of me with a desperate expression, I need an answer. I need to know the reason he felt so low. The reason behind his actions. What caused him to try something fatal? Why did he reach the bottom? Why didn't he come talk to me? We're suppose to trust each other, right? We're suppose to confide in one another and show our demons; lean on each other for support.

He knows I tell him everything. I shared my demons and opinions, even my dreams. I've told him in the beginning straight-forward that I wasn't going to do this if it was going to mean nothing. I couldn't let myself fall again and get hurt. No, this was the last time I was willing to let myself go.

He knows what I've been through. I've told him how I've been wronged, explained how I was forced to give myself away. Someone just came and unwillingly took away my purity. It was the reason behind why I was afraid to get intimate with him. I've explained how I feel so dirty and ashamed. He understood and he help coaxed me through it.

I trust him so much . . .

He knew everything about me but he keeps things from me!

“Adam, why?” I plead again, beginning to feel the knot in my throat and moisture collect in my eyes. He was so close, yet so far away. The two feet distance between us felt like a thousand miles. My legs threatened to give out but I forced them to stay still. I need to be strong. I have to hide my emotions behind a mask because he needs to lean on me. I have to be the rock for this.

Adam ignores me and stares out of his bedroom window. I catch a split second of shame written on his face before the back of his head is faced my way. I push my legs forward and stand beside him. He pulls out a cigarette and a lighter, lighting the cancer stick up. Disbelief washes over me. Adam's eyes stay trained out the window and on the alley covered in cracked asphalt. "Adam?" I ask but he stays still, my words failing to penetrate the wall between us. Pain stabs at my heart and I let the water works go.

Could he not trust me enough to tell me? Did we both stand at different points of our relationship? Was I nothing to him? Did I fall too fast and trust too much in a short amount of time,again? Was I naive to think that he was the one?

I choke out a sob and fall to my knees staring down at the carpet. I tried with my all to stop the tears from falling down my face but it was useless. I felt like the walls of his bedroom were closing in on me. His silence was crushing me and I couldn't take it.

He doesn't want you, who could love scum! He was so disgusted he tried to kill himself!

“Adam!” I cry, reaching out and grabbing his knee. “Don't you dare ignore me! Don't do that to me! Don't you dare!” I hiss, a brief wave of anger surfacing then quickly disappearing. My lungs hurt as I begin to break down. I grip onto the plush carpet while I grit my teeth. My body curled into a ball why the sobs shake my frame.

It felt like someone was ripping out my heart. Why doesn't he trust me? Why the fuck did I trust someone so much again?

“You knew . . . ! You know . . . ! Stop . . . ! I can't . . . ! Please?!” I scream at him, sitting up and covering my face with my hands. I hope he understood my jumbled words.

He knew everything there was to know about me.

He knows how much this hurts.

Stop ignoring me Adam.

I can't handle this.

Please talk to me.

I scream and sob. It hurts so much! Is this really the end of us? Why can't he tell me? I need to know because I can't do this again. I let myself go to him! God, it hurts! "Adam if you don't want me anymore, please tell me" I whimpered pathetically. I was so stupid. So, so fucking stupid.

"Adam, Adam I-" I choked on a sob and shook my head furiously. I need to say something, I didn't want this to happen.

“Q-Quincy, stop,” He whispers. I shake my head at him and cry, rocking back and forth, eyes looking anywhere but at him. Adam puts out the cigarette and finally looks at me. I shut my eyes tightly, here it comes. . .

“Quincy, no, no Quincy. It wasn't your fault” He sputters, kneeling to the floor and pulling me into his arms.

. . I can feel him.

"It's not you, it's not you" He soothes. I can feel those familiar strong arms hold me close and smell the intoxicating scent of Old Spice deodorant. Adam's body is close and familiar. . . The wall between us is torn away while I hold on to him for life. He's so close and I don't want to let him go. I can't let him go. I need him. I can't go on without him, it's impossible. He makes me feel so secure. . .

I don't want anyone else in the world.
I just want Adam.

"I want you here Quincy, I want you" He soothes, kissing my temple and rubbing circles in to the small of my back. I sob and bury my face into his chest, wanting to get lost in his warmth and sense of security.

"Why?" I ask, pulling away. Adam wipes away my tears while I sniffle. The boy bites his bottom lip and looks down, eyebrows furrowing while his eyes turn red.

"I just felt so worthless . . ." He whispered. I quickly pull him into a hug when his tears began to fall.

“Don't, don't you start crying too” I said, choking on a laugh. My light-hearten comment successful to receive a small chuckle from Adam.

"I-I don't know why, but it just came on so suddenly. I thought that being in college and handling all these new changes wouldn't be so bad. . . but it just ate me up and I don't understand why" he continued. Adam took in a shaky breath.

"I just. . . I thought it was over Quincy! I thought it was gone! I thought that I no longer had this depression because I was so happy, so, so happy but it just came back. It came out of no where and I couldn't take it! I just couldn't and I hate it!" I shook my head with each word he spoke.

"No, Adam it's okay for everything to not be perfect! You're still human, you're going to have your rough patches in life too, okay? Just come talk to me next time, please?" my hands bring his face closer to mine. I look into his eyes, wanting him to understand how sincere I'm being.

“What if I lost you ? I don't know what I'd do if you were gone” I cried, running my thumb across his cheek bone. Adam shakes his head and pulls me close. My body shakes against him and I bury my face into his neck. His lips repeatedly kiss my shoulder while I cry my heart out.

“I'm sorry Quincy. Q-Quincy I didn't mean to. . . I'm sorry. . .I'm so sorry” Adam sniffles, his hands rubbing my back .

"It's okay, Hun" I whispered, kissing his neck. Surprise runs through me when he suddenly pulls away. His eyes are red, and watery. The hands I've grown to love so much cup my face. "Quincy, I love you so much. I understand we've both been through so much, but I want you Quincy! I want you know and until the day I die, okay? I want to smile with you an be happy with you and be there for you again and again."

Adam gave a small smile and I attache our lips together. The kiss turns needy, his hands gripping onto me and his lips latching onto mine quickly. I kiss him back with just as much intensity, my hands moving from the back of his neck to his chest, then back and up again. I can hear his labored breathing as he pulls me closer and I smile.We kept the kiss going, my hands running all over his body because I needed to know that he was really here. He didn't go through with killing himself and this was real. I wasn't dreaming. I didn't lose him, he didn't shut me out of his life. He trusts me too.

“It's going to be okay” I tell him, pulling away. My hands cup his face and I stare into his eyes. Adam nods his head, “It will.”



"Q-Quincy. . ." A familiar voice whispers. I whined and curled up tighter, feeling the cold nip at my toes and back. Warm arms pull me closer and I uncurled, hands holding on his shirt and head pressing against his chest. I hum to let him know I'm listening.

"Quincy, again I'm s-" I cut him off by pressing a finger to his lips, letting him know to be quiet. Adam tries again but I just repeat my actions and press a kiss to his jaw. My arm wraps around his torso, my hand beginning to rub circles into his back. I can tell by the bags under his eyes that he hasn't gotten any sleep, and this is bad.

"Adam you need to sleep" I tell him softly. Once I mention it his face looks ten times more tired and I wonder if he's gotten any sleep at all these past couple of days.

"It's not go-" I begin but he cut's me off. "I know" he sighs.

"Especially s-"

"I know Quincy" Adam cuts in, voice a bit harsh. Despite his tone, my face softens. I roll onto my back and tug on his shoulder. He acquiesced to my actions, head resting on my chest. I smile and begin to run my fingers through his hair knowing how much he liked it.

"I'm sorry" he apologizes.

"It's okay" I assure him.

"I didn't tell you about what happened because I was afraid that you'd leave me. I didn't want you to feel like it was your fault but I didn't know how to talk to you about it. Before, when I did tell you about how depressed I was, it wasn't so bad but this time it was just too much. I didn't feel like talking and then that night I just felt so low. . .

"Quincy I'm so sorry I made you worry so much and I hurt you, that was the last thing I wanted to do," Adam's voice wavers, I kiss the top of his head.

"It's okay, Hun, I freaked out" I giggle and I know a small smile has graced his lips.

I've been with Adam for so long and he means so much to me. I think he knows too, and I don't mind if it's him. I don't care if I embarrass myself around him because I know he doesn't even care. I know I can trust him and from day one I've refused to tell him lies because I just can't. Not when it's him, he means so much more.

And I know now, I know he loves me and he feels the same way, I know he trusts me and that we're both human. It's okay to cry, he doesn't have to try to be strong all the time and neither do I.

"Go to sleep, Love" I tell him, feeling his arms wrap around me.

"But, I wanted to talk to you . . ." He trails off. I smile, noticing how distracted he sounds. A small bit of triumph builds up in me, my fingers doing their best to massage his scalp. His breathing turns shallow and I know that this is working.

"Don't leave" He whispers.

"Never" I assure him, my hands moving down to rub his shoulders. It isn't long until he's asleep.

We'll be okay, I'm sure of it.