Games Psychos Play
Chapter 10; Oops
Dr. Brown sat there staring at me, tapping his pen on his new leather bound notebook, I shook my leg ferociously, sometimes staring back, sometimes peering out the window, neither of us saying anything at all. We had done this every day for four days. I would get their first, James doing the usual handcuffing me to the table, Dr. Brown would walk in after, dismissing James, and we would sit there with only the sound of tapping pens, shaking legs, and the hum of the air conditioning to fill the void. This would last the session, after an hour, Dr. Brown would sigh still looking at me, stand up, place his note pad and pen on the table, and call for James to come in. I hadn't said anything for days, neither had James, I figured we were all just in a lot of shock. I’d lay awake at night with the constant image of the Congressman’s blood seeping out onto the couch. The incident would replay in my head, like a video recording, constantly rewinding. Congressman Michelle grabbing the gun, placing it in his mouth, and pulling the trigger; a ten second happening but yet I could watch it over and over again in my head. What did it all mean? Why did he need to do it front of me? How was I supposed to feel about this? I knew what Dr. Brown wanted from me but I couldn't talk about it. I was afraid that whatever I was feeling, all the things that I was thinking was the exact opposite of what I should be. After all, even though indirect, the Congressman’s death was my fault.
“How long are we going to do this, Doc?” I said finally breaking the silence of a five day silent treatment.
“Well I supposed that’s all up to you, Gwen.” Said Dr. Brown keeping calm as ever.
“I don’t know what you want me to say?” I asked
“Say anything… Say how you feel, say what you’re thinking, say whatever you want to say.” I sighed heavily and took a glance around the room.
“I don’t how to feel about it all… I could tell you what I was thinking, but I don’t think I could formulate it all into a sentence that made much sense to me much less to you.”
“Try me.” Said Dr. Brown patiently awaiting my response. I waited a minute in fear that once I opened my mouth it would all come spilling out like the Congressman’s Brains…too soon.
“I feel like, suicide is usually some big show for the doer, someone who hadn't really put in much thought to how their death would affect others. Suicide is selfish, but the Congressman didn't do this for himself, he did it for me, to hurt me, to make me feel responsible in some way, like I was the force behind him pulling the trigger. “ I said in a very slow mono tone voice.
“And how do you feel about that?” Dr. Brown responds.
“I feel… annoyed. What a cowardly thing to do.” I said looking up to see Dr. Brown’s response who was holding his usual poker face all too well. “Leaving a family behind to what? Prove a point to your daughter’s murderer, and exactly what point was that? I didn’t just kill his daughter, I killed him too?” I said posing it as a question. “By what metaphorically pulling the trigger? Pft.” I said smacking my lips after, “What a horrid cliché.” I stopped in fear of what Dr. Brown would say, how would he look at me. He paused for a minute, nodded his head, and wrote a few things down.
“What makes you so sure that was his point?” Asked Dr. Brown.
“Please, enlighten me as to what you think the point of the show was?” I said a bit to sarcastically, when I really was interested in what Dr. Brown thought of the whole charade.
“Maybe the Congressman was trying to take power into his own hands, take control. You may have controlled the death of his daughter, but this was out of your control. Nothing you said or did could stop it, you were utterly and completely powerless, when it came to his decision. Maybe he was trying to strip you of the power you had over him.” Dr. Brown finished and waited for my response, not sure if I it would a positive or a negative one.
“Do you think it worked?” I asked.
“Do I think what worked?”
“Stripping me of my power? Losing all control?”
“I don’t know Gwen, do you feel powerless?”
“I don’t know Doc, I live in a psych ward, where for 24 hours, very day, my actions are monitored. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt powerful or in control here.” I said shaking my handcuffs a little to remind myself who was really in control.
“The Congressman had to ask you if it was okay to meet, he had to arrange special security for you, special place and time for you. You were in solitary for days because of your actions, you no longer eat with the other patients because of the decisions you made, it seems to me like the only one who does have control is you… and ultimately the only person that can get you out of here, is you.” Said Dr. Brown emphasizing the “you” parts as he went on and on.
“So we control our own destiny?”
“I believe that is true.” Answered Dr. Brown
“What about you huh? Your wife didn't feel the same way, is that why she left you?
You were just to controlling, always wanting everything to be your way.
“That’s enough Gwen” Said Dr. Brown
“Oh, so we can talk about me but we can’t talk about you?” I didn't know what had come over me, sudden anger filling my body.
“We’re not here about, were about—“
“You” we both said in unison. “Me, Me, Me, Me, lets point the finger at Gwen, she’s always the bad guy.” I said mockingly.
“I never said that.”
“So what about you? Where is your demons, huh?” I said “What’d you do to make her leave? Wouldn't leave the ward? Have a home office, your own practice, couldn't do that? Is that why she left you, Dr. Brown? Did she walk in on you fucking your daughter wildly? Is that why she won’t talk to y—“
“Dammit Gwen, I said ENOUGH!” Dr. Brown’s voice had risen louder than I had ever heard him. Startled, I’m sure, James walked in soon after. I sat quietly staring out the window at the pale blue sky.
“Sir?” James asked surprised at Dr. Brown who was now standing, staring deathly at me.
“We’re done today, James.” Said Dr. Brown in a low husky voice, snapping out his trance.
“Yes, Sir.” Nodded James who was at my feet taking off the handcuffs from the table and snapping them back around my ankles.
“Dr. Brown I’m so sorry.” I said voice breaking as James stood me up and led me out the door. Walking back to my room I remembered all too clearly now, the pictures of Dr. Brown’s daughter, the greeting cards, the flowers. He had never said it to me, no one ever talked about it, but even I knew she was dead.
Oops.
“How long are we going to do this, Doc?” I said finally breaking the silence of a five day silent treatment.
“Well I supposed that’s all up to you, Gwen.” Said Dr. Brown keeping calm as ever.
“I don’t know what you want me to say?” I asked
“Say anything… Say how you feel, say what you’re thinking, say whatever you want to say.” I sighed heavily and took a glance around the room.
“I don’t how to feel about it all… I could tell you what I was thinking, but I don’t think I could formulate it all into a sentence that made much sense to me much less to you.”
“Try me.” Said Dr. Brown patiently awaiting my response. I waited a minute in fear that once I opened my mouth it would all come spilling out like the Congressman’s Brains…too soon.
“I feel like, suicide is usually some big show for the doer, someone who hadn't really put in much thought to how their death would affect others. Suicide is selfish, but the Congressman didn't do this for himself, he did it for me, to hurt me, to make me feel responsible in some way, like I was the force behind him pulling the trigger. “ I said in a very slow mono tone voice.
“And how do you feel about that?” Dr. Brown responds.
“I feel… annoyed. What a cowardly thing to do.” I said looking up to see Dr. Brown’s response who was holding his usual poker face all too well. “Leaving a family behind to what? Prove a point to your daughter’s murderer, and exactly what point was that? I didn’t just kill his daughter, I killed him too?” I said posing it as a question. “By what metaphorically pulling the trigger? Pft.” I said smacking my lips after, “What a horrid cliché.” I stopped in fear of what Dr. Brown would say, how would he look at me. He paused for a minute, nodded his head, and wrote a few things down.
“What makes you so sure that was his point?” Asked Dr. Brown.
“Please, enlighten me as to what you think the point of the show was?” I said a bit to sarcastically, when I really was interested in what Dr. Brown thought of the whole charade.
“Maybe the Congressman was trying to take power into his own hands, take control. You may have controlled the death of his daughter, but this was out of your control. Nothing you said or did could stop it, you were utterly and completely powerless, when it came to his decision. Maybe he was trying to strip you of the power you had over him.” Dr. Brown finished and waited for my response, not sure if I it would a positive or a negative one.
“Do you think it worked?” I asked.
“Do I think what worked?”
“Stripping me of my power? Losing all control?”
“I don’t know Gwen, do you feel powerless?”
“I don’t know Doc, I live in a psych ward, where for 24 hours, very day, my actions are monitored. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt powerful or in control here.” I said shaking my handcuffs a little to remind myself who was really in control.
“The Congressman had to ask you if it was okay to meet, he had to arrange special security for you, special place and time for you. You were in solitary for days because of your actions, you no longer eat with the other patients because of the decisions you made, it seems to me like the only one who does have control is you… and ultimately the only person that can get you out of here, is you.” Said Dr. Brown emphasizing the “you” parts as he went on and on.
“So we control our own destiny?”
“I believe that is true.” Answered Dr. Brown
“What about you huh? Your wife didn't feel the same way, is that why she left you?
You were just to controlling, always wanting everything to be your way.
“That’s enough Gwen” Said Dr. Brown
“Oh, so we can talk about me but we can’t talk about you?” I didn't know what had come over me, sudden anger filling my body.
“We’re not here about, were about—“
“You” we both said in unison. “Me, Me, Me, Me, lets point the finger at Gwen, she’s always the bad guy.” I said mockingly.
“I never said that.”
“So what about you? Where is your demons, huh?” I said “What’d you do to make her leave? Wouldn't leave the ward? Have a home office, your own practice, couldn't do that? Is that why she left you, Dr. Brown? Did she walk in on you fucking your daughter wildly? Is that why she won’t talk to y—“
“Dammit Gwen, I said ENOUGH!” Dr. Brown’s voice had risen louder than I had ever heard him. Startled, I’m sure, James walked in soon after. I sat quietly staring out the window at the pale blue sky.
“Sir?” James asked surprised at Dr. Brown who was now standing, staring deathly at me.
“We’re done today, James.” Said Dr. Brown in a low husky voice, snapping out his trance.
“Yes, Sir.” Nodded James who was at my feet taking off the handcuffs from the table and snapping them back around my ankles.
“Dr. Brown I’m so sorry.” I said voice breaking as James stood me up and led me out the door. Walking back to my room I remembered all too clearly now, the pictures of Dr. Brown’s daughter, the greeting cards, the flowers. He had never said it to me, no one ever talked about it, but even I knew she was dead.
Oops.