Games Psychos Play
Chapter 13: Bullshit
“Gwen is everything okay?” James asked as I poked around in the mystery stew, peas, and mashed potatoes on my plate. “You haven’t spoken since earlier today, is it about the night guard thing?” James kept pushing but I kept my eyes on the food, hoping that if I just kept ignoring him he’d give up. “Is it about CJ?” he asked; I paused for a moment but continued to poke around the plate. “Gwen… look at me.” He said slowly this time. I took a deep breath before I faced James and his disappointment. “Does it have anything to do with CJ?” His eyes bore into mine and for a moment I wanted to tell him everything, but I couldn't take the risk of him not believing me. I stared back at him for a moment and then returned my attention back to the mystery stew, “Gwen!” James was yelling and slammed his fist onto the table.
“Let it go!” I said, close to tears, my voice cracking. “Please, just let it go.”
“Gwen,” James now stood, walked to the side of me, and pushed my plate to the side. “You can tell me anything. Whatever it is, I’ll help you.”
“Not this.” I said shaking my head, the tears finally having their way. “Not this.” I could see James desperately wanted to help me and it was that same desperation that I needed to extinguish before Dr. Brown came back from vacation. I didn't need Dr. Brown poking his nose in to this. James sighed heavily, stood, and walked out of the room for a while. I wiped my tears and tried to pull myself together. Minutes passed and I was finished with my so called “lunch” and ready to retreat back to my cave but James still hadn't come back. Part of me was nervous he was outside causing havoc and raising hell but what did he have to tell? I hadn't said anything of any substance. About half an hour later James returned to the room, grabbed my plate of food, and threw it in the trash. He then lifted me leading me back to my room all the while not saying a word.
“James, what’s going on?” I asked, concerned that James was being irrational.
“CJ will not be your guard tonight, Dr. Brown will be here in a few hours.” Said James with little emotion and a straight face.
“James!” I said shifting my arm away and stopping abruptly in the hall. James sighed heavily again, and grabbed my arm, more so dragging me back to my room. “I told you to let it go!”
“The fact that there is anything to let go is the problem Gwen.” James was angry, but I couldn't tell if he was angry about the possibility that it could be about CJ or the fact that I wasn’t telling him what was wrong. James sat me on the bed, and left leaving the handcuffs on. I sat there tapping away and of course the clock was ticking away counteracting my taps. All these questions were rushing through my head and he silence of the room made them even louder. What had James said? Why was Dr. Brown coming? How the hell was I going to get of this? I waited for what seemed like hours counting the ticks; 60 ticks per minute, 10 minutes, 600 ticks, 20 minutes, 1200 ticks. If I counted another fucking tick I was going to kill myself. I considered choking myself with the chains from my cuffs, it was never a serious idea; it was just one that popped up in my head. It would be a task, I’d have to lift my feet and twist my arms in a way that I wasn’t really sure I could do. 1500 ticks.
Finally the door opened and it was James who looked just as angry as he did moments ago. He lifted me and we began walking the way to Dr. Brown’s office. I no longer had time to worry about James and his attitude, I had to now think of something, anything, to throw off Dr. Brown. A part of me was mad that James had ran and cried to Dr. Brown in the first place, but I couldn’t worry about that either. We entered through the doors of Dr. Brown’s office and though it had only been a week since I had been in his office, it felt like forever. It was unfortunate that Dr. Brown could only go on vacation for a couple of days before he had to run back to the hospital for some more of my bullshit; I had to admit I felt bad. We went through the usual process, James sitting me down on the couch and transferring the handcuffs from my ankles to the table. Dr. Brown entered shortly after and this time did not excuse James from the room. He placed his things on the desk and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.
He then placed the bottle in front of me and sat down in his chair.
“Short vacation huh doc?” I said. I figured acting like my usual self would make James seem as if he was overreacting about the whole thing.
“It could’ve been longer.” He said with a nit of a chuckle. I was surprised that he was acting so normal. “You feel like talking today?” He asked the smile wiped off his face.
“Not about what you want to talk about.” I said hoping we could just forget about it all.
“We can’t just forget about this, Gwen.” Dammit.
“There’s nothing to forget.” I said,
“How about I ask you a few questions and you can just tell me yes or no. Can we agree to that?” I waited for a moment taking a short glance around the room, staring at the blue sky outside. This could change everything. I nodded. “Are you uncomfortable with CJ being your night guard?” He asked, I could hear James step a little closer. Say no, say no, say no, say no.
“Yes.” Dammit.
“Has CJ said or done anything to make you feel uncomfortable?” He waited paitently as tears started to well in my eyes. Stop it, you weak bitch, stop it. Just stay strong, say nothing’s wrong and you can go on about your way.
“Please.” I pleaded. I just wanted everyone to let it go. The tears were falling and I put my head down to avoid Dr. Browns eyes.
“This is a safe place.” Said Dr. Brown
“Oh please.” I said, “Don’t feed me that psychiatrist bullshit. I think we’re all a little better than that”
“You’re right you are better than that.” Dr. Brown leaned back in his chair and rubbed his head back and forth, and then leaned back forward resting his elbows on his knees. “Gwen, I’m sorry. I personally apologize for whatever has happened to you in this place. You don’t deserve that. I want you to know James and myself, we’re going to do everything in our power to make this right, but we can’t guess. I can’t read minds, and I can’t reprimand someone when I don’t know what they did wrong. It’s not fair for you keep this in because it hurting you and you know it. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to other patients here. Let us protect you, let us help you.” This time James came forward into my sight and gave me a reassuring smile.
I call bullshit.
“Let it go!” I said, close to tears, my voice cracking. “Please, just let it go.”
“Gwen,” James now stood, walked to the side of me, and pushed my plate to the side. “You can tell me anything. Whatever it is, I’ll help you.”
“Not this.” I said shaking my head, the tears finally having their way. “Not this.” I could see James desperately wanted to help me and it was that same desperation that I needed to extinguish before Dr. Brown came back from vacation. I didn't need Dr. Brown poking his nose in to this. James sighed heavily, stood, and walked out of the room for a while. I wiped my tears and tried to pull myself together. Minutes passed and I was finished with my so called “lunch” and ready to retreat back to my cave but James still hadn't come back. Part of me was nervous he was outside causing havoc and raising hell but what did he have to tell? I hadn't said anything of any substance. About half an hour later James returned to the room, grabbed my plate of food, and threw it in the trash. He then lifted me leading me back to my room all the while not saying a word.
“James, what’s going on?” I asked, concerned that James was being irrational.
“CJ will not be your guard tonight, Dr. Brown will be here in a few hours.” Said James with little emotion and a straight face.
“James!” I said shifting my arm away and stopping abruptly in the hall. James sighed heavily again, and grabbed my arm, more so dragging me back to my room. “I told you to let it go!”
“The fact that there is anything to let go is the problem Gwen.” James was angry, but I couldn't tell if he was angry about the possibility that it could be about CJ or the fact that I wasn’t telling him what was wrong. James sat me on the bed, and left leaving the handcuffs on. I sat there tapping away and of course the clock was ticking away counteracting my taps. All these questions were rushing through my head and he silence of the room made them even louder. What had James said? Why was Dr. Brown coming? How the hell was I going to get of this? I waited for what seemed like hours counting the ticks; 60 ticks per minute, 10 minutes, 600 ticks, 20 minutes, 1200 ticks. If I counted another fucking tick I was going to kill myself. I considered choking myself with the chains from my cuffs, it was never a serious idea; it was just one that popped up in my head. It would be a task, I’d have to lift my feet and twist my arms in a way that I wasn’t really sure I could do. 1500 ticks.
Finally the door opened and it was James who looked just as angry as he did moments ago. He lifted me and we began walking the way to Dr. Brown’s office. I no longer had time to worry about James and his attitude, I had to now think of something, anything, to throw off Dr. Brown. A part of me was mad that James had ran and cried to Dr. Brown in the first place, but I couldn’t worry about that either. We entered through the doors of Dr. Brown’s office and though it had only been a week since I had been in his office, it felt like forever. It was unfortunate that Dr. Brown could only go on vacation for a couple of days before he had to run back to the hospital for some more of my bullshit; I had to admit I felt bad. We went through the usual process, James sitting me down on the couch and transferring the handcuffs from my ankles to the table. Dr. Brown entered shortly after and this time did not excuse James from the room. He placed his things on the desk and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.
He then placed the bottle in front of me and sat down in his chair.
“Short vacation huh doc?” I said. I figured acting like my usual self would make James seem as if he was overreacting about the whole thing.
“It could’ve been longer.” He said with a nit of a chuckle. I was surprised that he was acting so normal. “You feel like talking today?” He asked the smile wiped off his face.
“Not about what you want to talk about.” I said hoping we could just forget about it all.
“We can’t just forget about this, Gwen.” Dammit.
“There’s nothing to forget.” I said,
“How about I ask you a few questions and you can just tell me yes or no. Can we agree to that?” I waited for a moment taking a short glance around the room, staring at the blue sky outside. This could change everything. I nodded. “Are you uncomfortable with CJ being your night guard?” He asked, I could hear James step a little closer. Say no, say no, say no, say no.
“Yes.” Dammit.
“Has CJ said or done anything to make you feel uncomfortable?” He waited paitently as tears started to well in my eyes. Stop it, you weak bitch, stop it. Just stay strong, say nothing’s wrong and you can go on about your way.
“Please.” I pleaded. I just wanted everyone to let it go. The tears were falling and I put my head down to avoid Dr. Browns eyes.
“This is a safe place.” Said Dr. Brown
“Oh please.” I said, “Don’t feed me that psychiatrist bullshit. I think we’re all a little better than that”
“You’re right you are better than that.” Dr. Brown leaned back in his chair and rubbed his head back and forth, and then leaned back forward resting his elbows on his knees. “Gwen, I’m sorry. I personally apologize for whatever has happened to you in this place. You don’t deserve that. I want you to know James and myself, we’re going to do everything in our power to make this right, but we can’t guess. I can’t read minds, and I can’t reprimand someone when I don’t know what they did wrong. It’s not fair for you keep this in because it hurting you and you know it. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to other patients here. Let us protect you, let us help you.” This time James came forward into my sight and gave me a reassuring smile.
I call bullshit.