Peine D'amour

Coming up was our sixth month anniversary, and everything seemed to be going well. Me and him fought quite a bit, but nothing too seriously. This was the first night that Frankie had a suicide scare and it runs through my head all of the time. But, for the life of me, I still can’t remember why we started to fight in the first place. The only thing I remember is looking at the clock and it was 2 in the morning. I had school the next day and me and him were going at it really bad. I was being calling a whore, slut, worthless and everything you could ever think of and the only thing I remember saying is that he was a huge asshole who didn’t care about anything.
I guess those were things that I shouldn’t have said. Frankie started to send the suicide texts, and he started to not answer my phone calls. It all happen so fast and all of the sudden the night thing I remember is that I’m laying there, texting him ever two minutes telling him things like, “Please text me back.”, “Don’t do this to me, I need you.”, “Please Frankie, please talk to me”, and calling him back to back, trying to get him to answer. I remember dozing off for thirty minutes at a time, waking up, and doing the same thing all over again.
About the time that 3 in the afternoon came around, I had sent a text saying, “What do I have to do to talk to you again?“
Not even thirty minutes after that I received a message saying, “You don’t have to do anything.” I was so relieved, and happy but at the same time angry, and sad that he finally messaged me back.
“Are you okay?!” I instantly sent back.
“I’m fine.” I could even feel the harshness from his words through his messages.
“What happened last night?” I sent, desperately trying to figure out why he didn’t respond to me all night.
“I almost died, Jessica.” I started to cry. I had tried to call him, but he of course didn’t answer.
“I can’t answer, stop calling. I’m in the hospital.” He sent after I called him a couple of times.
“Why did you do that Frankie?! I could’ve lost you forever! You had me so damn worried that I basically stayed up all night texting you and calling you! Please Frankie, don’t ever do that again, please!” I begged him through text.
“As if you care.” He messaged me back, and it really pissed me off because if I didn’t care why would I have messaged and called him a million times trying to get him to talk to me.
“I don’t care? Are you serious Frankie? I care about you more then absolutely anything in this world! You mean the most to me! I would be completely lost with you! I can’t ever seeing myself without you! Do you know what that would’ve done to me? How can you possibly say that I don’t care?!” I frantically sent back.
“Whatever. I forgot to lock the bathroom door so my cousin walked in on me and took me to the hospital. I wish she wouldn’t have though.” He messaged back. I remember starting to freak out on him, telling him that I couldn’t live without him and everything else to make him believe me. After an hour or so trying to get him to believe me, he finally did and even everything was okay for a while.

I just don’t really understand my relationship. Frankie can force me to stop talking to my closest friends, make me delete my account on the chat website I was on where we met, and make me feel like shit for getting high, drinking, and hanging out with friends. But he can hang out with friends, get high, and drink, and talk to the girl who is always trying to get him to break up with me and be with her? I then realized that this was a double standard relationship and the one who was getting looked down on was me because of the one mistake I made in the beginning of our relationship.
I remember that I always did everything he asked of me, and I send him sweet texts multiple times daily, and do everything I can to keep him happy but if one thing goes wrong, everything is ruined. I just couldn’t wrap my finger around the concept of why I was being treated so badly, but then one night, everything changed.
Frankie had gotten into a wreck and was in the hospital for three days. I didn’t know anything. I remember that we were kind of arguing and then he had just randomly stopped talking to me and never returned. I didn’t text him that much because I just figured that he wanted time away from me. Whenever I finally heard from him, it wasn’t through a phone call, or a text message but yet I saw him post a status on facebook saying, “Thanks to Ash, Leidia, and Britney for spamming me with messages making me feel loved.” I was completely livid.
I was thinking of different ways to make him realize that I saw his status and that I was mad at him. I wanted to post a status of my own saying “Fuck You.” or something on the lines of that, but instead I texted him and we fought for a while but then everything calmed back down.

So many things went on during the next year or so. I had gone to Arkansa to meet my oldest brother David’s biological family, and during that Frankie had a blod clot and was in the hospital the majority of the time so I didn’t really get to talk to him, but whenever I did I couldn’t tell whether everything was okay or if everything was bad. During the trip though, I had been going behind Frankie’s back and did pills and smoke weed the whole time I was there.
But in a way, I didn’t care that he’d be mad if he found out. I was having fun there, relaxing and feeling good. I had already found out that the only way I could keep from exploding in this relationship is to smoke weed and party whether Frankie liked it or even knew about it. I usually tried to keep it from him because he always got mad and threw a fit about it.