Peine D'amour

I opened my eyes slightly and starting to think about why my relationship was so horrible. I realized that the distance was one of the most horrible things about this whole thing. The only way we could talk or 'be together' was through talking on the phone, facebook, texting, or emailing. I always wished so much that I'd be able to wake up next to Frankie the next morning. I'd always go to sleep with him on the phone, making it easier to pretend that he was right beside me in my bed, and then I'd wake up and be completely disappointed because he wasn't there; he'd never be there because he's in Odgen, Utah, which is a rough 15,000 miles away from Benton, Louisiana.
I don't know how many times I'd lie awake with Frankie and talk about meeting up with each other and finally acting like the couple that we were. He swore that most of our problems were because of the distance, and on his part, it was. He wasn't able to see if I was going behind his back and hooking up with other guys, or around people that he doesn't like. He doesn't know who else I'm texting or if I'm lying about where I'm at and where I've been. I sometimes don't blame him for being paranoid or jealous, it's just that besides the two incidents that have happened, I haven't done anything wrong at all.
Anything else that I've done bad is get high without telling him I did, which saves a fight, and then I'll tell him I'm going to a different friends house whenever I go to my friend Lauren's. He thinks that since I stayed at her house for about two weeks that she stole me away from him and that I'm becoming her and all kinds of nonsense. It really bugs me whenever he talks bad about Lauren, because she's my bestfriend and she's the only one who knows what I'm going through since she's in a long distance relationship as well.
I hate how he'd always get mad whenever I was at a friends house, because it made me feel like he didn't want me to have any friends. As if he wanted me to talk to him and only him. It isn't fun at all to feel like you're trapped in your own house because you're scared you're going to fight with your significant other because you want to go out for a bit. I couldn't even imagined what he'd do if I went to a club, since he flips his lid whenever I go to parties or anything kind of social event.
I sighed, shook my head and closed my eyes again, cuddling into my blankets I went back to thinking about what I've been through in my relationship.

Once I had gotten back from Arkansa, I started hanging out with my now best friend Kaylee, going to her house every single weekend and getting drunk and doing drugs. Frankie had liked Kaylee for the most part, probably because she was girl.
Even though I was really, really, drunk I remember one night with her very vividly. We were all having a really good time, drinking, listening to music, dancing and just enjoying everyone’s company. Frankie and I were texting a little bit but he was sick at the moment and sleeping most of the night.
I was having the time of my life, running outside across the street to drink alcohol and get high to talk to some of my other friends and then running back to Kaylee’s to hang out with the people there, also drinking and smoking. I remember laying on my stomach on her bed, this guy named Ryan sitting on the bed in front of me. He was letting me drink his liquor, and he was giving me shot after shot after shot of whiskey. I, of course, thought nothing of it.
I remember asking my friend Renee’ that was over there if Ryan was trying to hook up with me and she said to me, with her slurred voice, “I think he is, but I’m too busy trying to hook up with Tony to even notice.”
Then all of a sudden I wake up from being blacked out, on the floor of Kaylee’s bedroom, having sex with Ryan. I continued it for a while, not even thinking about the fact I was in a relationship. Then it hit me! I pushed him off of me and put on my pants and ran outside where Renee’ was and instantly started to cry to her. She calmed me down and we went back inside and sat on the couches. I remember texting Frankie somewhere around 5 in the morning telling him that I had woken up and wanted to tell him that I loved him.
I continued drinking that night and ended up having sex with Ryan again, but thankfully I woke up on the couch with all of my clothes on.
That’s just something I never got up the courage to tell Frankie. I know it would’ve killed him and ruined the whole entire relationship. I swore on everything the next morning after the unspeakable act that I would never do such a thing again, and I kept by it for the rest of our relationship. I can admit that there were times that Ryan was hanging around and he tried doing things, but I was being a good girlfriend and rejected him every time. I never got to the point of being drunk that I didn’t know what I was doing again.
I still feel guilty for cheating on Frankie. I know it was one of the worst things I could’ve done to him. Especially knowing how bad it hurt him whenever I broke up with him for someone else.

Our relationship continued to on. Through the next couple of months we literally fought every single day. I don’t remember a day that I didn’t cry because of him. Hell, I can’t even remember a day that I wasn’t accused of lying, cheating, going behind his back, everything. I know I’ve done some bad things in this relationship, but I know that I didn’t deserve what I was being put through. I was being treated as if I was the worst person in the whole world to him. I was being treated like I was the scummiest person on the earth, like I didn’t deserve good things in my life, as if every step I made and every word I spoke was wrong, like I never did anything good. It was weird that I always felt like that because the things he would say would be about himself. He would say things like, “I don’t deserve you, you deserve someone so much better.”, “You’d be so much better off without me.”, and “I’m no good for you, all I do is hurt you and make you cry.” but, he would also call me names and say stuff about me that really hurt.
I know we broke up a thousand of times during our relationship, and for some reason we kept getting back not even within a day. It was like we couldn’t stay awake from each other; our fake, stupid love was so strong that it could never keep us apart. I swear there wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that he didn’t say that he hated me.