Peine D'amour

The day that everything started going down hill was on December 9th, 2011, two days before our one and a half year anniversary. I had always had a feeling deep inside of me that Frankie was using someone else's pictures. I always knew that he didn't look like the pictures he sent me. I remember this day as if it happened only an hour ago. I remember every single emotion I felt. I remember everything down to the detail of what I was wearing.
It was honestly the worst day in our relationship. Not even the day where it officially ended could’ve topped this one.
Frankie and I were on the phone, actually talking and having a good time listening to each other’s voices. He was in a really cheery mood. I had decided to log onto his facebook and search the friends that he had always talked about, so that I could add them to his friends list. I looked up a guy named Blu first, and then sent him a friend request. While doing do, I was telling Frankie exactly what I was doing, but he was constantly telling me not to do it. I had then asked him what his friend Alex’s last name was.
“Me and him are fighting right now, he’s not going to accept my friend request.” He told me, with a hesitant sound in his voice.
“Why are you two fighting?” I asked him and while he went on and told me why them two had a falling out, I was looking through Blu’s facebook. I had came across a girl named Autumn, who he was friends with and talked about a couple times. Frankie had even gotten a pair of tapers and tunnels from Autumn that didn’t fit her ears to send me to me, and I currently had them in my ears.
I started looking through Autumn’s friends list and found a guy named Alex Stephenson and the default picture was a picture that Frankie had sent me a couple days ago. Sure enough, I had to take a couple glimpses to realize that it was Frankie’s picture. So, being curious, I clicked on his name and went to looking through Alex Stephen’s pictures. Every picture there was, was Frankie. Right then and there I realized that Frankie was using someone else’s pictures. I started to get a little attitude towards him on the phone, and he started to get angry about it and asked me what was up my butt.
I had saved a picture of Alex that I had never seen, and put it in a text message to Frankie. I didn’t send the picture just yet. Frankie was getting more angry by the second and he had gotten silent.
“Don’t hang up,” I said desperately and then on accident I pressed send and at that moment, I knew everything was about to get real that night.
“Please don’t hang up, Frankie.” I told him again, and then said it a couple more times until I hear a dialing tone in my ears. My heart had dropped because I knew he got the picture, and he knew that I knew.
I can’t really tell you what I was feeling at that moment, because my feelings were indescribable. Betrayed, maybe? I definitely felt lied to and used. I then noticed that he deleted his facebook page, and I began to think about things.
“Frankie?” I had texted him.
“What?” He slowly replied.
“Why did you delete your facebook?” I asked him.
“I don’t need it anymore.” He replied quickly this time and I bit my lip, knowing that everything that I thought I knew was a lie. A complete and utter lie.
I can’t really remember what was said after that, but I found out that Frankie was not Frankie. He wasn’t even a boy. He was actually a she. Her name was Autumn. Ironically, it was the Autumn who’s facebook I looked at whenever I saw the evidence that confirmed that Frankie wasn’t who he said he was.
I remember crying all night, not being able to grisp onto the fact that Frankie was female. That Frankie was Autumn. Oddly enough, I wasn’t even sad about the fact that he was a she, because I already have dated girls in the past. The thing that upset me the most is the fact that Autumn had explained to me that most of the things that she had told me, was a lie. She told me that she was actually a year younger then me, that her mom wasn’t really dead, that she never had a blood clot and other diseases that she told me she had caught in our relationship. She lied about being addicted to meth back in the day, and that she never tried killing herself, and that she never hung out with the people she said she did.
I can’t even name all of the things that she had lied about. I was absolutely hurt, destroyed, betrayed, angry, depressed, and unable to stop crying. That night made everything that I had did in the past look like a scratch. But, the thing was, while she was begging me to leave her and forget about her because of all of the pain that she had brought me, I was trying to convince her to stay so that we can try and work things out. Honestly, I fell in love with who she was, not what she looked like and what gender she was. I was willing to put it behind us and start fresh.
And that’s exactly what we did. After a month of trying to get used to Autumn, I couldn’t help but to miss Frankie since that’s who I was dating to begin with. Autumn and I continued to get into fights. But not about what they were before, but because she thought that “I wanted a guy, being with a girl wouldn’t make me happy.”, “I wanted kids and to be able to make them with my partner.”, “Deserved someone who didn’t lie about their whole life.”, and she was probably right.
As time went by, I began to hate Autumn and I got irritated at every little thing she did. I began to treat her like she had treated me back in the day. I got irritated at every little thing she did and I tried to be away from home as much as possible so I didn’t have to fall asleep with her at night or even talk to her on the phone at all.
Autumn couldn’t pay her cellphone bill one month, so the only we had to talk was through emails. We emailed each other back and forth for about half of a month, and then her internet got disconnected. We didn’t talk about every other day whenever she went to the library to use the computers.

I finally stopped thinking and opened my eyes once my phone beeped, telling me that I have a message. I sighed in relief that there was finally a reply from Robert.
“You’re with someone that you hate? That’s weird.” I put my phone down, not even wanting to reply. I then received another message and so I looked at my phone and read it.
“I’m just surprised you haven’t realized how miserable you were with her about a year and a half ago. It’s always been this way, it’s just extremely worst now. I always told you that you deserved better and I’m glad that you finally realized it. I suggest you end it while you have a chance and before it gets any worse.” as I read the words Evan sent me, I started to cry. I knew that it was what I needed to do, even though I somewhat didn’t want to. I went to my email and started to type out a really long letter that stated why I’ve been acting differently. I told her that I would always love her, but that there was no way I could continue in a relationship where all they did was fight and all that I could even think about was the fact that she lied about her entire life to me. I reread it a couple of times and then just stared at my screen.
Am I really going to go through with this? Do I really have what it takes to do this? I knew that if I sent send that I would have to adjust to a whole different life. I wouldn’t have someone to talk to every single day, all day. I wouldn’t have someone to fall asleep on the phone with every night. I wouldn’t have someone to call me beautiful. I wouldn’t even have someone to fight with. After being with someone for a year and nine months, you get used to certain things and I know that it’s going to be hard to change.
I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. I pressed my phone’s instantly felt no regret. I felt relieved, as if a huge boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I could finally breathe now because I was free. I was free from the horrible relationship that I thought I was going to be in for the rest of my life. I looked in my sent emails and read the email again.

I closed my eyes once again, and sighed once more. I smiled and snuggled myself into my covers again. Eventually I had fallen asleep. The next morning I was awoken by a text by a number that wasn’t saved in my address book. It had the same area code as Autumn’s so I knew that it was her, with her new number.
“I kind of figured that I would look at my email today and have a letter like that. I’m not even going to try to stop you from doing this. I deserve it. You deserve so much better then me. I hope you have a good life Jessica.. I’ll always love you, just so you know. I hope you forget you ever met me so you wont have to remember the horrible memories that I gave you. Sorry for being born. I’ll leave you alone now.” Was what she said. I wasn’t surprised with her choice of words, since I knew she’d probably say something like that. But what did surprise me was that she didn’t try to stop me from breaking up with her whenever in the past she’s begged for hours and hours, calling me crying, texting me back to back trying to keep me from leaving her.
But then again, I guess people chance, especially after reading me telling her that I was beginning to hate her.
I was finally free now. I was away from the girl who ruined and wasted a year and nine months of my life. I don’t have to worry about fighting every single day or crying all of the time. I don’t think there could be a feeling that felt better then being free; free from someone who did nothing but put me down and make me feel like nothing; free from the person who lied to me for a year and half but yet constantly yelled and accused me of lying. I’m finally free, and I’m finally happy.