Whirlwind

When I woke up the next morning, in an unfamiliar bed with a guy whose name I was pretty sure I didn’t know, I felt physically sick for the first time in my life. I knew it was early in the morning, the sun was just barely rising casting a dull orange glow around the room.

Carefully and quietly I crawled out of the bed, thankful that this guy was not a cuddler. My head spun slightly from the alcohol I had consumed as I stumbled around the room, collecting my scattered clothes. When I was dressed, I grabbed my clutch and my heels and tiptoed out of the apartment and went to the elevator. I slipped my shoes on as I waited for it.

When I finally made it to the street I realized that we weren’t far from the club we had gone too. I pulled out my cell phone to try and call a cab since there were none around and saw I had a missed call and a voice mail from Tom.

Despite the pit in my stomach I listened to the message, walking down the street a bit in case the stranger I had just left woke up and decided to see if I had gotten very far.

“I’m very sorry about last night, Sarah,” the message started, Tom’s voice soft in my ear. “I know I walked away from this, but I would still like to talk to you. Call me if you want… or don’t. It’s up to you. I just… You’re an amazing and beautiful woman. I really hope you call back. If not, I understand.”

Without thinking I saved the voicemail before hanging up the phone. After a moment, unsure of what else to do at this moment, I called for a cab and returned to my hotel.

The first thing that I did when I returned to my room is a take a shower; a nice, long, hot shower. I didn’t want to admit it to myself but for once I felt dirty for sleeping with someone that I barely knew. I didn’t even know that guy’s name… Although I’m not sure why that would bother me so much. This wasn’t the first time that I couldn’t remember a guy’s name that I had slept with.

I hated to admit it to myself, but I had sneaking suspicion that the reason I felt so horrible was because I felt bad for how I had treated Tom the night before. He was probably just trying to help, but then there was the whole thing with him not being okay with me going off with a stranger.

Maybe I should talk to him… it seemed like we both needed to sort out our own positions on the situation. Mostly I needed to know if he was developing feelings for me and at least give him the courtesy of a proper goodbye rather than me screaming at him, drunk, in the middle of the night on a random sidewalk. He was too good for that.

After my shower I got dressed and braided my hair before I called Tom back. He agreed to meet me at the pub where we had first met in an hour.

Part of me wished that we could have met a bit sooner, even though an hour wasn’t that long. It just seemed to drag on longer than I would have liked. I fidgeted with my appearance, undoing the braid in my hair before deciding to keep it braided.

When 45 minutes had passed I decided to head over to the pub. It was early afternoon when I arrived so it wasn’t busy. I found a booth in the back corner and sat there. Immediately a waitress came over and asked if I wanted anything but I declined, too nervous to eat or drink anything. I wiped my palms on my pants realizing my hands were a bit on the sweaty side.

Finally Tom arrived and he gave me a small smile when he saw me, which I immediately returned. He sat across from me, his eyes moving across my face. I felt like he could see right through me, and see what I had done. Knew I had slept with that guy after blowing him off.

And for some reason, though I knew I did nothing wrong (it just felt like I had), I burst into tears. I pressed my hands against my face as body shook and I gasped for air. This was going worse than I expected. Tom must have moved to sit next to me, because the next thing I knew I felt a pair of arms wrapping around me.

“It’s fine, Sarah,” he said quietly. “There’s no need to be upset.”

I pushed away from him, sliding over on the bench to put space between Tom and me.

“This isn’t fine though,” I said, trying to keep the volume of my voice down. “I’m nearly hysteric… and why? Because I fucked some guy that wasn’t you?”

I saw the hurt flash across Tom’s eyes as I said it and I shut my eyes so I could get through this and say what I needed to say.

“I told you when this started it couldn’t be a serious thing,” I said.

“Why?” he questioned. “Why are you so opposed to attempting a relationship?”

“It just wouldn’t work,” I answered, opening my eyes to meet his steady gaze.

“And how do you know it wouldn’t work if you’ve never tried?”

“These things just never work out. Relationships are pointless; they’re just going to end at some point and everyone will end up hurt.”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way,” Tom said quietly after a moment. “In my opinion, relationships aren’t pointless. Sure they may not all work out, but you can’t know whether or not it’s going to stick unless you give it a shot. And as for getting hurt, we may not have been in a typical relationship and this may have just been a fling, but it’s obvious to me that right now we’re both hurting. You can avoid relationships all you want, but all it’s going to leave you with is loneliness for the rest of your life. I want to give this a shot, but if it’s something you’re truly not interested in, I’ll leave you alone.”

I sniffled, my head bent as I gazed down at the table. I wiped hastily at my eyes wishing so much that I would stop crying. I had never felt so hurt in my life. But this wasn’t me… this wasn’t who I was. I didn’t let a guy make me feel like utter shit and tear out my heart… My heart shouldn’t even be involved. I shut my eyes tightly to fight off a fresh round of sobs.

“I’m sorry,” I said, quietly, turning away from Tom slightly as I pressed my palms against my eyes. “I can’t do this.”

I heard Tom sigh before sliding out of the booth. When I heard the bell on the door of the pub jingle as it opened and closed, I knew Tom was gone. I let out the sobs I had been holding back even though I was alone in a pub in the middle of the day by myself. I didn’t care anymore.