Paint Yourself a Picture, Something Perfectly Obscure
6
I went to bed and woke up the next day and decided to look for a job, I could stay inside all day looking and I needed a job badly! It got to midday and there was a knock at the door and I opened it to see Jack “Hi” he said and I smiled “Are you up to much?” he asked and I shook my head “Fancy going to get some coffee?” he asked and I looked at the road behind him “Or not” he said and I smiled.
“You can come in if you want?” I offered and he smiled “Sorry but Alex is doing my head in and I can’t stand to hear him moaning anymore!” he said as I walked off and he followed shutting the door. “So you got my message” he said following me to the lounge and I nodded.
“What’ve you been doing then?” he asked and I picked up my laptop “Job searching, but it’s not going so well, I can’t really do much” I admitted. “I could never do a normal job, what are you looking for?” he asked and I shrugged. His phone rang and he answered it and I noticed the tone of his voice change and he stood up walking out the room.
I sat looking through the jobs in the Internet for 20 minutes when I heard the door open and his voice grew distant as he went outside. 10 minutes later and the door shut and he walked back in looking different, he seemed tense as he sat down “Sorry I had to take that” he said and I nodded.
“Do you want to watch some movies or something?” I asked and he nodded so I picked them up handing him some and he shrugged so I put the first Harry Potter on and sat back down. We watched the first 2 without talking and were halfway through the third when Tiger appeared and jumped on Jack curling up on his lap and he started petting her.
“What made you not want to go outside?” he asked, “I was in an accident,” I admitted and he nodded “Arthur said he never came to visit?” he asked and I nodded “In hospital, people weren’t allowed in for 3 months” I stated. “You were there 3 months?” he asked.
“I was in 9 months but the first 3 I was in a coma” I explained, “You do have bad luck,” he stated and I smiled. “I consider it good luck, not everyone was so lucky” I said, “Why?” he asked, “2 people died” I stated and he looked at me “What happened?” he asked.
“We were in a car and a woman on her cell hit us and her and the driver of our car died, the 3 in the back got broken bones and I got broken bones, a head injury and internal bleeding” I explained, “Whoa you are kind of lucky then” he said “Yeah but I suck at calling shotgun” I said and he smiled.
“I just panic now when I see traffic, I wouldn’t leave the house because I was scared it might happen again and it feels safer indoors. It’s stupid I know but I learnt the hard way,” I admitted. “That’s not stupid, it’s fear. Everyone’s scared of something,” he stated watching the film.
“Everyone grew tired of me, my friends gave up on me and my boyfriend didn’t see why I was so worried about things and why I was the way I was and just left,” I explained. “You know if it bothers you talking about it tell me to shut up,” he offered and I shook my head.
Truth was everyone who knew me knew I’d been in an accident, others recognised my name or my face but was never sure where exactly from and some realized straight away. Arthur was just one of many who knew the whole story but never mentioned it, people hinted around the fact but never spoke about it.
Nobody ever asked about it and I’d gotten used to carrying everything around with me in my mind, there was a time when I never wanted to hear anything about it mentioned but that had long since passed.
“Nobody ever really asks, I guess people don’t want me to get upset,” I stated and he nodded “Did you ever go to therapy?” he asked and I nodded slowly “They made me have it at hospital but I didn’t like it, it felt like I was telling some stranger my problems and that they didn’t really care. I was just money to them, I guess that sounds stupid” I said and he shook his head.
“No it makes sense, you know talking about it can help you. Some people don’t like talking about things and others do, if you talk about it might take things from your mind. It sounds like you have a lot on your mind and carrying that sort of thing with you constantly can’t help make you feel any better, well it wouldn’t me” he stated.
“You sound like you know a lot about this whole keeping things to yourself thing” I stated and he nodded “I always got asked that if I could go back in time what would I change about that day and it used to drive me crazy. How is asking me that ever going to help me because I can’t go back in time and change anything about it and if I would I wouldn’t swap it, I wouldn’t make someone else sit where I sat” I admitted.
“Why not?” he asked looking confused “Well I survived but someone else might not have, at least I know I made it through relatively unscathed. I got a few scars and this whole fear thing but I can beat that in time. Someone else might have died, I’d only change not driving on that road or something to try and stop both of them dying” I admitted and he nodded.
“I kind of hate myself for it all if I’m honest, I feel like I’m to blame” I said and he kept quiet which encouraged me to talk more “It’s awful when I think back over it because I remember it all, every second of it seems to be burned in my mind. One minute we were driving down the road with music on and next thing this red car was just right there in front of us, we didn’t have time to swerve or anything. We braked but there was no chance either could have stopped in time but after that I remember nothing, apparently when the cars hit I smashed my head against something and it knocked me out” I said letting my mind go over it.
“I apparently came around at the hospital but they put me in a coma because of my head injury, the woman died as soon as the cars hit but our driver was apparently still alive but out cold like I was. How his family don’t hate me I don’t know” I said and he looked at me “Why?” he asked before looking away and it felt easier to tell him when he wasn’t looking.
“When help got there they made the decision to split up, some checked on the woman while the others came to us. When they realised she was dead they all came to us and they realised the people in the back where basically okay but us 2 in the front weren’t. The medics checked me and had to get one of the people in the back to check the driver because they couldn’t get in to check him because the drivers side was pushed up against some wall” I explained.
“Why’s that your fault?” he asked “Because we were apparently both in the same condition but they made the decision to save me because I was younger and I had a better chance of living” I said “Kind of like irobot?” he asked and I nodded “Kind of” I stated. “But if they could get to you then surely it made sense to save you first?” he asked and I shrugged.
“I guess but if they’d chosen him he might be alive” I said “And you might not be, it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask them to pick you they picked you themselves and it’s their jobs to make them decisions,” he offered. “I don’t think the people I was with ever asked them to pick me, but it just feels like he died for me to live and somehow that’s not fair” I admitted and he nodded.
“Surely if his family don’t hate you then you shouldn’t hate yourself?” he asked “They know everyone did everything to try and save him but he just never responded, he braked and that saved my life. If he’d not done anything we’d have both died, I feel like I owe him something but nothing will ever be big enough” I said and he smiled.
“That you try would surely be enough” he suggested and I nodded “After I came around 3 months later everything was strange, I looked basically like nothing had ever happened because by then all my cuts and bruises had healed only the scars remained and they’re hidden. Outside just became this place that was full of dangerous things and I hid from it all, the people in the car with me I never saw again and the girls I’d known at school came from nowhere to help me out and we’re best friends now but my boyfriend just got frustrated that I wouldn’t go outside, he said if I loved him I’d go outside but I just couldn’t do it and he just left” I explained.
“I guess you’re right, talking about it does make it make more sense, it feels like it’s…” “Not so bad? Like it’s not just your problem anymore?” he asked and I nodded “A problem shared and all that. What would you say to me if it was me that had this problem?” he asked and I thought about it and then it became clear.
“That you can’t change anything about it, they chose you and you never asked for this but that he died for you to live and you should try my best to get on with my life and not let it bother you if only so he never died for no reason” I said and he nodded “See talking does help sometimes, now you know what you have to do, you just have to do it. It won’t be easy but you’ll do it” he stated.
“Why do you know so much about all this stuff?” I asked and he smiled “I’m a pro at therapy, it’s safe to say I’ve shared my fair share of problems” he said and I nodded looking at the movie. “Seeing as we’re sharing, I’ve had therapy for something that was never really the issue. I used to be an alcoholic,” he stated and I stayed quiet.
“You can come in if you want?” I offered and he smiled “Sorry but Alex is doing my head in and I can’t stand to hear him moaning anymore!” he said as I walked off and he followed shutting the door. “So you got my message” he said following me to the lounge and I nodded.
“What’ve you been doing then?” he asked and I picked up my laptop “Job searching, but it’s not going so well, I can’t really do much” I admitted. “I could never do a normal job, what are you looking for?” he asked and I shrugged. His phone rang and he answered it and I noticed the tone of his voice change and he stood up walking out the room.
I sat looking through the jobs in the Internet for 20 minutes when I heard the door open and his voice grew distant as he went outside. 10 minutes later and the door shut and he walked back in looking different, he seemed tense as he sat down “Sorry I had to take that” he said and I nodded.
“Do you want to watch some movies or something?” I asked and he nodded so I picked them up handing him some and he shrugged so I put the first Harry Potter on and sat back down. We watched the first 2 without talking and were halfway through the third when Tiger appeared and jumped on Jack curling up on his lap and he started petting her.
“What made you not want to go outside?” he asked, “I was in an accident,” I admitted and he nodded “Arthur said he never came to visit?” he asked and I nodded “In hospital, people weren’t allowed in for 3 months” I stated. “You were there 3 months?” he asked.
“I was in 9 months but the first 3 I was in a coma” I explained, “You do have bad luck,” he stated and I smiled. “I consider it good luck, not everyone was so lucky” I said, “Why?” he asked, “2 people died” I stated and he looked at me “What happened?” he asked.
“We were in a car and a woman on her cell hit us and her and the driver of our car died, the 3 in the back got broken bones and I got broken bones, a head injury and internal bleeding” I explained, “Whoa you are kind of lucky then” he said “Yeah but I suck at calling shotgun” I said and he smiled.
“I just panic now when I see traffic, I wouldn’t leave the house because I was scared it might happen again and it feels safer indoors. It’s stupid I know but I learnt the hard way,” I admitted. “That’s not stupid, it’s fear. Everyone’s scared of something,” he stated watching the film.
“Everyone grew tired of me, my friends gave up on me and my boyfriend didn’t see why I was so worried about things and why I was the way I was and just left,” I explained. “You know if it bothers you talking about it tell me to shut up,” he offered and I shook my head.
Truth was everyone who knew me knew I’d been in an accident, others recognised my name or my face but was never sure where exactly from and some realized straight away. Arthur was just one of many who knew the whole story but never mentioned it, people hinted around the fact but never spoke about it.
Nobody ever asked about it and I’d gotten used to carrying everything around with me in my mind, there was a time when I never wanted to hear anything about it mentioned but that had long since passed.
“Nobody ever really asks, I guess people don’t want me to get upset,” I stated and he nodded “Did you ever go to therapy?” he asked and I nodded slowly “They made me have it at hospital but I didn’t like it, it felt like I was telling some stranger my problems and that they didn’t really care. I was just money to them, I guess that sounds stupid” I said and he shook his head.
“No it makes sense, you know talking about it can help you. Some people don’t like talking about things and others do, if you talk about it might take things from your mind. It sounds like you have a lot on your mind and carrying that sort of thing with you constantly can’t help make you feel any better, well it wouldn’t me” he stated.
“You sound like you know a lot about this whole keeping things to yourself thing” I stated and he nodded “I always got asked that if I could go back in time what would I change about that day and it used to drive me crazy. How is asking me that ever going to help me because I can’t go back in time and change anything about it and if I would I wouldn’t swap it, I wouldn’t make someone else sit where I sat” I admitted.
“Why not?” he asked looking confused “Well I survived but someone else might not have, at least I know I made it through relatively unscathed. I got a few scars and this whole fear thing but I can beat that in time. Someone else might have died, I’d only change not driving on that road or something to try and stop both of them dying” I admitted and he nodded.
“I kind of hate myself for it all if I’m honest, I feel like I’m to blame” I said and he kept quiet which encouraged me to talk more “It’s awful when I think back over it because I remember it all, every second of it seems to be burned in my mind. One minute we were driving down the road with music on and next thing this red car was just right there in front of us, we didn’t have time to swerve or anything. We braked but there was no chance either could have stopped in time but after that I remember nothing, apparently when the cars hit I smashed my head against something and it knocked me out” I said letting my mind go over it.
“I apparently came around at the hospital but they put me in a coma because of my head injury, the woman died as soon as the cars hit but our driver was apparently still alive but out cold like I was. How his family don’t hate me I don’t know” I said and he looked at me “Why?” he asked before looking away and it felt easier to tell him when he wasn’t looking.
“When help got there they made the decision to split up, some checked on the woman while the others came to us. When they realised she was dead they all came to us and they realised the people in the back where basically okay but us 2 in the front weren’t. The medics checked me and had to get one of the people in the back to check the driver because they couldn’t get in to check him because the drivers side was pushed up against some wall” I explained.
“Why’s that your fault?” he asked “Because we were apparently both in the same condition but they made the decision to save me because I was younger and I had a better chance of living” I said “Kind of like irobot?” he asked and I nodded “Kind of” I stated. “But if they could get to you then surely it made sense to save you first?” he asked and I shrugged.
“I guess but if they’d chosen him he might be alive” I said “And you might not be, it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask them to pick you they picked you themselves and it’s their jobs to make them decisions,” he offered. “I don’t think the people I was with ever asked them to pick me, but it just feels like he died for me to live and somehow that’s not fair” I admitted and he nodded.
“Surely if his family don’t hate you then you shouldn’t hate yourself?” he asked “They know everyone did everything to try and save him but he just never responded, he braked and that saved my life. If he’d not done anything we’d have both died, I feel like I owe him something but nothing will ever be big enough” I said and he smiled.
“That you try would surely be enough” he suggested and I nodded “After I came around 3 months later everything was strange, I looked basically like nothing had ever happened because by then all my cuts and bruises had healed only the scars remained and they’re hidden. Outside just became this place that was full of dangerous things and I hid from it all, the people in the car with me I never saw again and the girls I’d known at school came from nowhere to help me out and we’re best friends now but my boyfriend just got frustrated that I wouldn’t go outside, he said if I loved him I’d go outside but I just couldn’t do it and he just left” I explained.
“I guess you’re right, talking about it does make it make more sense, it feels like it’s…” “Not so bad? Like it’s not just your problem anymore?” he asked and I nodded “A problem shared and all that. What would you say to me if it was me that had this problem?” he asked and I thought about it and then it became clear.
“That you can’t change anything about it, they chose you and you never asked for this but that he died for you to live and you should try my best to get on with my life and not let it bother you if only so he never died for no reason” I said and he nodded “See talking does help sometimes, now you know what you have to do, you just have to do it. It won’t be easy but you’ll do it” he stated.
“Why do you know so much about all this stuff?” I asked and he smiled “I’m a pro at therapy, it’s safe to say I’ve shared my fair share of problems” he said and I nodded looking at the movie. “Seeing as we’re sharing, I’ve had therapy for something that was never really the issue. I used to be an alcoholic,” he stated and I stayed quiet.