Fireworks

2009

“You are just an asshole who needs to see that there are other people in the world and news flash, you aren’t the fucking sun!”

“Well you are just a bitch who doesn’t know something good when she has it and always need some type of drama floating around! Not to mention a slut that can’t keep her legs closed.”

“Well if I’m such a bitch Josh, then maybe you should just leave!”

“You know what, that sounds like a great idea. I’m done.” Josh was almost out the door when he turned around to say “And fuck you Alaina,” before slamming the door shut. I slid down the wall that I was leaning on and finally let the tears spill that had been threatening to fall throughout the whole fight. I had screwed Josh over and completely ruined our relationship. I know I did, and I only had myself to blame. Josh had never done anything wrong and certainly didn’t deserve anything that I had said or done to him.

My sitting position had changed to laying on the floor and drifting off to sleep while still crying. I heard the door quietly open and someone take off their shoes and sigh before silently padding over to me and picking me up. I was laid on a bed and soon felt the other person also hop in.

“I’m still hurt, and angry, and just completely heartbroken, but I still can’t stay away.” I sighed and opened my eyes to look at the ceiling.

“I know Josh, I-”

“Maybe we should just stop this Alaina. I know you’re sorry, but it just seems like we go through the same cycles all the time. You cheat, I forgive you, and then we are okay for a couple of months until I go off on tour and you get lonely again. I’m sorry, I thought we were so right for each other but I can’t do this anymore. The constant fighting and cheating is making me insane.” Josh cut me off before I could even get my thoughts out. “I love you, but I don’t know who you are anymore.” He whispered the last part, his voice faltering which could only mean he was choking back tears. The tears creeped up again and I couldn’t help but look over at him. He heard the motion and turned to face me and the second our eyes met, my tears were rapidly falling. I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn’t even form words

“You’re better off without me anyway Alaina. I mean we haven’t been the same since I started touring internationally. You need someone who can be there for you, and although I love you, I can’t keep hearing your sorry apologies and taking you back. It’s not healthy for me.”

“Josh, please don’t do this, I can’t, I don’t...” I didn’t even know what say and started to cry even harder than I had all day. I soon felt Josh’s arms wrap around my body and my body racked with sobs and I found it hard to breathe. He silently told me to calm down and soon had me drifting off to sleep with tears still escpaing my eyes.

When I woke up next morning, I noticed many things that were different. For one, Josh was no longer in bed, and nothing of his was to be found. Half the closet was now empty, dresser drawers were opened and emptied, and the second bathroom sink was surrounded by only countertop. By the time I made it to the living room and kitchen I was on the verge of a breakdown. He had really meant it this time, he had really left me for good. I snifled and reached up to wipe the tears that I hadn’t realized I shed. On the counter there was a piece of white paper folded up. As I got closer I saw that it had my named on the front of it in Josh’s handwriting.

Alaina, I’m sorry it ended like this, but I couldn’t look into those beautiful eyes and stay. So this is the end of you and me because I’m setting you free to be that beautiful butterfly you are. I need to do this because it isn’t healthy for me. Call me selfish, and although I do feel a bit, I just don’t know who I am when you do this to me. I don’t know you are when you sleep with him. I love you always.
Josh

There were teardrops all over the paper when I had finished reading. He could have at least said goodbye, but I probably didn’t deserve that. I never even deserved Josh, and I threw it away. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number, only to find that he had changed his number. Josh was out of my life, and all I had left were memories and the sweatshirt of his I was wearing.

2011

After almost two years, I had managed to work up the courage to finally see Josh again. I know the band had stuck together, so I looked to see if they were on tour, ready to hop on a plane to get to their closest show. Sure enough, they were playing that night about thirty minutes away. Quickly ordering the ticket, I logged off my computer and ran to my car, ready to go pick up the tickets at the box office. The show was starting in a couple of minutes, so I would probably miss the opening band, but I wasn’t there for the show, I was there for Josh.

Two years without hearing his voice or seeing his face. Did he push thoughts of me out of his head, as I did with him? Or was I forgotten? He certainly wasn’t, and I couldn’t take not seeing him anymore, two years was enough time away. When Josh left, I had lost some of my chubby weight and my hair had grown long when I didn’t see the point in cutting it short as Josh had liked.

After parking a couple of blocks away, I ran to the box office as fast as I could while avoiding traffic. Looking at my phone quickly, I noted that the drive had taken longer than expected and the show had started nearly an hour ago. Picking up the pace, I had finally reached the box office and greeted the worker through gasping for air. Smoking had become a bad habit in the past couple of years, and I could feel the effects on me.

“Hi, I’m here to pick up a ticket. Alaina De Luca?” I asked, trying to make this process go by as quickly as possible. I snatched the ticket from the worker’s hands and quickly turned on my heel to walk toward the venue doors.

“Oi, you there lass!” I heard someone call from my left as soon as my fingers had touched the handle of the door. I groaned, knowing that whomever this was, that they were talking to me because I was the only person out here. I turned towards the voice and froze. Josh’s best friend was walking toward me and I had nowhere to run. I quickly looked at the door and bit my lip before looking back at Max.

Quickly making the decision, I decided to dart in the door, and got lost in the crowd before Max could find me. I heard some fangirls scream as they saw Max run into the door from behind me. The band that was currently playing joked around that Max was stealing their spotlight and Max then smiled and walked back outside with a couple of girls following him. I sighed and moved more towards the back of the crowd that was spread out. I waited a couple of minutes and the current and said their goodbyes and the crew ran on stage to allow the last band to setup their instruments. I ran off to the bathroom to collect myself. As soon as I had opened the door, I saw plenty of girls crowded in front of the mirrors so I dashed in a stall, hoping that the bathrooms were kept clean here.

Josh had been the only guy that I had ever loved, and I had taken him for granted. I sat in the bathroom for what seemed like seconds, but turned out to be twenty minutes. I no longer had any concept of time when Josh was on my mind. I walked out of the stall to see that there was no one else in the bathroom and avoided all mirrors to keep from seeing what a mess I was. As I opened the bathroom door, I felt the cool air hit part o my arm and looked down at the worn grey sweatshirt that had a small hole under the arm sleeve, the same sweatshirt that used to smell like Josh, but had now become dull with my scent. I saw a couple of people look towards me when the sudden light flashed through the dark venue before I heard a loud voice.

“So as I was saying before that lass opened the loo door, we are slowing it down a bit, and if you don’t want to, then that is terribly terrible for you.” He chuckled a bit at the end, and before I even looked, I knew he had that smirk on his face. I swallowed the lump in my throat and walked away from the bathroom with my head down, preparing myself to see the only guy I had ever loved. The guitar started a slow and steady beat and I heard it falter before Josh said something else into the microphone.

“Oi, bird from the loo, lookout for the lad you are about to run over!” He exclaimed and I looked up towards him, meeting his piercing blue eyes. He froze and so did I, feeling a whirl of emotions flash through my body. The music started up again and our gaze didn’t break until he started singing.

So this is the end of you and me
We had a good run and I'm setting you free
To do as you want, to do as you please
Without me

Within the first verse, I knew exactly what feelings this song was about, but did his fans?

Remember when you were my boat and I was your sea?
Together we'd float so delicately
But that was back when we could talk about anything

I shut my eyes tight and stood there for a second, looking up at Josh again to see his gaze still locked on me wherever he moved on the stage.

'Cause I don't know who I am
When you're running circles in my head
And I don't know just who you are
When you're sleeping in someone else's bed

I could see his eyes glazing over with tears at this point and my own tears had started a steady stream long ago. He was still hurt, and I understood that.

Three whole words and eight letters late
And that would have worked on me yesterday
We're not the same, I wish that could change
But it can't

He started to move off of stage and motioned for the security guards to let him through the barricades. My emotions were on overdrive and my eyes were blurred, but I couldn’t look away from the most perfect thing I had experienced in my life.

And I'll say your name and in the same breath
I'll say something that I'll grow to regret
So keep your hands on your chest and sing with me
That we don't wanna believe

He motioned his fist to his chest and he walked slowly through the crowd as he focused on his steady voice and emotions,

'Cause I don't know who I am
When you're running circles in my head
And I don't know just who you are
When you're sleeping in someone else's bed

He was approaching at the same pace, but he was closing in on me even more now. Almost inches away and when the instrumental started and I heard his intake of breath, not from the microphone, but from in front of me, I couldn’t control my sobs.

So it's true what they say
If you love someone, you should set them free

I could see at this point that he had also had a steady stream of tears down his face also. I cried even more, knowing I had hurt this man that had been so good to me

Oh, it's true what they say
When you throw it away

He had returned to the crowd before turning around to me and singing once more.

I don't know who you are
I don't know who you are

Oh, 'cause I don't know who you are
When you sleep with somebody else
'Cause I don't know who I am
When you're sleepin' with him

I had walked to the door at this point and turned around one last time to look at Josh before I planned to walk out of his life.

It's true what they say when you throw it away

With that I walked outside and started to walk away from the venue, sobs coming out with tears. It was even colder out now then it was before and I wrapped my arms around my tiny frame and decided I couldn’t keep walking like this. I could even see through the water in my eyes and was far too upset to drive. I sat on the corner of the venue wall and literally broke down. I heard the door slam shut from what seemed like a mile away before I was pulled up and into a hug. Familiar lips soon found mine and I savored the moment. The kiss stopped and I looked up into eyes of an angel.

“I’ve been waiting for years just to see your face again. Every show, hoping you would show up, just to see how I was, or maybe even hate me. Yet you show up here, in that bloody sweatshirt of all things and waltz in on your song. What took you so long love?” I smiled sadly and cried again, this time the tears being a mix of emotions of sadness and happiness.