Say That You Love Me

What? ...Did he just...Am I hearing this right? He loves me. Me. Emily Miller. Me. Son of a bitch. I watched Sid's face over the next few awkward moments, with neither of saying anything and as each second crept on, the look on his face changed and suddenly it looked like he regretted saying it, but in all reality, it seemed to me like it slipped out but he had been holding it in for sometime now.

"I guess I shouldn't have said that," Sid whispered, putting his head in his hands.

"What... what did you say?" I had heard him, but I wanted to make sure it was what I heard. "You didn't... I mean, Sidney... what?"

"I said I love you," He huffed, sitting down cross legged and staring up at me. Oh...My...God. He reached for one of my hands when I quickly squirmed away from him towards the head of the bed, and immediately saw the hurt expression on his face.

"No," I didn't want him to touch me. Not until he had given me a proper explanation. "Just... No," He moved towards where I was and I again moved further away. "What?"

"Emily, I think you fucking heard me both times, I am not going to repeat myself again," I put my hand to my forehead. He sat barely on the end of the bed and I moved again to the end.

"Love?" I asked in a voice barely above a whisper. He had to be nuts.

"Yeah, I'm so sorry that it's something you didn't want to hear," He spoke in a low voice. I watched a frown appear on his lips.

"I didn't say that... I just..." I looked him, catching him looking me straight in the eyes. "Why?... How? I need you to explain this to me, because I don't really understand,"

"I just... fuck, I love you..." He turned his glance towards his lap. He had jeans on and one sock sitting on his foot. "I do,"

"Seriously?" I felt a little feeling of hopefulness appear in the pit of my stomach. I always wanted to be loved and Sidney just meant so much to me. But I didn't want him to just... say it. If he only said it, and didn't mean it, I would be absolutely
heartbroken. I just really needed him to explain.

"Yeah, Emily, I've been thinking about it for a while now and it just all makes sense now. I do... Em, I love you," I couldn't fucking believe it. "You're my best friend. I mean, you are the only person I know I can talk to about anything and to be quite honest, it's something I've never had with any other girl before. I love being with you. You are just so beautiful and amazing and I want to be with you all the time," He took a breath and looked me in the eyes. He was nervous that was for sure.

"Sidney," I started, holding my hand up. "It doesn't have to be love. It could be... you know... not love?"

"It is love," He sighed. "I know it is,"

"How are you so sure?" I asked him. "It could just be lust. I mean, honestly, Sid all we do is make out and have sex anyways,"

"Em, that's not true," He said. "We talk, we hang out. You're like part of my team; the guys all love you and think you're the best thing ever for me. And besides, we haven't had sex for like a week,"

"I know," I sighed. "I just need some kind of... explanation?"
Sid's features tightened. "And geez Em, the one I'm giving you isn't good enough?" He asked me and I saw his face fall.

"No," I said truthfully and sighed. "No it's not," I knew Sid and I were close from like day one of our relationship and that everything seemed to move fast, but he couldn't love me.

Sid started to crawl over towards me. "No, don't," I still didn't want him to touch me.

"If this was just lust, if it was, I wouldn't be feeling this way," He put his hands in a fist and laid them on the bed. "I will be straight up blunt with you, when I say yeah, I had a lot of lust feelings towards you in the beginning," I tried to hide the little smile. "But you can't blame me, can you? Look at you. You are beautiful and probably any guys wet fantasy, so..."

"Sidney," I said, shaking my head.

"What? It's true," He sighed. "But this feeling that I have is a lot deeper than that. I'm not just saying this. I'm not trying to fool you,"

"I don't believe you are, but maybe the feelings that you have are fooling you... I... why would you love me? I'm nothing,"

He abruptly glared at me. "Emily, you are not nothing; you make me happy," He said seriously and looked me straight in the eyes. "I was about to give up on a relationship until you showed up and it's thanks to you I feel happy again and you accept me as the dork I really am,"

"You're not a dork," I spoke softly.

He reached for my hand but thought against it and let it drop to the bed. "You're the first girl that can tell me that with a straight face," He smiled, but I didn't smile back. "Look, I can be completely myself with you and you put a smile on my face. I love being with you and there is nothing I don't love about you,"

"Whatever," I said sarcastically and looked away from him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asked me. "I thought you'd be happy,"

"It's not that," I said, sighing and put my hand over my forehead as I let out a deep breath. "I'm sorry Sidney,"

"Why won't you believe me?"

"Do you honestly blame me for feeling like this?" I asked him and looked up at him slowly and felt tears gathering in my eyes. "My Dad was never around when I was little, my Mom was to busy with her shit, then you wonder why I left Sweden at 15. The only ones who said they loved me have been horny fucking boys who were hoping to get a piece,"

"Emily, I am not just a horny boy," Involuntarily I raised my eyebrows. "You know what I mean. I don't need to use that as a line to get you, Emily. This is different."

"Sid-" I said, sighing, but he interrupted.

"Look," He cut me off and sighed. "If you're not going to believe me, then I don't want to talk about this anymore," I frowned. "I don't know if you realize it, but this is the first time I've ever told a girl outside my family that I love them and really mean it and I'm trying to tell you that and you're trying to work against me and you're not believing me,"

"I'm sorry," I spoke as tears rolled down my cheeks. "Just understand where I'm coming from. I don't mean to make you upset or feel like I'm working against you; it's that I like you so much and if you don't mean it... I'm just scared you'll say it and not really mean it,"

"What will this take for you to believe that I actually do mean it?"

"I don't know, Sidney," I said in a low voice. He nodded and looked at the floor. "How did you... I mean, when did..." Sidney slowly looked up at me. "How... did the feeling... when did you know?"

"Oh, it was ugh, the last time I was at your house, not when I got drunk but when I flew in for overnight, between games. I don't know, we had dinner and it was after we had sex-" I looked at him with a not pleased look on my face. "It's not lust! It was after when I was holding you in my arms and you were slowly starting to fall asleep. I could just name the feeling I'd been having in the pit of my stomach, honestly it scared the shit out of me, but I've been thinking about it and now I'm not scared," He smiled. "I love you, I do, I love you Emily,"

"I'm sorry," I whispered and got tears in my eyes. Holy shit... he loved me! Sidney actually loved me!

"Are you okay?" Sidney asked when he saw my tear filled eyes. This time I let him come close and take my hand in his.

"Yes," I took in a deep breath. "It's just... overwhelming. No one has ever said that and meant it before... so,"

"Emily," He chuckled and quickly pulled me onto his lap as he wrapped me up in his arms. "I do love you, I do," I put my head on his shoulder. "But Emily," I lightly lifted my head off his shoulder. There was a but... I didn't like the sounds of it already. "If you don't love me back, it's fine, I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me you love me if you don't,"

I sighed, playing nervously with my hair. I guess it would be awkward to tell Sidney I loved him... when I wasn't sure myself. And on top of that, I was plotting to leave in less than ten days for Sweden and never come back. I was royally fucked. "I don't want you to feel bad," Usually in the movies when a guy tells his girlfriend he loves her, she doesn't question him on it, bawl like a baby and then doesn't say shit back, usually she cries in his arms and screams how she loves him over and over again.

"Believe me, Emily, I'd feel worse if you said you loved me and didn't mean it," He sighed, pressing his lips against my forehead. I started to feel really bad because he plucked up the courage and not only told me, but convinced me and now I didn't know what to say. "Even if you don't, my feelings won’t change,"

"Can we just drop this, please?" I climbed out of his lap and sat on the end of the bed. It seemed worse that he was telling me he wouldn't feel different about me if I didn't ever love him back. What if I never did? What would happen then?

"Emily, are you okay?" Sid's voice whispered from behind me. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it, then we wont, I can't force you to love me back," I cried into my hands. Why did he have to do this? Why? Why now? "We'll just drop it,"

"I want to love you," I moved my eyes from my hands to connect with his. He was in half position, half on the bed, half off with a dropped open jaw. "I do, Sidney, believe me. You mean the entire world to me, but I don't know if I love you and I don't want to hurt you because I can't say it back and I don't want to be dishonest,"

He held me in his arms again. "Emily, it's going be okay," He held me tightly. I turned and flung my arms around his neck as he patted my hair. "Just don't say it because you think it's what I want to hear," He whispered. "Say it because you mean it,"

"I don't want to hurt you," I repeated myself.

"It's not going to hurt me,"

"How can it not?" I pulled from him and wiped under my eyes. "You told me you love me, you explained it to me and I can't say it back. How are you not pissed?"

He shrugged. "Because I love you; that's why," He climbed off the bed and grabbed his other sock as he pulled it on his foot. "Now let's just drop this and go do something," He grabbed his ball cap off his hockey bag and slipped it over his head.

"Okay," I took his outstretched hand and he led me down the stairs. I wasn't sure this was the end of it. I wanted to love him, but I wasn't sure if I did.
- - - -
"How Flower even knew you were here, still stumps me!" Sid smiled, dragging me through the The Ritz cafe, where we were meeting Gemma and Flower for a double dinner date. Not even five minutes into the first round of NHL 09 between Sid and TK, his phone went off with a text message from Flower telling us to meet him and Gemma at the Ritz for 5, we were having dinner.
We spotted them sitting at the back of the resteraunt, in the VIP section dressed to the nines. Gemmas soft brown hair was curled and her bangs pinned to the side by a flowery clip, rose lip gloss covered her heart shaped lips and soft eye makeup circled her mossy green eyes. She had on a simple floral print dress, that had thin straps and came to mid-thigh. Flower was wearing a blue dress shirt and grey suit pants.

Sid and I however, we were just a little more casual. I had on a white strapless bubble puff dress that didn't go up when I twirled. It had lacy black accents at the bottom and across the bust. My hair was in curls and my regular makeup was on. Sid was wearing a grey polo and blue jeans. I made him un tuck his shirt, because he looked like a dumbass with it tucked in.

"Sid, Em," Flower greeted us as him and Gemma stood from their chairs. We hugged eachother when we made it up to the table. We took our chairs as the waiter came over, setting down glasses of water for Sid and I and handing us menus. Sid said he was set and so we just ordered. I got a plate of veggie sushi and Sid and Flower both ordered roast beef sandwiches.

Gemma was complicated. She spent what felt like twenty minutes decided over what to get, the soup or a salad. In the end, she got soup.

We had small talk before our food arrived and once it was there, everyone was busy stuffing their faces. I had a piece of sushi in my mouth when Gemma started laughing at Flower with the ketchup all over his face. "God, I hope our kids aren't this messy," She giggled, wiping his chin off with her napkin. He simply laughed it off and continued eating.

Gemma rolled her eyes and faced me. "I bet you and Sid are anxious to start your little family," She patted Sid's hand when he started choking on his sandwich. I patted his back lightly, because I knew if you patted a persons back to roughly when they were choking it could push the piece of food down further. "I hate to be so forward, but I think you guys would make epic parents," Sid downed his water before giving off a loud, obnoxious cough into the air.

"If we ever do have kids, Gem, I definitely want a boy," Sid shared, startling me. "You know, someone to teach hockey to and take under my wing, teach all my knowledge too,"

"That'll be a short lesson," Flower mumbled behind his sandwich. I watched Gemma reach over and jab him in the side with her elbow before turning back to Sid.

"Sorry sweetie, you were saying," She egged on Sid to continue. I wanted Sid to continue. Where the hell was this coming from?

"I was pretty much done," He glared at Flower before looking over at me. "But basically, yeah, I mean, a son would be epic just to teach hockey to,"

"What about if we have a little girl? Are you going to teach her?" I smiled, patting Sid's hand where it was wrapped around his water glass.

His face went white. "No way Emily, my daughter will not be playing hockey, she'll get hurt," He rolled his eyes. "But I do want a boy first, so he can protect her and there has to be a definite age gap," From the sounds of it, he had his mind made up and nothing was going to change it.

"But, if we do wait ten years, Sid, that wont be good for your age gap," There was no way in hell I'd be popping out a kid at like 30 and then another at like 36, no way. I couldn't do it. 30 is pushing it.

Flower spit his water out and started laughing. "You guys are waiting ten years to have kids? Are you serious?" He laughed. Sid raised an eyebrow and I smiled, seeing if I could make Flower persuade Sid to move it up a few years. Gemma smacked his shoulder.

"Marc, that's their decision, I mean... she's only 19, she should wait for a little bit,"

"Uhm, I'm 17," I cleared up for her. Flower was 25 and Gemma was 24 and Sid just turned 23 in August.

"Sorry dear, 17..." Suddenly her face went white and she turned to face me. "You are 17 and he's 23, uhm... isn't that statutory rape?" She glanced over at Sid. "Until she is 18, you don't say shit about having sex with her,"

"Well this conversation has been sufficiently awkward," Sid's cheeks went red as he put his head in his hands. "I was not planning on talking about sex with my girlfriend when I'm out to dinner with my friends..." I rested my head on his shoulder, taking in the smell of his shampoo and his cologne.

"New topic!" Flower startled us and we both looked over at him. Sid cut him off before he got his sentence out.

"I just don't want kids right now, I mean... as Gemma kindly pointed out, you're only 17, it's kind of illegal," He frowned. "I mean, if you really were pregnant, I don't know what I'd do. Thank god that was just a spoof," I turned away from him towards my sushi. "I'm definitely being more careful next time,"

I smiled. "Yeah, the doctor put me on a new birth control,"

Gemma cleared her throat, gathering all our attention. "I'm uhm, off my birth control. I'm trying to get pregnant," WHAT!

Flower dropped his fork and stared over at her. "What? Are you fucking high? We're not even married! What's wrong with you?"

She simply rolled her eyes. "We're engaged, chill out," Suddenly out of nowhere, they both started arguing. Apparently she'd been off her 'birth control' for over a month, without telling him and they'd done it a few times without protection.

I ignored them and turned to Sid, who was shaking his head. "I can smell your influence," I had a feeling Flower and Sid had a few talks about kids and it got into Flowers head that they had to be married to have kids. You don't have to be, I know perfectly happy people who aren't married, but have been together for as long as I've known them.