We Hide and We Seek

“Kara, you look fine!”

“No, I don't!” she screams at me, slamming the bathroom door in my face. The lock clicks. I bang on it, holding my junk because I'm desperate for the damn toilet, but she doesn't let up. She's throwing around toiletries in there, by the sound of it, but I don't even give a shit. I jut need to piss. “I look horrible! I can tell! And you think I look horrible. Or you'd say I look beautiful, you used to-”

“You're being ridiculous-”

“No, I'm not! What the fuck is 'fine' anyway?”

“For God-sake, I don't have time for this, Kara! Fine is how you fucking look!” I shout. “You. Look. Fine. And if you would stop fucking attention-seeking--”

“Attention-seeking? You-- you fucking asshole!”My heart drops as I hear her sobs begin.

I am a fucking asshole.

“Shit- Kara?” She doesn't answer. My forehead falls against the bathroom door as I sigh, closing my tired eyes. “Kara... Baby, I'm so sorry--”

“Get-” she hiccups in between her cries now, and I can almost see her wipe her own wet cheeks and eyes with both hands in a futile attempt to dry them. “Get out. Go away.”

“No. I won't leave until you forgive me. And not only because I'm so desperate to piss that one step could result in puddles on the carpet.” I think I hear a small laugh, but it could easily have been a sniff and a sarcastic snort. “Kara, I'm an idiot. I'm tired, and I'm stressed, trying to make money for you and I, you know? But that's no excuse to take it out on you. You're beautiful. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot, and you're beautiful.”

I'm still, listening out for a reply, and hear nothing but the occasional sniff. It is a good sign, and sure enough, moments later, the lock turns. The bathroom door opens to Kara's ashen face, expression grave, but for the little smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She's still holding her stomach, her insecurity painfully obvious, and I feel even worse. “On a scale of ugly to Charlize Theron?” she asks quietly.

“Mila Kunis.”

“A very good answer,” says Kara, her smile widening considerably as she takes a step forward. My arms immediately wrap around her waist, and it's so familiar, so natural. It's a second nature. Kara is a second nature, to me. All I've known, almost four years of this; her chest touching mine like so as we hug, pressing into me and feeling so good under my own hands, which take no time in slipping under her thin, pink pyjama top. Her nose rubbing faintly in that spot between my jaw and neck, a silent request for our lips to meet. The little gasp that still, to this day, leaves her mouth when they do. A hand grabbing at my back, squeezing at the muscle there, another sneaking up my bare chest, around my neck and into my hair.

“Sorry I'm such a mental case,” she whispers as our lips part, something she's said a million times.

So familiar--

I pull myself away completely, diverting my eyes when I see Kara's opening; it's only then that I realise I hadn't really closed mine.

“Uh, the toilet...?” I offer a sheepish grin.

“Oh, yeah. Of course.” She kisses my cheek quickly with a gentle smile before releasing me from her grip. “I love you, Chase.”

I'm hurrying to the toilet too quickly to reply, but when I'm done, she's gone, and I don't know how I'd have said it anyway. It's been said too many times, I feel like there needs to be something more. There needs to be a step beyond I Love You, but I'm not sure that there is.



“Jason?” I look up from the magazine I'm skimming through as Rhianne walks through the kitchen door. “Oh, thank God. You weren't in your room when I checked, thought you'd run off. What are you doing so early in the morning?”

It's 5am. I wipe my watery eyes and fake a yawn, glad she, herself, is too tired to notice red eyes and bags announcing sleeplessness. “Gabriel's clothing for the birthday party today; they didn't wash well yesterday so I rewashed them last night and then had to put them in the dryer this morning. Just waiting so I can iron them before he wakes up. If...is that okay?” She freezes in the middle of the kitchen and turns to me. “Uh, I know it's using up energy to do an extra wash but... Um... ¿Está bien? _{Is that okay?}”

Rhianne blinks at me for a moment, then shakes her head and goes to put the kettle on. “Yes, yes, si. Wow. I cannot even imagine what Peter and I did with the twins before you arrived, and you've only been here a week.”

I smile faintly as I return to a vaguely interesting article. She's right. It's only been a week, yet I miss my family back home in Spain to the point where it's almost painful. The honest truth is that I've found it difficult to sleep every single night that I've been here so far. It just so happens that this morning I just couldn't stay in bed and decided to be productive instead.

When the idea of being an au pair in England for the summer came to me, it had seemed perfect. I've wanted to save some money for a while now, in the hopes of being able to afford an University over here. After managing to sort it out mid-last year I was unbelievably excited, but being here- on English soil- is a completely different thing.

The family is nice; Rhianne and Peter Shear are lovely people, and their children, Megan and Gabriel, aren't even badly behaved, which had previously been my biggest fear. I'm only really helping take care of the kids because of their parents' busy jobs. I love kids. I generally get on with most people too, so I hadn't really been worried about not getting on with those here. My greatest challenge now is actually the fact that I have to deal with not seeing my family and friends properly for six weeks. I've never been away from them for even close to that, and Skype just isn't the same.

The funny thing is, I really thought I could make it. Thought I was a “Big boy”, but if I could crawl home now, tail between my legs, I would.

“Would you like some coffee?”

“Uh, the Irish Cream Cappuccino you gave me yesterday would be really nice, thanks.”

“No problem at all, love. Are you positive you know the bus route you need to take today?”

“Yes, Rhianne,” I grin at her. She'd given me a route timetable when I'd first arrived, and I'd already read it through twice during a particularly boring night where sleep had rejected me. “You've asked this already.”

She laughs and shakes her head; “Good, good. Brilliant.” And then she goes about making our coffees.



I pull a face at Rhianne and she frowns at me. She snaps her thumb and middle finger together before pointing a manicured index in my face. “It did happen again, didn't it?” she prods literally.

“Well, yeah,” I allow. “But then we made up again.”

I roll my eyes at the pity that fills her eyes as she watches me and lets her hand drop. “Sounds too much like an unhappy relationship, Chase.”

“It's just because of what happened, Rhi,” I protest quickly, shifting a little, as if it will keep her eyes off me. “You know that.” But she's only saying aloud what I'm thinking inside. Kara and I have been much too unhappy as of late, and though I know the stresses of what happened play a big part in the holes our relationship currently has in it, but I don't see a way to patch it up at all in the near future.

“Okay! Okay, I can't live your life for you, Chase. I just don't want you to get hurt, you know that.”

I sigh, “Yeah, I do.” Rhi is my older sister and has looked out for me for as long as I can remember. I know she doesn't want to hurt me, thus meaning that what she's telling me is true... but that's what I can't come to terms with. Kara and I don't have an unhappy relationship, we're just unhappy people. We've been dealt bad cards, is all.

“Mm.” Rhi quirks a corner of her lips up at me and cocks her head to the side. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Fine. Seriously.”

“Good.” She nods her head. “So, you can get the latest customer data sent to either Peter or I before tonight? He's travelling to Dubai at ten but he's already left to have a meeting with the accountant. If you can't email it before ten, send it to me and I'll get it to him later.”

“Yep, that's cool. It's already almost done.”

“Good! Thanks Chase.” I smirk and stretch as Rhianne pulls the latest iPhone out of her blazer pocket and starts sifting through something or other. “We-ell,” she says after seemingly checking through her mail, calender, messages and whatever else she keeps in there, “I think I'll be going now. Where is your darling anyway?”

“Jogging. It's getting worse.” Another sympathetic face is aimed my way, and I sigh even heavier than before and lean against the kitchen counter of the flat I rented out with Kara a year ago. A year ago when everything had a plan, and everything was running smoothly. There wasn't a blemish in our Da Vinci-worthy sky. Everything had been perfect. But everything can change in a year, I suppose. “Ugh, man. I really don't know what to do, Rhi. I'm going mad here.”

“I'd love to help your sorry ass, but I've got a meeting in town myself in--” a glance at her Gucci watch, “Shit! Fuckballs; thirty minutes. Dammit. I'm late. But why don't you pop over to the house?”

“...I don't think I can do that, Rhi. You know that Ka--”

“I'll hear none of that bull, Chase! I need you to help the au pair (remember Jason? Arrived last week? You made a fool of yourself?) with the bus routes anyway. That way you can get out of this flat and have some time to think, right?” Rhi stands straight and fluffs her hair before digging into her handbag for her car keys. I follow her out as she totters on chic high heels, blonde hair blowing only slightly in the wind.

“You're beautiful, you know that?”

My older sister stops abruptly by her car and turns to me, amused. “You're an idiot. That's what was so hard to say to your girlfriend?” I shrug with another depressed sigh, and Rhianne rolls her eyes. “My house. Now. Okay, emo boy? I'll make sure to ask Jason if you went or not, so you can't fool me. And hurry because the twins have a birthday party in two hours but they've been wanting to see their uncle, for a reason unbeknownst to me.”

I grin. My niece and nephew are definite perks in my life right now. Running a hand though my recently trimmed hair, I agree reluctantly. “Alright. I promise; I'll go, RhiRhi.”

Rhianne winces and flashes me her middle finger as she opens and steps into her car, which reminds me a lot of her younger self; the more relaxed Rhianne. The one who wanted to be the modern Cindy Lauper when she grew up, not the incredibly successful businesswoman I see before my eyes. I don't turn around until I can't see Rhianne's sleek, black Merc disappear 'round the bend, and when I do I'm squeezing my eyes shut, trying to breathe.

It didn't used to be this way. I'm falling a little apart, and I need to get away.



“¡Papa! ¿Qué pasa? ¿Cómo está usted? _{Dad! What's happening? How are you?}”

“¡Buenas tardes! _{Good afternoon!}” My father chuckles, and it's the best thing. It's familiar. It's all I want right now. “Jason, ¡Hijo mío! _{my son} You're in Britain, sí? Speak English to me!” I can't even speak. I can feel myself snuggling deeper into Rhianne's sofa and bringing my laptop closer. The webcam picture isn't great at all, but I can still see his dark skin well enough, his happy eyes, decorated with deep crinkles, and that wide, omnipresent smile. Tears have sprung already and my father notices. “Tears? So soon?” His voice is softer, but it only makes it worse.

It's our first video call. I'd phoned before, on the first night, and he'd called twice later, though I hadn't been able to answer either. Finally, though, Skype has come through.

“Ma...” I say coarsely. “Is she...?”

He shakes his head with a laugh, looking out at something I can't see. “No aquí _{Not here}. The market. She's going mad, buying everything she can get her hands on.” He looks back to see I'm laughing, imagining the scenario. “Creo que se te echa de menos _{I think she misses you},” he whispers after leaning closer to the screen.

“¡Ojalá! _{I hope so}” I laugh, wiping tears.

“¡Por supuesto! _{Of course!} We both do! How is it?”

“Great, papa,” I say quietly. It's not very convincing, maybe, with tears streaming down my face, but it's the truth. “They are all very nice. Rhianne, Peter, and the children; Megan and Gabriel. They are changing for a birthday party I'm taking them to now. And... Actually... I should go...” I scratch absently at the keys of the humming laptop, my heart pulling just at the thought. I don't want to leave him just yet. I can almost smell home; the Spanish foods wafting from the kitchen. Mama always cooks. She never stops; it's her profession, after all, and she's the best at what she does. I miss her waking me up in the morning with one thing or the other, and sending me to bed at night with a much too full stomach.

My father's stature falls a little and I want to sob. I miss everything about him. “Oh?”

“¿Está bien? _{Is that okay?}”

“Of course! You are a working boy, Jason. Your mother and I are so proud of you. Tan orgulloso _{So proud}. You know that?”

I bite my lip, “¿Está seguro? _{Are you sure?}” It's shaky, and papa frowns softly.

“Yes! I hope... I hope you are okay... Do you have any free days? We must sort one out so that I can make sure your mother is the house when you log on!”

I shake my head vigorously. “Nothing set. I'll ask Rhianne and she'll tell me though. Until later, papa?”

“Until later.” He laughs a little and shakes his head, “Your mother will be mad I spoke to you without her.”

“I won't tell if you won't tell!”

“Ha!”

“¡Tenga buen dia, Papa! _{Have a nice day, dad!}”

“¡Tenga buen dia!”

His face disappears as Skype's vwooop! sounds, and I also hear the squeak of the living room door. Turning around, I see Rhianne's older brother, Chase, trying to slip out.

“Chase?” I wipe any stray tears quickly and shut my laptop. I can already feel my heart speeding a little, and I'm wary of getting a ticket. I've already developed a small, stupid crush on Rhianne's twenty-three year old brother despite only meeting him once.



“Jason! Jason, come down!” Rhianne Shear's voice carries all the way up to the spare bedroom she and her husband have prepared for me. I wipe vigorously at my wet eyes and then flap uselessly in front of them. As if that'll chase the redness away. I stand for a moment and look around my room. My suitcase is underneath my bed, so all that I see that is actually mine is a photo frame with my father and mother on my bedside table, a Spanish book I'm reading and my Spanish-English dictionary. It's unfamiliar. I need home.

I need home.

“Coming,” I say, though it was pointless; it hadn't been loud at all.

Downstairs, the door is open, and Rhianne and Peter are grinning, talking to a man leaning against the doorway.

“Oh! Hey! This is Jason?” The guy notices me first. He's got this brown-blonde hair, spiked into a quiff at the front, and smouldering eyes that cause me to hold my breath a little. I nod my head with a smile and reach my hand out to shake his.

“Hey, Jason! This is my little brother, Chase.”

“Uh, Buenos dias _{Good morning}, and um, ¿Dónde está?” I lift my eyebrows as Chase furrows his together hopefully and Peter laughs. “What?” he questions defensively.

“Didn't know you knew Spanish!” Peter exclaims.

“Um, no comprendo...” I say, looking to Rhianne who giggles.

“He used to.”

“I do! Wasn't... Was that not right?” Chase frowns and looks at me.

“You said 'Where is it,'” I clarify.

“Damn, and there I was thinking about holidaying to Spain. Good thing I stayed here, huh?” He grins. “I'll have to brush up on that for you...”

“You don't need to brush up on anything, Jason speaks perfect English, you racist mug. His father teaches English at a University in Spain so he's grown up with the language, haven't you?”

“Yes,” I say to Rhianne, but glancing at Chase, I'm hoping he does. Hearing my own language soothes that ache for home just a little.

“I'll brush up,” he whispers, winking.

“Gracias,” I murmur back, unable to help the wide grin on my face.



He freezes then turns back to face me quickly. “Jason! Hi! Uh, ¿Cómo está... usted? _{How are you?}” he asks. He looks a little sheepish, and I smile at him, hoping I don't look as pathetic as I feel.

“Muy bien _{Just fine},” I reply, laying the laptop aside and standing up, scratching the back of my head. “You got it right.” Chase laughs. “Um, you came to see the twins?”

“You, actually!” Chase says, inching closer and allowing the door shut behind him. He doesn't make this any easier. “Or, both I guess. I just arrived, you were talking and I thought I'd wait but then you were-- I just... Wanted to make sure you were okay and then... Well, anyway, Rhi- she asked me to help you with bus routes?”

“No! I told her I know the way just this morning...”

“Ah, sounds like Rhianne,” Chase tells me with a sad little smile. I hesitate to move forward. “I think she did this a little more for me though. Thinks I need to get out...” He trails off looking a little lost. He likes to talk. It's kind of attractive, the way he goes on without being aware of it. “Maybe... Maybe I'll just see the twins and then go?”

“Uh, yes. Okay,” I agree, and I wish I could speak as freely as he does. Without fear or uncertainty. Chase follows me slowly as I make my way out of the living room and up the stairs, though he must be more familiar with the house. His much heavier footsteps cause the wooden stairs to squeak.

As soon as I open the twin's bedroom door, I hear shouts of delight to see their uncle behind me. They are both dressed now, and Megan is fixing her hair into two messy pig tails. I immediately go to her aid.

“Thank you, Jason,” she blushes as she allows me take her thin blonde hair in my hands. I swear she has a crush on me, and it's incredibly cute, but a little awkward as I feel the same way towards her uncle; like a naïve little girl in a much-too bright pink dress... Vulnerable.

“De nada _{You're welcome},” I say softly, watching Gabriel charge into Chase's arms as his uncle lifts him and throws him in the air, a grin that transforms him completely adorning his masculine face.

“Gabe! How goes it?”



“Uncle Chase!” Gabriel's laughing in a way that hurts, it's so beautiful, and wraps his small hands around my neck. “You came too late! We're going to Ben's birthday party now, and I wan'ed to show you my new Transformer- I got Bumble Bee!”

“Bumble Bee?!”

“Yeah!” His eyes shine excitedly and he points over to his toy box. Standing proudly atop the cover is a small yellow robot. My nephew's current pride and joy.

“Jason, we got time?” Seemingly startled, the Spaniard nods his head quickly, and Gabirel squeals happily. “So... You wanna show it to me?” An energetic nod leads me to putting him on the ground. I glance over at Jason and grin as Gabriel hurries away to retrieve his action figure for me. Jason smiles at me briefly for a moment, but then his attention is firmly directly towards Megan's hair. He's these tan, slender fingers that seem to weave her hair in and out so quickly, and a neat plait is forming. I stare in awe for a moment.

“Huh, no wonder you haven't said hi to me yet, Megs. I can't make your hair that pretty.”

She blushes deeply, of course, and crosses her arms as Jason sends me a mock-scolding glance. “Hm!”

She's a little madam, but she giggles and averts her glance when I stick my tongue out and go cross-eyed. Gabe tugs at my jeans and I settle on the floor in front of him, watching, mm-ing and ahh!-ing as he transforms his robot into a car and back again, quizzing me all the while to make sure I'm paying attention.

“Uh, sorry, Chase, we've really got to go now if we want to, ah, catch the bus on time,” Jason says, snapping a band onto Megan's second plait. Her eyes are planted firmly to the ground and she's raised both hands to cup her mouth, as if to hide the huge smile on her lips. I can see she's grown incredibly fond of Jason already. She's most probably close to passing out from having him so close to her for all of five minutes. By now I think I could take poor Bumble Bee apart myself and put him back together again.

“Oh, sure,” I glance from Gabriel to Megan and offer my hands for high fives, which they both humour me with. They are frowning, which means I do too. “I'm sorry guys... But I promise I'll come over next week too, okay?” Gabriel puffs his cheeks out and shakes his head. And, damn, I'd be here everyday, if I could... But Kara sees my visiting Rhi and Peter's as escaping from her. God, maybe she's right... Sometimes I just want to run; to hide. It isn't as if she doesn't do it. She leaves the flat to jog at any opportunity she gets, so surely it's not all that different? Except that she has a reason, an excuse, and I have nothing.

I no longer have anything anymore.

“Well... I mean, you can join us?” Jason breaks in. He's taken Gabriel's hand and is helping him up.

“Oh? ¿Está seguro?” I ask, offering my hand. He only hesitates briefly before smiling kindly and taking it, pulling me straight up.

“¿Como no? _{Why not?}”

I grin at him as Megan pouts. “I wanna learn Spanish,” she says forlornly.

“Okay, well do you remember what 'Ready?' is?”

“¡Listo!” Gabe shouts, just before Megan can -which causes her infamous 'sour mouth' to make an appearance.

“Right!” Jason congratulates, and Megan turns her head away, annoyed. I laugh heartily as Jason looks momentarily lost when she refuses to look at him from shame/embarrassment and a little jealousy. He takes one of her small hands from it's crosses position on her chest and smiles at her.

“¿Listo?” he says softly to her.

Her pout eases slightly, and eventually she replies “Listo,” with a crimson face. Jason grins at her and then turns to me.

“¿Listo?” he asks.

“Listo,” I reply with a smile directed his way as Gabe slips his little hand though mine.

“I think we're ready to go.”



Despite the front door now being shut, Chase and I can still hear the children, and the rented bouncy castle in the garden can be seen wobbling to-and-fro from where we are.

“So...” Chase looks at his watch. “It's 11.40... The party finishes at 3. Should we bus to town and hang around?”

I adjust the black cap I'm wearing and shrug at him. “Yeah, okay.” I've got time to waste, and it's not exactly painful spending it with him.

We walk wordless to a bus stop just as one heads towards us. Once on, Chase leads us right to the back five seats, a space between us.

“You like Oxford so far?” he offers.

I smile a little at the question and look out of the window at the passing structures. We're already fairly close to town, and the buildings are wonderful. I love the architecture. “Definitely. It's nice. Different.”

“Good.” Chase was silent then. He looked pensive, rolling the toy car/robot that Gabriel had left with him in his hands. And then a tear dropped.

“...Chase?” He turns away, wiping at the salty liquid on car before placing it carefully on the seat next to him. He doesn't reply, and I'm not sure if I should probe him more. He's looking straight down at the ground, hands clasped together on his knees. “Are you okay?”

“What is 'I am a coward' in Spanish, Jason?”

My eyebrows rise as I sit up and stare at him, surprised. “What?”

“How do you I say it?” he persists.

“Yo soy un cobarde,” I tell him slowly.

“Right... Right. Now how do you say I'm a fucking bastard?”

“Ch- Chase? I-”

“How do you say it, Jason?”

I shake my head and turn to face him completely. He's looking at the yellow robot, hands grasping his knees tightly. “I can't... You're not-”

“How do you say I'm afraid? And I want to disappear, and I was so ready... So ready to be a father..? But now it's all over; my baby has been dead for three months now, and my relationship died with it... How do I say that?!”

My heart begins to beat erratically as I take a deep breath, “Me temo, y quiero desaparecer, y yo estaba tan dispuesto a ser padre. Pero ahora todo ha terminado, mi bebé está muerto desde hace tres meses, y mi relatinship murieron con él ... ¿Cómo puedo decir que ..?”

There's a moment of silence in which I hold my breath, and then Chase laughs out loud. Other passengers turn in question, but he doesn't seem to notice.

“Thanks,” he says, cheeks pink. He turns his brown eyes to me, and I furrow my eyebrows.

“Was... Was I not supposed to?” I blush. “You said I should... I thought-”

“No, no, I probably would have made you had you not. It's just funny, I guess. Never thought...” He laughs again before picking up Gabriel's robot. “Yeah... Um, ignore, you know, all of that. Please. Broken man talking.” He returns to transforming Gabriel's toy from robot to car and back again. I bite my lip and knock one of his knees with mine. He looks up.

“I don't think I should,” I argue. He shakes his head, but I don't back down. “No, Chase. Talk to me- por favor _please.”

He smiles weakly and says, “Shit, why is Spanish so sexy?” I'm more than sure it's a joke, but, frustratingly, I blush anyway. “I can't say no.”

“You can't.”

Rather than answering, Chase looks out of the window sharply, stands and presses a red Stop button near him. “We've missed it.” The bus hasn't even stopped before Chase is striding down the aisle. I follow him down, a little unsure of myself.

“How much did we miss it by?” I ask once we're both off. The bus starts up again noisily, and leaves us where we are. Chase looks into the distance, towards the way we came.

“Thirty minutes by foot. No longer. I think. You mind walking?”

With you? “Not at all.” He offers me a smile and begins to walk, head turning this way and that like a curious child.

“I was thinking about it before, you know. It's not like it was out of the blue.” Confused, though only for a moment, I turn to him. The statement itself was a little out of the blue, but of course I remember our previous conversation. “Leaving her, I mean- my girlfriend. Our relationship... It felt like we were suffocating. There was no life left in it. I myself was a mess; just off weed, writing meaningless shit instead of getting a much needed job, and still living with my parents for God-sake. And then she finds out she's pregnant, and I think- damn! Yes! This is it! We need a life to bring back our dead relationship. Maybe this is what we need...” Chase frowns, eyeing Gabriel's toy, still in his large hands. “Stupid, right?”

I shake my head, “Hopeful. I would do the same.”

“It was wrong. Depending on an unborn baby to fix my problems. Shit, it's ridiculous. We both got so excited thinking about the coming baby that we immersed ourselves in a life to come. Rented a flat with an extra room, one that has remained closed, now, for too long. And I got a job in Rhianne's business to try and bring in some cash, though she still helped with the bills to begin with. God, we were so happy preparing for the coming baby that we forgot the cracks in our foundations.”

“Who says that's a bad thing?” I ask.

“I do! Because in the end, when that baby died inside of Kara, we were left dry dreams... Our relationship was dead once more, and I see no way of resurecting it. Sake, Jason,” he stops still in the middle of the pavement, quivering hands covering his face. “What am I going to do?”

I hang back for a moment, and then lay a hand on his back. Passers-by walk on mostly without seeming to care about the disruption. Chase is remaining silent for now, though. “No sé _{I don't know}, but you should talk to her about this, right?” I prompt. I wish I had more to say.

“She's too sensitive,” he protests softly. His hands fall away, but his eyes won't meet mine. “The smallest thing triggers her, and I'm a douche bag, because she's suffered so much. She's suffered so much, and I did this to her, and-”

“Stop.” My voice is demanding, even to my ears, but he seems to take heed. “Just stop,” I say a little softer. “Not saying anything won't help.” I take his hand nervously and lead him to a bench in an unimpressive park down the street. Chase sits dejectedly, and I follow suit. “You have to try, gently. Poco a poco.”

He grins. “That's little by little, right?”

“Little by little,” I confirm.

“My GCSE Spanish ain't too bad.”

“Not at all.” I smile at him, glad the atmosphere's a little lifted.

“We can stay here,” he says tiredly, shutting his eyes. “I don't want to move. I never want to move. I want to hide. I think that's another thing; Kara's so familiar. Four years we've been together. Four years... And I'm tired.”

“That's strange.” I bite my lip and turn away from him, looking at the sun up in the sky. And then I speak up, boldly as I dare; “Familiarity. That's what I liked about you. When we met. ¿Te acuerdas?”

“Uh... Te-what?”

“¿Te acuerdas? It means 'Do you remember'. You spoke Spanish to me, and I was missing home so much just then. I loved you for it immediately. I was yearning for that little bit of familiarity, and you gave that to me.” I could feel Chase's gaze on me, but I continued looking on ahead, watching a family of four biking past us, laughing at some private joke. “Isn't that strange?” I continue. “As you hide from it, I'm seeking. Wanting what I know. But you don't like that?”

“I don't... I don't know.”

We're silent, then, for a reasonable amount of time. Chase then turns to me and narrows his eyes, scrutinising me from my head to my toes.

“Are you gay?”

“What?”

His hands fly up automatically in defence and his face softens, “Jeez, don't be offended if not, but, Jason, are you gay?”

I cross my arms, and turn away. “God, you looked at me before you said that. Do I dress “gay” or something? What exactly is a gay wardrobe?” I've never been accused of dressing gay before, and that Chase could have guessed from anything I've done since meeting him makes me self conscious. I'm unsure how to behave.

“Kiss me.”

“¡¿Qué?!”

“Please... I need... I haven't kissed anyone else in four years. I just, I need to see what's going on here, you know? If the bullshit's true; if kissing Kara is special, at all, to me. If I'll feel a difference and... And all the other shit involved with this shit. Crap or-- don't tell Rhianne, though, right? Dammit, if you feel like I'm molesting you or anything you don't have to do it, it's fine I'll- I'll find someone else-”

So I kissed him. Quickly. To shut him up- that's right. Turned my head around and angled to the left, lips slightly apart. Mierda _Shit, and he kissed back almost immediately.



His lips are different to hers. But that's obvious. His body is different to hers, but that's obvious too. When I push my arms under his to wrap around his waist, it's awkward because of the position we're sitting, and I pull then out again. He doesn't complain, nor does he pull them around himself. That's different too. He twists his head to the right and I simply go with the flow, allowing him to lead me on. I feel a cold, male hand on my neck and shiver, but instead of recoiling I'm leaning in, and then my tongue is reaching in too.

Then he gasps.

She gasps.

I snap back.

“Sorry,” he begins, a guilty expression on his face, but I stop him right there.

“Don't apologise! Please, don't apologise.” She always apologises. Far too often these days, it's one of us. Saying sorry to the other for a death we couldn't control, a broken relationship we're holding onto much too hard.

“It's like a baby right?” Jason squints at me and then leans back.

“What is?”

“A relationship. Don't hold on hard enough and it falls- it breaks. But hold on too hard and you'll snap it's neck.”

A chuckle. He looks away to watch the traffic and fixes his hat before picking up Bumble Bee and placing it next to me. I must have dropped it. I stare at the yellow robot in it's childish glory. It stares back at me. “Strange way to describe it, but true. That's true.”

I nod. “I think we snapped it's neck. My girlfriend and I.”

“I'm really sorry to hear that.”

“You and I both. But it's for the best. We can move on now. We can't hold onto something that's dead. We'll remember it, but that's gotta be it. We can't hang around and hurt ourselves.”

“Es verdad. _{That's the truth.}”

“Mm.” I turn to Jason, but he's looking away, slouched a little, the corner of his lips turned down. “Gracias.”

“De nada.” He said it too quickly.

“Lo siento. _{I'm sorry.}” He shrugs. I am an idiot. “How do you say 'I'm a selfish bastard, and you should cut off my balls?”

Jason laughs aloud at this, and I smile, watching a taxi zoom on by, and take a cold, male hand in my own.