Scumbag
Six: I'm A Loser and A User
Billie Joe’s POV
I’d made a few mistakes in my life that I wasn’t so proud of. In the 6th grade, I cheated on my math test and got the highest mark in the class. When I turned 15, I got drunk at a friend’s place and turned up at 4AM, still drunk, banging on my mother’s window to get back inside. Last night, I’d hurt somebody I should have cared more about, but didn’t. She hit me several times and I took it, because I knew I deserved it. She cried on my shoulder, and then started hitting me again. I had several bruises on my chest and a black eye, but I knew she could have done worse. I could have been hospitalised had she found a weapon to use on me which thankfully, she didn’t. Though perhaps being unconscious right now would have been better for my mind.
I’d cheated on her, which is something I told myself I’d never, ever do. I knew she only flirted with Brian out of fun. I knew he only returned the gestures because they were close. This didn’t stop me from being jealous over it. She could flirt around with him, and I could not. That’s what it all came down to, and I guess I went about solving my little problem in the wrong way.
I had a gig to play in less than an hour, and I felt I just couldn’t do it. Everybody hated me. Well, Mike didn’t hate me, because he was never too fond of Dixie to begin with, but that was beside the point. Everybody else hated me. Trè told me I’d made a pretty stupid mistake, even by his standards. My mum told me she didn’t want to look at her little boy. I wasn’t even sure how she knew about it. I didn’t want to be backstage, about to play to a crowd of people. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was booed off stage. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was killed. Dixie had a lot of friends, and I was now not one of them.
“Billie, get the fuck up. You may be wallowing in your self-pity but we still have a show to play.” I knew Mike was right, but I still threw him a dirty look as I got up off the floor and found my guitar.
So, I tend to over exaggerate and make a huge deal of things. Sure, Dixie’s friends turned up, but after a few songs they were dancing with the rest of the crowd. No one tried to kill me, not even Brian who I spotted hiding at the back of the crowd in an oversized and out of fashion bright red cardigan and combat boots. I hated the way he dressed at times, but hell, I loved it, too. My tired eyes spotted him backstage talking with Trè for a while, but he was quick to leave. I wanted to ask what he’d wanted. I wanted to know if Dixie was okay, or if she was still planning to get me back somehow. Trè somehow knew all this; I guess my incessant staring hadn’t helped to hide my thoughts.
“Brian said Dixie’s been better, that she’s actually here tonight. Not for you, or course. He asked on her behalf if she can hang out with us guys tonight, but you know, obviously not for you.” I nodded. “I wasn’t asking your permission, I was telling you she’ll be backstage in a few minutes so you’d better prepare yourself.”
“Oh. Well that’s good, too.” Not a moment later, Dixie walked around the corner with Brian linked at her hand, and I wondered for a moment if they were a thing. He whispered something into her ear as he looked my way, and they shared a tiny giggle together. I knew I screwed my nose up at them, and I heard as they only giggled louder.
“Billie, maybe you should go home,” Mike said, his hand resting on my shoulder as he stood by my side.
“Fuck off. I have every right to be here with you guys having fun.” I knew my night would be far from fun. We’d carpooled in Trè’s car to get to our gig so unless I was walking home, I was stuck with them all night, anyway.
Dixie took another shot at the bar, and as she leant forward Brian’s hand finally removed itself from around her waist. So, I’d heard they weren’t a thing after all and no, they weren’t out to tease me. Well at least, Brian wasn’t. He’d told Mike he didn’t want Dixie to feel lonely, hence the giggling and the holding and the occasional kiss on the cheek. I could normally have respected that notion, if it hadn’t made my insides boil each time they touched. So, fair enough, I’d shoved my tongue down Brian’s mouth. But that gave them no right to–
“Billie, we’re heading back to mine!” Trè screamed over the crowd, and I realised I was the only one left sitting at the bar. I got up and followed behind as everyone but Trè stumbled back to his car, and crawled into the backseat beside Brian. Dixie, being her usual pain in the ass self, was taking up far too much room and so Brian was practically sitting on top of me, which of course I didn’t mind. There was no doubt in my mind that I was attracted to him, just that pursuing that attraction would be a definite bad thing and probably unwanted on his part. I thought about what he might be feeling as we rode back to Trè’s in silence, save for the sound of light slapping and Dixie’s giggles as they played red hands. They soon got bored of that, though, and as Dixie rested her head on Brian’s shoulder I felt as he moved his onto mine. His hand slipped between our thighs and rested there for the rest of the trip, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
“Wait,” I called to Brian as the others got out of the car and made their way into Trè’s house. He waited, though looked a little confused. “Can I just make it perfectly clear that I don’t… you know… like you. It’s nothing personal… just… you know, it’d be weird.”
“Is it weird for a boy to like a boy?” Brian seemed confused.
“No I mean, weird for this boy to like you,” I said, pointing towards each of us in turn.
“Why?” I saw the smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth, and almost lost my shit. He was playing me, and he was thoroughly enjoying it.
“You know that’d hurt Dixie. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have.” Brian looked to the pavement as if in thought, then back up again a moment later.
“If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?” He walked away then and made his way inside, as I was standing there listening for falling trees. It took me a good part of the night to understand what it was he was on about, and then I didn’t want to understand. He was curled up on the sofa with Dixie wrapped in his arms as I was in the opposite chair, and it took all of me not to wake him, to confront him, and to ask him if I really did understand what he’d said.
I’d made a few mistakes in my life that I wasn’t so proud of. In the 6th grade, I cheated on my math test and got the highest mark in the class. When I turned 15, I got drunk at a friend’s place and turned up at 4AM, still drunk, banging on my mother’s window to get back inside. Last night, I’d hurt somebody I should have cared more about, but didn’t. She hit me several times and I took it, because I knew I deserved it. She cried on my shoulder, and then started hitting me again. I had several bruises on my chest and a black eye, but I knew she could have done worse. I could have been hospitalised had she found a weapon to use on me which thankfully, she didn’t. Though perhaps being unconscious right now would have been better for my mind.
I’d cheated on her, which is something I told myself I’d never, ever do. I knew she only flirted with Brian out of fun. I knew he only returned the gestures because they were close. This didn’t stop me from being jealous over it. She could flirt around with him, and I could not. That’s what it all came down to, and I guess I went about solving my little problem in the wrong way.
I had a gig to play in less than an hour, and I felt I just couldn’t do it. Everybody hated me. Well, Mike didn’t hate me, because he was never too fond of Dixie to begin with, but that was beside the point. Everybody else hated me. Trè told me I’d made a pretty stupid mistake, even by his standards. My mum told me she didn’t want to look at her little boy. I wasn’t even sure how she knew about it. I didn’t want to be backstage, about to play to a crowd of people. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was booed off stage. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was killed. Dixie had a lot of friends, and I was now not one of them.
“Billie, get the fuck up. You may be wallowing in your self-pity but we still have a show to play.” I knew Mike was right, but I still threw him a dirty look as I got up off the floor and found my guitar.
So, I tend to over exaggerate and make a huge deal of things. Sure, Dixie’s friends turned up, but after a few songs they were dancing with the rest of the crowd. No one tried to kill me, not even Brian who I spotted hiding at the back of the crowd in an oversized and out of fashion bright red cardigan and combat boots. I hated the way he dressed at times, but hell, I loved it, too. My tired eyes spotted him backstage talking with Trè for a while, but he was quick to leave. I wanted to ask what he’d wanted. I wanted to know if Dixie was okay, or if she was still planning to get me back somehow. Trè somehow knew all this; I guess my incessant staring hadn’t helped to hide my thoughts.
“Brian said Dixie’s been better, that she’s actually here tonight. Not for you, or course. He asked on her behalf if she can hang out with us guys tonight, but you know, obviously not for you.” I nodded. “I wasn’t asking your permission, I was telling you she’ll be backstage in a few minutes so you’d better prepare yourself.”
“Oh. Well that’s good, too.” Not a moment later, Dixie walked around the corner with Brian linked at her hand, and I wondered for a moment if they were a thing. He whispered something into her ear as he looked my way, and they shared a tiny giggle together. I knew I screwed my nose up at them, and I heard as they only giggled louder.
“Billie, maybe you should go home,” Mike said, his hand resting on my shoulder as he stood by my side.
“Fuck off. I have every right to be here with you guys having fun.” I knew my night would be far from fun. We’d carpooled in Trè’s car to get to our gig so unless I was walking home, I was stuck with them all night, anyway.
Dixie took another shot at the bar, and as she leant forward Brian’s hand finally removed itself from around her waist. So, I’d heard they weren’t a thing after all and no, they weren’t out to tease me. Well at least, Brian wasn’t. He’d told Mike he didn’t want Dixie to feel lonely, hence the giggling and the holding and the occasional kiss on the cheek. I could normally have respected that notion, if it hadn’t made my insides boil each time they touched. So, fair enough, I’d shoved my tongue down Brian’s mouth. But that gave them no right to–
“Billie, we’re heading back to mine!” Trè screamed over the crowd, and I realised I was the only one left sitting at the bar. I got up and followed behind as everyone but Trè stumbled back to his car, and crawled into the backseat beside Brian. Dixie, being her usual pain in the ass self, was taking up far too much room and so Brian was practically sitting on top of me, which of course I didn’t mind. There was no doubt in my mind that I was attracted to him, just that pursuing that attraction would be a definite bad thing and probably unwanted on his part. I thought about what he might be feeling as we rode back to Trè’s in silence, save for the sound of light slapping and Dixie’s giggles as they played red hands. They soon got bored of that, though, and as Dixie rested her head on Brian’s shoulder I felt as he moved his onto mine. His hand slipped between our thighs and rested there for the rest of the trip, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
“Wait,” I called to Brian as the others got out of the car and made their way into Trè’s house. He waited, though looked a little confused. “Can I just make it perfectly clear that I don’t… you know… like you. It’s nothing personal… just… you know, it’d be weird.”
“Is it weird for a boy to like a boy?” Brian seemed confused.
“No I mean, weird for this boy to like you,” I said, pointing towards each of us in turn.
“Why?” I saw the smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth, and almost lost my shit. He was playing me, and he was thoroughly enjoying it.
“You know that’d hurt Dixie. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have.” Brian looked to the pavement as if in thought, then back up again a moment later.
“If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?” He walked away then and made his way inside, as I was standing there listening for falling trees. It took me a good part of the night to understand what it was he was on about, and then I didn’t want to understand. He was curled up on the sofa with Dixie wrapped in his arms as I was in the opposite chair, and it took all of me not to wake him, to confront him, and to ask him if I really did understand what he’d said.
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Sorry I don't update this much. :(