Live Again, Love Again

Gerard was woken suddenly, violently fisting the thin sheets beneath him and slicked with a sheen of sweat. His breathing was clumsy and ragged as his chest heaved, his lungs feeling as though they would collapse in on themselves. He was momentarily blinded by the light in his bedroom, only to find - when his eyes adjusted - that it was not that bright at all. On the contrary, it was still the middle of the night and the only light was the dim blue glow of the moon peeking through the blind.

It took a couple of minutes for Gerard to understand what had woken him from his sleep, but as it dawned on him, he pushed a lazy hand through his matted mess of dark hair and sighed sadly, suddenly noticing how empty the bed felt, how cold he was without the warmth of another body on his chest.

NINE HOURS EARLIER
"Gerard, I really don't feel right." Frank insisted, throwing himself back down onto the pillow when he realized, for the third time that day, he just didn't have the strength to stand. Gerard simply smiled sympathetically and placed the washcloth he had just soaked in cold water on Frank's clammy forehead, desperate to bring the younger man's fever down.

"I know, I know." he murmured, pulling the duvet up to Frank's shoulders as he was shivering despite the fact his temperature was through the roof. "You're used to this. Poor Frankie, so prone to this shit. Another week and you'll be over it." he added affectionately, trying to ease his own stress as well as Frank's. Frank was desperately reaching for Gerard, shaking his head, trying to communicate that this was more than just a common cold. Much more.

For three weeks now Frank had been feeling completely drained, barely able to get out of bed most days, suffering hot and cold flushes, headaches, nausea and shivers so bad at times he couldn't even grip his own glass. Gerard was right of course, he was used to it, but never in his life had he felt this awful for this long.

And now, as Gerard held onto the hand that had been reaching for him, he noticed Frank's breathing begin to get shallower.

"Am-ambulance. P-please," he managed to gasp out but before Gerard could even process the words his eyes rolled into the back of his head and his body convulsed violently, his limbs flailing of their own accord and his back arching. Gerard yelled Frank's name helplessly as he reached for the phone, trying to keep the smaller man's focus. It was hopeless, Frank was completely gone inside his head - his only focus was the intense pain he felt all over his body and getting it to stop. It burned from top to bottom, his body tingling like every nerve ending had been sparked with electricity. He couldn't even cry out. His clothes and the sheets below him had become drenched in sweat within seconds and his entire body tensed in an attempt to stop the fit.

While waiting for help, Gerard sought to hold Frank still and stop the fit himself. Frank's body still jerked feebly beneath the older man's strong grasp, and his face scrunched up as acid burned his throat. Gerard saw what was coming and quickly turned Frank's head to the side to stop him choking on his vomit, which spilled in a watery mess over the floor and the side of the bed. Gerard couldn't help the whimper that escaped his throat from the sight of it, knowing how much more pain it must have caused Frank to vomit on an empty stomach.

"I'm sorry." Gerard whispered, removing his shirt and holding Frank's hair away from his face as he used the garment to wipe the vomit from his mouth. "I promise I'll listen from now on. I should have taken you to the hospital like you asked."

He didn't know it but Frank heard Gerard's hushed apologies and it calmed him considerably. Slowly but surely, Frank's seizure began to cease until there was nothing but slight twitching. He struggled to gasp Gerard's name and squeeze the hand he had been given, and then came a total stillness and silence. Gerard smiled through his sorrow, relieved that his Frankie had finally found peace. For now.

Not long after that, paramedics finally found their way into the house, accompanied by a doctor. The doctor settled herself beside Frank, careful to avoid the pool of bile at the side of the bed. While Gerard explained symptoms, the doctor took Frank's temperature, his blood pressure and lastly his heart rate - which was alarmingly low. Gerard turned away as she produced a syringe with a needle on the end to take a sample of Frank's blood, which she then tested with a tester strip. Her alarmed expression frightened Gerard.

"What is it?" he demanded, and he braced himself for the diagnosis, no matter how serious. The doctor looked at him solemnly, shaking her head as she tore off the latex gloves Gerard had not noticed until now.

"I'm afraid the only conclusion I can come to is meningitis." she informed him. His heart skipped a beat and he glanced over at Frank mournfully, his chest aching with pity and sorrow.

"So? What happens now?" 

"Well, meningitis occurs when the tissue around the brain or spinal cord is inflamed. Unfortunately, in Frank's case it seems both are affected." she explained. "Are you aware that there are two types of meningitis?" 

Gerard shook his head no, trying to absorb everything she was telling him. He felt so guilty for not listening to Frank, for not seeking medical attention the second he asked. "Well, there are. I'll spare you unnecessary details, put simply one is lethal, the other is not."

Gerard's heart skipped another beat. "And Frank's?" he asked before closing his eyes, dreading her answer. In the pit of his stomach he already knew. She sighed.

"From my observation, I would say he has another hour. Two at most. Now would be the time to say your goodbyes, I'm sorry." 

Gerard's breathing hitched. This is it? All because he couldn't fucking listen, his most cherished treasure would be gone forever? "Will he regain consciousness before then?" he whispered, his voice strained from the lump in his throat. The doctor shook her head apologetically.

"He could, but I doubt it. Give us a call, you know, when you're ready for us to collect him."

He watched them leave and then sank to the floor, a tearless sob wracking his body. He crawled up into the bed and pulled Frank onto his lap, resting a hand on his chest so he could feel him breathe. He didn't know if Frank could hear him, but he spoke anyway.

"I'm truly sorry, Frank. I should have known something was really wrong. I should have fucking listened to you." 

He adjusted Frank's hair and ran the backs of his fingers over his face, which was perfectly peaceful. Gerard couldn't help smiling when he saw it. Upon realizing it could be the last chance he would get, he leaned down to kiss Frank gently on the lips, and he was startled when he felt Frank kiss back. 

He pulled away and smiled when he saw Frank's eyes were open. The smile didn't reach his eyes, but it was there.

"None of this... Is y-your fault." Frank managed. He placed his hand over Gerard's that was rested on his chest. "I'm not af-raid, Gerard." 

"I am." Gerard whispered. He just didn't see how he could be without Frank. They completed each other and it would be like he was losing a part of himself. He knew he had to accept it though, Frank was too weak to fight this, and it would be selfish to make him try.

For an immeasurable amount of time they just laid there together, enjoying their final moments. 

After a while, Frank's breaths started to turn into sharp, shallow gasps. Gerard shifted him so he could be comfortable, almost cradling him like a baby. He felt tears burning the back of his eyes but he was determined to hold them until Frank wasn't able to see him cry.

"I'm so t-tired, Ger-ard." Frank panted through his labored breaths, squeezing Gerard's fingers tightly, desperately. Gerard wiped away a few drops of sweat that were forming on Frank's forehead with his thumb.

"Sleep now, baby." he murmured. "It's time to go." Frank closed his eyes instantly, he didn't need to be told twice. He simply could not cope any longer. Gerard felt Frank's chest come to a slow stop and his heart beat dwindle down until there was nothing. "I love you, always."

As the initial aftershock of his sudden awakening subsided, Gerard was overwhelmed with every possible negative emotion. Grief, guilt, depression, anger. Mostly at himself. The lump in his throat grew and suddenly he was crying. Nothing violent or loud, jut silent tears slipping down the cheeks of a broken man. 

He threw is legs over the edge of the bed and padded through to their - his bathroom. As he reached for the cabinet he caught his reflection in the mirror. He still wore his jeans from earlier that day, but he had discarded his shirt to wipe the vomit from Frank's face before the paramedics arrived. His face was ghostly pale, more so than usual and his eyes red and swollen. He was lost.

He sifted through the cabinet for the strongest pill he could find, took the cap off the bottle and quickly lined them up one by one on the counter. He counted forty eight of them and a somewhat manic smile crept onto his lips.

As he lifted the first pill to his mouth, a sudden rush of freezing air made him shiver.

"Don't you dare, Gerard."

He snapped his head towards the voice, his eyes wide and heart thumping. The voice sounded echoey, unworldly, as if the person speaking were underwater. Then his eyes fell to that face, that oh-so-familiar face. There Frank sat, on the closed lid of the toilet, no longer looking unhealthy or deathly, but instead flawless. Transparent, almost, but still just as if not more beautiful than he had been when he was alive.

"Frank?" Gerard whispered, almost certain he was dreaming this. He had to be dreaming. Frank smiled gently.

"You're not dreaming, baby." he told Gerard, as if answering his thoughts. "I'm really here."

Gerard placed his pill back down on the counter and cautiously walked towards Frank, reaching out to touch him. He placed his hand over Frank's chest and pressed forwards, only to find his hand slipped straight through him. Frank was freezing, it was like touching liquid nitrogen, and it almost completely numbed his fingers. Gerard gasped and pulled his hand away harshly the second he felt it. Frank watched it all play out, a somewhat amused smile on his face.

"Why are you here? How are you here?" Gerard whispered. Not that he wasn't pleased to see him, of course he was, but he didn't understand. Frank smiled again, sweetly, and reached to cup Gerard's face. It was strange, how he could touch Gerard but Gerard could not touch him.

"Oh, Gee. I've been here the whole time, since they took my body. You must have felt my presence." 

Gerard simply shrugged. He hadn't really been paying attention to the atmosphere. He looked at the floor. He found it difficult to make eye contact with this Frank. 

"There are certain things I'm not allowed to tell you, but let me explain." Frank continued. "You remember when your grandmother passed, you told me it still felt like she was there?"

"Yes," Gerard nodded and waited for Frank to continue.

"Well, she was. You see, when we leave... Your world, we have the opportunity to remain there for a short period of time to watch over our loved ones. I've been watching you since I left, to make sure you don't do something like this," he gestured to the pills. "Why would you do this?"

Gerard remained silent for quite a while, contemplating his reply. Frank's ever intense eyes burned into him now just as they had in life.

"I wanted-... I want to be with you again." Gerard whispered. He finally looked up to lock eyes with Frank. They were narrowed and hostile. It surprised Gerard how much human emotion he could still see in Frank, and he dropped his gaze back to the floor.

"I'll still be here for quite a while, Gee. A couple of years, perhaps. Whenever you need me all you have to do is call my name." Frank paused, reaching out to tuck a finger under Gerard's chin and lift his head. "You're needed here. Without me, Lindsey will need you more than ever. When it's born, our child will need you more than ever.

"I spoke to your grandmother, baby. We understand that it will take time, but she agrees with me." Frank pauses, inhaling sharply. His next sentence would be the hardest that would ever leave his mouth. "I think you should move on from me, and raise the child with Lindsey."

Gerard's head snapped up and he shook it harshly. "You think I can just move on from you, just like that?" he snapped. He had never been this angry. Did their relationship mean nothing to Frank? "Besides, Frank, you are the surrogate. It isn't my baby without you."

Shocked by Gerard's outburst, Frank held his hands up in apology, stopping Gerard in his tracks. "I was just suggesting. And that baby will always be as much yours as mine, Gerard. Listen, my point is you have a reason to stay here."

"I'll think about it." Gerard spat. He didn't want to have this conversation anymore, he wanted to grieve in peace and enjoy the moments he could still have with Frank.

"Just don't forget that I'll always love you, whatever you decide." Frank murmured. "Could you promise something to Elena and I?"

"You know I'd do anything for you. What is it?" Gerard agreed sincerely, and before he drifted away until he was needed again, Frank pulled his lips into a smile.

"Live."