Live Again, Love Again

The next morning was outrageously cold and wet, and as Gerard walked along the desolate streets, struggling against the force of the wind and rain, he pulled the hood of Frank's sweater tighter around himself in an attempt to shield himself from the storm. It was an old, frayed and faded "The Misfits" sweater that Gerard had bought for Frank when they were both seventeen, the first year they celebrated Frank's birthday as a couple. It had been Frank's favorite ever since, and Gerard had his heart set on Frank wearing it when they buried him. He wanted to keep it close to him until then.

The bell above the door of the coffee joint tinkled as Gerard stepped inside, and he was glad of the noise to puncture the silence that had filled his life in the past twenty-four hours. Wind and thunder were not exactly welcome sounds. He absorbed the hissing of the coffee machines and the quiet chatter of customers, and with every ring of the cash register or jingle of change, the void was filled just a little.

When he reached his place at the counter, he ordered a large black coffee to go. Not because he planned to leave with his beverage, but because he preferred the paper take-out cups to the usual porcelain mugs. Before he paid he ordered an extra shot of espresso, desperately needing an extra strong pick-me-up right now. He picked a small, quiet table in the back corner of the joint and fell heavily onto the sofa, allowing himself to sink into it before resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing his eyes furiously with the palms of his hands.

Lifting his head from his hands, Gerard took the espresso shot, scrunching his face up just as one would when sucking on a slice of lemon as the bitter taste stuck to his tongue and the liquid burned his throat. Feeling the instant caffeine hit, he placed the small glass down on the table and leaned back in his seat, releasing a heavy sigh and tipping his head back against the top of the sofa. He kept it there for a minute or two and rested his eyes, before he heard the ring of the bell above the door. He lifted his head and opened his eyes, and couldn't help the small smile he managed when he saw her.

Lindsey walked over to his table, giving him a light-hearted smile and taking a seat opposite him.

"Hey! Frank not with you?"

It took all of Gerard's strength not to burst into tears at that moment. He pushed his coffee towards Lindsey, noticing she hadn't ordered her own and that he didn't really want it anymore. He bit his tongue to stop a sob and shook his head. Lindsey seemed to catch on that something was wrong and her face fell.

"He can't still be sick, can he?" she mumbled sadly. He shook his head again as she took a sip of the coffee. She furrowed her brows in confusion. Frank wasn't sick anymore but he hadn't joined them and Gerard was clearly upset over something. She wondered if they had been fighting, or even broken up. "Why isn't he here then? I need to show you gu-..."

"Frank passed away." Gerard blurted out, effectively extinguishing Lindsey's sentence and she almost choked on her words. Tears slipped from Gerard's eyes and the pair sat in silence for an immeasureable amount of time.

Lindsey wanted to ask questions. When? How? She couldn't get her voice to work, but after a while Gerard spoke up anyway, his voice hoarse and shaking. "He was so sick, he just kept getting worse. He had, like, a seizure so I called an ambulance. He was already unconscious but they did all these- these tests and I... Meningitis, that's what it was. Not even a half hour later he was just... gone."

Gerard was rambling quite a lot but Lindsey got the gist of what he was saying and all she wanted to do was cry for him at how vulnerable he sounded. He rested his head in both hands, hiding his face. He didn't want her to see him break, but she could already see it. She could feel it. A part of his life had ended far too soon and she so desperately wished she could bring it back.

A week later was Frank's funeral. It was a beautiful service, one that he would have been proud of. Hundreds of people showed up. His parents were there of course, along with Gerard's. Mikey and Ray were there, and Lindsey stayed by Gerard's side. Almost the entire neighborhood paid their respects and with the news having been broken publicly earlier that week, at least fifty Pencey Prep fans came to grieve too. Pencey Prep themselves performed an instrumental number in his honor and he was buried in the church where he and Gerard had met as children around ten years earlier.

The day after the funeral, Gerard moved in with Lindsey, taking residence in her guest room, because he just couldn't handle staying in the house where he and Frank had shared five years of their lives together. Most nights they sat together on the rug in the lounge, sharing a microwave meal and recalling their fondest memories.

"I saw Frank, you know. The night he died." Gerard spoke up one evening, biting into a poppadom. Lindsey snapped her own in two and looked up at his face, questioning him. "I was going to overdose. I mean I'm glad I didn't, but that was the plan and he just appeared, talked me out of it."

The pair finished their meal and relocated to the sofa, leaving the plastic packaging and cutlery on the coffee table to be cleared away later. Lindsey leant back against the cushions, both hands resting and rubbing over her bulging stomach. She didn't even question the logic or legitimacy behind what Gerard had told her. She simply accepted it and believed him.

"It doesn't feel right, not having him here." Gerard whispered. Lindsey sighed and scooted over so his side was pressed against hers, and she slipped her arm around his shoulders, pulling him to her. Her lips found his hair in a comforting touch and his eyes slid shut of their own accord.

"You two have been together since you were sixteen. Nine years suddenly disappearing was and is never going to feel right." she mumbled in response, though it didn't really do much to make Gerard feel better. All it did was make him realize just how much he had lost, and he began silently and sleepily weeping on her shoulder. But she hadn't finished. "But dwelling on it isn't going to feel right either. You said yourself, he's still around right now. The best thing you can do is move on. He may not be here physically anymore but embrace the fact you still have a part of him, if only for a short while."

Gerard didn't even realize that he had cried himself to sleep in Lindsey's arms until a rush of freezing air and a dim blue glow shook him awake. There was an echoed voice filling his ears but it took him a while to register that the voice wasn't in his dreams.

"Gerard, wake up. It's just a bad dream, baby, please wake up." Frank called, slowly bringing Gerard back to reality. Gerard lifted his head from where it was resting against the back of the sofa and opened his eyes. He jumped out of his skin when he saw Frank's face, gasping loudly and breaking down into tears, still too sleepy and delirious to realize he had seen him like this before. "It's okay, G. It's just me, you're okay now."

Slowly Gerard began to calm down as his almost-drunken state wore off. He managed a smile when it dawned on him that Frank was really there, though his tears never stopped. Frank explained that during his nightmare, Gerard had called his name and that was why Frank had appeared there, recalling what he had said the first night Gerard saw him like this. "Whenever you need me all you have to do is call my name."

Gerard's abrupt awakening had woken Lindsey, and as she came around she heard him speaking. She couldn't see or hear Frank, though, so it took her a few long moments before she registered who he was speaking to. She chose not to lift her head from Gerard's lap and make it known she was awake, although she did open her eyes just to look at his face. He looked comfortable, peaceful, and she smiled.

"I think I can do this, Frankie." Gerard murmured and he clenched his fist, deperately wishing he could touch Frank and express his words with actions. "I think I can adjust to a new life. Just don't leave me, not yet."

"I'll be here. But just look at her, Gerard. She's dedicated to you. You could do a lot worse."

Lindsey finally stirred and Gerard's eyes snapped downwards to look at her, his mouth curling into a tight smile when he saw her eyes open. She sat up and just looked at him, waiting for him to make the first move. She didn't want to interrupt his moment with Frank, but when Gerard lifted his head again to reengage in their conversation, he found Frank gone and his heart sank.

"He was here." he whispered simply, and Lindsey only nodded in response. "I had a nightmare. I woke up and Frank was here."

She took Gerard's hands in her own, still nodding her head gently, letting him ride out his new wave of grief. Gerard simply sat and cried quietly, but he wasn't really sure how he was feeling at that moment. His mind was on overdrive. He felt hurt that Frank had vanished without saying goodbye, but he felt happy that he had appeared at all and that Lindsey was there to comfort him.

"I know." she whispered, cupping his face in one hand and stroking his cheek with her thumb. "I know, honey. I believe you."

Unsure as to whether it was the grief taking over his mind, or old feelings from their early teenage years together resurfacing, it finally hit Gerard that this could be his life now. He had a woman whom he had poured his life to, and she hers, and they had a baby due to be born just weeks from now. There was nothing they could do to bring Frank back, but they could carry on his legacy. They could raise this child to know and love Frank as much as they did.

"Can we... Just let me..." Gerard breathed, holding Lindsey's hand against his face and leaning his entire body closer to hers. "Frank was right, we could... You and I, we could do this."

Lindsey didn't need an explanation. She knew Gerard well enough that she could more or less untangle his riddles and understand what he was trying to say. She used the hand on his face to bring him closer.

"Frank can still be a part of the baby's life, you know?" she assured him, her breath ghosting over his face. "I'd want more than anything for him to be. And when he or she is older, they're going to love you. They're going to love you just as much as I do."

With tears trickling down his face and unaware that Frank was watching with a smile, Gerard closed the gap. He needed comfort, but more than anything he needed to show her that he could move on. He needed to show her that he could be a father, a boyfriend, a human.

Their lips met and they kissed gently, mouths moving ever so lightly against each other, the pressure between them just slight, but it communicated everything it needed to. It showed them both that for as long as he had a part of Frank in his life, he could live and love again.