Learn to Live

"Joshua Franceschi, open this window before I break it!”

Josh looked over from where he was laying on his bed to see the girl who had just been yelling at him sitting on the fire escape outside the window of his apartment. He contemplated ignoring her but figured she’d follow through with her threat. He rolled his eyes before walking over to the window and opening it so she could climb through.

“Thanks for hurrying. I really appreciate it,” the girl sarcastically said.

“You know, for such a sweet looking girl you’re pretty sassy,” Josh replied.

“I just climbed a fire escape in the cold so I think I have the right to be sassy.”

“Whatever, Mattie, I didn’t ask you to climb the fire escape and come into my room like a stalker. You should have used the fucking door like everyone else,” Josh spat as he went back over to his bed to lie down.

“You weren’t answering my calls.”

“Take a hint then.”

“You aren’t answering anyone’s calls. Josh, everyone is worried about you.”

“I’m fine so they can stop worrying.”

“Josh, Max called me and asked me to help you. You know you’re not fine when Max is worried,” Mattie argued.

Josh rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything because he knew what she said was true. Max was so happy go lucky and laidback that when he became worried about something or someone everyone knew that it must be serious.

“So what have Max and the other boys been telling you about me?” Josh snapped.

“They said that you’re upset over your and Hanna’s latest break-up and you’re having problems with your record label so you’ve fallen into a depression and refuse to leave or see anyone.”

Josh shrugged instead of answering and Mattie sighed. “Get out of bed Joshua and throw on some warm clothes.”

“Where are we going?”

“Out.”

“Why?”

“Because, Josh, I’m going to teach you how to live again.”

“What do you know about living? You tried to kill yourself.” Josh said and instantly regretted it. He was mad and frustrated with Mattie but that was no reason for him to bring up a subject he was sure she’d rather forget.

Mattie ignored his rude statement though and simply said. “I know a lot more about it than you.”

Mattie began the walk down to her car this time taking the stairs instead of the fire escape. She never once looked back to see if Josh was following, instead just believing that he was.

The pair got into Mattie’s car and were silent for a few minutes until Josh spoke up. “So where are we going?”

“Out of town. You need some time and space to sort some things out and you can’t do that surrounded by people.” Mattie paused. “So what are these problems with Hanna and the record label?”

“Why did the guys call you to help me instead of trying themselves?” Josh chose to ignore her question and ask one of his own.

“Answer my question and then I’ll answer yours.”

“Fine,” Josh sighed. “Hanna and I are done for good. I found out that she cheated on me while we were on tour but then she accuses me of cheating on her. That bird is fucking mental.”

“I never liked her.” Mattie interrupted.

“Then why didn’t you warn me about her?”

“I did! You just chose not to listen. So what’s up with the record label?”

“I have tons of songs written that I’d really like to record for our third album but they’re saying it’s too heavy and dark. They want us to do more things similar to that duet with Chiddy Bang.”

“No. That song was bloody terrible. Definitely not your style at all.”

“I know.” Josh fumed and then continued. “The Hanna break-up and the fallout with the record label all happened around the same time and I didn’t know what to do so I guess I just fell into a depression.

Silence came over them as Mattie thought over Josh’s answers.

“I answered your question so now it’s time for you to answer mine,” Josh suddenly said.

Mattie glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “The guys know about our…special relationship. They know how we can’t stand each other half the time yet I’m one of the only ones you’ll actually open up to and vice versa.”

Mattie’s words made Josh crack his first smile of the day because he knew what she said was true. Mattie and Josh had been neighbors since they were three and their relationship had been rocky from the start. When they first met Josh flung mud on Mattie’s dress and in retaliation Mattie tricked Josh into eating a worm. They were constantly doing things like this to each other and as the years progressed the tricks became more intense but somewhere along the way they became close friends and each other’s confidants.

“Get out of the car, Franceschi. We’re here,” Mattie said as her car came to a stop.

“Whatever you say, Matilda,” Josh smirked.

“Call me Matilda once more and I’ll chop your balls off.”

“Geez, no need to get so violent.”

“You know I hate my name,” Matilda said. “They should not have let my mother name me until the epidural wore off.”

Josh laughed before looking out to see where Mattie had taken him. They were at the top of a high hill with a valley below them. There were a few lights which Josh guessed belonged to houses but otherwise they could see the scenery for miles.

“It’s gorgeous up here,” Josh said.

“I know. It’s my favorite place to go when I need to clear my head and think.”

“So you just sit here by yourself and think?”

“Yep. Occasionally I’ll bring my brother up here with me and we’ll talk but many times I’ll just come by myself. So the two of us can sit here and think and if you feel like talking we can or if not that’s fine too.”

Josh nodded and sat lost in his thoughts. After a few moments he cleared his throat and said, “I’m thinking about quitting You Me At Six.”

“Why?” Mattie asked. There was no judgment in her voice so Josh couldn’t tell for sure what she was thinking.

“I don’t know,” Josh shrugged. “This whole thing with the record label has me thinking that maybe it’s a sign. Maybe it’s time for me to get a real job and act like a grown-up.”

“What kind of job would you get?”

“Something normal…like an accountant.”

At this Mattie burst out laughing. “You suck at numbers, Joshua. I did your math homework for you all throughout school.”

Josh started laughing too. “Okay, maybe not an accountant but something else.”

“Josh, I don’t want to tell you how to run your life but you can’t quit You Me at Six. Think of all the people you’d be letting down….the rest of the guys, your families, your fans. I know this thing with the record company is frustrating but things will get better. Plus singing is what you love. Why would you quit the thing you love?”

Josh sighed. “You’re right. This whole situation is just taking a toll on me and some days I think it would be better to quit You Me at Six. Deep down though I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to stay with You Me at Six and keep fighting for the record that we want.”

Mattie didn’t say anything but Josh saw the smile on her face so he knew she approved of his words.

“Come on, we’re going to do something,” Mattie said as she stood up. “I want you to yell.”

“Yell?” Josh asked.

“Yes, yell whatever you’re feeling or any secrets or anything else you want. Here’ I’ll go first,” Mattie said as she sensed Josh’s hesitation. She took a deep breath and then yelled, “I don’t want to be a doctor!”

Josh looked at Mattie in surprise. “You don’t want to be a doctor anymore? You’ve wanted to be one since you were ten.”

“I realized that I don’t want to be a doctor – my parents want me to be a doctor. I hate science. I decided to switch my major to art and psychology so I can be an art therapist.”

“Good for you Mattie. You’ve always been good at art and good with children.”
“Thanks Josh,” Mattie smiled. “Ok, your turn.”

Josh looked hesitant but took a breath and yelled, “I want a new record label. One that will let us do what we want. But I’m worried we won’t get picked up by any other labels.”

“Do it, Josh. Take a chance. Another label will be more than happy to pick you guys up and let you do what you want.”

Josh and Mattie continued yelling out their fears and secrets enjoying the relief of saying things they both desperately needed to say. They also learned a few things about each other along the way.

“I’m the reason why Dan never took Mattie out on a second date.”

Mattie turned to Josh in shock after hearing what he’d just yelled. “What did you just say?”

Josh looked a bit sheepish. “You know how you and Dan went out on a date but he never asked you out again and you were really upset? That was my fault. Dan really liked you and was going to ask you out again but I told him that you wanted to get married as soon as possible so he got freaked out.”

“You made me sound like a freak and ruined my chances with Dan? Joshua! I really liked him.”

“I know you did, Mattie. I’m sorry and I do feel bad. He knows now that you’re not crazy if that makes it any better. ”

“I guess it’s fine,” Mattie shrugged. “Anyway I’m the reason why Rachel broke up with you in secondary school.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, I told her you were only dating her to make Penelope jealous.”

“That’s a lie though. I liked Rachel. I can’t believe you ruined my chances with her.”

“You ruined my chances with Dan so we’re even,” Mattie smirked.

“Touché.” Josh smirked back. “You were right about this yelling thing helping by the way. I already feel better.”

“I told you so. I can’t take credit for it though. During one of my sessions in rehab my therapist made me come out here and do this. She said I’d bottled my emotions up inside for too long and that I needed to get them out. It honestly helped so much with the healing process after I attempted suicide.”

“Why’d you do it, Mattie?” Josh softly asked on the one topic they hadn’t truly discussed. Mattie had been out of rehab for nearly four months but Josh had been wary of asking her about her suicide attempt. He could remember the day he got the call from her mom saying she was at the hospital after she had been found unconscious with an empty pill bottle beside her. Josh would never forget that feeling; the fear that he might lose one of his best friends. He instantly regretted all the times he should have told her how much he cared for her but didn’t say a word. You Me At Six had been on tour at the time so Josh had immediately told the guys. The whole bus was subdued for days because all the guys were close with Mattie – not as close as Mattie and Josh but still close.

“I was wondering when you were finally going to ask me,” Mattie gave a small smile. “At that time my life was falling apart at the seams. My grades at University weren’t what I wanted them to be, I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, my parents hit me with the news that they were separating, and I had just gone through a bad break-up. Honestly none of those reasons are good enough to attempt what I did but I was at a low point and saw no way out so I took the pills.”

“When I got the call from your mum I felt terrible – all the guys did. Max said it was his fault because he didn’t write you letters when he said he would. He went to the back of the bus and began writing you letters. I think he wrote you at least twenty letters that night. All the guys handled it a bit differently. I went to my bunk and I…I cried. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“I’m sorry I put you and everyone else through that. I was depressed and wasn’t thinking straight. I know that’s not a good excuse but I honestly had hit rock bottom. I’ve realized now though that I’m not ashamed of my suicide attempt. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have done it but I’m not ashamed. It’s brought me to where I am now and I happy with my life again. It’s still a struggle some days but it’s getting so much better. Plus now I can tell people that suicide is not the answer and give my life as an example.”

Josh looked at Mattie in amazement. They’d been neighbors and friends for years but Josh was now seeing a new Mattie. She’d been through so much but came out smiling and better than ever. She realized she'd made a mistake and was working to correct it. She was vulnerable yet strong at the same time. Realization suddenly hit Josh. Standing in front of him was sweet and sassy Mattie with her short hair that would have looked terrible on anyone else but looked gorgeous on her. Mattie, the girl that was yelling at Josh one second and then promising to be his best friend forever the next. She was the reason why he sabotaged all her potential relationships and why Josh never gave all of himself to Hanna. Mattie was Josh’s neighbor and friend that he was in love with but didn’t admit until that very moment.

“Mattie, I love you,” Josh said.

“Yell it.”

“What?”

“If you mean it yell it,” Mattie simply said.

Josh chuckled and shook his head but did as Mattie said. “I love Matilda Catherine Wallace!”

Mattie smiled and wrapped her arms around Josh. “I love you too.”

“If you mean it yell it,” Josh smirked.

“I love Joshua James Alphonse Franceschi!”