Maybe Someday.

The autumn leaves crunch under foot as I make my way down the street. Autumn has never been my favorite season, simply because of everything summer brought to my life, but it’s quickly working its way to the top. I stop and admire the hues of orange, reds, yellows, and browns and can’t help but have this strange sense that everything is okay in the world.

There are so many things to live for and my confusion about Dan shouldn’t be holding me back from life like it is. I should be glad that I’m alive to see another beautiful day. I should be thankful for my family, who, despite our large size and rough history, has a unity and understanding that’s rare. I should be thankful for my educational opportunities, the memories I’ve been lucky enough to create, and everyone who has stood by my side.

The cold breeze brings me back to reality as goosebumps form on my arms. I zip my black North Face up more and pull my hands into my sleeves.

Despite the chilly weather, there’s a family playing at the park. The little boy’s cheeks are a rosy shade of pink, but he doesn’t mind. He’s too engrossed in the game he’s playing with his older sister as his parents observe their children happily.

Oh, to be young.

That reminds me. I should probably call my mom. It’s been far too long since I’ve see her. She’s always been my biggest supporter in life and I’ve been a shitty daughter lately, keeping her out of the loop in almost every aspect of my life. It hasn’t entirely been intentional, exactly. Over the past month and a half I’ve been trying to make things work with Dan, not in a romantic way, but just with our friendship and I know better than anyone that my mom would kill me if she found out. Dan has a lot of haters, for multiple reasons, but my mom’s name is number one on the list of them. She was always the one who dealt with the aftermath of Daniel Bailey’s path of destruction and she knows too much to ever be on good terms with him. Still, since I’ve begun to see the possibility of life without Dan, I assume it’s time to allow my mother back into my life.

Besides, I miss my siblings. I’ve been an even shittier big sister than daughter.

Stepping into the oldest sibling role was one of the hardest transitions I’ve ever been forced to make. It was one of the hurdles Dan helped me over that first summer I met him and for that I’ll always be thankful.

The summer Johnny and Ethan died, I went from being the third oldest to the oldest child in the matter of five hours. Ethan passed away almost immediately upon impact, but Johnny held on for five hours before my parents pulled the plug. It’s still something I struggle with, but it’s something that I’ve had to push aside for the benefit of my younger siblings. I’m supposed to be a role model for them, but I can’t even pull myself together enough to be a part of their lives.

I start the short walk back to my dorm and reflect on everything that's happened in the past five months. The nine weeks I spent at Camp Sedona reminded me of happier times I'd shared with Dan throughout much of our childhood and somehow brought us back together. It upset my parents, but I was selfish enough to believe it would be different this time. My mom informed me that, as much as she loved me, she wouldn't support my decision to allow Dan back into my life again and I told her she could fuck off. It was one of the harshest things I could have done to the woman who devoted her entire being to my happiness and well-being.

I swipe my ID card at the entrance of Millennium Hall and climb the stairs to the third floor, wandering down the hall to room B314. Claire isn't home, so I know I'm safe to make the call.

I curl up on the futon and cover myself with the blanket that's so carelessly laid out on it before dialing the familiar number. It rings four times, enough time for me to start regretting this decision.

"Hello?" She says.

"Mama," I answer, my voice cracking a little in the process.

I can tell she's taken back by the call. "Allie, I wasn't exactly expecting it to be you."

"I know, but I just wanted to hear your voice again, a-and tell you that I'm sorry for everything I've put you through this past year," I stop for a minute and try and collect myself. "And to tell you that I'm done with Dan - for good this time. He's destructive and I see that now. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you; I thought he was a different person, mama."

There's a moment of silence before she heaves a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad you called, Allie. I thought I was being harsh the last time we talked and I couldn't handle what I'd done to our relationship. Come home, we all miss you."

"You don't hate me?" I half joke, half ask for real. I've put her through hell and I acknowledge that fact.

"Allison Elizabeth, you know I don't hate you. Sometimes I don't like the decisions you make, but you're a big girl and need to make mistakes. Dan is, for whatever reason, an important person to you and I know that it's hard to let go of a special friendship, so I know you needed to make a few bad decisions about him. It's okay. I forgive you, just come home and be a part of the family again."

As hard as it is to accept letting go, it's good to know my family is going to stand behind me. It's good to know my mom is there for me again.