Maybe Someday.

I can count on a lot of things about my trips back home. I can count on a swarm of hugs as I walk through the front door. I can count on a home-cooked meal and a family dinner full of catch-up stories. And I can count on my bedroom being the exact same as I left it.

As I pull up in front of the familiar craftsman house on Sycamore Street a feeling of calm rushes throughout my entire body. I’ve missed this place.

I park the car on the street and shove my hands in the pocket of my navy blue hoodie. The October air is colder than usual and the wind whips against my bare cheeks violently. I rush towards the porch and am welcomed at the door by a wall of warm air and the smell of food cooking on the stove.

There’s a faint sound coming from the TV downstairs but voices overpower it.

“Hello?” I say loudly, placing my bag by the door.

“Allie!” Numerous voices sound at once and the sound of feet pounding on the stairs forces me to brace myself.

My youngest half-brother, Eli, is the first to reach me. He’s six. Or seven. I can’t even remember, but I know he’s exponentially bigger than he was the last time I saw him. My brother, Nolan, is next and it honestly surprises me that he still exhibits the same enthusiasm the younger ones have about my visits. He’s taller than me and his shoulders are much broader and they engulf me in a massive hug.

“I missed you,” I say, allowing myself to give in and hug him back.

“Missed you, too, sis.”

Molly, Paige, and Cora rush in to meet me in a hug as Nolan pulls away and I see my mom, step-dad, and two other brothers in the corner of my eye. I give my sisters each a hug and say hello before my mom steps forward and her arms wrap tightly around me, pulling me into her chest.

“It’s good to see you, Allie,” She says, rubbing her hand in a comforting circular pattern on my back. “It hasn’t been the same without you around here.”

I nuzzle my face into her neck and think back to the times her arms and comforting words were the only thing that could calm me down. My mother gave me everything; life, love, support and anything else that I could ever possibly need and I turned around and spat in her face.

“It’s good to be home,” I answer.

When my mom pulls away, I look to my two brothers who stand in the corner awkwardly with their hands shoved deep in the pockets. They eye me, but don’t make a move.

“Get over here, losers,” I say expectantly. “What, are you too cool to hug your big sister?”

“Kinda,” Sam answers.

I shake my head and take a step forward. “Well, that’s too damn bad, loser.”

He smirks, but accepts my hug. Sam’s a year younger than me and is the closest thing I have to a big brother. He’s protective of me and everything that’s happened with Dan in the past upset him just as much as it upset me. The fact that I even gave Dan another chance this past summer was cause for much turmoil in mine and Sam’s relationship which makes me thankful I have such a supportive brother.

Benjamin’s not as easy to coax into a hug. He’s seventeen and at the “too cool” faze of life. I wrap my arms securely around him and feel his body tense.

“Don’t fight it, Benny-boy,” I say, not loosening my grip at all. “Just accept it.”

Ben tries the pat-pat-push technique and I take it with a grain of salt. He at least attempted a hug which is more than he normally does, so I don’t complain. Ben’s never been one for physical contact, so I go out of my way to make him as uncomfortable as possible in the hopes that one day he’ll be able to perform a full-frontal hug with real feeling.

Once I get past the entry way, I haul my bag up the staircase and down the hall to my bedroom. When I turn the doorknob and flick the lights on, it’s the exact same way as it was six months ago, just like I knew it’d be.

There’s a small meow and I feel my cat doing figure eights around my legs. A smile spreads across my face and I immediately bend down to pick him up.

“Boots!” He snuggles into my chest and rubs his face on my cheek; the sound of his purring is loud enough to hear outside in the hall almost.

There’s a multitude of things I missed about being home. I missed my parents, my siblings, and the warm fuzzy feeling you get from unconditional love and acceptance, but there’s more than that. I missed the comfort of my own bed, the organized chaos that is my bedroom, and I missed my cat. I got Boots when I was six years old and he just refuses to die. He’s thirteen and still going strong. Unlike everyone else in my life, who I feel has judged me, Boots has no idea what the hell has been going on, but he still loves me. Sure, it’s simply because he can’t comprehend anything, but he can still love me despite my faults, which have been numerous lately.

After a few moments of snuggle time, I set him down on my bed and decide I should spend time with my family. My brothers, sisters, and step-dad are in the basement family room while my mom finishes dinner and I curl up on the couch next to Paige and watch Sam and Benjamin compete against each other in a game of Call of Duty.

Molly and Eli are sitting on the ground, playing an intense game of Pretty, Pretty Princess while staring each other down. I can’t help but laugh at my brother’s competitive spirit as he laughs in Molly’s face as he puts on a necklace.

Ryan, my step-dad, plops himself down across from me on the sectional and smiles when we make eye contact.

“How are you, Allie?” He asks, allowing Cora to curl up in his lap before spreading a blanket out on top of both of them.

“Well, I’ve been better, but I’m working on it,” I say, trying my best not to think about how bad things have been lately. I’m here, with my family, my support group who loves me no matter what, and that’s a huge step. “How about you?”

“I’ve been pretty good,” He answers, nodding his head up and down a little. “But it’s good to have the Allie-Cat back in commission, huh?”

I nod slowly. “You have no idea.”

Nolan pounds down the stairs and makes a flying leap into the air and onto the couch besides me.

“Oh, but you’re wrong,” He jokes. “We know everything.”

“Shut up, Nolan,” Paige says, reaching across my body and smacking him playfully across the face. “Don’t you be talking about Allie that way!”

I’ve raised her right. Four and a half years old and already full of sass, hell yes.

He scoffs, pretending to be offended, but I can tell he thinks it’s funny. Ryan laughs and shakes his head, accepting the sassiness of his mixed family.

“Dinner!” My mom yells from upstairs.

Remote controls are dropped instantly to the ground, jewelry pieces are thrown across the room carelessly, and bodies race up the stairs for dinner like a stampede of wild animals. My mom is standing in the kitchen, placing the finishing touches on the buffet style serving platters and eyeing us to let us know we better simmer down fast.

“Seriously?” She asks, bewildered at the wild savages that her children have become.

Ben steps forward and reaches around her for a plate, smirking the entire time.

“Benjamin Alexander Ford, I’m about to smack your ass,” She says, completely kidding.

The smirk doesn’t come off his face, it only grows. “Jennifer Lynn Landaus, I’m about to physically move you out of the way so I can get some dinner if you choose not to move yourself first.”

This gives the rest of us grounds to slip around her and grab plates while she stands with her hands on her hips. She shakes her head, but can’t keep up her seriousness. After all, she was the one who raised us. Well, mostly, but still. The sarcasm and sass came from her completely.

I pile food onto my plate; roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a heaping spoonful of Caesar salad and make my way to the dining room. I take my usual seat in between Samuel and Molly and wait for the rest of my family to sit down.

“Do we have to say what we’re thankful for?” Eli asks, eyeing the cut up chicken on his plate. “Because it’s not even Thanksgiving.”

“You know what? Just cause you asked, we’re going to,” Ryan pipes up. “And you can start us off, Eli.”

He groans and thinks about it for a minute. “I’m thankful for forks because otherwise it’d be really hard to eat.”

Everyone chuckles lightly and waits for mom. She takes a minute, but finally says, “I’m thankful for the health of my children because I take it for granted every day and I can’t afford to do that.”

Cora pipes up, “I’m thankful for Dora and kittens and honey nut cheerios and panda bears and ice cream and the color purple and polka dots and football season.”

“Okay then,” Ben says. “I’m thankful that Allie had enough good judgment to use a condom when she slept with Dan.”

“Ben,” My mom’s voice is stern and I can tell she isn’t joking. Ben isn’t exactly the most thoughtful person, but I never thought he’d sink this low. He confuses me so much; one minute he’ll be joking around and kidding and the next he turns on asshole mode and becomes completely vicious and mean-spirited.

“I’m not done, mom,” He says. “You’re being rude, interrupting what I’m thankful for. Like I was saying, I’m thankful Allie wasn’t stupid enough to reproduce with that ass-”

“Benjamin,” Ryan’s voice cuts him off and Ben looks genuinely surprised. Ryan doesn’t often intervene and scold us simply because he still feels awkward about stepping over any boundaries with parenting, but he’s not backing down. “Now that is enough. We’re here to celebrate Allie coming home and have a nice family dinner and you will cut that shit out right now. Got it?”

He pushes his chair away from the table, causing it to scrape against the hardwood floors and create a nasty squeaking noise, and storms out of the room.

Cora clasps her hands over her ears and bursts into tears, upset by the turn of events.

“This is horseshit,” Paige demands, throwing her napkin down on the table and bolting after Benjamin.

“Paige!” Ryan says, but gives up after she rounds the corner. He buries his head in his hands and I can’t help but feel the same way.

“Just eat,” My mom says, throwing her napkin down on the table and excusing herself.

I can’t eat. I’ve lost my appetite. What was supposed to be a nice family dinner turned into a shit show and I bet my mom is in the kitchen having an anxiety attack right about now.

Ryan attempts to console Cora, but is having no luck while Eli looks around the table, bewildered at just how dysfunctional our family is.

“We can’t have one fucking family dinner without this shit,” Samuel says, picking up his plate and pushing in his chair. “I’m sorry, Allie. I’m really glad you’re home. I’m sure everyone but fucking Ben is.”

Silence fills the room and we can hear Paige going off on Ben upstairs.

“She’s home for three days and this is how you choose to spend your time with her? You should be ashamed of yourself, you little,” She pauses. “Fucker!”

Nolan can’t stifle his laughter and bursts out into a fit of giggles. Molly joins in and somehow I end up laughing, too. Even when things get shitty, I can still count on my family to pick up the pieces. Well, some of them. I really don’t deserve such a supportive family. I’ve done the shittiest things humanly possible and for whatever reason I still have a solid support system.

We eat in shifts tonight. Nolan, Molly, Eli, and I eat and then the others shuffle through when they get hungry enough.

Cora and Paige get put to bed early. The fuss over dinner got them so overstimulated they pooped out pretty quickly. We’re supposed to watch a movie as a family, but Benjamin hasn’t shown his face since dinner and I’m convinced he went to dads. I wouldn’t blame him if he did, but he’s probably just holed up in his room in some fit of anger. I wish I understood that boy.

We end up curled up in my bed in front of my laptop, watching the latest stupid youtube videos and entertaining ourselves until we fall asleep. Eli’s out first, then Molly, Nolan, and finally I fall asleep around midnight.

I’m glad I’m home, I just wish there wasn’t so much drama.