Lost Child

Being social was always like a trade-off for me. I tried crawling into my cave, being alone, not having friends. It was alright, no drama, no emotional investment. No rejection and no real need to appear normal and boring. The problem was just that it wore off, and people would make me happy sometimes. We would make each other laugh and it was good; it felt better. But then pain came, regardless. It’s like a tradeoff, loneliness pointing to self-harming tendencies, or heartbreak pointing to self-harming tendencies. I tried loneliness as much as I could, but it wasn’t always successful.
All I could do was try to ease the pain from my inevitable choice to be social.
Don’t get attached.
Don’t get attached.
Don’t get attached.
It was the perfect plan but it proved difficult. I didn’t want them to leave. I didn’t want to be alone again; anything besides being alone.
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I suppose it would be safe to say I was really just a lost child at heart. I blindly stumble around and I look for people because I’m just a lonely little boy, but it doesn’t work like it should and I can’t tell what people are thinking or what they’re going to do next. That makes things really hard, not knowing how someone will react if you do anything to them. It just seemed like there should be a way to control that, to have the upper hand of a social situation so they really do play out like all of the imagined scenarios in your head.
Finding a way can’t be that hard.
I figured it should come to me when it’s needed, in the mean time I had to work on finding a relationship that I could call an actual “friendship,” however one goes about finding those.