How to Be a Princess

"Okay, Okay, OKAY, SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERYONE!!" Madame La Chairwoman screamed, slamming her hammer down on the wooden table.

The occupants of the table let out shrieks of surprise and "What the fucks?!" in response.
Madame La Chairwoman cleared her throat, "I've called you all here today to talk about morals."

"Morals?" Cinderella asked while scrubbing a glass plate (who knows where that came from.)

"Yes...Ugh WILL YOU STOP CLEANING ALREADY? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" Madame snapped smacking the plate out of the blondes hand.

Cinderella immediately teared up and began to sob, wiping her snotty and teary face on her sparkly blue dress. "Why is everyone so mean to me?" she wailed, leaning against Snow White who pulled back with a look of pure disgust.

Madame groaned and pointed wildly at the crying princess. "This is why you guys are here! None of us have any backbone! We're all wimps! None of our stories have any good morals!"

"Who cares? Our stories are over!" Jasmine yelled and Aurora slapped her upside the head.

"Says the girl, who appeared in like fifty fucking movies! And they're about to make your movie 3d!" the drowsy princess snarled

"Ow! Don't touch me you drugged up bitch!" Jasmine cried and dug her fingers into Sleeping Beauty's hair.

"Eek! Stop it, you trashy belly dancing whore!"

The girls then proceeded to start a fight right on top of the table. "STOP IT!!" Madame screeched breaking the two apart.

"Fighting each other will not solve any problems!" she growled then pointed to Snow White.

"Snow, what is the moral of your story?" she asked, hoping for a heartfelt speech on unity and loyalty.

"Oh that's easy!" the black haired princess added while stroking the chin of a wolverine that had followed her in. "If you offer your services to a group of strange men, you'll get what you want!"

Silence ensued.

"Oh god why did I even- Um, Cinderella! What's the moral of your story?"

The blonde princess had somehow managed to acquire another plate and was furiously scrubbing it to perfection when the chairwoman called on her.

"Oh...Um. Never obey authority figures...Um...Party hard at late hours of the night..and um Marry some guy who can't even remember your face?" she asked hopefully

Madame groaned and pointed at Sleeping Beauty, "Aurora?"

Jasmine jabbed the passed out princess in the side then snickered when said princess shot up with a trail of drool dripping from her mouth. "Sticking yourself with dirty needles, can really fuck you up...But then a hot guy will come alone and kiss you so its all good in the end," she murmured and went back to sleep.

"Oh for fucks sakes! Ariel?!" Madame cried staring at the red headed girl who was currently using a red hot fork to perm her hair.

"Riches and a throne are great. But when you see a better fate. Toss your kingdom to a witch. Then go to your prince. Oh shit I'm such a bitch." the mermaid trilled

"Will you please stop singing every fucking word you goddamn sushi!" Mulan roared

"Fuck you tranny!" the mermaid trilled again, flicking the warrior with her tail. "Why are you even here? You aren't a princess, you're just a cash cow!"

But before Mulan could drive her sword into the mermaids heart, Belle stood up and stated loudly, "It's my turn to say the moral of my story!" then she turned to Madame. "Right?"
Madame nodded and waved for her to continue.

"The moral of my story was, that there is no such thing as an abusive man, only a man that can change!"

"Before or after your dead?" Tiana snickered

Before they could begin arguing Madame turned to Jasmine pleadingly, "Jasmine, please tell me that your moral is at least encouraging to young children."

Jasmine shrugged and whipped her braid so that it smacked Aurora in the face. "Ow! You fucking s-

The princess then shimmied up to where Madame was sitting and looked all of the other princesses in the eyes. "Marry the homeless one. He has a genie." she said and sat back down

"Are you kidding me? Does no one here have a good moral to share?" Madame cried

Pocahontas stood up and when Jasmine quirked her eyebrow in preparation to make a quip, the Native American princess whacked her on the head with her staff.

"The moral of my story is to only accept different people when you realize one of the potential dangers to your homeland is kind of pretty fucking hot!" she laughed, high five-ing Tiana and Rapunzel who laughed along with her.

Madame glowered at the trio and fixed her gaze on Mulan. "I know you aren't a princess but your story must of had at least one good moral for little girls!"

Mulan thought for a minute and then grinned, proudly. "Dress like a dude, in a society that doesn't accept strong willed women--

"Stop, stop stop! I know where this is going and I don't like it." Madame snapped and pointed at Tiana.

The green clad girl shrugged and stood up, and slammed her hands down on the table. "Contrary to popular belief, overworking yourself does pay off. BUT. Do not and I repeat. Do NOT marry a guy who is stupid enough to make a deal with a creepy voodoo shaman. You're life will become fucked and no matter how much you try, you will never forget what flies taste like and you will always crave them! Oh and make friends with bugs and crocodiles, cause its totally safe."
...

"I give u-

"Wait!" Rapunzel yelled wrapping her hair around Madame's mouth. "I haven't said my moral yet!"

"Rapunzel, you're choking her," Tiana pointed out and the golden haired princess dropped the chairwoman back into her seat. The woman had indeed turned purple as she had struggled to break free of the long haired princess's magical golden extensions.

"Oh, sorry. Anyway the moral of my story is to automatically believe that you are somehow related to a woman who looks nothing like you and to allow a strange but attractive man to escort you all the way to a place you've never been to then proceed to fall in love with him even after finding out that his real name is Eugene-

"Shut up." Madame growled "Look at yourselves! You're all pitiful! And our reputation as Disney princesses! It's horrible! We need a better princess. A stronger princess! A princess to learn from our mistakes!"

"And a hotter prince!" Cinderella chirped

"No way! Why does there have to be a prince? Make her a lesbian!" Mulan yelled

"There can't be a lesbian in medieval times! She'll get burned at the stake!" Snow White yelled back

"Why does it have to be in medieval times?" Tiana snapped

"QUIET!!" Madame growled. "We will vote on how the princess will turn-

"I'M HERE!" Everyone turned to look at a teenage girl who was leaning against the doorway panting. She had a long wooden bow, along with some arrows strapped to her back and-

"Oh my gawd a soulless ginger!" Cinderella shrieked and Snow White silenced her with a look.
The girl sauntered over and plopped down next to Mulan who gave her a long appreciative look. "Hey there, I'm Fa Mulan," she said, scooting closer to the girl who just smiled nervously.

"Uh...I'm Merida."

As soon as she said her name everyone went "Ooh!" all at once, except for Jasmine who demanded why she was there due to her belonging to Pixar more than Disney.

"Cause Pixar's making anoother Toy story so, I thought I'd come'ere." she said simply, swinging her legs on top of the table.

"Alright, fine fine. Merida you can help us make the new princess, since your story was pretty good." Madame said nodding.

"A neew princess?" Merida asked curiously

"Yes, because all of morals aren't good enough apparently," Snow White explained with a huff.

Madame rolled her eyes and passed out papers for all of them. "I want you guys to write traits or draw what you think the princess should look like and then give them back to me when I come back. No fighting while I'm gone." she snapped, staring at Jasmine who just smirked.

"So the drawing option is for Jasmine, Mulan and Pocahontas right? Because they don't know how to write." Ariel concluded

"We know how to write!" All three of the mentioned princesses yelled.

"Yeah, in your language that nobody knows, Mulan. And don't your people like draw shapes to communicate, Polka Hunter? Plus, I've seen Arabic, Jasmine. It's just a bunch of squiggly lines and dots. English is the way to go guys." Ariel said curtly.

"For your information, mandarin Chinese is the most spoken language in the world." Mulan snapped

Pocahontas smacked Ariel's fin with her staff, "Stop calling me Polka Hunter! My name is Pocahontas!"

Jasmine just whipped Ariel with her braid.

"Well if its so popular why can't I speak it?" Ariel said back, smirking.

"Alright ladies! STOP FIGHTING NOW!" Madame yelled as she slammed the door on her way out.

The girl's ceased their fights but didn't hesitate to glower at each other from across the table.