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How to Be a Princess

Time for a Vaca

“That was,” Madame repeated, leaning over the podium and making sure to look each princess in the eye before letting out a bark of laughter. “I actually have no idea.”

“Fuck you then!” Quinn snapped. The fact that some stupid ass dwarf creature had almost beat her in fight, enraged her. No one, beat her. Ever. Except for maybe Mulan or Snow White, but that was only because Mulan was a martial arts lesbian and Snow White was fucking psychotic.

“So what now?” Pocahontas asked “Does she have to go back and do that story over again, cause if she does I’m out. I have three not so fresh corpses in my teepee waiting to be scalped.”

The princesses near the Native American woman leaned away, surprised at her less then subtle-ness. Pocahontas wasn’t the gentlest or ‘purest’ of the princesses, but she didn’t say things outright. Of course there were hints that she did in fact do things that involved killing, like blood under her finger nails or wet, dark brown spots on her moccasins.

“Well damn, bitch not even on the down low.” Jasmine muttered

Savages, savages barely even human.” Ariel sang under her breath and Pocahontas lunged at the mermaid.

“Fuck did you just call me? I will douse you in fucking tartar sauce, bitch!” Pocahontas yelled as she whacked Ariel in the head with her staff, causing the mermaid to flail and splash water all over Tiana.

“This hairstyle cost me two hundred dollars, you fucking slut!” the soaked princess yelled.
Mulan burst into laughter at the sight and Tiana rounded on her. “Shut the fuck up, opium field.” She hissed, sticking her tongue out childishly.

Mulan stopped laughing abruptly and flipped Tiana the bird, “Do not get me started on you, LaTatiananika.” The Asian princess sneered.

Within seconds, nearly everyone in the room was screaming and fighting each other, except Madame and Quinn who were hanging back and watching. Madame was waving her hands in the air, trying to get everyone to stop and calm down, while Quinn was watching and egging the princesses on even more.

“Asians are responsible for the lack of whales in the sea!” she would call to Ariel. “Everyone laughs at France.” She would whisper to Cinderella and Belle and watch the two yank at Rapunzel’s extensions. Even Merida was throwing punches and screaming obscenities in a language that could have been English but her accent made it hard to tell.

“Would you please stop this!” Madame pleaded to Quinn and the teen sighed.

“Fine.” She growled. She loved seeing people beat the shit out of each other but they did need to focus on the task at hand. “EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN! It’s obvious that we all hate each other, but the sooner we finish this the sooner we can say goodbye forever.” She snapped, and bit by bit everyone began to calm down.

Finally they were all seated, some by themselves and some returning to their previous groupings.
“Now then, I’m confident that the dwarf monster from Snow White’s story is stuck there, so we can go on to the next story.” Madame began but stopped when she realized that another fight was probably going to start. The girls had never been good at agreeing on who would go next. “I will use this atlas” she pointed at a map tacked onto the far wall “and the place I point to will determine what story Quinn goes to next.”

Madame closed her eyes, spun herself around for a few seconds then slapped her hand against the map. “Iraq! So Jasmine it is!”

“Terrorist.” Ariel snipped and Jasmine slapped her upside the head before approaching Quinn.

“Okay Q, listen up. Since the whole story is basically about Aladdin and that weird ass genie, you get to do whatever the hell you want for a few days. Think of it as a vacation with woman haters, in the closet authority figures, and all around freak shows.” The Arab princess explained as they approached the story portal.

Quinn grinned happy to hear that she would be able to kick back and relax for awhile. Killing all those people in Snow White’s story had really worn her out.

Madame plugged the Story Portal in again, and Quinn stepped inside.

She woke up on a round bed, surrounded by different size and color pillows and a striped—

“Oh Fuck, it’s a tiger.”