How to Be a Princess

“Your name is what?” Quinn asked

“Charizard and I—

“Don’t you mean, Shahrazad?” Quinn asked

“No, I mean Charizard. That is my name, who is Shahrazad?” the woman asked, seemingly annoyed.

“She-Wh- Fucking Disney! Never mind go on.” Quinn sighed, rolling her eyes.

“I have been chosen by your father, the Sultan to be his bride, and I know he wants someone who looks like his dead wife, but I look nothing like her so I wore this burka. But he also wants someone who acts like his wife and I know nothing about her!” Charizard wailed.

Quinn glanced at Raja for answers, as she knew absolutely nothing about Jasmine’s mom. The bitch wasn’t even included in the fucking movie!

“As is custom in this land all your mother did was stay silent in the presence of males but when she did talk she would tell your father stories. And as your father is a little idiot, the stories would keep entertained for days on end. “ Raja whispered and Quinn repeated it to Charizard, minus the little idiot part.

Charizard’s eyes lit up, and she clapped her hands happily. “Oh thank you so very much! I will tell him the story of Ashwatthama a young warrior who traveled across the land searching far and wide, looking for pishachas*.”

…

Quinn stared at Charizard who stared back at her unblinkingly. “Wha- What? Oh come on!” she growled, throwing up her hands. “Fine! Fine, whatever! Even if you do manage to entertain…my dad for awhile, he’s gonna want to see your face eventually.”

Charizard grinned at that and her face seemed to turn a light shade of red. “Well, actually I have an American sweetheart who promised to come and take me back to America with him. He is just the sweetest—

Quinn shook her head and pointed at the door. “I don’t- I don’t care, I helped you out and now I am going to enjoy the rest of my vacation. Good luck telling my dad the story about the pokemon.”

“Not pokemon, pishachas!”

“Whatever!” Quinn snapped and slammed the door in Charizards face.

The next few hours were filled with Quinn and Raja gorging on fruit and some meat that they had found, while throwing various vegetables at people in the courtyard. Things were going quite well, until night came and they had to return to Quinn’s room.

Suddenly everything froze and Madame la Chairwoman poofed into the room. She seemed nervous and sweat was dripping down her face.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Quinn grunted

“Look, Quinn. I know you are enjoying this vacation, but I kind of want to get things moving, so I’ve decided to accelerate the story a bit.”

“What?!” Quinn yelled and flung a pillow and a plate of grapes at Madame who poofed away just in time. “SON OF BITCH!” Quinn shrieked, as the scene in front of her changed.

Suddenly Raja was gone and she was in a large room with her father and several old guys. The majority of them were staring at her like she was a piece of meat, while a few others ventured closer to poke her in various places.

She grabbed one of the men’s hands and twisted it until he began crying out in pain. “Get the fuck away from me before I rip your balls off.” She snarled and the man stumbled backwards quickly.

“Jazzy! Behave yourself and stop trying to injure the Sultan of Sand Dunes!” her father yelled and she flicked him off.

“Fuck you. Fuck you. And definitely fuck you.” She snapped flipping the bird at her father and everyone else in the room before storming out.

She thought about going to find Raja, but she couldn’t find the hall that her room, so when she saw the door leading outside of the palace she headed towards it and found herself in a totally different scene.

I’m not even going to say anything. She thought as she walked through the market that had suddenly appeared in front of her.

Now that her vacation was over, Quinn planned to reach the ending of this story quickly so she could get back to the meeting room and hopefully relax there. But as she hadn’t seen Jasmine’s movie, or thought to ask her about it, she didn’t know how to make the story move forward.

“Madame?” she called out, ignoring the people who were giving her funny looks. “Tiana? Jasmine? Get the fuck down here!” she yelled and the scene froze.

Suddenly Mulan appeared, “Hola, bitchachos.”

Quinn rolled her eyes, “I’m going to ignore that. Anyway, I need to know how to progress in this story. What do I have to do to meet Allan?”

“Aladdin.” Mulan corrected her. “And you have to steal something from that guy.” She said pointing to a large man standing in front of a cart of apples.

“That’s it? Cool.”

Mulan stopped her before she could walk off. “But you have to let Aladdin save you. You can’t punch that dude in the face or rip his beard off. You have to stay there and act like a pussy.”

Fuck. Quinn thought, but nodded anyway. It’s not like anyone she cared about was here, so she wouldn’t be ruining her reputation.

Mulan disappeared and the scene started up again. Quinn strode towards the man with the apple cart, shoving a hungry looking orphan out of her way in the process. She snatched up an apple and bit into it, then started walking away. Suddenly, the man grabbed her and twisted her around.

“You dare steal from me, the great Shazam? Friend of the guards of Agrabah?” the man roared unsheathing the sword on his belt. Quinn simply stared back at him coolly, while munching on the apple.

“How dare you raise your eyes to me you vile temptress! I will put you in your place!” Shazam continued, raising the sword above Quinn’s head.

Hold on. This is definitely not supposed to happen. Where the fuck is Aladdin?!