How to Be a Princess

“STOP!”

Quinn breathed a sigh of relief when the commanding tone of the speaker stopped the apple cart shopkeeper in his tracks. Quinn backed up a few paces and craned her neck in an attempt to spot Aladdin over the tops of the heads of the crowd, but she couldn’t spot him. In fact, she didn’t even think he or his stupid monkey was there!

“How dare you raise your sword against this succulent cow?” the voice roared

Cow?!

“Cows are very valuable, you know this! They give us children and makes us food!” as the voice grew nearer, Quinn got an eyeful of her ‘savior’. A huge man almost 6’0 ft. with a white turban wrapped around his head. He was clad in something that resembled a black toga with a golden sash running across his chest. His face was twisted into an ugly toothy scowl, and Quinn could see that he was missing one of his teeth.

The man stepped forward, shoving the shopkeeper out of his way and grabbing hold of Quinn’s arm. “For her crimes this cow has lost her limited freedom and now has to come live in my pasture!” the man announced, smirking a little at his lame joke.

This is not supposed to happen! Quinn thought, her anger at Aladdin’s awol-ness enraging her even further.

Before she could protest or even knee the guy in the crotch, she was picked up and hoisted onto the man’s shoulder. “What the fuck?!” she shrieked, hating how damsel-esque she probably looked.

The man jostled her so that the wind was knocked out of her and chuckled when she stopped struggling. “Don’t worry cow, you will like my home, and my wives who also happen to be my cousins.” The man grunted.

“The fuck? You're one nasty—“ Quinn began, but was unable to finish as she was suddenly and unceremoniously dumped onto the ground.

“Here we are, welcome to my palace! Wives!” the man yelled and clapping his hands, and suddenly three women, who looked oddly like the man sashayed out of the house. Well it wasn’t really a house, more like a hut and a bungalow had a drunk night together.

“This is my new wife, treat her nicely and properly cloth her in multiple layers of fabric so her elbows, cheek bones, and knees don’t arouse me.”

The women crowded around Quinn, tugging and pushing her towards the house, but stopped when the man- who Quinn had yet to learn the name of suddenly grabbed her.

“Tell me your name!” he ordered

Quinn pursed her lips, but figured she’d go along with the guy so she could escape later. “My name’s Quinn.”

“Quinn, hm...That’s a horrible name, it sounds foreign! It sounds like the name of an American swine!” he yelled, shook his fist in the air and began ululating. And just as he began, his wives started it up to.

Quinn covered her ears and glared.

“You will now be known as Baqarah.” The man snapped and stalked away. His wives began giggling uncontrollably as they led Quinn to the hut.

“What the hell is Baqarah?” she demanded, and one of the wives made a sound similar to that of a cow—

[]iAs soon as I get out of here and kill Aladdin, I am going to slaughter these fuckers. Quinn thought.

After forcefully bathing her and giving her at least five dresses to put on, the wives turned in for the night. Quinn crept around the hut for a bit, before going to bed as well. She wouldn’t be able to escape that night, because of the insane amount of dogs that the man- Quinn had learned that his name was Razoul- had guarding the house.



Quinn woke up to screams and wails of complete and utter agony. The wives were nowhere to be seen, but Quinn could hear them screaming as well as multiple howls and something that may have been a chainsaw. Which was weird because—Wait, you know what, this is Disney. Anything could fucking happen. She thought.

Suddenly the beads in her door way where torn down and she braced herself for whatever was going to come through it. Her eyes widened, as a tall man with a curly black beard and a sleazy looking parrot sitting on his shoulder. There was blood dripping off of the staff that the man was holding as well as his red and black robe.

“What the hell...?” Quinn muttered slowly.

“Princess,” the man began, his face splitting into a malicious looking grin. “I, Jafar the Royal Vizier of Agrabah have come to rescue you.”

Quinn’s jaw dropped and she suddenly found that she couldn’t speak, but when the man held out his hand for her to take, she didn’t hesitate to grab it...And follow him outside where a sinister looking camel was waiting.

The man lifted her onto the camel and then got on behind her, and they began to make their way back to the palace in silence.

But Quinn’s mind was swimming with thoughts. And the most prominent thought was this;

I think I’m in love.