How to Be a Princess

Madame la Chairwoman dropped the hookah pipe that Pocahontas had leant her, in surprise. She hadn’t thought of this. Well she had, but and she had hoped but she hadn’t hoped it would turn out like this! Quinn falling in love? Sure, that was pretty great. Quinn falling in love with the bad guy? That was a recipe for disaster. She had to stop this, and she had to do it quickly.

“Girls, this is bad! This is really bad! Quinn is supposed to fall in love with Aladdin or at least pretend, and that idiot hasn’t even arrived yet!” Madame cried, taking a deep breath of whatever Pocahontas had put into the pipe.

Jasmine quirked an eyebrow, “I don’t see how that’s bad, I mean, Aladdin is a dirty hobo who constantly talks to a possibly rabid pet monkey—

“And Jafar is a creepy, maniacal evil genius who apparently stirs Quinn’s gumbo pot, so what’s the big deal?” Tiana interrupted.

“The big deal is that we are supposed to be teaching little girls important lessons—

“Well then the lesson of this story is to go with the cooler and possibly richer guy.” Rapunzel piped up.

Madame glowered at her, “We are teaching them to develop positive morals not become gold diggers.”

Ariel slapped the surface of the water in her bowl, splashing half of the princess’s and Madame in the process. “There’s nothing wrong with being a gold digger.”

“You would know.” Jasmine sneered, but before they could have at each other, Madame cleared her throat.

“The point is that Quinn cannot fall in love with the antagonist, as she is the protagonist!”

Cinderella groaned and held her head, “Why’re you using such big words!” she whined, and Mulan snorted.

“Jasmine, I need you to go and stop Quinn before she gets in too deep.” Madame ordered.

“Why do I have to go? Why can’t Mulan go? Or Merida? They haven’t done shit to contribute to this fucking cause.” Jasmine snapped, folding her arms across her chest.

“I’m quite suure that if we went, we would get killed.” Merida stated, gesturing at her bow and Mulan’s assorted weapons. “Besides youu knoow that area beetter than we doo.”

Mulan nodded in agreement and Jasmine sighed. “Fine, but I’m not going alone! Someone has to come with me.”

Everyone except for Ariel immediately scrambled to get away from the table effectively stopping themselves from being chosen. All except for one.

Jasmine grinned and whipped her braid across the top of Aurora’s head. “Let’s go druggie.” She said with mock cheer, and dragged the still somewhat drowsy girl to the portal.

“Why...the...fuck...do I have to...go. Let’s do a redo...” Aurora whined haltingly.

Madame shook her head, “Actually it’ll work better this way.”

“Why?” Aurora groaned.

“Because Ariel’s a fucking fish, Mulan and Merida are too close to being lesbians to survive in the middle east, Cinderella’s a dumbass, Pocahontas’s knees can be seen, Rapunzel’s weird ass is still on ecstasy, I keep forgetting that Belle exists,” Jasmine took a deep breath before going on, “Snow White’s still pissed because we slaughtered her animals friends, and not surprisingly, Tiana’s just a really fast runner.”

“Fuck you!” Tiana shrieked when she got the reference, but before she could launch Pocahontas’ spear at the Middle Eastern princess, the story portal turned on and the two disappeared.