My One and Only

It’d been over a week since Nicole had returned from the hospital, and during majority of that time, she’d stayed locked away in the guest room at Harry and Louis’ flat. She slept most of the time and only forced herself to leave the room to use the loo. She barely ate more than a piece of bread and some crackers every day, causing her to lose all her pregnancy weight and then some. Harry, along with everyone else, was really worried about her. She’d fallen into an unhealthy depression and the only emotion she revealed was sadness.

Nicole was constantly having terrible nightmares that resulted in her crying and screaming for however long it took until she finally woke herself up. The dreams weren’t only affecting Nicole though; Harry could clearly hear her shrieks from down the corridor, keeping him awake for most of the night as well, but sadly there wasn’t anything he could do. Whenever he tried to help her, it seemed he only made the situation worse. Since getting back from the hospital, Nicole wanted nothing to do with him.

It wasn’t like Harry had expected things to quickly go back to normal with Nicole, but he’d assumed they would’ve made more progress by now. It seemed losing the baby completely broke Nicole, and she didn’t have room for anyone else in her life anymore—especially not Harry. Nicole hadn’t spoken a word to him once receiving the news about her miscarriage and even refused to look at him.

Harry had convinced himself that he and Nicole were supposed to be together in a soul-mate type way, but he was starting to realize he might be wrong. If she couldn’t physically stand to be in the same room as him, he didn’t foresee them having any chance at a future together. Every day he tried to mend their relationship and help her to stop being so hard on herself, but that only lead to her pushing him further away.

In the matter of a couple days, One Direction was booked to leave for tour, and Harry was scared to death that if he left without fixing things with Nicole, that would be the end of them. He couldn’t begin to imagine his life without her, but the idea was slowly starting to settle with him because at this point in time, all his hope for a future with Nicole had practically vanished.

“How is she?” Harry asked eagerly once Emily appeared in the living room. The usually energetic blonde offered him a half-smile before shrugging her shoulders.

“She’s sad.”

Harry ran his tongue between his lips and his eyes found the floor. He rocked back and forth on his heels as he tried to think of something to say. He wasn’t necessarily angry with Emily’s response, but he had been hoping for her to say something a little more positive.

“So, she won’t be coming to dinner?”

“Nope, but stop worrying. She’s going to be okay.”

Harry wanted to trust Emily, but a sickening feeling in his gut continued to tell him that things weren’t going to be okay, especially not between him and Nicole.

“I really want to believe you.”

“Then believe me, Harry,” she took a step forward and rested her hand on his shoulder. Harry slowly looked up from his feet to meet her green-bean colored eyes. “I’m going to take good care of her while you and the lads are away and before you know it she’ll be back to normal!”

“But that’s it!” he exclaimed loudly, causing Emily’s eyes to widen in surprise. “If I leave without any resolution between us I’m sure things will ever go back to normal.”

Emily released a heavy sigh before she rested her hands on her hips. Usually, she was as non-confrontational as possible, but Harry was really starting to irritate her. He didn’t care about Nicole’s wellbeing. All he cared about was having her as his girlfriend again to make himself happy.

“Stop being so selfish, dammit!”

“Excuse me?”

“Nicole is in a horrible place right now and you don’t really seem to care. You want her to be your girlfriend again, and I get that, but she’s clearly not ready.”

“I know she’s not ready, and I’m not trying to rush her healing process, but she won’t even look at me! I lost a baby, too, but I’m choosing to try and move on, and she can’t dwell on this forever.”

“You don’t understand!” Emily yelled, throwing her hands up in the air. The various people in the kitchen all stopped what they were doing to try and hear the argument happening in the other room, but Emily and Harry were too heated to notice the eavesdroppers. “You may have lost a baby too, but it’s not the same, especially not when it comes to Nicole. She loved the baby a lot more than she let on. Every time she threatened to put it up for adoption, you and I both know that was nothing more than a threat. This baby was her chance for endless happiness, and just like all the other people she’s ever truly cared for, the baby was taken away from her in one of the worse ways possible.”

Harry pressed his lips in a tight line as he bit the inside of his cheek. He couldn’t argue that Emily wasn’t right. Every word she’d said was the complete and utter truth, and Harry felt horrible about it. He knew Nicole wasn’t okay, and he knew it was going to take time for her to physically and mentally heal, but he’d been so focused on patching up his relationship with the girl he loved he’d forgotten to put her needs first.

“I’m such an idiot.”

“Can’t argue with you there,” Emily quipped with a smile hanging from her lips. “This is going to take time, but if you really love Nick as much as you claim, you should being willing to wait for her to figure all this out.”

“As long as it takes.” Harry replied honestly, feeling like he could truly spend majority of his life waiting for Nicole to be his again as long as he got to spend the last days of his life in her arms. “I’m so happy she has you as a friend.”

“She’s a truly special person, and I’m going to try my very best never to overlook that.”

“Thank you.” Harry said, genuinely smiling for the first time in days.

“Em, Harry?” Eleanor said as she appeared from the kitchen. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything-” it was obvious she’d been listening for quite a few minutes, waiting for the opportune time to enter the room and interrupt them. “-But dinner is ready.”

“Thank goodness I’m starving.” Emily replied, following the brunette into the kitchen with Harry on her heels.

All five boys in One Direction and their girlfriends decided to have one last meal together before the lads went off on tour. Because Harry and Louis’ flat was the biggest, it was an easy decision to have the dinner there. Also, Harry wasn’t keen on leaving Nicole completely alone in order to eat somewhere else—even if it was only for a couple hours.

Everyone avoided the topic of their friend sitting in the bedroom down the corridor, knowing that it would only cause Harry to become upset. By now, Harry had told them all about the baby Nicole and him were supposed to have, and although Niall was annoyed that his best friend and ex-girlfriend had been lying to him for the last couple months, he joined the others in expressing all their sympathy. Liam had even suggested that Harry miss the first few weeks of tour, after all the boys had gone without a member before when Zayn missed a few concerts earlier that year due to a family emergency, but Harry had declined his offer. Especially after talking with Emily, Harry knew the best thing for him to do was to leave for tour and give Nicole her space. He could only cross all his fingers and toes in hopes that once he returned, she’d want to finally fix their relationship.

As the eight of them talked mindlessly about football and the strange foods the boys hoped to try in America, a frail Nicole crept down the corridor before eventually tip-toeing into the dining room. All eyes turned to her as she gripped the closest chair possible to keep from falling over. Her olive eyes darted around the table, but managed to avoid the green pair that so desperately desired her attention. Slowly, a small smile crept on her lips, and everyone else returned the gesture.

“If Niall hasn’t already eaten it all, I would love some food.”

At first, no one said a word. The fact that she was out of bed and joking with them completely caught them by surprise. Within a few seconds, Danielle jumped to her feet, and yanked Liam up along with her.

“Of course honey—babe, get her a plate!” Danielle rushed to pull up and extra chair while Liam got a plate and some silverware from the kitchen. Nicole kept smiling the entire time, even though the mere action seemed to be taking every bit of energy from her.

Eleanor and Emily helped with getting her a decent helping of food on her plate and Zayn fetched Nicole a glass of water. Niall and Louis sat smiling and insisting every few seconds that that were ‘so happy she’d decided to join them’, and during this entire time, Harry didn’t move or say a thing. He sat transfixed, staring at the girl he loved more than anything in the world, willing her to look at him, but she wouldn’t even turn her head in his direction. It was like she didn’t even know he was there, and that hurt him more than anyone was aware.

The dinner crept by slowly. The conversation was filled with small-talk, and everyone mindfully tip-toed around any and all subjects that slightly related to hospitals, cars, accidents, and most importantly babies. Nicole didn’t say much, attributing to the conversation with only a few head nods and forced laughs. She didn’t eat much of her food, and instead pushed it from one side of her plate to the other in an attempt to look like she was eating something. Everyone tried not to pull attention to her obvious ignorance of Harry by not asking many direct questions and only offering general statements. There wasn’t one person who wasn’t completely relieved once the dinner was over, and the boys even offered to clear the table and wash dishes to avoid any more of the awkwardness Nicole was inescapably causing.

The girls reluctantly settled in the living room, not really sure what to talk about with Nicole. There wasn’t much they could say without taking a risk to make their friend more upset, making it almost impossible to hold a conversation.

“While the blokes are gone, I think we should have a spa day! A little pampering will do us all some good.” Eleanor insisted, taking a sip from her wine in order to avoid talking again for a moment or so.

“That sounds brilliant!” Danielle insisted, and Emily nodded her head.

“What do you think Nick?” Emily asked, turning to her friend. Nicole looked on the verge of tears, but all three girls pretended not to notice. They figured the best way to approach the situation was to act as normal as possible.

“I would love to join you.”

“Awesome! Feel free to bring Sage too!” Eleanor added, and Emily gave her an irritated look. Emily wasn’t one to admit to being jealous, but she’d thought she’d made it pretty clear she didn’t like Sage, for obvious reasons , but also she didn’t trust her not to treat Nicole poorly again.

“I mean, if you really want.” Eleanor added, hoping Emily would stop giving her dirty looks.

“Maybe.” Nicole replied, but she didn’t seem all too interested in what any of the girls were saying.

Eventually the conversation turned to the latest episode of ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ until the boys finally finished with the dishes. At this time, Nicole excused herself back to her room, already completely exhausted from being around people.

The minute her face hit the pillow, the tears she’d been holding back all night started to fall, and she couldn’t have even attempted to stop them if she’d wanted to. She hated feeling like this. She hated being sad all the time and literally feeling like dying. Things weren’t supposed to be this way. She was supposed to be pregnant, and in a few months she was supposed to have a baby, and after that her and Harry were supposed to be a family, but none of that seemed likely anymore.

She couldn’t even look at Harry, and although she knew it wasn’t fair for her to take all her anger out on him and ignore his constant pleas for her attention, she just couldn’t bring herself to stop hating him. Her head was telling her she was stupid, that none of this was his fault, and that it was God’s will that her baby was taken from her, but her heart told her differently. Her heart ached. Her heart was broken in a million pieces from both Harry lying to her and the car accident. She wanted to forgive him, she really did, but right now, hating him was so much easier.

There were only a few solutions to her problem, and none of them seemed pleasing to her. First, she could move-out and try her best to forget Harry Styles ever existed. Secondly, she could try to stay friends with Harry but move on. Obviously it was going to be hard for her to trust him again, so a relationship would be extremely difficult to work out, but a friendship—she could probably manage a friendship. And thirdly, she could forgive and forget everything Harry had done wrong and be with him again. She wanted the third option so badly, but unfortunately, that one seemed less likely out of all of them.

She knew she needed to at least try and make things right with Harry, even if it only lead to friendship or some form of it. He’d been in her life for so long and had impacted her in so many ways, forgetting him seemed pretty much impossible, and she didn’t necessarily want to have to get rid of him in her life completely. But she knew if she didn’t stop pretending like he didn’t exist every time he tried to talk to her, it was possible she would lose him forever.

Nicole had been crying so hard she hadn’t even heard everyone leave. She was actually quite surprised when someone knocked on her door, and she would have pretended to be asleep if she hadn’t been crying so loudly—it was no secret she was wide awake.

“Come in,” she croaked, finding it hard to speak from her uneasy breathing

Her door swung open and Harry appeared. He watched her from the doorway for several seconds until finally taking a few steps inside.

“Sorry to bother you, I just wanted to let you know I have an early rehearsal tomorrow and won’t be home until the afternoon. Eleanor is staying the night, though, and she promised to check up on you in the morning before she leaves. Also, I’ll be sure to give me phone to Paul like usual, and as you know, I’ve instructed him to take any phone calls from you in case of an emergency or something. No matter what I’m doing, I always have time for you.”

Once Harry finished, the room fell silent, and he stayed stationary, hoping Nicole would say something—anything, really. He didn’t even mind if she yelled at him. Some sort of response was better than nothing.

She continued to stare out the window like she hadn’t heard a word he’d said, and after roughly five minutes, he concluded she wasn’t going to respond.

“Well, I just wanted you to know that. Goodnight, Coley.”

“Harry,” she whispered, and was quite surprised when he spun around after obviously hearing her.

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” She told him, something she’d been wanting to say for the last few days, but been too upset to do so. “Thank you for everything. I know I’ve been a burden-”

“No, no Coley. Not at all.”

She offered him a smile, the first smile she’d given him since he’d come to see her at the hospital. “You don’t have to lie. I’m a complete train-wreck and you’ve been nothing but nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”

“That’s not true-”

“Please stop interrupting me, I have something to say.” She knew what she had to do, she knew what decision she needed to make. It wouldn’t be easy, but it had to be done.

“Alright, go for it.”

She took a deep breath before continuing, “I’m going to move out when you’re on tour. I don’t want you to be mad, it has nothing to do with you, but I need to be on my own for a while. I’m not in a good place now, and I need to figure some things out before I can be happy with you or anyone else.”

“Coley please don’t do this. You don’t need to move out. I won’t even be here for a couple months! Just stay here and figure things out, and when I get back I can help you and we can figure this all out together.”

“No Harry. This is what I need to do, and you’re not going to change my mind. We can still be friends.”

By this point, Harry was doing everything in his power not to cry, but Nicole easily noticed the tears welling in his eyes. She had no intentions of hurting him, but she knew this was something she had to do. Her whole life, she’d been relying on others for her happiness. Time and time again, she denied it, but it was true. First her mum, then her dad, then Harry, then Sage, then Niall, and finally the baby… she couldn’t do it anymore. They were just people and people make mistakes. People aren’t perfect and can’t possibly always make someone else happy, and she needed to lose everything to realize that. She needed to find happiness within herself so she could finally have a healthy relationship with someone else without feeling the need to run away every time something less than perfect happens.

“Okay,” Harry said, and Nicole couldn’t believe he wasn’t putting up more of a fight and arguing with her. As he started out the door, she called after him, knowing exactly how she wanted to spend the night with him in case it was for the last time.

“Will you stay with me? At least until I fall asleep?”

“Of course.”

He crawled into bed before getting under the covers and cradling Nicole in his arms. She rested her head against his chest, listening to his heart beat like it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

“Will you promise me something?” she asked her voice barely above a whisper.

“You name it.”

“Tonight, promise me that you’ll never let go.”

“I’ll never let go.”