Untitled

"What's up Vancouver? I thought I wouldn't be able to make the early tour dates! Thought We might end up going to the dates from Montreal onwards, but alas! We got here! Now lets play some fucking music!" Alex yelled into the microphone.

The fans didn't really notice anything wrong because he was still amazing and hyper and just all round Alex; but they caught on to one thing. They noticed the on stage banter Alex and Jack had. It was still dick jokes and the norm but it lacked real emotion.

They would still cuddle sometimes at night and still be really touchy with each other. It wasn't that they wanted to. It was because they needed to and it has became a habit.

~|~

The night after playing the Montreal show Jack and Alex was cuddling in Alex's bunk. Alex had a sudden wave of doubt and he could not help but question Jack.

Alex nudged Jack and he hummed in response, indicating he's listening.

"How long do you think we'll last?"

Jack sat up and eyed Alex.

"Why do you ask?"

"I just... What happens when she stoops the lowest. You know how much she wants you."

"Well it doesn't matter," Jack reassured as he pulled Alex against his chest.

"I don't want her and that's that." Jack finalized, kissing Alex's hair.

"But how long will WE last?"

"Right now, we last forever."

They both laughed

"Stop using my words to answer my questions."

"But it's true. I know our love will last forever."

"I really fucking love you Jack Bassam Barakat."

"I love you too, Alexander William Gaskarth."

~|~

Jack woke up to an empty bed but a small note stuck to his forehead.

Went to get food. Be back soon.
~ Your Alex x

Jack couldn't help but smile. He got up and started walking towards the lounge.

~|~

The rest of the tour pretty much went like that. Jack and Alex cuddling in either one of their bunks and Alex leaving little notes for Jack.

Of course, with Alex and Jack, nothing happy lasted long and the bomb dropped. Alex was so close to breaking down.

"JackAllTimeLow: Found that special someone. Going to go after her. Wish me luck guys!"

~|~

"You said you're not going to be with her!" Alex screamed at Jack in their tour bus back lounge.

"She wouldn't let it go! She said it was this or she spills."

"But you're not with me! She knows! She doesn't need to go to desperate measures!" Alex was on the verge of crying.

"Lex, calm down. She's not the one I love. I don't even like her. But for our sake and the band's sake, I can only suck it up and listen to her." Jack explained.

"Stop using the band as an excuse!" Alex sat down on the couch with a little more force than necessary.

"Well would you rather her tell the world about that night?!" Jack screamed back.

"No." Alex mumbled.

"Exactly! I wish you would just fucking understand! Sometimes I wish I DIDN'T love you!"

Alex cringed and pained. He broke down right then and there. Shaking and whimpering as tears fell down his cheeks like a tap.

"Alex..."

"Go."

"Alex, I didn't mean it. I was ju-"

"Go! I don't want to see you! Go back to her!"

"Ale-"

"Go!" Alex screamed, pointing at the door. He felt an uncomfortable sense of deja vu, remembering that night in the hospital.

He heard Jack sigh and a soft click of the door following after.

~|~

Once everybody was out drinking in Simple Plan's bus, Alex had locked himself in the bathroom.

Never in his life had he thought he would be needing that thin sharp metal ever again on his skin. But here he was, turning it in his hands, contemplating whether or not it was worth it. Then he remembered all the things Jack had said a few hours ago and pushed all the doubts to the back of his mind.

Alex fell asleep with a smile on his lips, much like the very first time.

~|~

It wasn't exactly easy to hide the newly formed scars on his wrists and arms but Alex managed. Wearing a thick bracelet and tied a short scarf around his wrist did the trick.

What was so difficult was playing.

His wrist would not fit and form to the right places because it just hurt so much.

Alex did not think anybody really noticed. He had said he didn't feel too well so everybody did not freak out too much.

Oh, but Josh fucking Ramsay, being the well experienced cutter he once was, had seen all the subtleties right away.

After both bands had had their soundcheck Josh pulled Alex to one of the empty dressing rooms to confront him.

"What's up Josh?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"What're you talking about?"

Josh seized Alex's wrist and tugged the two pieces of material off his wrists.

"Don't think I don't know what it's like to play a show when I had my fresh scars still hurting. I know alright? I fucking know and I don't wish it upon anyone to ever have that happen to them.

You, Alex, of all people shouldn't be doing these rash things because you have to know that you need to tell someone. You wrote a fucking song about and you disregard your own advice.

It can really mess you up, because you start to believe you deserve it, and no one really deserves that.

I have first hand experience. I know how good I thought I felt while doing it; but when the guilt and realization wash over you, that is when the dependence come.

You need to talk to someone. I'm all ears if you need to, you can tell me whatever you need to and get it off your chest. Because I find that if you have a problem, keeping it a secret makes it so much stronger."

Alex had a difficult time finding the right words to say back to Josh because he's right. He just kept his head hung and eyes downcast. Josh pretty much spoke his mind except it was coherent, not at all like how his thoughts were swimming.

"I was just so fucking nervous and mad and depressed. All not a good mixture."

Josh pulled him in a hug.

"I know Alex, I know.

But right now, why don't I start teaching you a few tips to play without feeling too much pain."

~|~

Alex told Josh about him and Jack. Josh had asked permission if he could tell Matt, because he promised he would never keep secrets from his best friend and bandmate since high school ever again since his addiction. Alex understood and granted him permission.

The last few shows of the tour pained Alex the most. In the beginning, he wouldn't really mind the songs but as the days go by he seemed to pay attention to them a lot more.

It started with Marianas Trench's Good To You, Beside You, Say Anything, Alibis, Skin & Bones, By Now and the occasional Lover Dearest and So Soon. Alex felt like a mix of all the songs together.

The blonde haired boy had spoke his thoughts to Josh and Matt and they said they would try their best to convince Andy to keep the setlist with as much happy songs as best they could. There's also Simple Plan's You Suck At Love, Addicted, Perfect World, and Summer Paradise. Then of course there's his own songs he had to play.

When Marianas Trench (- Ian) called Jack to take a picture, Jack had called Alex to come but Alex flat out refused and walked away.

Josh and Matt really felt bad for Jack because he did not have a fucking clue what to do.

~|~

The blue haired man, brown haired man and the blonde haired man had gotten really close with each other during the tour.

Alex wondered how Matt could have so much awkwardness inside of him yet he's never awkward with Josh, but granted, they should be comfortable around each other. Maybe that was just one more thing Josh loves about his guitarist. Alex wished him and HIS guitarist could be like that. Despite that, the good thing about Matt's awkwardness was that it always made Alex laugh and momentarily forget about the other things happening in his life.

Alex envied Josh and Matt's relationship. They were such good friends and they seem to be so happy just to be in each others presence because they love each other that much. Granted, even though Josh and Matt's friendship had started since high school just like Alex and Jack, they were older and experienced many more life changing things.

Josh had been coming to Alex and helping out with his problems as well, but they know Jack is the only one that can keep him strong.

It was the rare day off of the tour that Josh and Alex was situated on the All Time Low tour bus.

"How you feeling? Any urges?"

"I have small ones. Usually when I come across pictures of Jack and her on twitter or tumblr, but other than that I'm as fine as I can be." Alex paused and sighed.

It's just so hard."

"Alex, you're doing really well right now. I wouldn't have controlled myself as good as you. Maybe it's because I have an addictive personality. So if I find something I REALLY love then I can't let it go easily. Unfortunately, I had to learn the lesson the hard way."

"I know I'm doing well Josh. I can control them, but they're SO frequent. I'm scared I'll cave in once out of those hundreds and I just don't want that to happen."

"It gets better. I know it's overused and I never wanted to here that when I was recovering, -keep in mind, I still am- but it does."

"Why do you always say you're still recovering? You're clearly good and healthy."

"I remembered Ian or Mike giving an excellent explanation to our fans and I think I should just use theirs because I can't think of a better one.

Once you are an addict you are always an addict. It means you have an attraction to something that does not go away. Say someone is an alcoholic and they haven't had a drink in 20 years, they are still an alcoholic. If one doesn't acknowledge their addiction and they believe they are immune to their past then they are kidding themselves."

"Oh." Was all Alex could say because it was so overwhelming.

"You and your bandmates are so mature and experienced. You guys seem to know so much."

"That's because we've gone through more things and we are older, though I really don't want to admit the latter." Josh chuckled.

"The older the wiser."

"I guess. Anyway, I should probably get back to Matt, he's so jitty today." Josh let out a small laugh.

"Hmm, I wonder why that might be." Alex raised a brow and smirked.

"Alex! We don't do it on the bus! That's just gross. It's so hard to clean."

At that, Alex had a sudden flashback to his and Jack's first time. It was on the bus.

Josh noticed the look on Alex's face and instantly felt guilty. He stepped forward to bring Alex in for a hug.

"Sorry Alex. I didn't mean to trigger anything."

"S'okay. I'm fine."

"You sure you don't need me to stay longer? I can spare a few more minutes."

"Nah bro, it's ok."

"Stay strong, Alex. You can do it."

A small laugh emitted from his lips.

"I know, there's a living example hugging me right now."

Just when they were about to pull apart Jack walked in the bus and stumbled a little at the sight.

Josh gave Alex a reassuring look and stepped out of the bus.

"You and Josh huh?"

"What? No! Why would you even think that."

"You guys were all over each other." Jack mumbled.

"We were not all over each other. He was comforting me and consulting me because the one I need isn't there for me."

Jack groaned.

"You know why I can't."

Alex sighed.

"I know, that's why Josh was here."

"Can't you find someone else? A girl maybe? I can tell he's gay."

"No. Josh is experienced and he gives good advice."

"Well what happens when he comes on to you or something?"

"Oh please, why are you overreacting so much. I don't do that when you're out with her. Plus, he won't come on to me. He has someone else he can come on to."

"What do you even need his advice on?"

"Nothing, he just helps me. He keeps me company as well as Matt. We would write small songs and Flyzik would sometimes join too. It's nice you know, since my bestfriend isn't free."

"Well you never ask!"

"Would you though? You always just say she'll get pissed and you rather not be out in the public and just stay on the bus. Thing is, I don't want to be stuck in this constricted space. I need air."

"Then I guess you should go find Josh and Matt huh?"

"I guess I should." Alex said, void of any emotion.

With that, Alex walked out to cross the lot and went for the Marianas bus before Jack could utter another word.