Anybody Feeling Homicidal or Suicidal?
2
Thank you, Crisis Center for providing me with the shittiest ambulance ever. There wasn’t even a stretcher in it. There was supposed to be a stretcher. And it wasn’t a real ambulance, it was a van with some yellow lights on top, which the driver didn’t even turn on. In fact he was a terrible driver, no lights, no sirens, and he took the longest route possible to get to the hospital and insurance wasn’t gonna cover the ambulance.
It was dark, but not really dark since we were driving through the city. Mom works in Philadelphia so she pointed out all the landmarks on the way. It was actually very pretty all lit up at night. I used to hate cities. The massive amounts of people scared the shit out of me, as did the gianganticness of it all.
“The sun goes down, the stars come out”
That song had hit number one the week I went into the unit. So did Kelly Clarkson’s ‘What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger’. Those were my theme songs at the time. They brought me up like some sort of weird self-medication. But as soon as the song ended I came crashing back down to reality.
Fairmount. I hated it the moment we stepped inside. The night crew sat in the little office swearing at each other. My mother kept making faces, faces that signaled, “I don’t want Hadley staying here”. Dad didn’t say anything. I sat wrapped up in my batman blanket, tired as all hell.
Paper after paper was handed to me to sign. Since I was sixteen I was legally allowed to sign myself into the hospital.
Finally a nurse came to get me, she was named Cam. Cam was big and black and mumbled everything so I had no fucking clue what she was saying to me. They took me down to D-Pod, the girls’ ward. We crossed through locked door after locked door. There was no escaping that place.
Cam lead me into the nurses station where she proceeded to search through my bag and tell me all the things I couldn’t have. My tooth brush. My conditioner. My stuffed animal mom had recently got me as a joke. My bra. My Batman blanket. They took my fucking Batman blanket. Really, Cam? Then she laughed at me and held up my Old Spice deodorant.
“This really yours?” She mumbled.
Cam then took me to my room. Room 185. There were two beds inside, one was already occupied. On the opposite wall were two cubby holes separated by a desk in between. Cam directed me into the bathroom with mumbles. The bathroom had a sink, shower, and toilet, but no door. Only a curtain. I had to strip down naked in front of this rude, mumbling woman. She was the first person other than my previous boyfriend to ever see me naked. Not cool.
I was taken back up the nurses station once that was done with. Another black nurse was seated inside. I wish I remembered her name because she was so incredibly nice to me.
She asked me the normal questions as well as a few abnormal ones.
“Have you ever been physically abused?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been sexually abused?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been spiritually abused?”
I stared at her.
“I know, I know. Everyone gives me that look. But I know, some day some little baby girl is gonna come in here and say to me, ‘Lord, I have been spiritually abused!’.”
It was time to say goodbye to my parents. Cue the sobbing once again.
“Mom this is wrong. I made a mistake, I don’t belong here,” I whispered through tears.
“Honey, I knew you were going to say that. You’re being really brave, and this is the right choice. I know it’s hard, but you’re a strong girl, you can do it.”
Finally it was time for sleep. I went back to 185, accidentally waking my roommate in the process. She muttered something incoherent, rolled over, and went back to snoring.
I climbed into bed. All I had was a foam mattress about five inches thick, one pillow, and a blanket that seemed more like a towel than an actual blanket. That night I slept in long pajamas for the first time in years. I curled my favorite purple hoodie up into a ball and used it as a second pillow.
It was five thirty in the morning when I finally drifted off to sleep.
“Good morning ladies, time to wake up!” Boomed a females voice down the hallway. That line was repeated over and over as nurses walked up and down the hallway knocking on each door.
“Desiree!” The nurse called, knocking on our door. “Wake up!”
The girl next to me groaned and rolled out of bed.
“Come on,” She said to me, “It’s time to wake up, newbie.”
“They said I could sleep in,” I whispered. “Since I got here at five.”
“I wish they let me sleep in.”
And then I fell asleep to the sound of the showing running and my roommate belting Rolling in The Deep.
It was only a few hours later, 3 to be exact, when I woke again. It was ten o’clock now. I trudged out of bed, pulled on my hello kitty slippers and my hoodie. There was a mysterious puddle of water next to my bed, which I chose to ignore for the time being.
I wandered back down to the end of the hallway where the nurses station was. A pretty blonde woman sat at the counter behind the glass.
“Good morning, Hadley. Need something?”
“Um, I can’t see without my contacts.”
“Oh, of course. Let me grab them, they’re right in this drawer. She pulled out a plastic bagging with some kind of label on it. She handed me a contact for my right eye, -2.00, and one for my left, -2.25.
“Also I want to take a shower. Can I have a towel?”
“Yes, yes, they’re right over here,” She unlocked the door and came out from behind the nurses station. She lead me to a big cart with a sheet over it, pressed up against the right side of the hallway. One arm held the sheet up and the other grabbed three towels and passed them in my direction. Then she grabbed a basket with my toiletry items.
“I’m Miss Cecelia. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Actually, can I get a tampon?”
Equipped with all my necessary items, I headed back to room 185, slipped behind the curtain and climbed into the shower.
Warm water. Nice warm water. The familiar smell of my own soap from home, orange blossom and bamboo. They gave us baby shampoo so we couldn’t die if we swallowed it all. My hair was cut short in a pixie, recently dyed black. All the other girls complained about how the baby shampoo was horrid on their hair, it didn’t do much to mine. Then again, I didn’t have a lot of hair to mess with.
My stomach growled and I realized that I’d missed out on breakfast. Fuck.
It was dark, but not really dark since we were driving through the city. Mom works in Philadelphia so she pointed out all the landmarks on the way. It was actually very pretty all lit up at night. I used to hate cities. The massive amounts of people scared the shit out of me, as did the gianganticness of it all.
“The sun goes down, the stars come out”
That song had hit number one the week I went into the unit. So did Kelly Clarkson’s ‘What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger’. Those were my theme songs at the time. They brought me up like some sort of weird self-medication. But as soon as the song ended I came crashing back down to reality.
Fairmount. I hated it the moment we stepped inside. The night crew sat in the little office swearing at each other. My mother kept making faces, faces that signaled, “I don’t want Hadley staying here”. Dad didn’t say anything. I sat wrapped up in my batman blanket, tired as all hell.
Paper after paper was handed to me to sign. Since I was sixteen I was legally allowed to sign myself into the hospital.
Finally a nurse came to get me, she was named Cam. Cam was big and black and mumbled everything so I had no fucking clue what she was saying to me. They took me down to D-Pod, the girls’ ward. We crossed through locked door after locked door. There was no escaping that place.
Cam lead me into the nurses station where she proceeded to search through my bag and tell me all the things I couldn’t have. My tooth brush. My conditioner. My stuffed animal mom had recently got me as a joke. My bra. My Batman blanket. They took my fucking Batman blanket. Really, Cam? Then she laughed at me and held up my Old Spice deodorant.
“This really yours?” She mumbled.
Cam then took me to my room. Room 185. There were two beds inside, one was already occupied. On the opposite wall were two cubby holes separated by a desk in between. Cam directed me into the bathroom with mumbles. The bathroom had a sink, shower, and toilet, but no door. Only a curtain. I had to strip down naked in front of this rude, mumbling woman. She was the first person other than my previous boyfriend to ever see me naked. Not cool.
I was taken back up the nurses station once that was done with. Another black nurse was seated inside. I wish I remembered her name because she was so incredibly nice to me.
She asked me the normal questions as well as a few abnormal ones.
“Have you ever been physically abused?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been sexually abused?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been spiritually abused?”
I stared at her.
“I know, I know. Everyone gives me that look. But I know, some day some little baby girl is gonna come in here and say to me, ‘Lord, I have been spiritually abused!’.”
It was time to say goodbye to my parents. Cue the sobbing once again.
“Mom this is wrong. I made a mistake, I don’t belong here,” I whispered through tears.
“Honey, I knew you were going to say that. You’re being really brave, and this is the right choice. I know it’s hard, but you’re a strong girl, you can do it.”
Finally it was time for sleep. I went back to 185, accidentally waking my roommate in the process. She muttered something incoherent, rolled over, and went back to snoring.
I climbed into bed. All I had was a foam mattress about five inches thick, one pillow, and a blanket that seemed more like a towel than an actual blanket. That night I slept in long pajamas for the first time in years. I curled my favorite purple hoodie up into a ball and used it as a second pillow.
It was five thirty in the morning when I finally drifted off to sleep.
“Good morning ladies, time to wake up!” Boomed a females voice down the hallway. That line was repeated over and over as nurses walked up and down the hallway knocking on each door.
“Desiree!” The nurse called, knocking on our door. “Wake up!”
The girl next to me groaned and rolled out of bed.
“Come on,” She said to me, “It’s time to wake up, newbie.”
“They said I could sleep in,” I whispered. “Since I got here at five.”
“I wish they let me sleep in.”
And then I fell asleep to the sound of the showing running and my roommate belting Rolling in The Deep.
It was only a few hours later, 3 to be exact, when I woke again. It was ten o’clock now. I trudged out of bed, pulled on my hello kitty slippers and my hoodie. There was a mysterious puddle of water next to my bed, which I chose to ignore for the time being.
I wandered back down to the end of the hallway where the nurses station was. A pretty blonde woman sat at the counter behind the glass.
“Good morning, Hadley. Need something?”
“Um, I can’t see without my contacts.”
“Oh, of course. Let me grab them, they’re right in this drawer. She pulled out a plastic bagging with some kind of label on it. She handed me a contact for my right eye, -2.00, and one for my left, -2.25.
“Also I want to take a shower. Can I have a towel?”
“Yes, yes, they’re right over here,” She unlocked the door and came out from behind the nurses station. She lead me to a big cart with a sheet over it, pressed up against the right side of the hallway. One arm held the sheet up and the other grabbed three towels and passed them in my direction. Then she grabbed a basket with my toiletry items.
“I’m Miss Cecelia. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Actually, can I get a tampon?”
Equipped with all my necessary items, I headed back to room 185, slipped behind the curtain and climbed into the shower.
Warm water. Nice warm water. The familiar smell of my own soap from home, orange blossom and bamboo. They gave us baby shampoo so we couldn’t die if we swallowed it all. My hair was cut short in a pixie, recently dyed black. All the other girls complained about how the baby shampoo was horrid on their hair, it didn’t do much to mine. Then again, I didn’t have a lot of hair to mess with.
My stomach growled and I realized that I’d missed out on breakfast. Fuck.