She's Not Afraid

No matter how much I tried, I couldn't get this Ellis girl out of my mind. Every thought was consumed by her. Was she and Harry something? Was she just a friend? If she were a friend, why would she be wearing his shirt? Usually people intimate with each other did those kinds of things.

Of course I couldn't ask him about it, why should I? It was non of my business. Yet, I felt like it was. Like it was mandatory for me to know. I couldn't explain the feeling and I sure as hell didn't like it. Why couldn't I just brush it off? Who cared if he had a potential girlfriend or not?

I did. That's the problem. I cared.

I didn't know why but I did and I wish I could turn this feeling off. I was solely his friend and nothing else. If he had a girlfriend or not, it didn't concern me. As a friend I was only here to support him, right?

Wrong. Because it didn't feel that way. Imagining him with a girlfriend only brought this angering feeling in me. Like that's not how things were supposed to be.

I loudly groaned in frustration, putting my head in my hands as if it would stop these enthralling thoughts from taking over; immediately regretting it once I realised I had forgotten Harry sitting next to me.

"Charlotte? Are you alright?" He asked, turning away his attention from the telly.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You've been awfully quiet, is something wrong?"

"Nope, I'm honestly fine." I tried giving him a smile, hoping it would distract him enough to leave me alone.

"Oh, come on what's bugging ya? You've been quiet all day."

"Nothing, just a bit tired."

"You don't make me a fool enough to believe that rubbish, do you?"

"Clearly you must be a fool if you think something is wrong, bugger off now I'm just tired I said."

"Come on," He whined, nudging my shoulder with his. "Tell me what's wrong, what's going on in little Charlotte's head?"

"Will you cut it out? I said nothing is wrong. Can we continue watching whatever it is we're watching?" I asked beginning to get annoyed with his pestering, trying my best to focus on the telly.

"No, not until you tell me what's wrong."

"Harry, I will seriously hurt you if you don't leave me alone." I began to say angrily, only to laugh as soon as I faced him. What could I do? It was hard to be angry at a face like that.

But because I laughed, he wouldn't take me seriously. Continuing on with his enquiry.

"Tell me, please?" He asked sweetly, placing a kiss on my cheek before I shoved him off.

"Fine." I groaned, his eyes lighting up in victory. With a cleared throat I hesitantly began, looking away to hide my face from his blazing stare. "I just- I uh," I stuttered, not really sure how to word my thoughts without sounding incredibly stupid.

"It's okay, you can say it." He encouraged.

"Alright, I'll just say it. I can't stop thinking about the girl from yesterday. I mean, okay I know it's not any of my business, whoever she is, but I'm just curious. Is she a girlfriend? A friend? It's stupid I know, I shouldn't even be thinking about it but I am and I can't help it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked, please ignore me. Do you have like a show you want to watch? I think The Bachelorette is on if you want to watch that, I mean I know how much you lik-"

"Charlotte." He interrupted my ranting, a bad habit from my wild nerves.

"I'm sorry." I groaned, hiding my face in the pillow against my chest. "I feel like a fool."

"Nonsense, you were just curious. Ellis is just a friend, no worries."

"I should have known. I don't know, it's just she wore your shirt and usually people in a relationship do that sort of thing."

"She dirtied hers so I lent her one of mine."

"Well duh! Of course, she did. I can't believe how silly I am." I chuckled, my face no doubt a shade of bright red. Thank God I kept hidden in the pillow.

"Will you stop hiding?" He chuckled at me, prying my shield away. "Are you blushing?"

"Stop!" I whined, placing my hands to my face before they were also pried away. "Harry, knock it off!"

"You don't have to be shy." He continued to laugh, making my insides twist at the sound. "It's okay if you like me so much you feel jealous by my female friends." He began taunting.

There was that blush again. "If that's what you think." I tried moving away from the topic at hand. "Can you we watch something now?"

"Why? Are you embarrassed?"

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, now what do you want to watch? A movie?"

"No, I want to see what else makes you jealous."

"I'm not jealous, see I knew I shouldn't have told you anything. I already said I was only curious because I had never seen her before."

He didn't answer, I faced him to find out why. "God! Would you stop looking at me with that smirk?! I'm not jealous!"

"Then why are you getting so mad?"

"Because you're irritating me, that's why! Now a movie!" I said taking the remote from his hand with force.

I knew he was still taunting me with his stare but I continued to flip through the channels anyway, knowing my attention is what he exactly wanted. "Love Actually is about to start, do you fancy watching that? I haven't seen it in ages."

"Why don't I ask Ellis what she thinks?" I could hear him mumble quietly.

"Oh, fuck you!" I shouted, throwing the pillow at him, making him laugh aloud.

"I'm only kidding!"

I rolled my eyes at his boyish behaviour, staring ahead to see Bill Nighy's opening scene. Containing to watch, I busted out in a fit of giggles when he began to let out a string of cusses.

Though I tried my best to stay focused, I felt Harry staring, something he seemed to be doing a lot lately. "Why are you looking at me?" I asked, still staring ahead.

"I enjoy watching you laugh."

"Cut it out, watch the movie." I disregarded his affect on me, feeling a new shade of red threatening to break out across my cheeks.

He surprisingly listened to me and actually watched the movie, staying silent as we watched the scenes unfold.

Just as Keira Knightley and Andrew Lincoln shared what was supposed to be a passionate and loving kiss, I scoffed. The high pedestal movies placed kisses upon always seemed to irritate me.

"Well what's the matter with you?" Harry asked as I grimaced at the screen.

"That! Movies always make kisses seem like this big deal where music is playing in the background and you fall in love with the person right there as you slowly pull apart and look into each other's eyes. It's all bullshit and it only screws with a little girl's mind of how a kiss should really be. It only leads to disappointment."

"If I do say so myself, they aren't bullshit. I mean sure music doesn't play but you can fall in love after a kiss. Haven't you ever had a kiss so strong you fell for that person?"

"No, because kisses like that are made up."

He sat up straight, turning his body eagerly towards me. "Have you seriously never been kissed like that?"

I looked away, my flushed face betraying me for what was the tenth time today. I cursed at the paleness of my skin, always giving away just how embarrassed I was at any given time.

Of course I didn't want to admit to Harry I'd never been kissed, do you know how utterly awkward that was to say? By sixteen everyone I know has been kissed, but me? No, never.

"Charlotte?"

"Hmm?" I answered, refusing to face him as I looked down at my fingers.

"Have you ever been kissed? At all?"

"I don't really want to talk about it, if you don't mind."

"But I do. I find it unbelievably hard that you've never been kissed."

"Well yeah it's true, I'd like to move away from this subje-"

I was cut short by his hand as it found my cheek, forcing me to look at his face that was inches away now. The bright emerald green eyes I'd grown used to a darker shade now. "A girl as beautiful and charming as you, deserves to be kissed just like in the movies." He whispered, his gaze dropping to my mouth.

My throat felt ten times smaller, my mouth twenty times drier. If it were possible my heart would have thumped right out of my chest at the speed it was going. My nerves at an all time high.

"Can I kiss you?" He almost begged, making my head spin at the thought.

I didn't know how to kiss. What if I did it wrong? What if it was a complete mess? What if it ruined our friendship?

Staring at the pink, plump lips ahead of me made me realise just how much I wanted to do it. Regardless of the consequences. So ever so slowly, I nodded, giving him permission to give me what I didn't know I so desperately craved.

Closing my eyes shut, I leaned in forward to find a pair of soft lips against mine. The butterflies in my stomach erupting, revelling in the way this all felt. I was kissing Harry. Me. Charlotte Taylor. Kissing a boy.

It amazed me at how skilled and gentle he was. Managing to slip in his tongue with such ease and care, it was what had to be, a perfect kiss.

His fingers stroked my skin as his mouth caressed mine, the feelings seeping in uncontrollable.

We pulled away for air, immediately realising what was done. What had been felt.

"Sorry there was no music." He shyly chuckled after a moment.

"Will you excuse me for a sec?" I asked, jumping off the bed to run into the bathroom. Making sure the door was shut tightly. Instantly everything that had just happened replayed in my mind.

"Oh my God, Charlotte what did you just do? He's your friend, damn it! Your friend and now you've kissed him! Oh my God, oh My God! I've ruined everything." I moaned, dropping to the floor to rest my head against the door.

What happens now? Do we move on and just leave it at that? Do we stop being friends? What did one do in a situation like this?

Riana! I thought. She would know what to do. But did I want to tell her? If I didn't tell her she'd eventually find out and be mad at me for not telling her. Then again telling her would only lead to her gloating about how she "knew it all along". I mean honestly I didn't even know what this meant; if he liked me or not. If I liked him or not.

What if he was just being nice? What if he only kissed me because I never had one before? I let out a desperate, confused whine.

"Charlotte? Are you alright in there?" I could hear Harry's voice on the other side of the door, a light knock following.

I cleared my voice, giving him a simple reassurance.

"Are you sure? Do you want me to go in there?"

"No, no need I'm fine."

We stood silent for awhile, me on one side and him on the other. If it weren't for the soft sound of his breathing I would have thought he left.

"Was it bad?" He quietly asked, my heartbreaking at the sad tone.

Quickly I got up to my feet, opening the door to find him sitting on the floor. Joining him, I placed a hand on his. "No, not at all. I'm just, I'm just a little confused."

"About?"

"What to do now. I mean why did you even do it?"

He scoffed as if he my answer was absurd. "What do you think?"

I shrugged. "Just being nice?"

"Are you that oblivious?"

"To?"

"This whole time have you really had no clue of my feelings for you?"

I stared at him in disbelief, clearly hearing his words but not fully understanding them. Feelings? What feelings? There were feelings?

"I've been completely smitten with you ever since you walked through the door to the bakery. I thought it was obvious, I thought maybe you just didn't feel the same and you were ignoring it. The day you told me we were just friends, well that kind of tore at me. I should have told you sooner but as we got closer, as just friends, it got harder to say. And tonight I guess I couldn't help myself, hearing you'd never been kissed made me feel like it was my chance to finally tell you how I felt."

I slowly shook my head, staring at the ground as I let his words sink in. Was what I was hearing even true? "It's hard to believe."

"Why? You're beautiful. Don't you know that?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh please, you're just saying that."

He didn't respond; instead he leaned over and grasped my chin, placing a soft, gentle kiss. "You're beautiful."

***

After he'd left, I couldn't keep track of what was going through in my mind.

So Harry confessed his feelings for me. Now what?

I was at a loss for solutions. I was completely stuck.

On one hand, I enjoyed the kisses, I enjoyed hearing him say all those things; to know someone actually cared for me outside of family, an actual boy.

But on the other hand I didn't want to mess up what we had. I wasn't even sure how I felt about him just yet. He was my friend. A friend I'd grown used to having around.

And let's say we did try and make it work, what then? He was going to his audition in a few days. What if he made it? Would we even last through all of that? If it didn't work I'd not only lose my boyfriend, but my best friend.

I grunted at how things completely changed. For the worst. What was I supposed to do?