Details in the Fabric

Even though he’d never tell her, James had to admit that a part of him envied her. Beneath the white-hot lights, her expression remained effortless, her hazel eyes aglow as she stared fearlessly into the camera lens. No matter how awkward he felt with his body that close against hers, his hand resting along the curve of her hip, he never felt any tension in her muscles. This all seemed to come naturally to her, and as charming as James was in his day-to-day life, he couldn’t make the camera adore him like Audrina could.

They’d done a couple photoshoots together before, so they weren’t strangers, but Audrina still held that sense of mystery around her. Despite the fact that her personal life was displayed for the nation to see, James still felt like there was more to her than the ditzy, love-blind young woman that had become a reality television staple. There was too much power in her stance for him to believe she was so fragile, but at the same time, he could sense that she was broken. He’d caught a glimpse of the frazzled, exhausted expression she’d sported on the cover of various tabloids, and though he barely knew her, a part of him still longed to save her because he knew she was better than that.

The photographer was barking out instructions for the two of them, telling them how to feel, and though James could hear the snippy man’s words, it was becoming nothing more than background noise to him. Even though he knew she was just acting, that flicker of adoration etched in her stare made everything else seem to fade away.

The heat radiating from the lamps all around them only made things worse. It wasn’t like him to crack under pressure, but James suddenly felt light-headed. Pesky beads of sweat formed along his hairline, making his chocolate locks curl from the dampness as the assistant struggled to keep his skin from looking clammy and his hair from growing too wavy.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips. “I really suck at this.”

Audrina flashed him a soft smile, her teeth digging into her lower lip as she fought the urge to brush her hair out of her eyes. “Don’t worry, you’re doing great.”

Her smile was mirrored on his lips, and he couldn’t help but trust her reassurance. He had a slight form of respect for her, not just because she was an amazing model, but because she seemed so genuine. In a way, she had taken him under her wing as he began to venture into modeling, and James was forever grateful for her kindness. Truthfully, it was the last thing he had expected when he learned about their first shoot together.

The two of them had met a little over six months earlier, both assigned to do a spread together for Neon’s Young Hollywood issue. James had to admit that he was reluctant to work with her, if only because of how she happened to come into the limelight. The reality television phenomenon made fame too easy, too accessible, and while James had worked his ass off to get auditions, all of his performance arts training had seemed to be meaningless. It hadn’t helped him in the acting business, and no matter how hard he tried to prove himself as a serious actor, he was constantly being cast as the “hot guy” in tween sitcoms and straight-to-video films.

Little did he know that Audrina shared that same struggle.

As they began to work on that first shoot, James grew more and more guilty that he had judged her so soon. She had been nothing but nice to him, gently coaching him between takes, easing away his initial awkwardness.

But once again, that awkwardness was rearing its nasty head, only this time, it was for different reasons entirely. James was used to posing in weird positions in uncomfortable and overpriced clothes while pretending to embody a certain sex appeal. That felt as natural as breathing compared to how complicated it was becoming to sort out his feelings for Audrina.

On one hand, he couldn’t be sure if his desire towards her was only due to her mystique or if there was really some sort of chemistry between them. On the other hand, there was a part of him that couldn’t keep for longing to pursue his own intrigue. For once, the attraction wasn’t simply lust. There was more to it than just sex, and while he couldn’t deny the way his mind wandered across her curves, he was more anxious to discover the beauty that ran beneath her stretches of sunkissed skin.

Before James knew it, the fashion photographer’s voice broke through his racing thoughts.

“Alright guys, that’s a wrap. We’ll send the photos we’ve chosen for the magazine to your agents once they’re polished up.”

“Thanks,” Audrina offered the man a gracious smile while James remained silent at her side.

It wasn’t until they were strolling down the hall to their shared dressing room that he spoke up, but even then, it wasn’t much. She was one of the few people that could see straight through his charisma, and because of that, she made his calm exterior crumble. He was always a bundle of nerves around her.

“You were so amazing out there,” he admitted. “I mean, look at you. You look gorgeous.”

James thought he could see the hints of a blush rise to the apples of her cheeks as her gaze fell to the floor. Always humble, she immediately brushed his compliment away. “It’s just the hair and makeup. Trust me, once this face is washed away, I look like a complete mess.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you do,” James joked with a laugh as he pushed his bangs out of his face. “So how’s your work schedule been lately?”

She couldn’t contain the sigh that pushed past her lips. “Um, it’s pretty much been total hell. I feel like shooting for the show has kind of taken over my life, if that makes any sense.”

James nodded in understanding. He couldn’t begin to imagine how it felt to have every moment of his life captured on film and aired for everyone else to see. While he had previously considered reality tv as taking the easy route to celebrity status, watching Audrina’s model perfect express begin to break down made him see things from a different perspective. The lines between the show and Audrina’s personal life were becoming increasing blurred, so much so that it had gotten to the point where she wasn’t sure what was real and what was scripted anymore.

Everyone in her life seemed to be lurking behind ulterior motives, but James seemed honest and true. Although she wanted to trust him, she needed so desperately to trust someone, Audrina still held firmly to that sense of paranoia. The last thing she wanted to do was fall for him only to find that he had been taking advantage of her all along.

Audrina had already been through that once. She didn’t feel that she was strong enough to pull through that heartbreak and devastation again.

Everyone was so convinced that her life was so entertaining, but when it boiled down to it, her life had ceased to be her own.

As he pushed open the door to their dressing room, James felt the need to ease the tension between them. “Wow, you can really tell that the comfort of their models is top priority,” he announced sarcastically as he entered the cramped space, plopping down on the stiff loveseat to take off his leather loafers.

“Yeah,” Audrina agreed, kicking off her heels. “It’s bad enough that they have us sharing a dressing room, but this is pretty pathetic.”

James’s golden eyes skimmed the rest of the room. It was bare bones, nothing more than a vanity, a loveseat, and two cubbies for them to change in. “Damn, this is sketchy.”

As their soft chuckles began to die off, silence flooded the space between them, but instead of the awkward tension that lingered during the photoshoot, this silence possessed a difference power. This silence was filled with expectancy as both of their motions came to a pause. All that remained was the flicker of hazel eyes between two sets of full lips, each party waiting for the other to make the first move.

Their first kiss was everything James could’ve ever imagined it to be and more. He could feel all of the passion and emotion that Audrina kept buried deep inside as her lips melted into his own. As his fingers became intertwined in her loose chestnut waves, those walls that she worked so hard to build up, the walls that kept her guarded from the outside world, began to crumble to pieces of concrete at their feet. If only for that moment, hidden from the camera’s prying eyes, Audrina felt truly alive. Her palms pressed into the planes of his defined chest, the warm of her touch buffered by a thin layer of starched cotton as she kissed him forcefully.

As his tongue washed along the seam of her lips, her fingers fumbled to unfasten the buttons along his flawless white shirt. With each stretch of newly exposed skin, the stakes grew higher. Her fingers stroked each muscle along his stomach as the kiss deepened, and though every inch of her skin felt like it was burning from the inside out, as James’s touch wandered along her back, searching for the zipper to her sequined ball gown. Audrina caught a glimpse of their reflections in the vanity across the room, and though the sight of their stretches of flushed skin, the desire embedded in their hazel eyes, and their disheveled locks took her breath away, her movements came to an abrupt halt.

As quickly as they had dissipated, the walls were suddenly rebuilt, stronger than ever.

Her gaze refused to meet his as she spoke, and she couldn’t mask the childlike waver in her voice. “James, I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

She expected him to grow frustrated, to storm out of the room like any other guy would, but his features remained soft, concern etched in his olive-flecked irises.

Though the question could’ve easily become an accusation, James’s voice remained gentle as he wove an arm around her shoulders. “Why? What’s wrong?”

Her stare tilted upward towards the ceiling, a hand raking through her hair as she tried to fight back the tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. A million excuses and explanations ran rampant through her mind, but for some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to voice any of them. She couldn’t force herself to just brush James away. As much as she hated it, she did have feelings for him, feelings that deserved to be explored. Audrina had been spending so much of her life focused on what other people thought of her, and her stint on The Hills had become just another extension of those insecurities. She’d forgotten what it felt like to follow her heart, and the thought of going against what felt so comfortable to her was terrifying.

She just couldn’t lie to James.

“I don’t want to bring you into this,” she confessed. “You deserve so much better than what I could ever offer you. I’m damaged goods.”

His lips curved to form a faint smile as he pulled her into an embrace. The gesture was exactly what she’d needed all this time: intimacy and reassurance. “’Drina, nobody’s perfect. Truth is, we’re all a little fucked up, but that’s not always a bad thing.”

She smiled against his neck as her arms tightened their grip around his muscular frame, but she couldn’t shake the doubt in her heart. “James, this world rips away everything that you are, molds you to what they want you to be until you forget what’s you and what’s the character, and I would never want that to happen to you. You’re amazing the way you are.”

His hands caressed her bare shoulders as he murmured into her hair. “I can’t just let what we have go. You shouldn’t just be miserable and give up on being happy just because of a job. Fuck the show, you don’t need it. You’re better than that stupid show.”

With everything that she had, Audrina wanted nothing more than to believe him, but she knew that once they both left this room, it wouldn’t be so easy. Without the warmth of his arms surrounding her, the gentle sound of his voice in her ear, she wasn’t so sure that she could stay true to her resolve, but James was determined to make her try.