Chaser of Faith

Nicholas and I were alone in the cottage. I stood in the doorway of his room as he finished up the map he was making for me. I was worried that one of the angels would be home any second. The silence was nearly deafening. I barely breathed as I listened for any sounds of them at the door. I knew if they caught me hanging out in Nicholas’s room, they’d get suspicious, but a little part of me wanted to make them feel suspicious. I wanted them to know that I didn’t trust them. That Nicholas was the one I wanted to be close with in this house.

The sounds of Nicholas’s quill pen scratching against the paper ceased suddenly. I snapped out of my thoughts. I had zoned-out, staring at the back of his head. I blinked rapidly, licking my lips and straightening my posture. He turned around in his seat, standing up and moving towards me from his desk. I brushed a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Along with the countries and cities, I gave you a sketch of the solar system. And I put asterixis by the capital cities in each of the five countries of Nanimat.” He handed me a stiff piece of paper colored in different ink. I looked down in amazement.

This was my new home. Right on this piece of paper.

I smiled, scanning the page a few times. I studied the planets and their moons. I saw that Ymete and Lilliana were the moons of Aksan and something in my head clicked.

“Hey, Ymete and Lilliana? Aren’t those our king and queen?” I looked up at him and he nodded.

“King Ymet and Queen Lillian of Ythe. The King, as you may or may not have heard, is not the kindest. He’s very self-centered- he named the biggest moon for himself, and the smaller one for his wife as an offer of good faith to the angels.” He shifted a little closer to me, pointing to the page. I narrowed my breathing, feeling excitedly nervous with his proximity. “And the three moons of Jerde- Yn, Ver, and Uonith- were named for three birds of Aksan because their orbits are so flighty and quick. We call the moons quite literally ‘ve shi cos,’ the three birds,” he said with a laugh. His breath hit my cheek and I felt my cheeks flush. I looked up at him with a timid smile. He took a step back.

“If you want my advice,” he continued, holding my gaze. “Sithen is a safe country to be in for a human. Ythe is probably the last place you want to be. Also avoid Vow and Rath if you want to stay away from bloody angels.” I glanced down at the map one more time.

Sithen, in the west.

“And Herith,” I added, pointing down at the star in the west. “Is where the King of Sithen would be?” He nodded. “And you live in Tiver?” I asked with a sly grin, pointing to the next city. He nodded again with an airy chuckle.

“Yes I do. I would love for you to visit sometime.” I felt my cheeks heat again.

“Is your king a good man?” Nicholas thought for a moment, taking in a breath and letting it out slowly.

“He is a complicated man… When I brought the vampire murders in my home to his attention, he certainly took his time investigating it. His concern was misplaced… But he allows a city of vampires in his land, so close to his palace, so I believe he must be a kinder man than King Ymet, at the very least.” I took a second to soak in what he’d told me so far. “It gets easier,” he assured. “It took a couple weeks for me, but I found my niche. I met my best friend Vi and I got a hold of my anger and my hunger.” He put a cool hand on my shoulder. “One day, you’ll wake up… and you won’t feel alone anymore. You won’t feel lost.” For a second, I felt my emotions getting the better of me. My eyes almost started to water and something caught in my throat. I swallowed hard to clear it and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall.

Alone. I was alone.

“Thank you,” I choked out, nodding to try to let go of the sadness. I put a hand on his. “Thank you, Nicholas.” He smiled warmly, taking my hand and letting it go by our sides.

“Let’s head downstairs. Rahmiel might be home soon.” I folded up the map, turning and headin gout into the hallway. Nicholas closed his door behind him. “Make sure you hide that well. I’m afraid of what Adriel would do to me if he found out I was helping you with this.” I nodded slowly. I knew that wasn’t an exaggeration. He went to the couch and I headed to my room.

I pondered a good hiding spot from my doorway. Everywhere felt too obvious. Underneath the mattress, inside a shoe, stuck between the pages of a book. I glanced at my desk. In the moonlight that shone from my window, I saw something that looked like tape. I bit my lip, moving to my desk and picking it up to inspect it. I tried to pick off a piece, and it was, in fact, quite like tape- it was a tacky roll of paper. I tore off a few pieces and got on my knees, leaning underneath the desk. There was a hollow middle to the underside of the desk. I taped the map underneath the desktop, feeling confident with this choice.

I left my room, meeting Nicholas in the living room again. I found him on the couch so I took my same place on the chair across from him. I hadn’t noticed that he had grabbed a pen and paper when he left his room. He was scribbling furiously as I sat.

“What are you writing?” I asked curiously.

“Your mini dictionary.” I raised my eyebrows, surprised. “I’m making sure you have basic phrases, nouns, verbs, grammar… some things you might need out there on your own.” I grinned with excitement.

“That is a very good idea.” He smiled without looking up at me. I rested my chin on my hand, watching him write. “Why are you helping me so much?” He shrugged.

“This city is not safe. And that dark angel is not safe. I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do my best to aid the damsel in distress,” he teased, glancing at me quickly with a cheeky grin. I laughed.

Nicholas had been honest with me, so I felt comfortable around him. More so than with the other two. I hoped that he didn’t screw me over, too.

‘You know you can’t trust them.’

My mother’s words still rang in my mind. My smile slipped away as my mind began to whir again. I took in a deep breath and let it out, focusing back on where I was.

“Teach me something.” I noticed him smile again, still not looking up from his work.

“I assume Adriel had taught you the basics- hello, good bye, my name is, etcetera, etcetera.”

“Yeah, and the subject pronouns.” He nodded.

“Well I’m giving you the object, adjective, and possessive pronouns, too.” He paused, finishing his writing and lifting it up to show me. I saw four boxes containing the different pronouns. He had also written out a long list of verbs and phrases I would need. “I’m going to put a basic numbers chart on the back, too. You gotta be sure to practice everything I’ve given you during the day, whether you’re with someone or not.”

“Absolutely,” I affirmed with a nod.

“In a couple days, with plenty of practice, you should be ready.” I bit my lip with excitement and nervousness. “Well, as ready as you’ll ever be,” he teased with a smile. He put his head down and went back to writing.

“When are you leaving?” I asked without thinking. He stopped writing for a moment to think, without looking up, and then started again.

“I’m not sure. I have business to attend to still. I cannot go home until I’m sure that my people will be safe.” I felt admiration. He was an honorable man.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” I owed him so much. I wished that there was something I could do to help him. He smiled again without looking at me.

“Thank you, Claire, but no. This is not a matter that you need to be involved with.”

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” He finally looked up at me.

“I will,” he said quietly. He held my gaze for a moment before going back to his work. I felt a pang of guilt hit my heart. I wasn’t being completely honest with him. It started to gnaw at me. My throat tensed as I struggled to start speaking to open up to him.

He was being so kind to me, however I did not want to interfere with his friendship with Rahmiel. I knew that deep down Rahmiel was a good man, and he had done a lot for Nicholas. Whatever Adriel was trying to pull up on Rahmiel was none of my business, and if Rahmiel had done anything truly bad, then maybe a punishment was what he needed. But it was something I needed to stay away from.

“Though, if you’re trying to leave, Claire,” he started, snapping me out of my guilt. “Getting mixed up in my mess is probably not what you want.” I shrugged, staring at the backdoor of the cottage with memories of my hallucination scratching at the back of my mind.

“I’m severely lacking purpose, Nicholas. I’m afraid of becoming a copy of who I was on Earth.” I bit my lip, feeling embarrassed. “That sounds stupid, saying it outloud.” He chuckled.

“Trust me, I get it.” My lip twitched up into a quiet smile.

“But you had purpose on Earth. And on this planet.”

“You think I didn't have an existential crisis when I got here?” I rolled my eyes.

“I think you were a soldier and a doctor, and your instincts were much sharper than my own.” He laughed loudly, stopping his writing again to look up.

“Any instincts I had were replaced by blood-lust and anger.” I gave him a somber look as he stretched his fingers, cracking the bones. He sighed slowly, sitting back in his seat. “You’re gonna figure it all out, Claire. I promise.” His expression dropped when he suddenly looked to the window. My stomach dropped.

“What?” I asked quickly. He sighed.

“I think it’s just Rahmiel,” he assured. I let out the breath that I had been holding, putting a hand to my chest in relief. I turned to the window to find his form in the darkness, but I couldn’t see anything. He looked down at the table, picking up his pen again. “It’s in a safe place, right?” I knew he meant the map.

“Yes,” I said quietly.

“They can know about this, but not that, okay?” I nodded. The dictionary would definitely be useful with Adriel, but the map was going to have to stay a secret. The door opened, making me jump. I looked to the front door.

“Rahmiel,” I breathed out. “Hi.” He gave me a warm smile, which I did my best to return, noticing a hint of relief cross his face as I did.

“Good evening you two.” He suddenly looked to the staircase with concern. I nearly frowned, but held my smile. “Where’s Adriel?” he asked slowly. I shrugged.

“He left,” I stated simply.

“He left about a ninety minutes ago. Don’t know where he ran off too, though.” Rahmiel nodded, eyeing the staircase again before heading up. I looked back at Nicholas with nervous eyes. He shared a reassuring smile. Something changed in his expression and he opened his mouth to say something, but closed it.

“What?” I asked. He shook his head.

“I don’t want to be rude.” I laughed.

“Go ahead, I can take it.” He licked his lips, trying to search for what to say.

“You’re not exactly human, are you?” I took in a breath.

“Well, that’s what I’ve heard,” I said with a laugh. He nodded.

“I’m sorry, I was just curious. You smell like… fire. It’s quite intriguing, if you don't mind me saying.” I looked down at my hands, trying not to feel flattered by such a weird compliment.

“I just don’t know why. I’m... not sure what I am,” I admitted. I hadn’t thought about it since Adriel had mentioned it my first day here. A thought came to me. “Maybe that’s my purpose,” I suggested positively. He smiled.

“And if there’s anything I can do, let me know.” I nodded once, smiling gratefully.

“Thank you.” I heard Rahmiel’s door close upstairs and his footsteps coming back down the stairs a moment later, dressed in different clothes. Rahmiel took his place in the arm chair next to me.

“So what have you two been up to?” My heart skipped with nervousness.

“Just talking,” he answered before I had the chance to stutter out an excuse. I was grateful. “I’ve been helping Claire with her Sanen,” he said, showing Rahmiel the page he’d written up. He seemed impressed.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Rahmiel mused, smiling at me. I humored him with a smile.

“I was actually just about to head out,” Nicholas chimed. I looked at him quickly.

“What for?” I asked.

“I have an investigation to continue. I’m going to spend the night in town. I have a lead to follow.” Nicholas stood up, leaning over the table to hand me the Sanen dictionary. I took it, flashing him a grateful smile.

“Good luck,” I said.

“Take care out there,” Rahmiel added.

“No worries.” Nicholas grabbed his cloak from the rack against the wall, and headed out, winking at me as he left. I tried to drop a smile that threatened to form, looking down at my hands. When I was able to shake it I looked up at Rahmiel, who was already looking at me.

“I am glad that you two were able to become better acquainted,” he said calmly. I nodded.

“He’s a good man.” I looked down, inspecting the paper. He had careful writing- small, script letters with no errors. “And I’m grateful that he was able to write this all down for me. Adriel’s lessons were starting to be too much to remember without writing it down.” Rahmiel nodded in understanding.

“It was a very good idea.” I put the paper on the table, turning to him. I had so many things I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure where to start. A part of me wanted to confront him. About everything. But, I knew that no good would come from that. If anything, I would need time to work it out of him. I decided to start with something small.

“Can you tell me more about your work with the king?” I finally asked. After I had said it, I realized that the question was dangerously close to ‘how was your day?’ which made me purse my lips once he took in a breath and looked up to the ceiling thoughtfully.

“I began working for him 63 years ago. An empathic healer is not a rare gift among the Heavenly angels, necessarily. It is quite rare, however, to find an angel who will embrace their gift to aid others. As I told you… it can be painful. It’s a physically and emotionally taxing responsibility. They use me like a sponge so that they may forget their pain and their sins.” He smiled glibly. “And there are plenty of both.” I frowned sympathetically.

“I’m sorry,” I said. He continued to smile.

“Babysitting Adriel is a far worse fate, trust me.” I laughed.

“I believe you.”

“Well,” he continued. “When I arrive at the castle, I report to the King’s advisors. They direct me to whichever member of the court I will be attending to for the day. Sometimes I have many sessions in one day. Sometimes I have one short session in a day. When I work with the King, my days are usually long.”

“Because he’s not a good man?” I asked to confirm what I knew. He nodded.

“He is an unkind man; ill-suited for a position of great power. I dread the days that I spend with him.”

“Have you ever worked with Queen Lillian?” Rahmiel shook his head.

“My powers do not work on angels.” I frowned.

“That seems unfair.” He shrugged.

“Angels were created to aid humans, in the beginning. Our god wanted us to protect those who could not protect themselves. Angels were given the power to physically heal themselves, which is all He ever thought we would need. We were never meant to feel any emotion past loyalty,” he laughed. “Angels were first and foremost soldiers. He didn’t think we would ever need to forget emotional pain,” he added sadly. My heart panged with sorrow for him. He loved her- Namina.

How could he be punished for loving someone? What else are they not telling me? I asked myself.

“Can angels heal humans physically?” I asked, somewhat rhetorically. Rahmiel nodded slowly.

“There are actually some dark angels who can heal humans physically. But finding one who is actually willing to heal a human is very rare.” I let that sink in for a minute. “Dark angels have always been more physical; light angels more emotional,” he said with an ironic smile. I nodded, wanting to keep digging while Rahmiel was willing to tell the truth.

“Can you tell me about the Magistrate?” I realized that no one had told me much about it, though it sounded important. He seemed shocked at this request. He took a few moments to collect his thoughts.

“The Magistrate is a group of angels, two dark and three light, who oversee the political matters of the angels of Aksan. We do not have kings and queens. We have the Magistrate. They can be found in Leraust, in the north, in the country Vow.” I nodded, remembering the city from the map. It felt so good to have a picture in my mind now. A thought occurred to me.

“Hey, do you guys have a map of the world?” Rahmiel shrugged.

“I do not believe so, no. Don’t worry. Someday I’ll take you around the country and we can see it all.” I smiled tightly back at him.

“Sure,” I lied. At least I had asked. Now I knew for sure. Now I knew that he did not want to support my independance. I yawned suddenly. “I didn’t realize how tired I was,” I laughed lightly. “Damaiit.” I wished him good night with a wave.

“Damaiit, Claire. Ravdexant dae. Dream well.” I smiled at him once more, holding my dictionary at my side and heading off to my room.

Another day through.

How many more do I have here? I thought.

I left the paper on my desk and got into bed. It was a cool night, so I snuggled into bed, grateful for the simple comfort.

Will I sleep in the woods? Will I have to steal food?

I bit my lip. I suppose these were good things to think about. I had to plan well before I finally left. I knew I could try to steal from the angels before I left.

You can’t steal from Nicholas, Claire. He’s a good man.

I would get as far as I could with the angels’ money. I knew that I could find cheap supplies in Beythas.

Cal could help you.

Cal seemed to like me well enough. Adriel had said that he was a liar, but…

But so is Adriel.

My mind raced.

Sithen. I will go to Herith. To Simon’s kingdom.

The angels would not think to look for me there. I could make a life for myself there.

I fell into a restless sleep after much anxious planning.