My Ocean

This is my ocean. It isn’t made out of water. There aren’t stormy grey clouds above it and the air doesn’t smell of salt. But this is my ocean. An ocean of gold that stretches on for miles across the flat plains. The sun above makes it gleam and the air makes it ripple. Like the ocean, the unknown dwells beneath its surface. Rattlesnakes, insects that lurk on the stalks. But if you’re quiet enough, wait long enough, you can see beautiful things. A doe walking with her graceful steps and her baby fawn leaping to see over the tall wheat. From my spot atop this hill, a rarity here, I can see it all.

The weight is heavy in my arms. My wrinkled fingers grip it tightly. The wind blows wildly, pressing my skirt back so that it resembles trousers more than the flow-y article of clothing that it really is. I’ve tried to contain my hair but the wind blows it from its braid and it dances around my head.

There has been little happiness in my life for months now. But with the wind, with my ocean in front of me, I feel free. Freer than I have in a long, long time. I close my eyes.

His name was Theodore but he hated that name.

“Theodore sounds like an old person’s name,” Teddy grumbled. We were at a fancy dinner that his parents were throwing. His family was wealthy. They came from old money, back down in the cotton plantations in the South. But Teddy’s father, Wilson David Maxwell the Third, moved up here to the Midwest. He started growing wheat and made a fine business out of it.

Every one of Mr. Maxwell’s friends would come up to Teddy, gush about how they remembered him as a small boy, only they always referred to him as Theodore.

“That’s how I weed out the people I knew and the people I knew,” Teddy explained. “I went by Teddy as a kid. It was socially acceptable for a four-year-old to go by Teddy. But,” Teddy widened his eyes for dramatic effect and I giggled, “god forbid a nineteen-year-old go by such a childish name.” He rolled his eyes.

I linked my arm through his. “Well, I think Teddy is a perfect name,” I told him, grinning.

Teddy smiled at me and pressed a quick kiss to my temple. His breath tickled my neck when he spoke into my ear, “Well, Teddy thinks you’re perfect.” When he pulled away, he winked. I could feel my face flush with happiness.

“I do hope you two don’t plan on canoodling at dinner,” Mrs. Maxwell said, smiling as she approached us. If possible, I’m sure my face turned even redder. “Delilah, you look stunning, my dear.” I glanced down at my dress. It’s been passed down for ages and patched up more times than I can count. Then I looked at Mrs. Maxwell’s dress. It’s perfectly tailored and probably has only been worn just this once.

Still, I smiled and said, “Thank you, Mrs. Maxwell,” I replied. “You look lovely as always.”

She smiled politely and kissed Teddy on the cheek before floating off to mingle with other guests. I relaxed against Teddy’s side. He placed his hand over mine and whispered just so I could hear. “I think you’re ten times more beautiful than any girl here.”

Unlike Teddy, I didn’t come from old money. Or any money at all. My family had been struggling to survive since we first got here. Our farm wasn’t very big and our house was even smaller. But we’d lived there for five generations. This year had been a bad one for crops and even big-time producers like Teddy’s dad were suffering. But they had enough money to survive on comfortably whereas my family was having to go without meals. My clothes had begun to hang on my increasingly bony frame.

I smiled at him and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his lips quickly. His brown eyes got that look in them. It was a look I was beginning to know well, a look that thrilled me to the very core. Teddy glanced around and then guided me towards the stairs. We were ten feet away when we were stopped by a handsome young man and what appeared to be his date.

Teddy went rigid. “Hello, Theodore,” the man said. He had a lilting British accent, much stronger than Teddy’s, which faded a little more every day. Then he smiled. It was not a friendly smile. “Or do you still prefer to be called Teddy?” He sneered at the name. I didn’t like this man.

“Alex,” Teddy said stiffly.

The man’s, Alex’s, smile grew. “Do you remember Marilyn?” The blonde girl at his side smiled in a much nicer way. She even gave a small curtsy.

“Yes,” Teddy murmured. “Lovely to see you again.” This was part of propriety that I’d never envied. You had to be polite and gracious even to people you loathed. It was expected of you and if you didn’t, it was a scandal so big that everyone knew. Where I lived, if someone was being an ass to you, you punched them. There was a fight and when it was over, everyone went back to their day. But here, in high society, you couldn’t fight like that. Any fighting had to be sneaky and backstabbers hid behind every corner.

Alex looked at me. “Are you going to introduce me to your friend?”

Teddy pressed his lips together in a tight line. “Alex, this is Delilah. Delilah, this is Alex. We went to school together.” I glanced from Teddy to Alex. Teddy spoke very little about his schooling. His family had sent him to London to go to boarding school. He’d only gotten back a year ago, which was when I met him.

I could see the slight similarities between the two men. They both held their backs straight and their chin up. But Alex made it seem like he thought you were beneath him. Teddy seemed much more friendly and approachable.

“I thought I might have a word,” Alex said.

Teddy’s grip on me tightened. “I’m afraid I’m a little busy.”

Alex looked me up and down. “Yes, I see that,” he said. His tone conveyed disapproval. Marilyn smiled at me apologetically. “This will only take a moment.” Teddy sighed.

“Go ahead,” I said softly.

Teddy gave me a quick kiss. “I won’t be long,” he promised. Then he and Alex strode off, leaving Marilyn and I to stand awkwardly together.

She’s the one who broke the silence. “I’m sorry about Alex,” she said. “He can be a, ah, a bit rude.” Her voice was airy. She was very petite, with soft features and beautiful blue eyes. She reminded me of a fairy, all white-blonde hair and wispy body. “But he’s a good guy, deep down.” Her eyes widened. “Way, way deep down.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What’s the deal with them?” I asked her.

For a moment, Marilyn was silent. “Well,” she said slowly. “At school, they used to be friends. But then, in their tenth year, Teddy got a girlfriend.” Her cheeks reddened and I knew that she was talking about herself. Teddy had been with this girl. I suddenly felt very lumpy and unattractive in comparison. “And Alex, he, uh, liked this girl, too.” I could see where this was going. “The girl, she really liked Teddy. But there was something about Alex that drew her to him. So she ended things with Teddy. He never forgave Alex. They’ve hated each other ever since.”

I frowned. “Why does Alex hate Teddy?”

“Alex thinks that Teddy wrongfully hates him. That he didn’t do anything wrong. So he hates Teddy because Teddy hates him.”

We didn’t have a chance to say anything else. Teddy and Alex came back. Alex took Marilyn’s arm and led her away without so much as a word. I grabbed Teddy’s hand and we started for the stairs again. Teddy led the way but he seemed much more distracted. I stayed quiet until we found a more private place.

Teddy’s bedroom was very neat. His bed had hospital corners and everything in his closet was evenly spaced. “Wow,” I said. “Did your parents send you to boarding school or boot camp?” The joke was supposed to lighten the mood but all it did was make Teddy shoot me a dirty look. I’d never seen him so glum. I sat down beside him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked him. He didn’t say anything. So I stood up and peered around his room. I’d only been inside once before and it had been too dark to do any real snooping. Teddy hated being at home and so we rarely came to his house. It was only when his mother and father requested us for dinner that we spent time here together. And we never stayed for very long. Teddy liked my house. He called it homey and warm. And it was, I guess. But it was so small.

There was a picture of Teddy on a horse on top of his bureau. “Is this you?” Teddy stood up and looked over my shoulder at the picture.

He nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Me and Figaro.” He didn’t offer anything else and I sighed. Teddy wrapped his arms around me and put his chin on top of my head. “I’m sorry that Alex ruined our evening.” I shrugged as best I could. He pressed his lips against my forehead. “I love you, Del.”

It was the first time he’d ever said the words out loud. They’d been implied many times and I’d said it before. But he’d never said it back. It had never bothered me that he didn’t return the sentiment. I knew he loved me. But he’d said it. I looked him in eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck, dragging his face down to mine. Our lips met with eager ferocity. Our hands grappled at each other’s bodies. I gasped at the sudden impact of the bed meeting my back. With the party below us, we explored the depths of each other. I melted into him and there was no his body or my body. There was just us, together, skin on skin, with no beginning and no end. A single being.