Burning Hope

With graduation within a couple of days, I begin to feel anxious. My friends and I are out and about, just having lunch at one of our favorite cafés. Jamie is holding onto the idea of Hollywood and Ashley and Richard have given up on trying to convince him otherwise.

“Fine Jamie,” Richard sighed, “If you want to go to California so badly for Hollywood then fine. As long as we’re all together I could care less what you do.”

“Plus, Kyle applied himself to a college in that state and got accepted, so why don’t we all just move over there and live there. I mean we all will be together that way,” Ashley shrugged at her suggestion.

“B-But what about the colleges you guys want to go to?” I asked suddenly. I mean I know they applied somewhere too; I don’t want them to drop everything just because of Jamie and I.

Richard laughed, “I’m not going to college anymore. School is just not sitting with me well anymore, but I don’t know what Ashley is going to do.”

“I can still make a living off my art! I mean I could sell it if anything, so there’s nothing to worry about,” she rolled her eyes as if it’s nothing.

“Well, then what about the moving cost?” I questioned, “We can’t do this blindly.”

“Got it covered!” Jamie announced, “Well, more like my parents do anyways.”

“You can’t steal from them,” I deadpanned.

“Yes I can,” Jamie rolled his eyes, “What are they doing to do? Nothing. Jack shit. I want to do something with my life and I’m doing anything possible to get there.”

I sighed, giving up and trying to convince him. That’s another trait that he has that scares me, he won’t stop at anything or even question anything to get what he wants. It’s a gift and a curse to be that determined…or stupid. Whichever it is Jamie has it and it’s frustrating. Later on that day, Richard, Ashley, Jamie and I came back to my house to play some video games. I walked into the kitchen with Jamie behind me, ready to tell my parents about the plan my friends and I have come up with. Hopefully they’ll be pleased.

“Um, mama?” I called out, “Can I talk to you and papa for a moment please? Jamie and I have something to tell you.”

“That you’re pregnant?” my father joked and I sighed out in annoyance.

“With my baby!” Jamie shouted and I punched him in the stomach.

My mom laughed and smiled sweetly at me, “What do you really want to say hunny?”

“Well, my friends and I have faith in Jamie and his dream so we want to move out to California and live there. I know this may seem like a jump, but why not?” I shrugged.

My parents looked at me shocked before my dad spoke, “This is definitely a surprise. We’ll think about it Kyle.”

Jamie and I smiled widely and thanked my parents before dashing back to my room with the news. Sure they said they’ll think about it, but I know they’ll say yes. That’s just how they are and I love them for it. After a couple more hours of hanging out, Richard and Ashley decide to call it a night and head home. Jamie and I said goodbye to them and headed back to my room. Lately Jamie hasn’t been going back to his house, not that I mind really, it’s just I still wonder. I don’t ask him about it because I already know the answer, instead I watched him cross the room and laid down next to me.

“Graduation is in two days and then we’ll be free Kyle,” Jamie sighed happily, “We have our lives to start!”

“I guess you can say that Jamie,” I shrugged, “I mean it might seem all fun and games at first, but we’ll be really on our own. Who knows what could happen to a bunch of teenagers.”

Jamie sat up and smiled his carefree smile, “A lot can happen to anyone, but if I do make it into Hollywood.”

I cut him off, “If you do and that’s only and if,” I stressed.

He sighed, “Baby, I will and when I do we’ll be rolling in money and not having a care in the world!”

“You’re too carefree and it’s kind of scary Jamie,” I chuckled at him, he just rolled his eyes and brought me down next to him.

“Well, you’re too uptight so we balance each other out perfectly,” Jamie smiled at me and he’s right about it too. We do balance each other out and I’m thankful for that.

After a moment of silence fell over us, I thought for sure I would be asleep. I know it’s around eleven o’clock at night, but I don’t feel tired. I’m anxious and awake, almost getting nervous for what will happen later on. I nearly jumped up when I felt the bed shift; Jamie must’ve woken up or something. I heard his feet shuffle across the carpeted floor and hear him yawn loudly. I bite my lip to suppress a giggle and keep my eyes closed. I’m curious to know what he will do when he thinks he’s alone. I pretend to shift in my sleep, but really I just wanted a better view of him. He won’t know if I’m awake or not unless he walked back over to the bed and actually stared at my face. Thank God for the darkness of the room. I lie still on the bed as I see Jamie’s silhouette pick up the guitar and begin strumming chords. I guess he got another song in his head.

He hummed a tune before I actually heard his voice, “There’s a train leaving town, if you hurry up I think you just might make it. Damn it I hope you make it,” he paused for a moment then continues, “Conscience is a faint, unpleasant sound. You’ve worried enough, but here’s your chance so take it,” I heard him sing sadly and it breaks my heart.

“Damn it Kyle I hope you take it. You worry too much about everything,” he says softly and I had to resist the urge to say anything. I want to know what he doesn’t tell me. I heard him strum another chord, “A heart attack is sleeping in your chest, waiting until the timing’s best. So make a move while you’re still breathing,” he’s strumming harder on the guitar and begins to sing louder, “Say so long to innocence from underneath the evidence. You taste like Heaven, but God knows you’re built for sin. You’re built for sin,” another pause is made and I’m going to assume he’s writing this song down.

I think the verse he sang over and over in my head, trying to understand what he meant. I don’t want to sound like I’m wrapped up in my boyfriend’s thoughts, but if that were the case then the lyrics are about me. I mean, it makes sense and the more I think about it the more the lyrics reflect off me. I know for a fact that I won’t mention this to Jamie since he doesn’t even know I’m awake and listening to him. The soft sound of the guitar broke me out of my thoughts as Jamie continues the song.

“There’s a lie for every truth, if you take these pills I think you just might make it. Damn it I hope you make it,” his voice was quiet as he sang, but the next line he sings makes my smile turn into a frown, “When you were mine, was I for you? Just one cheap thrill just to help you make it, damn it I hope you didn’t fake it.”

Maybe I’m overthinking this song, but some of it relates to how I am. I want to stop him from singing the song so I can ask these haunting questions, but I hold my tongue. I let him continue since maybe I’m not seeing the whole picture.

“Hypocrisy has really aged you well. The white on your nose is your secret to tell, so you should speak while they’re still listening,” he strummed the guitar harder and raises his voice to sing louder. Something changes in his voice, something deep and it nearly brings tears to my eyes.

“You can scream out loud, but your panic falls on deaf ears. This is where you brought yourself and this is what you’ve always feared. There’s a faceless crowd with no sympathy. So you can scream out loud, but there’s no one listening!” his angelic voice is dripping in sadness and then it hits me. Yes, this song is partially about me but it’s also about Jamie.

He’s singing about his past, way before he met me. He was alone and no one heard him, cared about him or even saw him. Jamie was invisible to everyone including his parents, which is why he doesn’t have such a great relationship with them. Hearing him continue the song, the chorus I believe, I think about in a different light. He lost his innocence long ago and had to grow up fast. Even though he acts dumb and dreams big, he’s only doing that to prove someone wrong. I’m just wondering who? Ever since I met him that’s all he seems to be doing, trying to prove someone wrong. It can’t be me or our two friends, no matter how many times they said otherwise. In the end they always had faith in Jamie.

I breathe out a sigh and rolled over to actually get some sleep. I want to ask him these questions, but then I’ll have to explain myself. Explain how I came up with the questions and knowing Jamie he would answer my question with another question. I closed my eyes as I felt a dip in the bed and a pair of arms wrap themselves around me. Feeling his warm breath fan my neck sends shivers down my spine. His legs tangled themselves with mine as he gets comfortable to sleep. I wish I could fall asleep as easily as he did, but my mind is racing thanks to that song he sang.