I Wish

„Jeordie!” A scream came to my ears from the distance. Or maybe it was just a few meters? I didn’t know anything anymore.
I felt like something was nesting inside me, yanking, pricking. I couldn’t open my eyes, I was just bending over a bath. Tears were trickling from my eyes and it seemed like I was bleeding. I felt a little warm stream flowing from my mouth. Was it spit, blood? Vomit? I didn’t know anything at all. I didn’t even wanted to know anything. I felt like I was passing away but it was just… no, it wasn’t matter, too. I wanted just to fall down, there was no more air to inhale.
“Jeordie, goddamit, open your eyes!” I heard the voice again, a voice somewhere behind the wall, or maybe behind a pane… I knew that voice but I couldn’t collect my thoughts on anything anymore.
“Brian” I just thought. All I wanted was to cry.
I felt hands on my body. When I was opening my eyes, the shiny walls seemed to touch me like some rubber gloves and I felt like I was bitten by rasps. I didn’t even feel pain anymore. There was just so stuffy. Horribly stuffy.
Then… then there was nothing.

I woke up in a light room. I opened my eyes and the walls seemed to shining in my eyes. Then in one second I felt I was lacking in air. If I could, I screamed in pain. I thought that hundreds of needles dig my body together. All my body seemed to burn in pain.
Suddenly someone grabbed my hand. If I’d be able to, I jumped.
“You woke up, finally.” I turned my head right and I saw Brian.
I took a deep breath looking in his brown eyes. Worried eyes.
“Brian, I… Why the hell I’m here?” I asked quietly feeling that I was blushing.
“I found you in the bathroom, Jeordie… What did you take?” He grabbed gently my hand.
“I don’t know… I was in the bar, firstly, cocaine. I walked farther, I don’t remember… I have even no idea how I ended up in home. I just don’t remember. I’m so sorry.” - I mumbled and then I started to cry. I couldn’t stand how many troubles I caused. Again.
“I was just worrying about you. You’ve never looked so… terribly. You’ve never been so pale, you just… I thought you really wouldn’t wake up.” He said looking at me. I didn’t see a claim in his eyes. Maybe it was a grief but mostly it was just a sadness. It made me want to die. I said that.
“Jeordie… I feel pity because I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want you to die because you don’t deserve it. You’re awesome and I love you, I love you the most in the world but… You can’t destroy yourself, don’t make me have to save your life again.”
I felt he was kissing the corner of my lips. Then he moved away.
“Don’t go… Please” I said quietly, so quietly I could barely hear my own voice. “I love you.”
“And the worst part of your love is that I’m not able to handle it” He whispered looking at me sadly. “I can’t tolerate you acting as a child who thinks that the whole world hangs around you. Maybe it’s too much. Maybe I just don’t want to make myself behave like that. It’s not what I want to. You’re not. Not now.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, Twiggy.” Marilyn said quietly looking in my eyes. I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t even move.
“I’ll change, I promise.” I whispered pleadingly.
“I know. I’d like to say I’ll wait for it. You know me. You know what I’ll do even if I don’t yet.”

He left me alone.
That was all I deserved.
I closed my eyes.

You know what I’ll do.

I wish, Marilyn, I wish.