Would You Bargain With Hell?

I felt a drop on my face. Like a tear from above me. The moldy ceiling panel dripped below my eye. I flinched and stared at it. My mind betrayed me, thinking of happiness like I’d told it not to do. I couldn’t be thinking of happiness because the more that I did the more I want it and the more I wanted it the more I would want to leave. And I can never leave.

I shut my eyes tight in a fail attempt to redirect my brain. I saw an outline, the outline of a face. A slender face, a perfect face. The features filled in. I saw the long shaggy hair and shook my head. The picture shook out and I unclenched my sweaty fist. Mason could be no more. I couldn’t have him. It was selfish of me to think I could. I was to be blessed to have what I was given and no more.

I would be with Patrick and I would be happy. Happy. Yes, happy with Patrick. I nodded, swallowing a feeling in my gut. Swallowing the feeling I knew Mason would have. For once in my life I felt like someone honestly gave a shit and I hurt him. I was hurting Mason and I had to.

I was already dressed. My thin frame was covered by a grey silk dress. Knee-length as spoke formal to Grace. I knew he wouldn’t be long so I tightened the laces around the brace and fumbled to get up. I pulled myself into the taunting hallway. I stumbled, leaning heavily on the wall.

I collapsed at the large dinner table. I dropped my head.

“Rayder!” I heard a happy caw from the hall. Footfall followed the click of heels as well as regular men’s shoes. Grace charged in, huge smile and all. Patrick followed behind her. His hair dirtied and blonder than I remembered.

“I was just showing Mister Howell around. Goody you’re already here. I’ve asked Sophie to prepare you two some food. Enjoy.” She smiled and walked off. I sat up.

Patrick walked over, his face unsure his eyes deep. He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, sitting adjacent to me.

We sat in silence. He stared straight ahead; I could hear his breath uneven. I swallowed.

“I’m sorry.”

His head turned fast, to catch my eyes. “Why?”

“I shouldn’t have acted that way around you Mister Howell and I apologize.”

He wrinkled his nose and shifted his head back awkwardly. “What?! What happened to you Rayder? Why are you calling me Mister Howell, why are you even apologizing?”

“I didn’t act like a lady. I didn’t act like a Tamerlane and I apologize.”

“Don’t! You’re not a lady, and you’re not a goddamn Tamerlane and you’re brilliant just how you are. You’re not some pet or some trophy girlfriend okay? You’re Rayder Daisy.”

I shook my head. “I thought you hated me.”

“I didn’t hate you.”

“Patrick.”

“Yes?”

“How did you know my middle name?”

“You told me.” His breathing spaced out more.

“No I didn’t.”

He sighed. “When you told me you were adopted I got to doing some research. Not for my benefit, I did it because I thought you should have the liberty to know who you really were.”

My breath caught in my throat. “Did you find anything?”

“Yes.”

I choked down hope, I needed to remain professional. “Well, thank you, but it’s not necessary Patrick, I’m a Tamerlane now and that is all that matters.”

“I thought you were different.” He pushed back in his chair and stood.

I cracked; I didn’t want him to go. For numerous reasons which I couldn’t calculate at the time. I lunged to grab him but fire shot up my side and I fell tears streaming down my face.

I groaned and saw him kneel.

“God, are you okay?” He propped me up in his arms.

I met his gaze and through teared eyes said as plain and truthfully as ever. “No.”

He stared at me, as if seeing right through me. He held me close, my head laid against his chest. Hearing his slow heartbeat. He kissed my hair.

Sophie walked in, with a covered silver tray; she set it down quickly then kneeled beside me.

“Miss Rayder are you okay?” She propped her frail hand on my knee.

“I’m okay Sophie.”

“Maybe it would be good to loosen the brace a bit, remind me after your date Miss.”
I nodded and Patrick helped me back into my seat.

He lifted the lid and revealed a large helping of pasta. I licked my lips, but Patrick put the lid back on. “What happened Rayder?”

“Um. Nothing, I fell from my window and cracked a rib.”

“Rayder, I care about you and I guess I don’t understand why you don’t believe that. But you really do mean something to me. You’re so different than everyone else, everyone I meet in this kind of reality. I’ve been set up with a lot of girls. Never really expected much, then I met you. You’re so great and you’ve got no idea. Something’s going on and I will find out what it is.” He lifted the lid again and poured some noodles onto his plate.

I didn’t know what to say. The truth was never an option, I’d become accustomed to lies. I stayed silent and grabbed a few noodles. We were silent through dinner. HE wiped his mouth.

“It’s weird.” He said, setting his fork on his plate.

“What?” I asked staring at my food.

“Us, I guess. It’s weird.”

“How?”

“It’s something I haven’t experienced before. Like, you are different I know but it’s weird because I almost feel like I’ve known you for the longest time. Like we grew up together.” His eyes were deep, the cerulean blue colour.

I smiled, shaking images of Mason out of my head. He was gone. That is what would be best.

“Maybe it isn’t smart though.”

I looked at him. “Why isn’t it smart?”

“You don’t trust me, and honestly I’m not sure you fancy me as much as you say.” He pushed his plate away from his body.

“You are a really good guy Patrick. Like an exception human and I am very lucky to even know you let alone . . . love you.” He grinned.

“Show me your room.”

“Why?”

“I’d just really like to see it.”

“I don’t think Grace would want you in my room.” I thought, because then he would see my room, and my room isn’t fit to be lived in.

“Grace won’t mind dear.”

“I can’t really walk either.”

He nodded subtly. “I guess that’s fair.”

Although, we had made up in most aspects there was this unusual tension between Patrick and I. Previously I had begun to fancy him, but now I almost felt inferior to him. Like I had when we first met. The crooked smile on his face taunting me somehow.

“How old are you?” He asked with a plain face.

“Seventeen.”

“Right, are you going to school still?”

I shook my head “I was homeschooled.”

“Okay.” Patrick examined his watch and then stood. “I should be going now. I’ll see you soon.”

The lack of Patrick’s awkward pet name left a sick taste in my mouth. Something was wrong here, something.