Seize The Day.

She watched Zacky as he disappeared and then turned to Johnny, “He just doesn’t like talking about himself does he?” Johnny laughed, “Nah, he’s more of a listening kinda guy I guess. It’s better than him never shutting up though.” She smiled, “Yea, I guess.” She sat down in the chair that they’d just been sitting in together. She looked around the bus; it was so quiet, almost peaceful in a way. The guys were a lot quieter and a lot chiller than the fandom gave them credit for. She always thought that they were partying 24/7 but in reality, they had after-parties after shows most of the time and that was it. Most of the time they just hung out with each other. She liked that about them. It made them seem more human in a way.
She looked down at her necklace, it was so simple but it held so much meaning. It was like if it were anything more complex looking, all the emotion behind it would be lost. She took it off from around her neck and set it on the table. She swirled it around on the chain a few times before it slipped out from under her finger and slid off the table and into the wall on the other side of the bus. She slowly got up and picked it up and put it back on before she lost it again.
She turned to say something to Arin but saw him passed out on the couch. She smiled and put a blanket over him. Johnny chuckled and she flashed him a quick death-glare. He put his hands up, “Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you.” He laughed and leaned back against the chair he was sitting in. He put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. Jenny smiled at the two of them as she pulled out her iPod and plugged the headphones in. She flipped through all of the artists that she had. She went past her Avenged Sevenfold since she would be hearing most of those songs in a few nights anyway. She stopped on Breaking Benjamin and put it on shuffle on all their songs. She closed her eyes but didn’t quite fall asleep. She was in that state in between sleep and consciousness. She was just awake enough to be able to think, but not so awake that she was truly aware of all that was going on around her. She let the music fade until it was just background noise and she just sat there thinking. She rested her head on her hands on the table. She thought about everything from her parents, to Corey and Melody, to her cutting, and even her ex-boyfriend Michael. It seemed to take over her mind in a swirl of thoughts and regrets. She turned the music up a little bit, hoping that it would block out some of the thoughts, but it only seemed to amplify them.
She didn’t even notice the tears running down her face, but Johnny must’ve because he came over and wiped them off her cheek as he wrapped a blanket around her. He gently pulled the earphones out of her ears and set the iPod on the table and walked away. She opened her eyes and watched him as he walked to the front of the bus to take over driving for Matt.
When Matt walked back she closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. Arin must’ve woken up though because she heard Matt sit down next to him and start talking to him. She wanted so badly to open here eyes but at the same time, she wanted to know if they would talk about anything interesting if they thought she was asleep. It started off as them talking about just regular band stuff, like where they were performing next and what songs were on the setlist. But then, Matt asked him, “You think we should keep her?” There was a pause, and Jenny tried to picture what Arin’s face might’ve looked like. Was he shocked? Upset? She couldn’t really picture it. Matt spoke up again, “Come on man, all personal feelings aside. I was talking to Johnny about it and he said that she could really do the band some good. But he doesn’t know if she could handle all the shit that might get thrown at her by fans. I mean, you know how psycho they can be.” There was another pause and she pictured Arin nodding his head in understanding. He finally said something, “I think that she’s got a lot of skill and I think that she could definitely add something good to the band. But Johnny’s right, I’m not so sure if she can handle all the hate she might get. And it’s not because she’s a bad singer, but the fans don’t handle change all that well. Trust me, I know.” Jenny pictured him looking down at his hands as he said that. Matt spoke again, “So you think we should keep her?”
There was a long pause, and Jenny was getting kind of nervous, but she knew that she couldn’t blow it now. If they found out that she had been listening the whole time, well, she didn’t know what would happen. But she couldn’t imagine it being a good thing. “I think that we should keep her for now and see what happens. I mean, see what the majority of the fans do and then how she handles everything. I mean, she could be a definite asset to the band.” Jenny was surprised at how professional he was about it. Maybe he really didn’t have any feelings for her more than friendship? “Well,” she thought silently to herself, “You knew that already.” And even though she said that to herself, she still wished that he actually had feelings for her. It’d be like an amazing story. But she knew that it’d be too good to be true.
She heard one of them stand up; she assumed it was Matt. “Alright then,” he said as she heard him start to walk away, “I’m gonna ask the guys.” She heard Arin sigh and she wanted to know what he was thinking. “If I could see his face, I’d be able to tell…” she thought to herself. She wondered if he was relieved that it was over, or if he regretted not saying how he really felt about her. What if he really wanted her to leave but he was just too afraid to say it? What if he didn’t want her there at all to begin with and he was just trying to be nice? All the questions were running around in her mind. She tried to silence them as she tried to strain her ears so she could hear what the guys in the back were saying. But she knew it was no use.
Arin stood up and gently ruffled her hair as he walked to the front of the bus. She opened her eyes and watched him as he walked to the front of the bus to sit up with Johnny. She sat up and pulled the blanket tight around her. She wished that she could’ve seen the facial expressions of the guys when they were talking. It was so hard to tell from just words. Not being able to see their faces made things so much more difficult, especially since there was so much silence between them when they were talking. She put her earphones back in and put a little bit of happier music on. She found all of her music by A Rocket to the Moon and put it on shuffle. Their music always cheered her up a little bit. She leaned back in the chair and took out her phone. She was about to text Corey when she remembered what he had said to her, and she slid it onto the table.
Meanwhile, up in the front of the bus, Arin sat heavily in the passenger seat next to Johnny. Johnny looked at him for a second before returning his gaze to the road, “What’s got you all…like this,” he said as he gestured to Arin’s face with one hand. Arin sighed, “Matt asked me about keeping Jenny in the band.” Johnny raised his eyebrows, “Go on.” Arin looked down at his hands, “Well, Matt said to put all friendships aside. So, well, I told him that I think that she could do great in the band, but I didn’t know if she could handle what the fans might do or say. Or if she could handle the whole lifestyle, you know?” Johnny nodded, “Nah man I totally agree with you. So what’s got you upset?” Arin shrugged, “I don’t want her to leave. She’s so chill. And well, she’s a little more relatable than you guys when it comes to age stuff. No offense.” Johnny laughed, “None taken. But yea I get where you’re coming from. And I don’t want her to leave either. She’s cool and a good singer. And she’s fun to talk to and I feel like there’s so many stories that she could tell. But at the same time, maybe she does need a little time to mature before she becomes a permanent fixture in the band. You shouldn’t worry though man. I mean, as far as I can tell, everyone likes having her here. Even Brian is starting to come around, or trying to at least. So don’t sweat it alright?” Arin nodded and leaned back against the seat with a sigh.
Zacky walked up from the back of the bus and sat down on the couch across from Jenny. She didn’t notice him sitting there for a while; she was so in tune with her music. It was like the rest of the world didn’t exist. Zacky just sat there watching her, wondering what was going on inside her head. She had the slightest hint of a smile on her face as she stared at the screen, but at the same time, her hazel eyes were filled with so much hurt. He wanted to go over and give her a hug and ask her what was wrong, but he didn’t want to destroy that faint trace of a grin that she had. Within the course of a few days, he felt like he had gained a little sister.
She finally peeled her eyes away from the screen. She looked a little startled when she saw Zacky sitting there, but she flashed him a quick smile, “Hey.” He gave her a concerned smile, “Hey…you okay?” She ran her fingers through her hair and gave a half-hearted grin, “I’ll be fine.” He sighed, “That’s not what I asked.” She gave a worn out laugh, “I’m just thinking about friends or…who used to be my friends. I didn’t think that I’d lose my best friend over this, y’know? I mean, this was his idea, meeting you guys I mean. And it’s just like he regrets it now. Or he regrets me now. It sucks.” She gave a shrug as she turned to Zacky for his response. “Well,” he said slowly, “I think that it’s not right of him to make you feel guilty about this. I mean, not trying to sound conceited, but this is the chance of a lifetime. And I don’t think that he has the right to try and make you give it up,” he paused and waited for her to look at him, “Don’t let him do this to you. He has no right.” He walked over and gave her a hug as he kissed the top of her head.
As he walked back to the back of the bus where Syn was, Matt passed him and took his seat. He looked at Jenny, “Can I talk to you for a sec?” She nodded as she paused her music, “’Sup?” He looked her in the eye, and even though Jenny knew what he was going to talk to her about, it was still a little scary. She still had no idea if she was in or not. “So,” he looked down at his hands for a second before looking back up at her, “I’ve been talking to the guys about whether we should keep you or not,” he paused to see what her face looked like, it was pure anticipation and nervousness, “and they all said that we should keep you for a while and see how things go. And, if things go okay and the fans like you and you can handle this kinda gig, then we will consider adding a female deathbat to the designs if you know what I mean.” Jenny laughed as she jumped over onto him and gave him a huge hug, “Oh my god, thank you so much! You guys are the best!” He smiled as he hugged her back, “No prob kid. And besides, I don’t think that Zacky and Johnny would let their new little sister go.” She giggled as she sprawled out on the couch and put her legs across Matt’s lap, “Well, you guys are like the brothers I never had. I love being around you guys all the time.”
Brian walked in as she was saying that and laughed, “Oh, that’ll change soon enough. You’ll get sick of us eventually.” She laughed as he sat down behind her and she leaned her head on his upper-forearm, “Well, I’m sure there’ll be times when I get sick of you, but never sick enough to ditch you guys. In a matter of days, you guys have been a better family than my real one has been for the past eighteen years.” He smiled at her and ruffled her hair. She laughed as she covered her head, “What is it with you guys and doing that to me?” Matt laughed, “Well, ever since Arin cut his hair a little shorter, we haven’t had any overly long hair to fuck up.” She smiled as she pulled it back into a ponytail.
They all felt the bus stop and called up to Johnny asking what was going on. He walked back to them, “We’re running low on gas. That and I wanna pick up some more soda and snacks.” Jenny fake coughed, “And beer.” Johnny laughed as he slapped her upside the head, “Oh, you’re so funny.” She gave him a cheesy grin, “I know, I’m fucking hilarious.”
Matt and Brian stood up and flipped her onto the floor. They laughed and helped her stand back up. Matt stretched his arms above his head, “I’m gonna go and stretch my legs. All this sitting shit is just too much.” Syn and Zacky followed after him, “Yea, same here.” She smiled up at them from the couch, “Alright, I’m gonna stay here. Have fun, don’t die.” All the guys laughed as they walked off the bus.
Jenny looked around and noticed that Arin was m.i.a. She looked around and then finally walked up to the front of the bus where he was sitting in the passenger seat. She sat down next to him in the driver’s seat. She looked at him and smiled. When he didn’t really respond she asked him, “You alright?” He shrugged, “Yea, I guess.” She cocked her head to the side in concern, “What’s wrong?” He shook his head, “Nothing.” She sighed, “Come on, I know something’s wrong.” He looked over at her, and those big eyes that were usually so warm and full of love looked upset, almost angry in a way, “I’m worried about you.” Jenny was a little taken back by the tone in which he said it, “Why? I never gave you anything to worry about.” He gave a sarcastic laugh, “Yea, uh-huh. You just told me that you’ve cut yourself for the past what, six or seven years of your life? Yea, nothing to be concerned about at all.” She was a little angry at how he was acting about all of it, “I never asked you to be concerned alright? You asked me about it and I told you. I never wanted you to get all involved in it. Why don’t you just forget about it?” His eyes grew wider but then narrowed again in anger, “Oh yea, ‘cause it’s that fucking simple. Just ya know, forget that one of the people I care about and see everyday cuts themselves. Yea, sounds simple enough,” he paused and stared down at the ground and started murmuring to himself, “This was supposed to be a great tour. With the new album and everything out now, it was supposed to be easy and stress free. Now I’ve gotta worry about-” Jenny cut him off, her tone was sharp and cold, “Hey, I never said you had to worry about me alright? You don’t even have to care about me or like me. I’m here for vocals, and that’s basically all you guys need me for, and you don’t even really need me. You could just forget about me and your life you go back to normal.” He looked at her, you could read the sadness and anger on his face, “You don’t get it do you? I care about you a lot, and that’s what makes it so hard to forget about. I mean, if I didn’t give a shit about you, yea I’d ignore it. But that’s not how it works. I care about you and I don’t wanna see you hurting yourself.”
Jenny just stared at him as he stared down at his hands. She was about to say something when he finally stood up and walked off the bus. She put her head in her hands and let the tears silently slide down her cheeks. She had finally become close to him, and she just went and screwed it all up. “Why do I have to be so stupid?” she thought to herself as she wiped the tears off her face. All she could see was Arin’s face, so mad and hurt at the same time. She shook her head as if that would make it better. “Maybe he really was lying to Matt. Maybe he really doesn’t want me here.” And even though she said that to herself, she knew it was a lie. She knew that he had meant it when he said he cared, but it still didn’t keep those thoughts from running through her head.
Johnny was the first to walk back onto the bus. He walked to the front looking for Jenny and found her sitting in the driver’s seat just staring out into space. He gently shook her by the shoulder, “Hey, Jenn? You okay?” She shook her head silently. He sat down next to her, “What’s wrong?” She finally looked at him, “Me and Arin had a fight. I never meant to hurt him but it just…happened.” Johnny looked at her confusedly; he had no idea what she was talking about, “What happened?” She wiped one last tear off of her cheek, “Well, the other night, Arin came out when everyone else was asleep and we just sat together on the couch and talked. He asked me about like, my cutting and everything. And apparently it really upset him. And well, I never wanted to do that to him. Now he’s all worried about me and upset and everything. And I snapped at him a little while ago while we were up here talking to each other and it just, I don’t know, I feel like shit about it.”
Johnny gave her a loving smile. He saw how much those two cared about each other. And that was the reason he wanted them to get together so bad, but he wasn’t going to bring that up now. “Look,” he said as he put an arm around her, “you two are great friends. And you guys obviously care about each other a lot. This won’t last long okay? He’ll come back around quick, don’t worry.” She smiled up at him, “Thanks.” She stood up and gave him a hug and headed back to the main part of the bus as the rest of the guys came in. She sat on the couch and Zacky came in and sat in his chair, and Brian and Matt sat down on the couch on either side of Jenny. When Arin walked on, his eyes met Jenny’s for but a second and then he disappeared to the back of the bus without a word.
“Everybody on?” Johnny called back. “Yea!” Matt shouted up to him. As they took off, Jenny looked out the window and thought to herself, “But not really. Not everyone’s really here.”