Rebel Love Song

I've Completely Lost Myself

"Fucking emo faggots!"
"Kill yourself!"
"Ugh! They're such a waste of space!"

The words bounced around in his head, echoing; each time they dug deeper and deeper into Andys mind. He stood in the bathroom of the hotel, gripping the sink tightly as he looked up to look at his reflection.
Eyes bloodshot, bags under his eyes visible due to his lack of sleep, hair was in a tangled mess and the energy drained from his face. How did he end up like this? It was simple. After years of the constant bullying, he had finally broke and began letting the thoughts into his head, and they would never get out. Each word, each sound, each look of disgust, hatred, had killed him inside; he believed them now.
He spent every free minute he had studying his reflection, pointing out every flaw he had and exaggerating them, eventually turning every emotion he had towards himself to self-hatred.
He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath; he frowned more when he opened his eyes, seeing his dreary eyes still looking back at him.
He wanted to be perfect.
Needed to be perfect, for Ashley...
He felt so unloved, unwanted. No matter how many times he tried convincing himself otherwise, he still felt the same.
He knew what he was.
Ugly. Fat. Worthless.
Nothing.
Slowly, his lifeless eyes shifted their gaze down to his pale arm, arguing with himself mentally.
He wanted to feel the numbness of a fresh wound again, just to take away his other worries for a while. But he knew it'd be too obvious, and the last thing he wanted was to hurt Ashley.
He could starve himself, struggle to weigh less so he would feel better about himself.
But the others would notice he wasn't eating.
That left him with one option, and being happy with himself wasn't it.
Quietly, careful not to make a lot of noise, he knelt down in front of the toilet bowl, biting his lip ring anxiously.
Ashley didn't have to find out, did he? No, Andy would be careful to make sure he wouldn't.
Andy opened his mouth, wide enough to press his fingers to the back of his throat; his gag reflex took affect almost instantly and closed the toilet lid, flushing it down. He used some mouth rinse before going back out to Ashley.
"I'm back." He smiled. Ashley smiled back, wrapping an arm around Andys shoulder to pull him close. Andy cuddled up with Ashley in the hotel bed, his thoughts racing as he did his best to keep up the smile that took everything in him.

About a month and half had passed, and Andy had stayed the same, keeping his daily 'routine'. The others didn't seem to notice as much as Ashley had. To Andys relief, tour was over and they were finally home, making it a lot easier.
However Ashley continued to grow suspicious of Andy. Everyday, he would notice Andy sneaking off after eating, causing worry to pool in the pit of his stomach. Ashley loved Andy to much to watch him destroy himself; he wanted to know if something was going on so he could help. Or at least try. He knew how sensitive Andy had been lately, causing him to worry more about him. The amount of hate Andy received only made him worse, despite the tough-guy act he put up on stage.
Andy soon came running back downstairs to rejoin Ashley at the table where they had just finished lunch. Ashley smiled and kissed Andys cheek softly.
"i missed you." he pouted playfully. Andy giggled quietly, leaning in to kiss Ashleys pouty lip.
"Well now I'm here and you don't need to miss me." He chirped. Ashley felt that it was time to confront him about his suspicions, yet was still unsure as to how he should bring up the subject.
"Hey Andy?" He asked.
"Hm?" He looked up.
"Where do you go?"
He was silent for a second.
"Where do I go? When?" He laughed, sounding a bit nervous.
"You know... where do you go after eat? I'm just wondering." He shrugged.
"Oh... I go to the bathroom." He answered as casually as possible.
Ashley nodded and looked away.
"You're not... y'know, doing anything I should know about are you...?" he asked quietly.
"N-no.." He paled, his voice shaky.
"Andy please... tell me..."
"I..." He sighed deeply. "All I want is to be perfect." he whispered, voice breaking as he did so and a few stray tears falling.
"Andy, baby, you are perfect. To me, you're everything. You're my entire world, and i want to know when you're hurting." Ashley whispered, tears dampening Andys shoulder.
"Ash please don't cry... please. I'm sorry, I'll stop. I promise. Just p-please don't cry..." He sobbed, obviously trying to stop.
Ashley took a few deep breaths to hold in the tears and tried to smile at Andy.
"I'll try. And thank you, I promise I'll be there with you, every step of the way." He promised, kissing his forehead. "I love you... never forget that."
♠ ♠ ♠
sorry i had to end that chapter so... yeah e.e Study Hall is about to end which means no more internet ;~; nooo

okie.

Title Credit: Good Enough by Evanescence. <3 :3
haha so yeah xD

I'm sorry thats a sad chapter isn't it ;_; aw i'm sawwy bbyz. and yes, i have switched to 3rd Person xD