It's Not A Fashion Statement...It's a Deathwish.

LUCY’S POV

Three weeks later, I was sitting in my room listening to Morrissey, when my cell phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Lucy?” said Frank.

“Yeah Frankie what’s up?” I asked. “Is something wrong?” I asked. I could hear screaming in the background. People screaming at Gerard with things like “are you crazy?” and “what were you thinking?”

“Um. Yeah something’s very wrong. Can you get over here...like now? We’re in Gerard and Mikey’s basement.”

“Um...sure. Give me a few minutes?” I asked.

“Yeah okay. Bye Luc.” he said and hung up. What was that all about? I got up and switched my shorts for jeans, and threw a hoodie over my tank top. I pulled my hair into a small ponytail nub and ran downstairs. I jumped in my car and sped over to Gerard and Mikey’s house. I could hear the screaming as I let myself in through the front door. I ran down the stairs to the basement.
”What’s going on?” I shouted. Everyone went quiet. Everyone was sitting down, looking furious, except Bob, who was standing in front of Gerard, shoulders arched, face red, breathing hard.

“Oh good.” he said. “Your girlfriend’s here to watch the world end too.” he sat down.

“What’s he talking about?” I asked, turning to the boys and Liz.

“Your boyfriend’s abandoning us.” spat Frank. I looked at Gerard.

“It was Ray who told me to do the art school thing!” said Gerard defensively.
”DON’T LOOK AT ME! I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO MOVE ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY!” shouted Ray.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS GOING ON!” I shrieked. I was pissed. What was this shit about moving across the country? It was Gerard that spoke to explain.

“After we lost the baby...Ray convinced me to do something to get my mind off of things. I told him I’d been looking into an art school, he said go for it. I did. I got accepted to the school...it’s in Utah.” he stopped as I screamed.

“UTAH?!” I shrieked. “GERARD THAT’S...GOD THAT’S...oh...” I collapsed on the couch next to Mikey, who hugged me defensively. Gerard spoke again.
”My old friend Bert, he lives with his band, Quinn, Brandon, and Jeph. I’m gonna stay with them.” he said. I started to cry.

“How long are you gone for?” I asked.

“It’s a four-year school.” he whispered. I let out a huge sob.

“And what about me?” I asked. “What about us? What about the guys? What about the band?”

“Yeah Gerard what about the deal?” asked Frank.

“I don’t know. It can wait.” he said, chin trembling. “Excuse me.” he said, storming up the stairs. I couldn’t be there any more. I ran up the stairs after Gerard, but I let myself out the front door and drove away as fast as possible. When I got home I ran up the stairs and jumped on my bed, landing hard on my stomach. I cried into my pillow, but then had to sit straight up. My pillow still smelled like him. My whole bed smelled like him. Oh god. I ripped the sheets off my bed and threw them in my closet, opting instead to cry into my now bare mattress. I heard someone step into my room and I sat bolt upright.
”You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here now.” I said as Gerard stepped closer to me.
”Lucy...please...I don’t want to leave you like this.” he said.

“Like what?” I asked. “Rejected? Abandoned? Pick a word Gerard! You’re the artist! I’m sure you can make something nice!” I shrieked at him. He shrank back.

“Can’t you understand that I need to do this for me?” he shouted, looking hurt. “I thought you’d be okay with this!”

“OKAY WITH THIS?!” I screamed. “YOU EXPECT ME TO BE OKAY WITH THE MAN I LOVE MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS? Gerard I might never see you again! I’ll be in college by the time you get back!” I said. I fell back and bounced against the mattress. He sat down next to me.
”I’m sorry.” he said. He grabbed one of my hands and stroked it with his thumb, whispering something i could barely understand in the softest of voices that I couldn't stay mad at. I didn't know how.

“You’re doing it again.” I said..

“Doing what?” he asked.

“That thing with your voice and your face that makes it impossible to be mad at you, no matter how bad you fuck things up.” I said, smiling.

“Well I’m just loveable like that I guess.” he said, ticking me. I giggled and squirmed like a four-year-old, and that only encouraged him, tickling my stomach, pinching my hips, and kissing the most sensitive spots on my neck. I let out a playful shriek.
”Gee stop it!” I squealed. He stopped and just looked into my eyes. “I don’t want you to go.” I said sadly, tears filling my eyes again. His gaze turned sad as well, and he spoke softly.

“Well...I’m not leaving until tomorrow.” he said.

“That’s still not enough time.” I whispered.

“It’ll never be enough time.” he said, kissing me softly. “But I’ll be back before you know it.”

“It’s not before I know it.” I whined. “It’s four years. I’ll be in college. What if I never see you again?” I asked. He looked down, thinking.

“Let’s just...not talk about it. You’re the only one who is even going to speak to me before I leave. Never seeing you again is the last thing I want to talk about.” he said. I nodded and he kissed me again. This time, his hand wandered down the curves of my chest and to my hips.

“Gerard.” I whispered.

“Lucy.” he responded. I swallowed hard. More than anything I wanted him one last time before he left.

“This is the last time we’re gonna see each other.” I whispered. “And...why waste the time? Why-“
”I agree.” he said, cutting me off with a hard kiss. He pulled off my shirt and I started working at his belt buckle. I was probably crazy to do this condom-less AGAIN, but I didn’t fucking care anymore. I just wanted all of him I could have, for this one last time. He was somehow able to unhook my bra one-handed, and my eyes shot open.

“Where’d you learn to do that?” I asked in a whisper, smiling a curios half-smile.

“I guess you just make me able to do things I’d never done before Luc.” he said. Wow. We paused for a second, down to underwear and just looked at each other. “Wanna do this?” he asked, raising one eyebrow.

“I let you go this far, and you think there’s the possibility that I’d say ‘no get the hell off’?” I asked, eyebrow raised.

“Guess not.” he said, smiling a crooked half-smile as I removed my own underwear. I don’t know how long we were there for. An hour? Two? Three? Hell, for all we could have known, days could have passed and Gerard’s plane could have been gone. Wouldn’t that just be great? Never having him have to leave...I found myself glancing over Gerard’s chest at my clock and seeing four PM. I plopped my head down on his sweaty chest that was still rising fast from his heavy breathing. I shut my eyes and listened as his heartbeat slowed back to normal. He ran his fingers through my hair and I slid my head up to rest instead in the crook of his neck. He lay his head over mine and I could feel the air from his nose going over my ear.

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” I said. His muscles went limp as the memory that he’s leaving in two days set back in.

“You’re amazing you know that?” he said. I laughed.

“Is that because you love me or because I just let you fuck me?” I asked.

“Hmmm.” he said, pretending to think. “Well come to think of it...it might be the sex!” he said sarcastically. I pretended to be insulted, and gave him a light punch to the stomach. “OUCH!” he said, trying to pout and smile at the same time. He wasn’t very convincing. “That hurt Lucy.” he said, giving me pathetic puppy dog eyes. I kissed him as an apology and he started working his way down my neck again. I let him go and looked at the clock again.

“Wow. You’ve been here like...all day.” I said. He sat bolt upright.

“I have?” he asked. “What time is it?”

“Like five ten.” I said. “Why?” I asked. He started getting up and getting dressed. He’d just pulled on his pants, searching out his t-shirt.
”I have to go home and...I need to...p...I need to pa...I have to pack.” he said finally. I looked down at my hands, crossed in my lap.

“Oh.” I said. “When do you leave again?”

“Tomorrow morning. Ten AM.” he said.

“Oh.” I repeated. “Is everyone coming to see you off?” I asked.
”So far, no one. Will you?” he asked, looking imploringly at me.

“Of course...” I said. He smiled as he pulled on his jacket. He leaned over the bed, on which I still sat and kissed me on the cheek. I grabbed his face and pulled it over my lips. I just wanted one last kiss. I’m sure he didn’t understand, but it was my last. I wasn’t going to the airport tomorrow. When Gerard left I pulled out my cell phone and called Ray.

“Hello?”
”Ray it’s Lucy.” I said.

“Oh hey Luc...how are you?” he asked.

“I’m fine. In fact Gerard just left.” I said.

“Oh.” he said, voice more impatient. “And?”

“I want you guys to see him off at the airport tomorrow.” I said.

“Lucy...” started Ray.

“Ray...” I mimicked.

“Why aren’t you?” he asked.

“Because I can’t handle that. I can’t do it. I just can’t be there when he goes. He thinks I’m the only one who will show up. He thinks you all hate him.” I said.

“Nobody hates him, we’re just pissed as hell at him.” said Ray.

“Please just see him off Ray. Please.” I said.

“Alright.” he sighed. “But you owe us all big time.” he added.

“Yes I do.” I said. “Now will you call the others or should I?” I asked.

“I’ll do it. Want us to call you when he leaves?” he asked.

“Yeah please.” I said.

“Okay. Talk to you tomorrow Luc.” he said.

“Bye.” I hung up, and plopped my head down on my pillow, crying my eyes out. The next day I just lay in bed and watched the clock. Nine thirty, ten o clock, ten thirty, eleven, my cell phone rang. I answered it.
”Hello?”

“Lucy?” came Mikey’s voice.

“Hey. Did you guys go to the airport?” I asked.
”Yeah.” he said. “Everyone ended up coming out. He was happy we were all there, but he kept asking about you. We told him that your parents came home.” he said.

“Okay thanks. So...is he...” I started.

“He’s gone Lucy.” said Mikey quietly. I broke down again, said a quick good bye, and hung up. Gerard was gone, and I might never see him again.