Infinite

They had told me that it would be hard to lose someone that you love; that ending it is sometimes for the best, but is also the worst kind of pain. I'd known this all before but the women in my life reiterated it, trying to let me know that everything was going to be all right.

"Guys, I'm fine," I said, looking pointedly at the three women on my couch, "I know that it was the right thing to do. That's why I did it," I vowed, peering up at the second-floor balcony as something crashed around in Arch's room.

Jadeen, Heather, and Jenn looked at me suspiciously, and then at each other, and then back to me. Heather, who I'd known the longest, frowned. "Alright, Atticus, what is wrong with you?" she questioned, "I know you and I know Ronnie and you're not okay with this."

"I'm the one that ended it," I rebuffed, stepping off the couch to grab something from the kitchen, "And plus, he stopped calling, so obviously he already gave up."

Jenn snorted loudly and I looked back at her. "Stopped calling you maybe," she allowed, "But he definitely started calling the rest of us."

Before stepping into the kitchen I turned and narrowed my eyes at her. "Then how do I know you're not a spy, Jennifer?"

"You love him," Heather said, stopping my attempt at making light of the situation, "I know you can make it work, Att, you always have."

I shook my head and kept going towards the food on the counter. Before it had been thoroughly picked over and half-eaten by the kids, it had been a matching set of three condolence platters brought over by the women who thought I needed them.

I rearranged some of the snacks and sandwiches so that they looked fresher and new and covered them with plastic wrap to save for Abigail Drewry's arrival later. As I stashed them in the fridge, Heather slowly crept in. She leaned forward on the counter and watched me. I knew she was there but I didn't speak.

"Atticus, you can stick by your decision and still be upset," she said as though I were fragile, "We all know you're strong but you were engaged to this man and you planned on spending the rest of your life with him. It's okay to show that you care that it's over."

"No." I turned and busied myself with the platters. "I have to stay strong for Arch," I said, "He's having a hard time with accepting his mother back and I couldn't drop this on him right now, he's finally starting to gain courage."

The other two women entered and Jadeen, the incredible mother of three, answered, "You'll find that children are resilient," she countered, "When my sister got a divorce, their kids were devastated, but it only brought them closer to their mother."

"Arch isn't like that," I refuted, "He kisses the ground that Ronnie walks on. He loves him. If I take that from him he'll hate me."

"He'll learn to get over it," Jadeen promised, brazenly meeting my eyes, "He's your family and he'll be in a state of wonder and relief when you explain that you want to adopt him."

"He'll ask why Ronnie doesn't," I said, looking at them boldly, daringly, "How do I explain that to him? That the only man he trusts doesn't want to be his father?"

"Tell him the truth," Jenn offered, "Just explain to him what is happening and that Ronnie's life is heading in another direction."

"Ronnie will always love him," Heather added, "I've seen them together and that's the absolute truth. I've never seen Ronnie connect with someone so much."

"I'm the one keeping him away," I said, "How do I tell Arch that? We could go on existing the way we are forever and it would never be enough, but Arch would have Ronnie, he would be happy with just that."

"It can't last," Jadeen replied, "Everything is changing and you can't stop it, no matter how much you want it to. Arch's birth mother will still show up at your door later and Ronnie will always have another reason to leave home; another show to play. You can't hold onto everything you want, eventually you'll lose it all."

Jadeen sounded just like I had and the words still made me doubt myself. It wasn't my decision that I doubted, but just my confidence in how I was going to hold it all together.

The ladies crowded around the counter and spoke to me as if they could see right through me. I tried to keep up my brave front, but it was obvious to them that the last four days had been torturous on me and my resolve was faltering - especially when it came to keeping myself right around Arch.

Heather turned to go check on Kyat when Jenn's phone rang, flashing Ryan's name and photo across the chipped screen. She glanced at me and then answered. "Hey, Ry, what's up?"

Her eyes darted to me and I froze, trying to hear the voice coming from the other end. "Atticus doesn't want to talk to him," she said, letting me in on what was going on.

Heather turned back around and joined us again, putting on a brave face as to symbolize that I should too. I leaned down closer and tried to listen as Ryan argued, sounding frustrated and annoyed.

"Did she really have to do this to him right now? Being on this bus with him is hell. He's making all our lives miserable because he is."

Jenn frowned. "This isn't about you, Ryan Eric," she barked, "So you guys need to suck it up. He's hurting but he'll get past it; learn to dull it and live with it."

The drummer scoffed sarcastically. "If you or Atticus really believe that then you're blind. He loves her so much that he's considering canceling the entire tour and going home. We can't do that to our fans, Jenn."

"That's exactly what she doesn't want him to do," Jenn argued at the appalled look on my face, "Tell him he needs to stay there."

"We have, at least a hundred times. Either he's not listening or he can't hear us. I won't be surprised if he just runs off soon. I just don't understand this. Atti loves him."

"Ryan, sometimes things just don't work out," Jenn replied in a more soothing tone, "Life gets in the way and people have to go their own directions."

"Not Atti and Ronnie," he breathed "If they don't last, than how do the rest of us expect to?", and I stepped back, not wanting to hear anymore of it. I turned my back to the conversation and sucked in a broken breath, blinking my eyes at the ceiling like gravity could push my tears back down where they belonged.

Heather rounded the island and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me into her chest as I tried to suck it up and forget the words I'd heard, the faith and hope that I crushed.

"It's okay, sweetheart," Heather murmured repeatedly, "It's okay. Play strong. I promise you that strength will come in time."

I jumped back from her at the sound of my boy in the doorway. He cried out my name as though he could feel my pain and darted across the kitchen, his arms latching tightly around my waist. "Atti, what's wrong?" he asked, tears already in his eyes at the sight of mine, "Is it my mom? Was she mean to you?" The anger on his face was evident and it fixed me up inside just the slightest bit. He was my little warrior.

I smiled weakly, attempting to be strong, and lifted him up into my arms. He wrapped his arms around my neck and his legs around my torso, whispering that he was sorry for whatever had happened.

"It's not you, baby," I replied, rocking him, "It's never you. You're my little soldier. I love you so much."

Jenn, still on the phone, snapped quickly at her boyfriend, "Ryan, I have to go. Don't let him call here."

There was a rushed, "I'm not his-", and Jenn ended the call, dropping the phone carelessly on the counter with a sigh.

Arch still had his head buried in my shoulder when I looked up at the women in my kitchen. Iker and Kyat were asleep in my room, but Silvi and Camilo had managed to wander to the child-proof gate at the top of the stairs and were calling for their mom.

Jadeen smiled softly and then left to get them. The rest of us followed since we had no other reason to be in the kitchen, and peered up at the siblings as they waited for their mom to open the gate she'd set up there.

I frowned at Arch and leaned back so that he did too, his face visible. "How did you get down here?" I asked suspiciously.

"I climbed," he answered, not the least bit ashamed.

"Arch," I growled, sighing loudly as I simply dropped him to the couch, scaring the lights out of him for a split second as he considered the blind landing.

He laughed but didn't apologize. Silvi met him on the couch and Camilo stomped over, the only way he knew how. I plucked him from the floor, reveling in the smell of baby and carefree innocence.

"I'll check on the boys," Heather offered, and stepped up the stairs to my bedroom.

Jenn, who sat on the end of the couch, practically next to Silvi and Arch, frowned. "I feel slightly left out of the mom club," she muttered.

Jadeen snorted in laughter. "You're twenty-one years old, you have plenty of time to catch up."

Jenn shrugged and peered at the kids on the end of the couch as they talked amongst themselves, completely immune to our conversation. "I don't know if I want kids," she replied, "But having them around, I can feel myself wavering."

"It's the mom gene," I said as if I actually knew, "All women have it - albeit some stronger than others - but it's under there somewhere."

Jadeen nodded along and dropped down into the little space between the kids and Jenn. "It's there for guys too, I think," she added, "I mean, probably for different reasons, but Anderson never wanted kids. He's always liked them, but said they weren't for him."

I booed loudly and the five year olds giggled before returning to their own place.

Jadeen nodded. "It's true. I always figured we'd have them anyways, but he just didn't think about it. Then we started spending time with one of his buddies who had twins not long before and one day, in casual conversation, mentioned that he wanted a couple of his own running around eventually. Stunned the crap out of me."

Jenn and I chuckled. "He probably didn't even realize that something had changed in him," I said, shaking my head, "Anderson's a good father. I couldn't imagine him living his whole life without someone to follow him around."

"I know, it would be so much quieter," Jae agreed playfully.

Heather came carefully down the stairs with two subdued and sleepy little boys in her arms. They were similar due to their round cheeks and little round bodies, but Iker's hair was dark and wispy, his eyes the color of the sky as the sun fades, black chasing brown through the stars. Kyat's hair was curly like his father's, light too, and his eyes were Baltic blue with light behind them, dark but almost translucent.

Heather passed Iker to Jadeen and then pivoted to look at me with an unwavering gaze. "Is everything going to be alright if I take off?" she questioned, shifting Kyat in her arms as he leaned.

"Of course," I replied, stepping from my chair with Camilo balanced easily in my arms, "Arch and I can handle anything. But actually, it's probably better if you do head out. We've got to get cleaned up."

Arch seemed to remember the impending date that was set for him and his mother in just over an hour. He crossed his arms and turned to Silvi to roll his eyes.

Heather frowned again, something she was doing more than she had too. Jadeen scooped her daughter up before the little girl could ask why Arch was upset, and then attempted to reach for Camilo, who was content right where he was.

I chuckled. "Why don't we locate some shoes first," I said to Jadeen, turning my smile to Heather so that she could see it, "Then I'll walk you guys out."

Jenn stayed seated on the couch and patted the spot beside her. Arch launched himself over and leaned into her side - a united front against a cruel court's decision.

I stuffed Camilo's feet into an expensive pair of baby tennis shoes and took Iker too as Silvi sat like a noodle, not helping her mother fit her toes inside her sandals. Heather talked easily with Jenn and waited patiently, hold a huge bag of Ky's things.

"I'll get the baby gate," I said to Jadeen, setting the three year old on his feet so I could climb the stairs, grab the gate, and hold Iker, "Obviously it's no use around here."

Arch ignored me, stubborn, unhappy. "Atticus, do they have to leave?" he asked a minute later, leaning against the back of the couch, "Just cancel the other thing and we can play longer."

I answered him as I took down the gate. "No, Arch, we can't do that," I rebuffed, "They've been here all day. It's time for everyone to go home."

"They don't want to," he argued, "Silvi wants to stay and so does Jenn."

I gave him a look from across the living room. Jenn got up and searched for her shoes. Arch huffed loudly and threw himself back down onto the couch.

I ignored him and followed the women and kids to the driveway. "Thank you guys so much for coming over," I called as they moved to their own cars to strap in their kids, "Having everyone over was good for Arch, even if he doesn't appreciate it right now."

The front door opened and slammed again and I felt the five year old by my side. He stood barefoot and watched everyone pack up, silently blaming his biological mom for it.

Both the ladies nodded, knowing that it was a good distraction for him, and closed the backdoors of their cars, their kids on the inside.

"We need to do it again," Heather said, stepping away from her car.

"Yeah, it's not too often that I meet women at Nicolas who are laid back and have time to do things like this," the mom of three added, "I would love to do it again." She struggled for her keys and opened the driver's door. She called her goodbyes.

Heather traipsed across the grass as Jadeen pulled out from the bottom of the narrow drive. She leaned down and hugged Arch tightly. "Good luck, Sweetheart," she said despite his prickly attitude,"Just keep being tough and everything will be alright."

Arch nodded grimly and then turned to go in the house. The door slammed a little harshly, but I gave him a free pass. Jenn stepped out and closed the door again gently, jerking a thumb towards it.

"I think he's barricading himself in his room," she said, coming down the couple of steps, "At least he ran right up there."

I sighed and pushed my fingers through my hair. "I don't know what I'm even supposed to say to her. 'Welcome to my house, please stay away from my son'?"

Heather shook her head. "I don't know, Atticus, but I know you'll make it work. Just play nice until you can make Arch legally yours. Then she'll have no claim to him and you can rip her a new one if she ever shows her face around here again."

Jenn nodded eagerly. "That sounds like an amazing plan, Atticus. I say you stick to the tactics of secret warfare. Hit her where it hurts."

"I don't want to hurt her," I refuted somewhat unconvincingly, and then added, "Well, I just don't want her here," when I saw the skeptical and knowing looks of the other two.

"Just make it work today and when he's yours you'll never have to see her again," Heather repeated.

"I doubt it's that easy," I muttered, "but thank you. I'll let you know how it goes."

Jenn rubbed my arm. "Just get a picture and send it to me so that I know whose ass to kick if this goes poorly."

"It won't, she doesn't want to ruin her chances to get Arch back."

The ladies agreed and promised to check in later. They hugged me tightly, for more than just the drama with Abigail, and said their goodbyes. I stood there until they were both out of the driveway and gone before I turned and headed inside to face a diabolical, five year old tyrant in pain.

I padded up the stairs and stopped at Arch's door. He was quiet on the other side, not even the sound of his beloved TV was coming through. Gently, I knocked on the door, and then reached to open it when he didn't answer. Ronnie had changed the door knob months ago, taking away the lock when we realized that Arch loved to use it.

"Baby?" I called as I gently stepped into the darkened room. The shades were still closed from the night before and he'd shut off all the lights. Toys were scattered everywhere from all five kids being in here for awhile and there was a suspicious lump under the covers that was coincidently shaped by the five year old who ruled my life.

I crossed the mess, stepping carefully around a minefield of blocks, metal cars, and legos, and dropped down into bed next to him, pulling the covers back just enough to slip inside. We were hardly small enough to fit comfortably in the twin sized bed, but I squeezed in and wrapped my arms around his unwilling frame.

"I love you," I whispered into his hair, "Arch, I love you." I waited for any sign of a positive reply but he simply turned even farther from me. I smoothed down his hair and rested my head on his, pulling him back into me. "I'm sorry that she has to come here today," I said honestly, "If it were up to me she wouldn't be."

"I hate them," he said viciously, surprising me with just how much he meant his words, "I hate them for letting her come here and I hate her for wanting to."

"She loves you," I replied, biting back my own distaste, "Or at least she thinks she does and she just wants another chance to prove it to you."

"I don't love her anymore," he spat, rolling over quickly to face me, his hair a mess against the cotton pillow, "I love you and I love Ronnie and I want you to be my parents, not her. I hate her."

I wrapped my arms around him tighter, my hands resting on his spine. "I know," I answered, "And I want to talk to you about that, Arch, but we just have to get through this tonight. I know you can put on a brave face."

"I just don't want her to take me away," he whispered his fears, sounding more vulnerable than I'd heard him be in a long time.

His eyes were dark with thought and trusting. He looked at me like he knew I would always protect him, but was just a little scared to test it out. I hugged him and I kissed his head and I promised him that I would never let him go. And even when he couldn't see me next to him or feel my arms around him, I was still there and still holding on.

He nodded and hugged me and then we climbed out of his little bed and looked for something decent for him to wear to see his mom again. We didn't speak it, but we both knew that we were eager to show off his life and how good it had become since she abandoned him. He was brilliant and taken care of and I could give him everything he needed and even most of the things he wanted. He picked out his own clothes, a pair of skinny, dark jeans, his favorite non-school blazer and a striped, faded tee underneath. He brushed his hair and teeth just for the sake of it and then moved to my room to help me pick out my outfit before we went to pick up our living room.

In black jeans with an intentional shredded style and an ombre tank that went from white to light pink at the bottom, I folded up a couple blankets and handed them to Arch, who marched them over to the closet and stuffed them in with purpose. We fixed up the couch and uncluttered the coffee table and turned on the TV. Arch sat down, already distracted by it, and I headed into the kitchen to fiddle with whatever I could find in an attempt to calm my nerves.

The TV muted when the doorbell rang as though he was checking if it were real and I stopped moving and listened for Arch's reaction. He was quiet and then the TV started up again and I headed out to meet him. He stood between the couch and the table and was looking expectantly at me. In his eyes I could see his same question repeated, 'ignore it. she'll go away. please. please. please.

With a deep breath and a brave smile that he didn't even try to match, I headed towards the door to let his mother back into his life.