‹ Prequel: Trouble-Maker
Sequel: Summer Boy

Infinite

The Worst Of Both Worlds

It was around seven when the party was winding down. A couple of toddlers had passed out on lawn chairs and been covered with blankets that I wrangled from the upstairs closet. Nico was still wide awake, enthralled by the commotion and the excitement and Arch lounged in one of the chairs along the side of the long table in the yard.

Gina spoke up, "Alright! Before everyone leaves, we'd like to announce one more thing," she said, nodding to Frida, Max, and I, who took to handing out artificially pink fortune cookies, "Don't break them open yet, what's inside is a surprise that even our family doesn't know yet."

My dad continued on with the explanation, "I've always picked out the names for my children. Starting with Atticus Geneva and somehow ending up at Nico Moon, I always picked a name that we both fell in love with. This time, however, it was something that my wife said to me that brought me inspiration that ultimately helped me come up with our daughter's name."

Frida, Max, Nico, Arch and I lined up with fortune cookies in hand. Inside was a little piece of paper that held the name of our new sister and we were eager to crack them open. "Get on with it, Dad!" Max called as he fiddled with the little cookie.

My father grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "All right, go a head and break open your cookies."

The large group of men and women crunched open their cookies in synchronicity and us Gurewitz's quickly followed suit, reaching for the rectangular paper on the inside. I grabbed mine, dropping the cookie to the deck, and flipped it open as Frida let out an excited yelp beside me.

Holland Cree Gurewitz, The paper read, and I was stunned by the name, having expected something entirely different from my father. The name was beautiful, entirely breath-taking and I loved it automatically. Even though it was different from the previous Gurewitz name, somehow it fit well with the rest of ours.

We were five in numbers now, ranging in age from twenty-five to unborn. We were the Gurewitz children, Atticus, Maximilian, Frida, Nico Moon, and Holland. The name made her seen real, like there really would be a tiny human with us someday soon.

As the guests began to gather their things and children, they congratulated my parents again as they left and complimented the name that they had chosen. Cemi, as she rounded up her adorable husband, met up with my dad and Gina in the backyard and congratulated them with hugs.

"I thought maybe you two had run out of interesting names and decided to call her number five instead," she joked, pressing her fingers to Gina's swollen belly, "It would certainly be easier to remember. And you could just number the other four and call it a day."

Gina laughed and shook her head, her eyes darting over to us where we sat together just feet away. "I don't think that would work very well," she rebutted, "The kids definitely wouldn't appreciate it."

Cemi chuckled. "And it's not nearly as beautiful. Holland Cree, where in the world did you come up with that one? I thought I'd already heard the best of it with you two, but you've simply out named your other children." She smirked in our direction, knowing that we were all mostly listening to her conversation.

"Thanks, Cem," I called out, earning a cheeky smile in response.

"I don't know what it is with this family and naming," she addressed all of us, "But if you kids end up calling your future children Rainbow and Mexico, I won't be surprised."

"Oh, they're not that bad," my dad argued, albeit smiling, "They're all good names." He leaned back against the glass door and took a look at his family. We were a strange mix and I could only imagine how he saw us. When I looked back to him, however; I saw pride and affection as he wrapped his arms around his wife's large waist and pressed his palms against her stomach as he felt their child.

Even though we weren't perfect, this was the kind of family I wanted to have my own version of someday. I could imagine myself in my mother's position, so in love with the man I married that I couldn't possibly adore my family any more than I already did.

The very of it hurt so terribly that I turned my eyes away from the image of my parents and sucked in a silent breath as I tried to push thoughts of Ronnie out of my head and stay in the moment in which I was living. It was hard not to think about him at a time like this. When things were great I thought about him and when they weren't, I thought about him too. It was as though I couldn't actually get away from the thought of him in my life. I had spent so much time sharing every emotion with him that I didn't know how to turn off the need to continue that. He was the first and last thing that popped into my mind every morning and every night. The reflex to talk to him about everything hadn't left me yet, and the idea of not sharing my life with him was impossible to think about, even though I was the one who brought it on myself.

Sitting on my parents' porch, watching them live a life they loved both made me happy and made me think about everything that I'd given up. I had given it up because we couldn't keep pulling ourselves in so many directions. I knew that if we continued living that way that we would fall apart, and I couldn't handle that kind of disaster.

I wanted a lifestyle that wasn't possible. We were living in two worlds and I was terrified that it would all fall apart and I would lose both of them, so I ended one to keep the other, even if it killed me to do so.

"Gina, Dad, Arch and I are going to head home," I said when they returned from walking Cemi out, "I'm really tired. I'll come back tomorrow and help clean up if you want me to."

Dad walked over and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Don't worry about it, we already hired someone to come out tomorrow and pick up after us."

"Alright," I answered, "I'll see you soon then. Keep me up to date on Holland." I hugged my father back and then gently hugged Gina before turning back just as my dad kneeled down in front of Arch. I paused and watched.

"Welcome to the family," Dad said softly, smiling at the five year old, "I didn't know that I would be getting a grandson so soon, but I'm excited for you to be a Gurewitz, Arch."

The blonde boy smiled and hugged my father. "I'm excited too," he said, "I hoped that I would get a new family. This is even the one I wanted."

"He's a good kid, Atticus," Dad spoke as he lifted up the small boy and passed him over to me, "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, Dad," I replied, holding Arch up with both arms as he wrapped his around my neck and his legs around my waist, "I'll see you soon. Love you guys."

The brother and sisters called their goodbyes and my parents walked us in and followed us across the entryway to the front door where we exited, heading out to the Escalade that sat alone on the left side of the drive. In the morning, I would make the trip out to Vegas with Chance to drop the car at Russell's house.

"Are you tired?" I asked Arch as I loaded him back into the car.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."

"Well, did you have fun?"

He nodded eagerly. "Gina told everyone that I'm going to be in your family and they all really liked me," he told me, unable to hide his grin as he recalled how it felt to be accepted, "And your dad said he's gonna be my grandpa."

"I guess he is," I answered before I pulled the door shut. "Did you know your parents' parents before all of this happened?" I hated to bring it up, but I knew that he would eventually have to work through it. I just hoped it would be easier now that he knew that he was always going to be with me.

"My mom had a mom," he said, thinking hard to remember exactly, "but we never saw her." He peered at me through the rearview with his round, blue eyes and waited for me to say something since he had nothing else to add.

"You have a whole family behind you, Arch," I said, "I want you to know that. You can move on from everything else and just know that we'll always be here to support you. I want you to know that things won't always be easy if you stay with me, but I'll try my best to give you a good life."

"I love you, Atti," he said as though it would erase all doubts from my mind, "I want to keep you as my mom."

"I'll try my best to make that happen, sweetheart," I said, knowing that it wouldn't be an easy battle, "There will be a lot of fighting to do for me to keep you and it might take a really long time before the state actually considers you my son, but just know that no matter what happens, I love you too."

"It'll be okay," he answered with the simplicity of a five year old, believing in what was right so wholeheartedly like only a child could. While he seemed much older than his age much of the time, it was his belief the the world that reminded me that he was still a baby, despite everything he'd seen.

We headed home through the darkening Pasadena streets with so much on our minds. I couldn't figure out how life had gotten so complicated and when I had become immune to how abnormal it really was. Compared to just a year ago my life had done a complete 180 and I missed the old version so entirely that it killed me to think about just how drastic of a change had taken place.

All I wanted to do was call Ronnie and disappear back into my old life, where it was the two of us trying to figure out how to show the world, show my father, that we would last. We were so in love that the rest of the world didn't matter and we couldn't even fathom spending an entire summer apart.

The idea of not having that any longer brought me to tears and I sucked in a deep, shaky breath as I tried to keep my vision straight and on the road. We had gotten too comfortable with each other in the last year that we hadn't been able to see that it wouldn't last. We couldn't live in two different worlds and have everything we wanted. We wouldn't be able to have a family and live on the road, we wouldn't be able to take care of Arch and travel the world on a bus, we weren't able to be apart and be happy without each other.

And when we were together we were facing separation again. My job wouldn't allow me to leave sporadically with the band and my love of Arch wouldn't allow me to move on and pretend that I never wanted to keep him. I couldn't sacrifice him for the life I wanted because I loved him too much to say goodbye.

And I couldn't have Ronnie and hold him back knowing that it would make us both unhappy. We wanted to be on the road together, but I wanted to raise Arch and raise Ronnie's family. I wanted both versions of one life and it wasn't applicable, but I couldn't give up on Arch, because he needed me more. Ronnie and I would have to give up on each other so we could both hold onto the things that needed us most.

Arch and Falling in Reverse.

We couldn't let down the people we cared about, but we couldn't make it work being together. Ronnie would have to chose his band even if he didn't want to, and I would never turn my back on the little boy who had stolen my heart. Ronnie couldn't give me the things I wanted without letting down his best friends and giving up his dreams and I couldn't keep Arch and watch Ronnie travel the world without me and play house on his days off. And I sure as hell wouldn't let him give it all up to make me happy.
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Ugh god. I don't know what I'm doing to this story. I'm sorry that I'm screwing things up. I might've done things differently and made the reason for separating less complex. I'm sorry if you think it's a stupid reason, but she can't have all of everything she longs for, so she chose the version that needs her more.

Comment please. I'm kind of feeling terrible about this story right now and would really like to hear what you think about it.