Infinite

When I asked Chance for a favor, I hadn't thought it through completely. But seeing as he was my last resort, I hadn't had another option. My problem was that I needed to return Ronnie's prized Cadillac Escalade to his father's house out in Vegas, but wouldn't have a way of getting back home once I got there. And seeing as Heather was busy taking care of her son and her brother's daughter, she didn't have the means to get two toddlers to sit through a three and a half hour car ride.

So, having received a call from Chance earlier in the day, I called him back with a proposition, promising him at least three hours of uninterrupted time spent together if he would do me a favor and follow me out to Las Vegas. He easily agreed, claiming that he didn't have much else to do and that if I was really willing to bribe him with the 'pleasure' of my company than he should just give in because I was obviously desperate.

He met me at my apartment around eleven am the day after Gina's baby shower. Arch had already been taken to daycare earlier and I was cleaning out the Escalade when Chance pulled into the drive behind me, beeping his horn to get my attention.

"So this is your place," he said as he climbed out of the vehicle, "I can't believe you live in Pasadena too." He walked up the angled drive to me as I climbed out of the oversized SUV.

"This is it," I answered, taking a look at the two story house, "Thanks for meeting me here. There's so much shit for me to take out of this car."

The twenty year old shrugged and then pointed at the crap that littered the edge of the yard and the couple of boxes that sat neatly in comparison. "I can see that. Is that Ronnie's stuff?"

"Yeah," I replied, "Just figured it would be best to give it all back now."

"And easier since he's not actually in town," the smart-aleck stated, folding his arms over his chest as he peered at the junk and leaned back against the car, "Dumping everything at his parents' house has got to make things easier."

I shrugged and turned back to climb through the open backdoor. "I'm almost done, I just want to vacuum the carpet a little bit. Arch eats in here too much for me to give it back like this. Ronnie would flip if he found it riddled with crumbs."

He nodded as though he didn't care much about the wait.

"You can wait inside if you want," I called back to him, "I think Arch hid the remote, but if you can find it you can watch TV. Just don't let the dog out."

"I'm alright," he answered, "I can help you if you want."

I answered without stopping what I was doing, "No, don't worry about it. I'm almost finished. I've just got to get Arch's car-seat and Charlie's seat cover out."

"Charlie?" he repeated.

"Ronnie's dog," I answered without considering whose dog he really was now.

"Aren't you dropping him off too then?" he questioned, turning towards me so that he was facing the front of the vehicle while I crouched inside and began unhooking the seat-cover from the back.

"No. I'm going to look after him until Ronnie gets back, then I guess he can take him back to the apartment with him. I couldn't drop a dog on Russell like that. He's got too much else going on." I bundled up the black, fur-coated cover and tossed it out into the grass with the rest of the junk before I sat down and began unlatching the car-seat. "Plus, Arch would worry about him."

He didn't respond as I fiddled with the straps and untangled the little boy's seat from the car. Instead, he reached for it when I finally freed it and set it down in the yard carefully. "Arch isn't coming?" he asked to clarify.

"He's at daycare," I answered, "I'm going to pick him up after you drop me off back here later." I climbed out clumsily and caught myself on the door handle. I stood up straight and looked at Chance as he answered.

"You don't have to make another trip, we can grab him on the way back," he offered, "It's on the way right? Why should you have to go back out again."

"Yeah, that's fine," I agreed, "I can just run in and grab him." I lugged up one of the boxes full of miscellaneous items Ronnie had left here over the last couple of years and shoved it into the car, leaving it sitting in the spot where Arch's car-seat left indentations on the leather seat.

It took me about fifteen minutes to pick up the random stuff from the yard and toss it in the house. It was just toys that Arch had lost under the seats, CDs that had been shoved into the glove compartment, and wrappers and other garbage that we'd forgotten about since Ronnie hadn't been home to nag us about it.

When we were done with that I showed Chance around the small sized house and he seemed pretty amazed at the fact that it was all in my name.

"You're only twenty-five," he said as he followed me out of the house to the cars, "I can't see myself owning property in five years, let alone something this nice."

"It's just a house," I answered, stopping in the drive to talk to him seeing as we'd be getting in separate vehicles, "I guess I'm used to people my age being at the point where they can own nice things."

"Yeah, your boyfriend was crazy rich so I guess that's not surprising," he replied with in a snarky tone.

"Self-made," I answered, unable to stifle the respect that I had for Ronnie. Unlike myself, all of his money came from his own adventures and risks. He didn't ever have any financially backing him when he first began and he climbed to the top all on his own, earning every penny due to talent and perseverance.

"I feel so bad that he had to work for what he made," he said with a hint of sarcasm before sounding more serious, "But at least he made it out."

"Yeah, he's one of the lucky ones," I said solemnly, disliking that the conversation seemed to turn to him so seamlessly, "But we should get going. We've got a long ride there."

"His dad is right down town Vegas?" Chance asked as he stepped back towards his car.

"Yeah, just a couple neighborhoods from the strip. Just follow me."

He nodded and we climbed into our vehicles. He backed out first and then I followed, pulling out in front of him so that I could lead the way to Russell's house. During the long drive I hoped that none of the kids would be there. It would be too hard to explain to them that this trip was due to our breakup.

I had fallen in love with Ronnie's family and although I knew that they all struggled for a long time with their own issues, I completely adored the people they had become and the family that they turned out to be.

It was hard not to picture how my life would've turned out if I became one of them. The car ride out to Vegas did me no favors seeing as it was simply me alone in a car for three and a half hours. I blasted music to distract myself and tried to keep an eye on Chance's car as he followed me down Highway Fifteen into the city.

Bringing Chance to Russell's house felt like showing him Ronnie's childhood and somehow that felt indecent, as though bringing someone here meant more than just dropping Ronnie's car in the driveway. As I pulled into the drive along side Russell's familiar car, Chance pulled parallel to the curb and stopped the engine. He started getting out while I gathered my thoughts and then followed suit.

"This is where Ronnie grew up?" he asked as he crossed the corner of the lawn, "I can sort of see why the man wanted to get out so desperately."

"Shut up," I answered instantly, "This is someone's house. You don't have to be so rude, Chance."

"Oh come on, Jett and the boys would kill me if he knew I came here without him. He idolizes Ronnie. Their belief that this place is iconic surely makes up for how I feel about it."

"Just stop talking," I said as we got close to the front door. Russell had heard the beep of the Escalade when I locked it and the front door was already opening as we stepped up to it. I was nervous to see him at all and having another man at my side made it even more nerve-wracking, even though the twenty year old was simply driving me back home.

He wasn't surprised to see me. I had called ahead and told him that I would be coming today to bring Ronnie's car back to him. He greeted me with a contained smile. "Atticus, it's good to see you," he said as he pushed the screen door open.

I grabbed it and stepped through just slightly so that I could hug the man. "You too, Russ. You look great."

He shrugged modestly. "Having a few days away from the boys will do that to me," he answered playfully, "They've been staying with their father so I've had time to relax after work and catch up on some sleep. Who's your friend?"

"Chance," I answered, "He offered to give me a ride back home," I said, "Anyway, here's the keys. I kept the spare set to the apartment so that I can get my things out when I have time. Just tell Ronnie that he can get them when he comes to pick up Charlie."

He stepped back and motioned for us to come inside, so I did, having been in this familiar house plenty of times. It was on the smaller side of two bedrooms, but it mostly seemed that way because of the blocky and one-story layer, rather than the open feel of my house.

When you entered from the front door you where in the living room with the garage door to the left and the kitchen just beyond the north wall. The bedrooms were just off the room as well, separated by the bathroom.

"We really can't stay long," I said as I moved to sit down on the couch out of politeness, "I've got to pick Arch up and get dinner started and everything."

"I won't keep you long," Russell promised, sitting in his chair, "I just wanted to make sure that you're alright. It kills me to see you and Ronnie like this. I just can't believe that this is really happening with you two."

"It happened," I said quickly, "And I'm fine, I promise. Ronnie and I are adults, we can move on from something like this without having to drag it out forever."

"You can maybe," he answered, "But I know my son and I know how much he loves you. If he lets you go that easily it'll probably kill him. Either that or I will."

"Russell, please don't encour-"

"I love the way you are with my son," he said, "I love how happy he is when he's with you and the way you two are together. I know how you feel about each other and it's obvious that's not gone yet. Don't expect Ronnie to move on, Atticus, because you and I both know that isn't possible."

"It's not easy for me either," I rebutted, flustered, "I can't just pretend that I don't love him, but I'm an adult and I'm moving on and he needs to do the same because I asked him too. Don't encourage him to hold on because it'll only hurt him more. And neither of us really want that."

"Atticus, he loves you-"

"That doesn't matter anymore," I exclaimed, "The way he feels about me will only make it harder on each of us. It's over. We're over, Russell."

The middle-aged man was silent as he stared down through the glass in his coffee table. After a moment, he looked up and nodded. "I accept that that's the way you feel about this," he said slowly, "But it's not over for him. I don't think it'll ever be over for him. From what I've seen, there's no second chance for Ronnie. You're it."

I shook my head, unwilling to hear his words, and licked my lips to distract my mind and hold my tongue. "I can't talk about this right now," I said quickly, "I just can't, Russ. We're going to go. Tell him that I'll have my things out of the apartment before he gets home."

"Atticus, please don't r-"

I stood up and stopped listening as he tried to apologize and clarify and enlighten. Chance followed me wordlessly as I moved to the front door and called goodbye to the man who would've been my father-in-law. As Chance watched me with a furrowed brow, I turned back towards the house and reached my fingers into the pocket of my jeans.

I couldn't look at Russell as I fumbled with the ring and pulled it from where it was hidden safely, close to my body. I held my hand out and the man reached for it, unsure and confused of what I'd forgotten.

"Tell him that I'm sorry," I said, "that I love him and that I don't think that I'll ever love somebody so much again, but most of all that I'm sorry that this hurts him and that I just want him to be happy."

As I dropped my engagement ring into the palm of the man who was to be my father-in-law, I viciously wiped unrelenting tears from my dark eyes and turned away from that moment.

It hurt me so much to give up something that I once thought I couldn't live without. I knew that if it had been Ronnie standing in front of me, watching me with those eyes that could see right through me, that I would be incapable of walking away from him, and he wouldn't let me either.

He was everything to me and even as I turned away from the life we had planned, I still couldn't see a future that didn't include him in it. He was there in my mind every minute of the day and even when I managed to think about something else, when I blinked, I could see the image of him that was burned into the back of my eyelids. When I slept and my eyes saw nothing, my dreams dredged up memories and versions of our life that I forfeited.

In reality, I stood at his childhood home and left behind the last of his belongings with his father, who could only see his son loving me. And I thought about the family I was giving up, the nephews and the siblings-in-law and all the perfect days spent with them that I conjured in my mind as I embraced the idea of him belonging to me forever.

They were going to be mine. I had found herself a family that I adored and as I gave it up, I felt a loss for each person that I would have to leave behind. It wasn't just the family, but the friends too. It was the people who we had spent all their time with whether we were together or apart. I had adopted his friends and they had made me one of them and now I felt their absence so grandly that it tore through me, and I stumbled as I walked away, trying to forget them so that I could survive.