Infinite

Holland Cree Gurewitz was born at 1:34am on June 29th in Huntington Hospital in Pasadena, California. She weighted 7 pounds, 32 ounces and was blessed with tan skin and a curling mop of dark hair.

Everyone was in awe when we laid eyes on her. My dad and Gina were completely taken by her and they spent the next couple of hours introducing her to everyone in the family, taking extra time to explain having a little sister to Nico Moon, who just wanted to hold her.

“She’s beautiful, you guys,” I told my parents as I looked down at the little girl in Gina’s arms, “I already love having another little sister.”

Nico was seated on the edge of the bed next to Gina and the baby, and my father sat on the other side, his arm around them. Max was at the end with Kasey standing next to him, and Frida and I stood near Nico. Arch was wrapped up in my arms, his eyes stuck on the baby.

“Gurewitz’s move in,” Cemi ordered, fishing her cell phone out of her pocket, “We need a new family photo.” She found her phone and waited as we moved in to the frame. Kasey stepped away while I carted Arch over and crouched in closer to our family.

“You are the most gorgeous family I’ve ever seen,” Cemi commented, looking at us on the small screen of her phone, “I can’t imagine seven more beautiful people.”

As Arch took his turn holding the baby, I watched the two of them together, thoughts coming back to me that I tried to banish. He was glowing as he fussed about Holland, asking my father questions with worry plastered on his face.

He was seated in the chair across from me, with Holland in his lap and Brett and Nico hovering close by. He rambled about how beautiful she was and how little and he asked about the journey to go get her and if Gina was going to be okay.

Seeing him there, with a little baby, made me picture my future and conjure up images of the possibilities I’d been ignoring.

“Arch, we should get home, Sweetheart,” I said as I stood up and offered him an apologetic smile.

He looked to me from Holland and argued, “We don’t have to leave yet,” he complained, “I already took a nap.”

“Yes, but I haven’t been home yet and we need to get gas, and you need to be up in the morning,” I listed as my father moved to take Holland from Arch.

“It’s alright, Arch,” Gina chimed in softly, “Everyone is heading home soon. Holland and I are just going to get some sleep. It’s been a long night.” She offered him a smile as he slid begrudgingly out of the chair and turned to push his arms through the sleeves of his jacket as I held it out for him.

“We’ll see them tomorrow,” I promised, crouching down to zip his coat, “Paulie, Nico’s babysitter, is still out of town, so they’re going to need some help at home.” I glanced to my dad to confirm it.

“Yeah,” he agreed with a tired smile, “We’ll do lunch tomorrow.”

I stood up and took Arch’s little fingers in mine. He easily accepted and the two of us said our goodbyes, giving hugs and kisses before we headed out. Despite the fact that he was trying not to show it, Arch was overcome with tiredness now that the excitement was wearing off. I swooped down and lifted him up into my arms to carry him out to the car.

“Have a goodnight,” the woman at the nurse’s station called as we headed outside, “and congratulations.”

As I was buckling Arch into the car-seat that Aiden had put back in my car before they left, he asked, “Is Ronnie okay?”

I nodded, leaning in on the seat as I answered. “Ronnie is perfectly fine,” I replied, clicking the last buckle in, “He’ll be back on tour in a couple of days.”

“That’s good,” the five year old mumbled, nodding as he dropped his head back against his seat, “I want him to come home soon.”

I gave him a small smile and closed the car door. I climbed into the drivers seat, still adjusting to its relatively small size, and started it up to head towards home.

“Arch, I’ve got to stop at the store, is that alright?” I asked, taking a look in the rearview mirror. I quieted when I saw that he was sleeping. I didn’t want to wake him, seeing as he’d been on that cycle all night, but the idea of leaving him in the car made me nervous.

I parked and got out, opening Arch’s door despite the fact that he was knocked out. I unbuckled him and lifted him into my arms. He was a small boy, but dead-weight always seemed heavier. I carried him in one arm, his limbs reflexively wrapping around me, and locked the door with my other hand.

The store was practically empty except for the cashier behind the counter and she smiled welcomingly as I lugged Arch through the automatic doors.

The new addition to our family had my mind reeling and I was literally shaking from the possibility that there would eventually be another baby joining us. The entire thought made me nervous and I slowly made my way to the correct aisle, my eyes scanning for pregnancy tests.

Having Arch with me wasn’t how I planned to do this. Doing this wasn’t really planned at all, but the image of my baby sister coming into the world, the conscious realization that pregnancy resulted in something concrete left me terrified for more than myself.

I reached for multiple kinds of tests, cursing when they slid from my arm and dropped to the ground. I was just reaching down to pick them up when a woman rounded the corner and lunged forwards to help.

“I’ve got it,” I rebutted, trying to grasp them all myself to keep her from seeing what they were.

She ignored me with a smile and picked up the last two. “Don’t worry,” she said as we both stood up, “I know the difficulty of trying to shop with kids.” She glanced down at the boxes in her hand and looked back up to me, eyebrows raised. “Expecting another one,” she commented, “You must be frazzled.”

“I’m fine,” I answered, noting the uniform and nametag that explained that she worked here, “Thanks.” I took the boxes from her, tucking them against my body, and turned to walk away.

“If you’ve got questions about anything, I can point you in the right direction,” she offered, “It’s my job to know a lot about these things.”

I slowed my pace and swallowed my nerves. “Actually,” I said as I turned around and shifted Arch better in my arms, “I’ve never done this before, do you recommend a certain type?”

She smiled as she nodded and pushed her braid over her shoulder. She pulled the boxes out of my arms and studied them, sticking three back on the shelf. “I recommend getting different kinds,” she said, pulling different ones down, “These ones all work pretty well, and while they all serve the same purpose, different tests will work differently to give you an accurate answer. You also have to factor in how long ago you think that the baby was conceived.”

“Um, about two months ago, I think,” I replied, the acknowledgement of an actual baby hiking up my nerves again, “I’m not sure, it’s just that someone said something and then my-“

“You don’t have to explain to me,” she interrupted politely, “Lets just go with an early detection test also, just in case. And you should definitely see a doctor to make sure, despite what result you get.”

“Thanks,” I answered, taking the boxes from her, “I should get going before he wakes up. I don’t want to explain this quite yet.”

“Well, have a good night, I hope you get the result that you want,” she responded before she turned and headed the opposite way down the aisle.

I stood still for a moment, wondering if my feelings about all of this were written on my face. With a renewed steadiness, I bought the tests at the front counter, thanking the teenager for commenting on how cute Arch is, and then took him and the bag and loaded them into the car, ready to be home and away from the world.

Arch didn’t wake at all during the trip from the car to his bedroom and I quickly undressed him and tucked him into bed, kissing him goodnight before I went downstairs to get my suitcase and bag from the car.

I lugged the suitcase into my room and set it on the bed to unpack, without sparing a decent look at it, I tossed the plastic bag into the back of the closet slid the door shut on that side.

It was impossible not to think about it, but I succeeded in keeping myself from tearing into the boxes and taking every test right away. Part of me wanted to know, to make sure it wasn’t true, but the other part was terrified that it was, that my reality could be altered so easily and accidentally. I put the rest of my clothes away, tossing the dirty ones into the basket, and then climbed into bed with my cell phone, looking through the numbers – debating between calling Ronnie or Heather.

Finally, my finger landed on someone completely different and I opened a new text, my mind remembering the ease that he brought with him.

Hey Chance. Something came up, sorry to take off without a word. Text me and I’ll make up for it. P.S - car still needs an oil change… (: