Infinite

It was hard not to give Chance a chance. He spoke as though he could see something in me that I hadn’t been able to recognize in myself. As I let my guard down and dropped my arms to my sides instead of keeping them crossed, he stepped forward and touched the tips of my hair as it fell in disarray around my face, due to me constantly moving it away.

He leaned down slightly and kissed me, testing the waters. His mouth was hot and warm and I could feel the heat radiating off his fingers as they pressed into the back of my neck. I wrapped my arms around his, my elbows bent as I held on, pushing my weight onto him.

He put his arms around my waist and turned around, taking me with him as he dropped back onto the couch cushion. I stopped him only to lead him upstairs. There were no kids tonight, no responsibilities, or outside world. It was Chance and his ease and the feel of his fingers on my skin.

He looked at me like I was the most wonderful thing he’d ever seen and I could see myself in his expression and I wanted to feel the way about myself that he felt about me. Our clothes were gone a replaced by the comforter on my bed and I couldn’t get enough of the feel of Chance’s weight pressing down on me. He was light in way that was unexpected, but there was just enough of him that kept me hoping for more.

“Atticus…” he whispered, his mouth brushing against my ear as I pushed my head back into the mattress.

I turned my head and swallowed up all his words.

I shifted and he dropped down beside me, his arm slung across my waist and his face in my hair as he breathed. His fingers moved against my side as he said, “See, I told you that I was already corrupted.”

I opened my eyes and glared at him. “You’re not funny, Wilkins.”

He chuckled and pushed his body onto mine just enough to kiss me. “I think I’m funny,” he answered when he moved back to my usual side of the bed, “In fact, I think I’m hilarious.”

“What time is it?” I asked when he returned from the bathroom, peering around him to get a look at the clock on my nightstand, “You’re gonna be late for your brother’s dinner if you hangout much longer.”

“Trying to get rid of me so soon?” he asked as he moved to check the time as well, now sitting on the edge of the bed. When I started to rebut his words, he climbed up and added, “I know, I’m just kidding. I have to get going anyway.” He pulled his pants on and then lifted his shirt from the floor, turning it right side out.

“That thing looks like a rag.”

He grinned, turning his eyes from the t’shirt. “Yeah, do you happen to have anything I could borrow? Todd and Natalie will probably kick me out if I showed up looking like this?”

I reached to grab my shirt and underwear from the floor as I nodded. “Yeah, check the far end of the closet. There’s probably something in there.”

“Something of Ronnie’s?” he asked as he turned.

I pulled my shirt on. “No, something of mine,” I answered. I was slipping into a pair of shorts from my dresser drawer when Chance said my name from near the closet behind me.

I pulled my hair up as I turned around and then dropped it back around my shoulders when my eyes landed on what he was holding. It was a shock to see it, even though I knew in the back of my mind that I had left it there.

“Chance, I can explain-“

“Are you pregnant?!” he asked, holding one of the boxes up as though it amplified his question.

“I don’t know, that’s kind of why I bought the tests,” I answered, realizing too late that humor wasn’t really the best response.

Chance tossed the bag onto the bed and grabbed his own shirt instead of the one he’d found in my collection. When he moved to get his shoes back on, I intervened.

“Where are you going?” I asked, “You can’t just run out like this. We have to talk about it.” I was at the corner of my bed and he was sitting on the edge, focusing only on tying his laces.

“It’s not my baby,” he answered, “We don’t have to talk about anything.”

“Chance, I’m sorry. I forgot. I’m not ready and I-“

He stood up suddenly, turning around so that his blue eyes were peering into mine with a seriousness that I hadn’t seen in him ever. Beneath it, I could see how upset he was about this. “If you ‘remembered’ would you have slept with me still?” he questioned bitterly, “Or did you do it to pretend that you’re not? I don’t care that you’re using me to forget about Ronnie, hell, I practically asked you to, but I didn’t sign up for this, Atticus.”

“Chance, I’m sorry, I just –“

“It just feels wrong,” he interrupted, “I don’t like Ronnie and I hate the thought of you with him, but you’re pregnant with his child. It’s wrong and I feel like I violated…” He groaned and covered his face with his hands.

“Chance, I don’t even know for sure. It’s just something that someone said to me and I couldn’t get it off my mind and I just wanted to be sure.” I grabbed his wrist and pulled his hands down, forcing him to see me. “It might be nothing.”

“Why haven’t you taken them then?” he asked, his eyes darting over to the plastic bag of pregnancy tests. “If it’s nothing.”

“I’m not ready,” I answered simply, unable to look at them, “I don’t know what’s going on and I just, I have Arch but he’s more like a child-sized best-friend than a kid and I don’t know if I can handle it and I just want things to stay the way they are.”

Chance sighed and wrapped my arms around my shoulders. Somehow, he ended up being the first person to find out and I pressed myself into his chest, feeling that sense of wrong in the pit of my stomach that he felt. It was guilt and nerves and I held onto him until he overpowered my own emotions.

“I’m sorry I made you regret it,” I said, resting my chin on his shoulder, “I wouldn’t have let this happen, but I wasn’t thinking.” I lightly kissed his bare neck and was surprised when he stepped back, detaching himself from me.

“Atticus, I really like you,” he said, “I just can’t do this again. Not until you know for sure what’s happening. If you want me to make you forget about Ronnie, I’m in, but I’m not here to make you ignore this. It’s wrong and dangerous.”

“Chance, I-“

Sensing my refusal, he smiled and pressed a kiss against my forehead. “Let me know the results, Atticus,” he said, gathering the last of his things, including the shirt he was going to borrow, “Don’t wait too long.” He gave me a one armed hug before he stepped around me and headed out of the house.

When I heard the front door close behind him, I headed into the bathroom to take a shower. I started the water and sat on the sink as it fogged up the room. My brain was clogged with thoughts of what could be growing in me, images of Chance and his words, and the things I couldn’t say to Ronnie – that I could barely say to myself.

I opened the bathroom door and went for my phone, sucking in a breath to hold in the tears. I hurried back into the bathroom after I found it and didn’t have the energy to push myself back onto the counter, so I slid to the floor, sitting on the furry rug in just my underwear. I found the name I wanted with shaky fingers and dialed the number, listening as it rang without any hope of being answered.

When it was near the end and the voicemail was about to pick up, she answered, her bubbly temperament sending me into a fit of tears.

“Heather?” I greeted, trying to stifle my crying, “Can you come over? I really need your help.”

The phone was left on the floor when she hung up and I waited in the bathroom, among the steam, hoping to clear my head, as she headed over to save me from myself. She had no idea what my problem was (I couldn’t get myself to say it over the phone), but she was on her way and in that moment I hadn’t been more thankful for my best friend.

When she arrived, she came right in and I came out of the bathroom, having managed to pull my t’shirt back onto my body. She was at the top of the stairs and her expression told me that she was surprised to see me in this state.

“Atti, what’s wrong?” she asked, stepping over quickly and grabbing my shoulders to steady me and get a better look.

I shook my head and gathered up the words, wondering how this all could’ve happened. I could feel the sharpness of tears coming and I closed my eyes, trying to will them away, trying to will all of reality away.

“Atticus, you’re scaring me, what’s going on?” she asked again, motherly brushing my hair out of my face, “Sweetheart, you can tell me.”

I nodded and looked at the blonde woman. “I think I’m pregnant,” I said, the words uncomfortable and foreign on my tongue and unwanted and painful. It scared me because I knew what it meant and I wasn’t sure if I wanted any of it.

Heather was shocked – it hadn’t been what she was expecting, but she gathered her wits quickly and wrapped me up in a hug that was so stifling that I couldn’t focus on anything but her.

“It’s going to be alright,” she said, “It’s going to be alright.”