Infinite

It was a phone call that brought Ronnie back to my front door. I was almost asleep when I heard the unmistakable sound of keys in the locks. He was the only one who’d ever been given another set, so I sat up slowly, pushing all my hair out of my face as I listened for sounds of him.

The noises were frustratingly muffled by the bedroom door, so I got up, pulling my leggings up and my hoodie down as I stepped out, peering over the second floor balcony as he stepped inside, closing the front door behind him. I watched silently for a moment, taking in the sight of him.

He looked tired, as though he’d hadn’t slept in months, instead replacing rest with adrenaline and caffeine. He’d spent the last few months turning excitement into energy and it showed. I felt even guiltier now, watching the weight of my confession as it slumped his shoulders.

When I called him, it was late. It had taken me all day to gather my wits and courage and utter out the words that needed to be said. At the sight of my name on his screen, he became instantly worried and I could hear the concern lacing his tone when he answered, that and exhaustion.

I could picture him sitting up in bed as I spoke, his heartbeat quickening as he realized this wasn’t some strange and unfunny joke. I spoke quickly, but calmly, biting back tears as I forced the words out. “I need you to come home,” I ended softly, “At least for awhile. I- I can’t do this on my own.”

He was silent for a moment and I couldn’t hear a single noise coming from the bus behind him. It was rare, but spoke volumes about this moment in time. “Do what?” Ronnie asked, and I could hear the question underneath. It was hidden under his tone, his empty and devoid-of-recognition answer. His life was playing behind his eyelids.

I paused, closing my eyes to shield the tears. “I don’t know,” I got out, “We, we can talk about it when you get here. Please, Ronnie – Please just- I need you.”

My words woke something in him and he snapped back to attention, regaining his usual confidence. It was as though he realized that I couldn’t handle the situation and he was going to take over. He came to my rescue. “I’m on my way, Atti,” he answered, fumbling with something, “I just need a couple days to get everything in order. Two days tops – I swear.”

“Yeah,” I breathed, nodding along to my own words, “I understand. You can’t leave your whole life behind, your job, your tour. I’ll see you in a few days.”

“You’re my life,” he answered quickly, “I’ll be there, I promise. I love you, Atticus.”

“Hey,” I greeted, unwrapping my arms from around myself as I moved towards the stairs. He looked up from where he was putting his bags and met my gaze, a mixture of something in his eyes.

“I thought you were sleeping,” he answered, fingers sliding into the pockets of his jeans as he stood up a little bit straighter, “Did I wake you?”

I shook my head as I stepped onto even ground with him. “I haven’t been sleeping much, don’t worry,” I answered. I stepped up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. It wasn’t sudden, but it broke the levies and he crushed me against his body, leaning down to press his face into my hair.

We didn’t say anything as we pulled apart, but I stuffed down the part of me that wanted him back against me as I searched his gaze for what he was feeling. When he blinked away from me, I asked, “Are you hungry? I can make you something.” I turned my back on him and headed towards the kitchen.

“You don’t have to,” he answered, “I can get something for myself later.”

It was like we were walking around each other, trying our hardest not to get too close. The reason he was here was unspoken between us, but it altered everything we did. It felt cold. I wanted it to disappear, for it all to go back to the way it used to be. Even when he fell and broke his entire body and I showed up unannounced after crushing his heart, we were still able to talk to each other. To operate the way we always had.

I had never realized how easily we fit together. It was the very reason that I fell for him so easily. It just worked. But now, I guess, I was the one broken, despite never being more full. How could we handle this?

I had always been the uninjured, unchanging one. We fought Ronnie’s demons, battled his broken bones. I was always in control.

Ronnie followed me into the kitchen, staying far enough back that he wouldn’t shatter the ground we were walking on.

“I’m hungry anyway,” I answered, moving around the island as he sat down in one of the stools at the breakfast bar.

“Have you been eating?” he answered, leaning his elbows on the granite.

I nodded, turning away from him. I pulled the fridge open and rifled through the items in there. I knew exactly what I was looking for, and where it was, but faking disorganization gave me an excuse not to look back at him so soon.

It wasn’t until I felt his fingers on my hipbones that I tuned back into him. Somehow he’d slid around the island without me noticing and pressed his body against mine, arms wrapping around my stomach.

I held perfectly still. The feel of him against me made me feel guilty, even more so because I wanted him to stay here forever. I tuned into the feel of his fingers against my skin. They slid across my hips, pressing into the skin that stretched over my stomach. He spread his palm over my bellybutton, his fingers spanning my skin, his face pressed against mine, his breathing slow as his thoughts dominated his focus.

“Is my baby really in there?” he asked low, the astonishment causing me to clench my jaw. “Atticus,” he whispered, his mouth against my ear, “It’s incredible.”

A lump appeared in my throat, my eyes were threatening tears again, and I let out a shaky breath. I didn’t know how to respond to that, to his reaction to everything. I guess somewhere I was hoping for another answer, one that didn’t so easily accept what was happening. Perhaps, because I wanted a different outcome and I wanted him on my side.

“Incredible?” I repeated, feeling him nod against me.

“A baby,” he answered, fingers moving against my belly, “Our baby. You’re pregnant with my baby.”

He spoke like it was some gift that I was giving him, the most wonderful thing that he never asked for, but I couldn’t see it that way even though part of me wanted to. The fridge closed as I let go of the door and I put my hand on his, on my stomach, and I tried to feel what he was experiencing.

The very idea of a little human inside of me terrified me, but I could feel the electricity pulsing through Ronnie’s veins and sparking off his fingertips. He wanted this, he had always wanted this, but I was the one who derailed our train – I had fragmented us, tore apart the future we thought we’d have.

It was happening anyway. I had no control. Despite my best efforts to preserve his dreams, we ended up in the same position we’d always planned on. “Ronnie, I’m scared,” I said, not daring to turn around and look at him, “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think I can.”

“I’m right here,” he answered, his words backed up by the feel of his heart beating against my shoulder blade, “We can do this together.”

“We can’t be parents,” I replied incredulously, stepping away from him so that I could gather my thoughts, “Ronnie, we can’t raise something so helpless and give it everything that it needs. I can’t do it on my own and you’re never here and we’re not even together anymore. I don’t want to raise a child like this.”

He stepped towards me desperately. “It doesn’t have to be like this,” he answered, dark eyes peering down into mine, “Atti, you know that I love you, please just believe that we can do this together.”

The thought of Chance brought itself back into the forefront of my mind cruelly and I almost spat it out without recognizing what it would do to him. He was asking me to take him back because of our child, almost like a marriage proposal forced upon two people in the fear of wedlock, and it made me angry and sad and I wondered what would’ve happened to us if this never did.

“We’re not getting back together,” I answered, staring at him as he digested the words. “Ronnie, we’re not getting back together because of this. I’m not – we’re not those type of people.”

He backed into the island and leaned against it, his fingers grasping the edge of the granite counter as though he was trying to hold onto something I couldn’t see.

“What type of people, Atticus?” he asked, his tone clipped and cruel, “What type of people? The kind that love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together? The kind that are excited to be having a baby, no matter what brought it on? If you weren’t pregnant we would’ve gotten back together anyway! I don’t see what the big deal is now.”

“It’s different,” I answered, biting back my remark about ‘getting back together anyway’, “I need you, Ronnie, but not like you think. I need you to help me make decisions for this baby.”

He was subdued, hurt, it was obvious. His eyes turned up from the floor and met mine. I had managed to put the island between us, but his stare made it feel like we were breathing the same air… and there just wasn’t enough of it.

“You want it, don’t you?”

That was the question I’d been asking myself. “I don’t know,” I answered softly, watching as he crumpled in on himself and gathered his strength back together before he thought I noticed.

He nodded, his knuckles turning white as he held onto the counter, his eyes staring at the floor.

“It’s just that I just realized that I want to adopt Arch,” I answered, trying to explain myself, to make him feel a little less bad about my words. “I love Arch a lot, Ronnie, and I can’t picture my life without him, but I can’t take care of two kids, especially one who’s normal."

“Arch is a little adult. He doesn’t really need much looking after. All I have to do is be his friend and feed him and make sure that he’s happy. And with Arch, that’s not hard to do because he’s been in worse situations. I know that sounds bad, but Arch is a blessing in the form of a kid. A baby would be completely reliant on me. On us. And you have your life and I was just starting to get mine figured out. This will change everything.”

“Where is he?” Ronnie asked, glancing back towards the living room, the second floor balcony.

“At Heather and Aiden’s,” I answered, “I wasn’t sure when you would get in and I didn’t want him staying up all night waiting. I told him you wouldn’t be here until tomorrow.”

He nodded, pushing his hair back. He was quiet for a minute, calculating, and then he answered. “I want this baby, Atti,” he said, turning determined eyes to mine, “I can’t tell you how much I want this baby. When I heard what you’d said on the phone the other day, I freaked out. But when I thought about it, I couldn’t think of one reason why it wasn’t a good thing.”

“Try, we’re not together anymore,” I replied, noting his subtle cringe, “Or that you’re touring the world with the guys and I have Arch to look after now. I don’t want to be stuck here, reminded that this is my life. Do you even realize how much this would change things for me?”

“It would change things for me too,” he said, palms pressed down on the counter as he leaned forward, “I’m not just going to leave you here alone while I go off with the guys. I’m here for you, Atticus, and for my child, and Arch too, you know that.”

“You’re here for us, but you’re not here for us,” I answered, dark eyes meeting dark eyes, “You’re my emotional partner from the other side of the country.”

“I’m here now,” he replied, looking more hurt than before, “Atticus, you know that I would drop anything to be here when you need me. No matter what it is, I’m here.”

“That’s the thing, Ronnie!” I shouted, frustrated by the whole situation and losing my mind as I struggled to explain it to him. “That’s just it, if we have a child I’ll need you here for more than just the important things. Having a child means being here for everyday life. Learning to enjoy the little things. Being able to be here for him. Everyday. All the time. Not just flying home for a birthday or holiday.”

I wanted him to promise me everyday. That was the one thing that probably could’ve helped me, but I knew he couldn’t, and he knew it too, I could see it in his expression.

“I can’t give you that, not really,” he answered, reading the words off the teleprompter in my head. His eyes were hard, but smoldering. I could read what he was saying before he even spoke a word. “But I can promise that no matter how far away I am, I will always want to be right back here with you.”

“How can that be good enough?” I asked, wanting it to be, wondering if it would be enough for him. The thought of a baby made me feel sick for it, wanting something more of Ronnie that I could keep forever, but it also terrified me. The logistics of our life wouldn’t allow us to provide a normal upbringing. There would be no white picket fence or joint family holidays.

It would be weekends of visiting Dad on the road, watching my child wait in airports for his arrival, and spending all my time worrying about all the things that could go wrong – all the things I’d have to do on my own.

“Let me show you,” he begged, “Let me show you that we’re enough and we’ll always be enough. I don’t know what worries you have besides this, but we can get through it all.” He stepped around the island and I didn’t back up, not even when he grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine. “Let me show you, Atticus,” he said against softly, “I promise you that we will always be enough for our baby. We, I – will always be here, for all of you.”

I pressed my palm into his, my eyes staring at him just as boldly. “It’s not like we can give it back if it doesn’t work out,” I answered, although the dead seriousness was weaning, “If our lives don’t turn out the way you expect them to, the way I want them to, there’s no going back, Ron. We’re going to be parents the rest of our lives and I need you here with me. Our baby will come first over everything-“ I stared at him hard, trying to make sure that he understood exactly what I meant, “We won’t be able to pick our lives anymore.”

“I’ve already told you that I would give up everything for you, Atticus,” he answered calmly, the words ringing a bell in the back of my mind. They were the words that crippled me when I ended things. “The same goes for my child.”

“And if we do this,” I continued, “You can’t just run off and have another child with anyone in the future, or even date just anyone. You have to consider the type of people you’re bringing around our baby. I don’t want him or her to end up with a bunch of other siblings with other mothers. That’s not the type of family he deserves-“

Ronnie cut me off with a definite look and shake of his head. “I’m not going to have a family with anyone else Atticus,” he responded, “I don’t want that. I want you and this baby.”

“We don’t know how the future will play out,” I replied, swallowing harshly as recent events made their way back to the forefront of my mind, “Who knows where we’ll end up. I just want to make sure we’re covered.”

“Lets worry about right now,” he said, fingers finding their way to the edge of my hoodie, “and right now, I want this.”

I didn’t remind him that wanting it now didn’t mean that he would want it later. He was too caught up in his daydreams to realize that it wouldn’t be all fairytales and happy endings. While I needed him here for this, for me, I wasn’t sure if I would’ve wanted him back in under other circumstances.

I pushed his fingers away from his clothes, stopping him. His eyes met mine warily, waiting for some sort of explanation. “Ronnie, I don’t want to get back together,” I stated boldly, trying to muster back up the confidence that his very presence stole from me.

He was dumbfounded. “Atticus, we’re having a baby-“

“That doesn’t mean we should be together,” I replied, “In fact, I think we would both make better decisions if we weren’t together. We think clearer when we’re apart like this. If we got back together right now it would cloud our judgment.”

“If we got back together it would make things better,” he answered, words coming out faster than before, “We should get back together because we love each other and we’re supposed to be together.”

He kept talking, but I cut him off, desperate to make him understand. “I’m seeing someone else,” I said, my eyes snapping up to look at him as he went quiet, “I mean, kind of. I think it’s going somewhere, it’s just that this kind of derailed us, and well, I don’t want to miss out on something just because of this. Heather said-“

“Who is it?” he asked, like he hadn’t heard anything else I’d said.

“Does that really matter?”

He looked at me, all boarded up and closed down. “I’d like to know, Atticus,” he answered dully, nodding his head just slightly, “It’s important to me.”

“It’s irrelevant,” I combatted, “We can talk about it when it becomes serious. Until then it’s not a topic of conversation.”

“Then why did you bring it up?”

“To show you that there's more than one option,” I answered, trying not to sound too harsh, “and to explain that you have a place in my life, but you’re not its entirety, Ronnie. I’m terrified to do this by myself, but that doesn’t mean that you’re the only one here for me.”

“I get it,” he answered, his tone somehow conveying that he did, but I wasn’t sure what exact message he’d pulled from my words. “I’m not hungry anymore,” he added, changing the subject, “If it’s alright with you, I’m just going to sleep.”

“It’s fine,” I replied, eyes trailing over him as he turned and headed back that direction, “You know where the blankets are, I left a couple pillows on the couch for you.”

It was painful to watch him resign himself to the couch. The last time he had been here he’d carried me up the stairs to our bedroom and we’d spent the night pretending we were the only two people in the world.

Tonight I left him to sleep alone on the couch. I took the sandwich that I had no appetite for and climbed the stairs, sparing a glance back at the man who laid in the dark, eyes closed and lost to the world.

It felt like I was losing him, even though I was the one pushing him away. As I climbed into bed without turning the lamp on, leaving the plate on the nightstand, I wondered if his put-on apathy would ever not affect me. And I hoped the day would come soon.