Infinite

I rolled awake around nine in the morning, deciding after a night of restlessness, that I should call Heather and check in on Arch before beginning the day. After just a couple rings, he answered for her, but I could hear her in the background chuckling at his excitement.

"Hey, baby," I greeted, putting enthusiasm in my voice the best I could, "How was your night?" I sat up in bed and leaned back against the headboard, crossing my legs under my blankets.

"Is Ronnie there yet?" the little boy asked, his excitement practically tangible, even through the phone.

It was relaxing to hear that he hadn't changed despite the differences in everything else. "No, not yet," I lied, "We will come get you when he arrives. I know that he's excited to see you too. His flight is getting in later, but I'm not sure how long it'll take exactly."

He complained, asking why he couldn't come along to the airport to pick him up and I explained to him that I had to run into work today so he either had to stay and play with Kyat or get dropped off at daycare for a couple hours. He instantly quieted before making me promise to come get him as soon as Ronnie arrived.

Heather took the phone from him after that. There were a couple quiet minutes as she moved to a different room away from the boys. "Hey, girl, how are things over there?"

I looked at my closed bedroom door and pushed my hair over my shoulder. "I don't know," I answered honestly, "We talked about the baby as though we might keep it and talked about all the reasons that we can't. Ronnie really wants it, but I - I don't know. There's no guarantees with Ronnie."

"There's no guarantees with anyone, Atticus," she answered, her voice soft as though she was referring to herself as well, "Life doesn't make any promises. You just have to trust that you two will be there for each other when you need it the most."

"That's the thing," I replied, with a shake of my head, "He won't be able to be here when I need him, and I, I don't know if I'm the best person to be here for him either. Ronnie needs someone who can be completely devoted to him and his music."

"That's not you?"

"I've hurt him too many times," I answered, feeling the guilt seep back in. I replayed my words in my head all night, listening to myself and unable to understand why I'd said those things to him about Chance. I'd never been impulsive, but last night there was no intelligent thought process involved. "Sometimes I wish we could go back to the beginning of our relationship. Back to secret nights at his place and before we lived together, before Arch, before this. It's like we're not even the same people anymore."

"I don't know your relationship like you do, Atti, but you're right, you're not the same people. But that doesn't mean you don't fit together anymore. Everyone can see that you two evolved, you evolved together. You just have to relearn how to make it work. I know that you like how easy things are with Chance, but it's not the same as when you and Ronnie are together.

You need to get over whatever fear you're feeling, whatever doubts you have, and give it another go, or let go. You can't keep hovering between two options. You've only got a few months before they're gone and made for you."

"I've got to get ready for the appointment," I answered, processing her words as I climbed out of bed and tucked the phone between my shoulder and ear. "I'm gonna hop in the shower. I'll call you after the appointment. Tell Arch I love him."

"Atti-"

"I know, H, I heard everything you said. Thank you. I'll talk to you later." I listened to her say her goodbyes before I hung up and tossed my things back on the bed. I stepped out of my bedroom and to the railing of the balcony that over looked the living room.

I was surprised that Ronnie wasn't still asleep on the couch. I peered the best I could into the kitchen to no avail and stood up straight the minute the front door opened and Ronnie stepped through in sweats and a t'shirt, sliding his cell phone into his pocket.

He paused just inside the door when he saw me staring down at him and I quickly composed myself.

"Hey," I greeted, leaning forward on the railing, "I didn't know you left."

He shook his head. "Had to call my dad and make plans to pick up the Escalade." He continued into the living room, sliding his hands into the pockets of his sweats. "What time is the doctor's appointment?"

"Twelve-thirty," I answered as I moved down the stairs, "It's with the same woman that delivered Kyat and helped with Heather's pregnancy. She says that she's great."

Ronnie nodded, eyes moving away from mine as I came down the stairs. He glanced towards me and then to the kitchen. "Are you hungry?" he asked, standing awkwardly near the couch, "We have time to get breakfast before the appointment. We could talk."

I stood a couple feet from him near the arm of the couch. "That sounds nice," I agreed, "I need to take a shower, but I'll be ready to go in about a half hour."

He nodded, dark hair falling over his shoulder. It was starting to grow out on the side where he shaved it and the shark tattoo was practically hidden. He rubbed his fingers over the new hair and then turned back to his bags. "I'll be here when you're ready."

I turned around and headed back the way I came. "Heather said we need to get there a little early so we can get the paperwork filled out beforehand or we'll be stuck filling it out during our appointment," I called down to him as I climbed the stairs towards the bedrooms and bathroom.

"What kind of paperwork?" the singer asked, watching me as I stepped across the landing and through the doorway into the bathroom.

"Stuff about us, I guess," I replied, "Heather said that they need information about family history and everything." I turned back and faced him from the doorway of the bathroom, waiting for his reply, but when he just nodded, I turned back into the bathroom and shut the door.

Almost an hour later, we were climbing out of my car in the parking lot of a diner near the doctor's office. Ronnie was failing to hold back his distaste about being in my vehicle rather than his and I glared at his remarks, rolling my eyes when he smiled.

"If you have my baby you're going to have to get a new car," he said as he caught up with me in the parking lot, "There's no way I'm letting my kid ride around in that thing. I'm surprised you let Arch get in it."

"There's nothing wrong with the car," I rebutted, remembering how often we'd had this conversation in the past, "It's not like it's falling apart or anything."

"Still," the singer answered, reaching forward to pull open the diner door, "It wouldn't hurt to get something a little higher off the ground. That thing would be crushed if it hit anything."

I ignored him as I walked into the diner and plastered a smile on my face when a white haired waitress turned away from the bar and headed over to us with a couple of old plastic menus.

"That's what you wanted to talk about?" I asked Ronnie when we were seated across from each other at a booth, "My car?"

"No," he answered with a shake of his head, "I want to know why you think that we can't do this. When we got together you knew that this was going to be our life someday. What changed your mind?"

"We're not together anymore," I said, fiddling with a page from the menu, "When we were I didn't care about any of the variables. But things are different now."

"I don't think they're any different, Atticus," he replied, stressing his words, "I don't even know why we're not together. I'm so fucking confused by all of this and you won't give me an explanation at all."

"I'm confused too," I sighed, pushing my fingers through my hair as I dropped my gaze back to the menu, "I don't know, Ronnie, this all happened and I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"You're supposed to be with me, Atticus," he answered, his fingers finding mine on the table, "I don't know why you can't see that anymore. I don't know why you stopped. I don't know anything, but I know that we're supposed to be together."

I looked at him, taking in his dark hair and eyes, the slope of his shoulders under his jacket, the sight of his face turned towards me and the questions surfacing in his expression. I had no idea how he could be so sure about any of this. It wasn't very long ago that he said we weren't ready for kids. He said that he couldn't be a dad yet, wasn't ready, wasn't willing to struggle to make both lifestyles work. Even he felt that it had to be one or the other.

But now we didn't have a choice. There was no waiting, no preparing, no making educated decisions about what was right for both of us. I knew what his path would be if we decided not to have this baby, but I could see in him that he was willing to alter it for this.

We paused our conversation as our waitress took our orders.

"Why do you want this baby, Ronnie?" I continued, dark eyes meeting his. I was so unsure of any of it and his confidence only made me worry more.

He pulled his hands from the table and recoiled into himself. The question caught him off guard and he faltered, eyes narrowing as he tried to weld the thought process into words. "Because it's our baby," he answered, "I don't know how you don't. It's a piece of us."

"How could you think that we're ready?"

He shook his head. "We're not ready," he rebutted, "But we have some time to figure it out. I don't think we have to be perfect parents, Atti, we just have to love our kid. I know that won't be hard to do."

"You're the one who said that we can't have kids right now, Ronnie. When I - when we broke up, you said that we didn't have the right lifestyle to have kids right now. And every time I brought up adopting Arch, you're the one who shot it down with all the same reasons." I spoke as though I was trying to remind him of his own words and beliefs. I had no idea how he had gone from denying all the possibilities to openly embracing them over night.

"Because it's happening now!" he answered, glancing quickly at the table of people off to our side before he continued in a quieter tone, "I know it's not perfect, but I don't want to change it. I'm in love with the idea of you having my baby because I love you and I can't get over the idea that we created something together."

"It's not perfect," I agreed softly, glancing behind him as our waitress headed back to us with our food. When I met his gaze again, I asked, "Do you think that we'll get back together just because I'm pregnant?"

"I thought we would get back together because we love each other," he answered, looking me over as he tried to read my thoughts, "But yeah, I thought this might help it along."

"That's not the case," I said, "If we get back together now, it'll only be because of this. I don't know if that's what I want and it's too much pressure." I looked up and met his eyes, trying my hardest to ignore his evident reaction. "I'm sorry."

He swallowed and looked down at his plate. "It's fine," he said without meeting my gaze, "I can live with you needing some time to figure out how you feel. I'll wait."

"Ronnie, you shouldn't-"

His eyes darted back up to mine. "I'll wait, Atti," he said, "And I'll keep waiting until you realize that I'm the only one who's right for you and you come back to me. Even if it takes until our child isn't a kid anymore. I don't care. I'm in love with you and that's never going to change, no matter how confused you are."

There was no convincing him otherwise. I could see his determination and honesty plain on his face. His words were a mission statement directed at me and my heart started a new rhythm when my brain processed them. I would always love him too, I knew there was nothing that could change that, but now I wondered if there was something else that could fit alongside it - that was supposed to alter the course of our story.

It was that question that kept me from beginning again. It was the perfect life that I wanted for Arch and the thought of Chance and how unanchored he made the world seem, and possibilities. When it came to Ronnie, I never thought enough. I was too wrapped up in him, lost to any other version of my life, and it was dangerous to exist that way.

I loved him so much that I couldn't see anything but him. I couldn't do that anymore. I had filed to become Arch's only parent and some cosmic phenomenon had added another child to the equation. I had to think about them before I thought about us.