Anonymous

“Sooo…?” Elena’s voice broke through my concentration as she came up behind me during our study block. I’d actually been trying to study for the English test I had, being productive for once, but that cold never really stop Elena from getting information she so desired. “What happened?”

I brought my eyes up to meet hers slowly, trying to keep the facts I’d just read in my mind. “What happened with what?”

She shot me a look to expressed very clearly that she wasn’t amused. “Um, what happened on Saturday when Louis met your parents, maybe? I’ve been wondering all weekend, and you never gave me a ring.”

“Sorry, I had homework on Sunday,” I replied smoothly. “But, um, Saturday was nice.” My mind flashed back to the two of us snogging on the couch, and an involuntary blush took over my neck and face, which Elena picked up on immediately.

“Oh my God, did something, you know…” she trailed off suggestively, raising her eyebrows, “happen?”

“No,” I assured her. “Well, not really. We just kissed. He stopped it before it went too far.”

“Ooo, scandalous. He had to stop it? God, Jess, keep it in your pants.”

I glared for a second before bursting into laughter. “I think he was just worried that if we kept making out, someone would catch us, and he didn’t want to ruin my parents’ opinion of him. That’s all.”

“Oh, so he’s not at all concerned in protecting your innocence?”

“My innocence is fine,” I replied. “And it’s really not necessary, anyway. I’m nearly eighteen. I’m old enough to make my own choices when it comes to my body.”

“Don’t you think you’re going too quickly, though?” Elena whispered, leaning in closer to me to make sure that no one overheard the conversation. Especially one of the nosy librarians. It was always speculated around the school that they listened carefully to all the discussions that happened in the library so they could spread the stories around in the teachers’ room during lunch.

“What do you mean?” I questioned in just as soft of a tone.

“I mean that you and Louis have only seen each other in person for a few weeks. Maybe it’s been a month. I haven’t really been keeping track. But don’t you think that’s a little soon to start thinking about losing your virginity to him?”

“Some people have sex on the first date,” I reminded my best friend as gently as I could. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“But it is. Society is telling you that sex is not a huge step, but it is. It’s about opening yourself to someone else and giving them the most vulnerable part of you. Jess, stop fucking smirking. I don’t mean it in a dirty way.”

“Sorry,” I muttered, clearing my throat and trying to suppress the smile on my face. “You just sound really old-fashioned, and you need to choose your words more carefully.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jess, I’m looking out for you! Are you going to make a joke out of this, or what?”

I sighed. “Look, Elena, I understand where you’re coming from. I do. But even before Louis and I started seeing each other in real life, away from behind a computer screen, we’d been talking for months beforehand. We know each other’s darkest secrets, embarrassing moments, dreams, fears, favorite colors. We didn’t just run into each other at the market and decide to be fuck buddies. This is a relationship, even if it did start over the internet. Now stop worrying about me, okay? I’ll be fine.”

The other girl was silent for a very long time, which made my stomach start to churn with anxiety. But finally, she asked me point-blank, “Do you love him?”

I had no idea. I was a seventeen-year-old girl who had never been in a relationship before. How was I supposed to know what being in love felt like? I sure knew that I fancied Louis, that I fancied him a lot, but love? Maybe the fact that I wasn’t sure was answer enough. “No,” I finally responded, swallowing. “I don’t love him. But I know I could get there.”

“How can you be sure? If you’ve been talking to him for this long, and you still don’t love him, then how could you know you can get to that place? Because you lust after him?”

“Hey, that’s not really fair,” I argued. “I really fancy Louis as a person. I really fancy him as my boyfriend. I don’t just want sex from him. If I did, then the two of us would have found a way to do it by now. You’re being outrageous.”

Elena sighed and shook her head. “I’m not trying to make you angry at me. I’m just trying to think of things in perspective without the cloud of your emotions. Sex is a big step, and you shouldn’t rush into it because you feel like you want it in the heat of the moment. Think about the consequences, even if they’re not going to happen. If he got you pregnant, would he stick around to help raise the baby with you? Or would he assume you’re getting an abortion?”

I didn’t know. But was that something most couples knew before they shagged for the first time? Something told me not so much. “We’re going to be careful,” I mumbled. “We’re responsible adults.”

“You’re not an adult,” she reminded me. “And you might be responsible, but accidents still happen. Just think about it, okay? And try not to fail your English exam.” She slapped my book once, as if directing me to read it, before stalking off to go back to her classroom down the hall.



“I just don’t get it. I thought things were getting better. She was so open to what I was telling her before,” I whined to Louis over Skype. He looked like he was in some kind of a dressing room or something, and I was sure he was breaking rules by talking to me, but I had to tell him about the situation in person. “But seriously, who discusses who’s going to get custody of a possible child before they have sex?”

“I have no idea,” Louis laughed lightly. “But look, it shouldn’t matter what Elena says, okay? If you think you’re ready for sex, then you are. And if you’re having doubts, that’s fine, too. I’m not making you feel pressured, am I?”

“No. And now that I’m thinking about it, you were probably the worst possible person to have this conversation with. But it’s too late now.”

“I don’t think I’m the worst,” he defended with a mischievous smile. “Your dad would probably be a worse bet. Or Maria. Or Harry. The worst would be Harry, definitely.”

I chuckled and sighed. “Alright, you have a point. I shouldn’t let Elena make me start questioning I’ve ever known. And if it feels like things are going to get more serious…”

“Then we can go with it. Or not. Whatever you want.” There was the sound of a Bradford accent yelling in the background, and Louis turned back to the camera, rolling his eyes. “Alright, Zayn’s having an aneurysm, so I have to go. If you still want to talk about this later, just give me a ring, yeah?”

“Okay, Louis. Have fun at…whatever the hell you’re doing.”

“Bye, love.”

The screen went black, and I threw myself back on my bed, letting out a long groan. I had been so confident in my relationship with Louis until Elena planted the seeds of doubt in my head. And I just couldn’t stop wondering about whether she was right or not.