I Have So Much to Say, But You're So Far Away

I was in shock; I didn’t know what to do. Should I push him away? Should I hit him? Hell, he was dating Michelle, and she gets pretty violent if she finds out that someone was near her man. I stayed still, but the thing was that I liked the feeling of his lips on mine. Ah, fuck it. I decided to kiss back. I slowly closed my eyes and let my lips move with his, wrapping my arms around his neck. After a while we pulled apart and I looked up into Brian’s gorgeous face as he smiled at me. His smile was perfect and it was infectious, so I had no choice but to mimic it. The realization of what had just happened dawned on me, and as quickly as the smile had appeared it was gone. I pushed Brian away and stood up, moving away from him. He tried to close the space between us to hold me, but I kept moving back until I hit the wall.

“Go…please. Just leave…” I whispered, letting a few tears escape. I pointed to the door, and when he didn’t move I screamed at him. He finally took the hint and moved away, not before turning to shoot me an apologetic and broken look. I closed my eyes and waited for the sound of the door closing. After I’d heard it I slid down the wall, letting the tears escape. I couldn’t believe what I’d just done. I covered my mouth with my hand and start crying. Why did I do that?! First of all, he has a girlfriend and second of all…Jimmy. Oh god. I don’t know why, but I felt like I’d just betrayed him. I hit the back of my head against the wall, trying to think of a way to dull this pain. Then it came to me; a way that I could be with Jimmy.

I got up and slowly walked to the kitchen, grabbing pills and alcohol. I then made my way to the bathroom where I found my old blade. Slowly setting the items down, I picked the blade up and turned it around in between my fingers, letting the light bounce off of it. I sighed, hopping into the empty tub. My mind was telling me to hurry up and get it over and done with, but there was a small sliver of something telling me to put the blade down and to rethink what I was doing. I shook it away and slowly slid into the bath. After making myself comfortable, I popped a few pills into my hand and then swallowed them before chasing them down with alcohol. I then picked up my blade and turned it around in my fingers before I gave a small, humorless laugh and slowly dragged it across my skin.
The sight of the crimson blood running down my arm was sort of soothing, and I sighed before drawing it across a few more times until my eyelids grew heavy and I let them slowly slide shut before losing all consciousness.