Status: True story .& I apologise also for any mispelled words or anything ... Autocorrect is being a beotch today.
At the time .... Suicide was all I could think of....
Okay , so you know that feeling when , when your not wanted?
I do. I hate it . I can't stand it . My name is Brandi , and this a story about the time I tried comitting suicide .
Ok so it was about 3 days ago and I was alone ... Not litterally , my mom was in the living room watching tv with my brother and my dad ... My step dad ... My real dad raped my mother. She finally got out of there after she found out he knocked her up. She was with him when they had me but when she raped my little brother she got tire of it . I was informed of this about 2 or 3 weeks ago ... I knew it . The signs he gave me when I lived there... Oh yeah , I forgot to mention , from June of last summer to July of this summer I lived with him. He's a skitzoid... Meaning , he has bad anger that he cant control , think : bipolar times 100%
Anyways , it was ( like I said ) a couple days ago , and I was feeling so alone . I couldn't help the thought of leaving this earth would be amazing . I mean , come on, who would want a pale , fat ( I'm not joking ) ginger , with nothing in this world but herself , & her 2 best friends Gavin & Nicole . ( who both live where I used to live ( PA) I need them more than ever right now ...But they can't just FLY to where I live now , right?
Okay , I need to get back on track , so I was in my room sitting on my bed , and though " what would it be like to be dead? No one would notice , or care , right? It's not like , anyone would ...... Cry , for my loss? I am not needed ... I can't do this anymore , I hate the feeling of win alone , and not fitting in . Being different . " so I got up , and found a electrical chord in my room that had my phone charger plugged into it , I unplugged everything from it and looked or a place to tie the knot around something .... Nothing high enough... I tried my bed , which would most likely get the job done . So I tied it around my bed and made a hole just big enough to get my head through , I sat down , and put my head through the loop . ... Then figured out that it wasn't going to work ... I never have been good at knots ... I mean , what am I ? Some freaking Forrest survival chick?
No. So I went to my dresser when I had remember that I had a knife in there from when I was unpacking boxes in my room. Took it out and held it to my chest , right where my heart SHOULD be ... I couldn't do it . I felt so Ashamed and broke down crying on the floor . Why couldn't I have done it ? ... What couldnt I do? What was holding my back!? Surely not someone in my life ... Surely not God , he hasn't answered my prayers YET!
I got my Phone and texted Nicole " Nicole .... " I texted
" yeah ?" she said
" I just tried comitting suicide "
" WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT? " she said , I could feel the shame boiling in my heart ....
I told her my reasons ... And to this day , I will never forget what I tried doing .... And Even though I still want to .
Maybe I will get the courage one day , grab the knife and shove it through my neck... Find a place high enough to tie the noose... Who knows . Maybe by the time you read this , I will be somewhere where I'm finally wanted .
What if , I don't succeed the next time ...
What if I stop myself right in time ...
I can what if myself to death....
Maybe I want that ...
What . If .
I do. I hate it . I can't stand it . My name is Brandi , and this a story about the time I tried comitting suicide .
Ok so it was about 3 days ago and I was alone ... Not litterally , my mom was in the living room watching tv with my brother and my dad ... My step dad ... My real dad raped my mother. She finally got out of there after she found out he knocked her up. She was with him when they had me but when she raped my little brother she got tire of it . I was informed of this about 2 or 3 weeks ago ... I knew it . The signs he gave me when I lived there... Oh yeah , I forgot to mention , from June of last summer to July of this summer I lived with him. He's a skitzoid... Meaning , he has bad anger that he cant control , think : bipolar times 100%
Anyways , it was ( like I said ) a couple days ago , and I was feeling so alone . I couldn't help the thought of leaving this earth would be amazing . I mean , come on, who would want a pale , fat ( I'm not joking ) ginger , with nothing in this world but herself , & her 2 best friends Gavin & Nicole . ( who both live where I used to live ( PA) I need them more than ever right now ...But they can't just FLY to where I live now , right?
Okay , I need to get back on track , so I was in my room sitting on my bed , and though " what would it be like to be dead? No one would notice , or care , right? It's not like , anyone would ...... Cry , for my loss? I am not needed ... I can't do this anymore , I hate the feeling of win alone , and not fitting in . Being different . " so I got up , and found a electrical chord in my room that had my phone charger plugged into it , I unplugged everything from it and looked or a place to tie the knot around something .... Nothing high enough... I tried my bed , which would most likely get the job done . So I tied it around my bed and made a hole just big enough to get my head through , I sat down , and put my head through the loop . ... Then figured out that it wasn't going to work ... I never have been good at knots ... I mean , what am I ? Some freaking Forrest survival chick?
No. So I went to my dresser when I had remember that I had a knife in there from when I was unpacking boxes in my room. Took it out and held it to my chest , right where my heart SHOULD be ... I couldn't do it . I felt so Ashamed and broke down crying on the floor . Why couldn't I have done it ? ... What couldnt I do? What was holding my back!? Surely not someone in my life ... Surely not God , he hasn't answered my prayers YET!
I got my Phone and texted Nicole " Nicole .... " I texted
" yeah ?" she said
" I just tried comitting suicide "
" WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT? " she said , I could feel the shame boiling in my heart ....
I told her my reasons ... And to this day , I will never forget what I tried doing .... And Even though I still want to .
Maybe I will get the courage one day , grab the knife and shove it through my neck... Find a place high enough to tie the noose... Who knows . Maybe by the time you read this , I will be somewhere where I'm finally wanted .
What if , I don't succeed the next time ...
What if I stop myself right in time ...
I can what if myself to death....
Maybe I want that ...
What . If .